The former NFL star has died, I tried, OJ lied, I have not purchased a cup of coffee outside, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

April 5

put the new vampire weekend on and all the mice in my apartment came out wearing little tuxedos and gowns and started ballroom dancing, just as i had anticipated
— Charly Bliss (@charlybliss) April 5, 2024

NYC Earthquake?

Nah, that was just Lisa From Temecula cutting up a steak for breakfast pic.twitter.com/Ey1uF384jY
— Jarett Wieselman (@JarettSays) April 5, 2024

Charlotte: it was a 4.8 on the richter scale!

Miranda: the richter scale is a totally outdated method for measuring magnitudes and everyone knows it

Samantha: let's just say it wasn't the only thing making my walls shake this morning

Carrie: big is moving to paris
— Sophie Ross (@SophRossss) April 5, 2024

What's wrong with people pic.twitter.com/MaypljhU32
— Adam Friedland (@AdamFriedland) April 5, 2024

if you're wondering why the nyc earthquake is getting more press than earthquakes that happen in california, it's because new york is more important than california and the things that happen here matter more
— america's lounge singer (@KrangTNelson) April 5, 2024

Californians looking at New Yorkers freak over an earthquake. pic.twitter.com/6CcZGHkkwi
— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) April 5, 2024

Eric Adams about to send 500,000 cops to the earth's core.
— Kazembe Balagun (@Bronxbanlieue) April 5, 2024

I should report: we were getting off a plane in New Orleans late this morning and I heard two young Tulane students ask the pilot if the turbulence we felt was because of the earthquake.
— Maris Kreizman (@mariskreizman) April 5, 2024

[borat voice, sadly] my wife https://t.co/TiWmvmfuyr
— BozoDubber1991 (@bartsimsonreal) April 5, 2024

I want my son's future wives and roomies to know I tried to get him to stop putting empty cartons back in the fridge. I did.
— Laurie Kilmartin (@anylaurie16) April 5, 2024

When you realize your kid is an asshole. pic.twitter.com/n5IrxKpf9R
— Allen Weisselberger (@weisselbergers) April 5, 2024

She's like "but i did see some other baby shit" https://t.co/mMKcG0P1BR
— richie (@birthdayrich) April 5, 2024

You're dating Manny from Modern Family https://t.co/QMTSz6v2DH
— Ed (@RuhangaEd) April 5, 2024

Conan retaking the show with full support from the audience like Napoleon returning from Elba https://t.co/4QKYeZF6QS
— 🟡 The tumboy 🟡 (@TheTumboy) April 5, 2024

This guy's friends with a lot of serial rapists. https://t.co/BxNjFVV1C7
— mary (@theoceanblooms) April 5, 2024

Since Poilievre has started his "Axe the Tax" campaign, Smith has increased gas taxes, Ford snuck in a "Health Tax" for 2024, and Moe has kept the carbon tax but cancelled the rebates.

It would seem as if Conservatives lie, deceive, and love taxing you more than Liberals.
— 🅶ator⚡🅶um (@gator_gum) April 5, 2024

White women humour https://t.co/8OYwPB2V3a
— ND (@NDTalksBall) April 6, 2024

April 6

When the moon hits your knees
And you mispronounce trees
Sycamore
— Stone Cold Jane Austen (@AbbyHiggs) April 7, 2024

you ran a half marathon? that's really cool, i've almost finished a bunch of things too
— lil arab (@sweatyhairy) April 6, 2024

You can say anything when arguing with a stranger online. In one thread I'm "Umm I'm actually a parent but ok?" In another I'm a scientist. What's this...my enemy has cited a study to me? Well guess who authored it
— Borscht the T is silent (@InternetHippo) April 6, 2024

https://t.co/PY3Euuvgex pic.twitter.com/tTCPRUrI5y
— cowboy postbop (Dan Lehner) (@danlehnermusic) April 6, 2024

The best business name/slogan featured on the show

-a thread pic.twitter.com/M7qwLAmfCs
— Criminalsimpsons (@Criminalsimpson) April 6, 2024

Never forget pic.twitter.com/1CUHJj02fT https://t.co/7TifAGHfIl
— Keith (@nagy_minaj) April 6, 2024

has a single conservative ever had a real problem https://t.co/4XX4wUPn3R
— Thembo (@OnlyAWorldAway) April 7, 2024

is it woke to tilt the fucking glass jesus https://t.co/4uwbYeaMol
— rob (@lmNOTcatholic) April 6, 2024

This is leftover hand sanitizer from 2020. https://t.co/62VhrPXV2B
— Lakyn Thee Stylist (@OgLakyn) April 6, 2024

The most subsidized people in Canada are mad at a tax they mostly don't have to pay. https://t.co/giqQk5jig9
— Jason P. (@JasonPYYC) April 7, 2024

Look at this actual photo pic.twitter.com/fwmkKFd20y
— Steven Hyden (@Steven_Hyden) April 6, 2024

WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America

ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
— FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF (@sofarrsogud) April 6, 2024

She cooked you 😭😭😭😭 https://t.co/2nUOBzBCZu
— B.W. Carlin (@BaileyCarlin) April 6, 2024

great so on top of everything now we can't have sex with the cicadas https://t.co/MKAlfMGD4H
— anne t donahue (@annetdonahue) April 6, 2024

April 7

Technically this should take you straight to the fucking https://t.co/P03uL9xfe0
— Jeff Zhang 张佶润 (@strangeharbors) April 7, 2024

mia farrow chose a truth and we all just went along with it like when you play hide and seek with a little kid and pretend you can't see their feet fully sticking out from behind a curtain https://t.co/ypwsrV9Uon
— ashley ray🍦ice cream money out 3/1 (@theashleyray) April 7, 2024

When a girl on Hinge has "I'm probably funnier than you" on their profile this is the humor they're talking about https://t.co/MuPrWs4dbC
— Hausen (Muffalotta Enjoyer) (@Hausen915) April 7, 2024

Im not mature enough to ignore him looking like one of Charlie's Angels. https://t.co/z3fx8I0wZ8
— nope (@PrinceHAK33M) April 8, 2024

J. Cole said TPAB was boring and felt sick to his stomach for 48 hours I'm fucking crying 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
— 𝕿𝖆𝖇𝖇𝖞 (@verypalehipster) April 8, 2024

https://t.co/Ps8n1uv5fT pic.twitter.com/KdZAnw3oGd
— cole world no snuggie (@frostedtakes_) April 8, 2024

Not he felt conflicted and was misusing his influence… https://t.co/VeADyDXb38
— BRI (@BriMalandro) April 8, 2024

The liberals telling you to wear special glasses to protect yourself from the eclipse are the same people who told you to wear a mask to defend yourself from a perfectly harmless virus.
— New York Times Pitchbot (@DougJBalloon) April 7, 2024

This was Ontario's pandemic experience in a nutshell and people wonder why our brains are fucked up now https://t.co/RIwXrYC0CP
— Clare Blackwood (@clareblackwood) April 7, 2024

I have not purchased a cup of coffee outside of my home since 2020. According to "financial experts," I should have enough saved now to buy a house.
— holly (@girlziplocked) April 7, 2024

omg found it https://t.co/POlOliSeDy pic.twitter.com/c8QhJVMGcJ
— 𝐒𝐢𝐝𝐧𝐞𝐲 (@sidcollett) April 7, 2024

not over curb ending tonight,,, my entire family still says 'thank you larry' in this exact tone to each other all the time pic.twitter.com/QYv3CiBzI1
— ✨ (@abolishcxps) April 7, 2024

Adios, Curb Your Enthusiasm
Gonna miss these two pic.twitter.com/RPXGCjqMgK
— Tom Reagan's Hat (@RufusTSuperfly) April 7, 2024

Leon complaining about Kramer 😂😂😂 #CurbYourEnthusiasm pic.twitter.com/9bOASC53l3
— Justice for Jordan (@TVFan43) April 8, 2024

Larry heard everyone bitch and moan about the Seinfeld finale for decades and when Curb ended, he decided to do the same fucking thing. It might be one of the best jokes in TV history, a punchline 26 years in the making.
— Żarówka (@BivouacChillin) April 8, 2024

Curb Your Enthusiasm is ending tonight after being on for 25 years and this remains my favorite joke in the whole shows run pic.twitter.com/JDnYDmBhJ2
— Lisan al Gaeulib (@DonGaeuleone) April 7, 2024

curb your enthusiasm was just a ploy for larry to spite everyone that's bitched and complained about the seinfeld finale these past decades pic.twitter.com/GfVN8NLUEU
— alexa la cerva (@diegoIunas) April 8, 2024

Now that the show is over I can definitely say this is my favorite curb joke pic.twitter.com/N3YrrVJafH
— beck♨️ (@beckgoogle) April 8, 2024

Just finished the #CurbYourEnthusiasm series finale and this is so much funnier with that context lol pic.twitter.com/JAF2isYR2p
— joe 🌨️ (@jwheater32) April 8, 2024

April 8

Margaret Thatcher died 11 years ago today 🍗 pic.twitter.com/RiC95mLMTJ
— Husko (@dank_ackroyd) April 8, 2024

Nancy Reagan https://t.co/pLQfcfrtU1
— filho de Iemanjá 🧜‍♂️🔎🌺 (@ladydreamspeed) April 8, 2024

Every time I talk to a gen z person, I'm firmer in my belief that they're going to completely destroy office culture not with intention but by simply refusing to learn how to use any Microsoft product. Like game over, capitalism.
— holly (@girlziplocked) April 9, 2024

It's called gross pay cause it's disgusting to see what you could've made
— デレク (@Derekalexander_) April 8, 2024

update: i just got fired lol https://t.co/39vMJS6KiY
— angel (@g4ylittlemonkey) April 8, 2024

In Canada we call that a Frill https://t.co/1RdYrmtuwn
— michael kolberg (@mikeykolberg) April 8, 2024

Kendrick : 🥷 fuck the Big 3 🥷 it's just Big Me

Cole: pic.twitter.com/zhfrRHYzH5
— Scheming A. Smith (@Bad_Money29) April 8, 2024

QUEBEC IS GETTING MORE OF THE ECLIPSE THAN US! - Alberta, probably
— "UnAlbertan" CougstaX (@cougsta) April 8, 2024

QAnon followers doing video analysis to prove how Biden is secretly being played by Jim Carrey

11/10 no notes pic.twitter.com/qJDqx8lexR
— Feminist Proper Gander (@dappergander) April 9, 2024

It is pretty crazy how we all know this was a murder and we're like "that's how it be sometimes" https://t.co/O6EbyNW37z
— Skyler Higley (@skyler_higley) April 9, 2024

I wonder if the Hollywood executives that complained about my tweets this past fall calling this genocide a genocide are following up on their emails to say My Bad
— broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) April 9, 2024

That's a wrap. Behind the scenes of the last moment of #CurbYourEnthusiasm production pic.twitter.com/1JyW9Q6Lh3
— Mark Stephen Levy ✍️ (@TheRealMarkLevy) April 8, 2024

This honestly would have been a fantastic Curb Your Enthusiasm episode. https://t.co/O7gVfmubcW
— Justin Baragona (@justinbaragona) April 8, 2024

Larry David uses JB Smoove's best Curb comebacks in real lifehttps://t.co/HNY2mkIZKa pic.twitter.com/IanTsUmhJ3
— nick catucci (@catucci) April 8, 2024

A "Floor Fucker" sign at Bruce Springsteen on the night of the Curb finale. Perfection. pic.twitter.com/HuGx9H2PRq
— David Futernick (@davidfuternick) April 8, 2024

Start learning the piano brother https://t.co/pJGU5LhYOv
— GEESE HOWARD (@Yamscasino) April 9, 2024

pic.twitter.com/Ny4ATUdDPn
— Evan Thomas (@EvanDerekThomas) April 8, 2024

I seent it pic.twitter.com/4pQJlzGFlS
— Charles J. Moore (@charles270) April 8, 2024

Instead of the eclipse, today I'll be staring at our brave men and women in uniform.
— Michael A. Balazo (@mbalazo) April 8, 2024

Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I'm going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
— Ginny Hogan (@ginnyhogan_) April 8, 2024

Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going "I know. I know"
— Harrison Weinreb (@harriweinreb) April 8, 2024

By the way, the scientists that were able to predict the time of a solar eclipse years in the future down to the exact minute? Same scientists that are saying climate change is real and caused by humans. Just an FYI.
— Aaron Hoyland (@aaronhoyland) April 8, 2024

first baby: i don't think we're going to do screens for the first two years

second baby: well her older brother is watching tv so she can watch some too

third baby: ok bud this is called tubi, i'll see you this afternoon
— Ben Rosen (@ben_rosen) April 8, 2024

https://t.co/QApiaqZiYj pic.twitter.com/y2cFrePfHD
— Lincoln Michel (@TheLincoln) April 8, 2024

April 9

Pretty positive this song only had a verse and chorus. #fakenews (I'm here all week) pic.twitter.com/ByKXlEMkGU
— Jon Dore (@TVsJonDore) April 9, 2024

likely injury to happen to a greek person https://t.co/54EZHXzAaG
— fraser ramon (@SteveMerkle9) April 10, 2024

*On my first day as an athletic trainer after lying on my resume*

"Yeah uhhh do 200 swishes on the juice orb" https://t.co/NaJ0gUkJaX
— Gary Treeman (@PurpyNFL) April 9, 2024

Her replacement gone have trouble. https://t.co/p7YGZf2yDB
— Auntie Peach 🍑 (@kenyaPEACHESk) April 9, 2024

Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
— John Moe (@johnmoe) April 9, 2024

Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
— Ed (@eddo75) April 9, 2024

I'm sorry if I like your photo on instagram that is three days old. I am not obsessed with you, it's just sitting at the top of my feed now because technology is getting worse by the day. I've never checked the date on a post and I never will so get used to it
— Bec Shaw (@Brocklesnitch) April 9, 2024

beyond it being psychotic to paparazzi a 94 year old minding his own business, they're dinging him for wearing an outfit from weeks earlier, which is the normal way to wear clothes https://t.co/sZ6Feqcxj9
— Zack Bornstein (@ZackBornstein) April 9, 2024

Stop photographing Gene Hackman, you fucking assholes. He's 94. He's retired. He chose to leave the public eye. If you're publishing pictures of him for any reason, you are the bad guy.
— DrewMcWeeny (@DrewMcWeeny) April 9, 2024

I like that if you fuck with Gene Hackman, the entire country turns on you. We're not that broken.
— Jay Friedman (@freejay) April 10, 2024

Albertans watching Manitobans getting Federal money for housing, dental, healthcare, pharmacare ….#NeverVoteConservative pic.twitter.com/oUcKRCq9w1
— JanineGio (@janjette) April 9, 2024

"I have to check with my wife/husband" is married people speak for "I don't want to" https://t.co/bYyi9JogU6
— Jennifer Leigh (@The_Feminist_TM) April 9, 2024

I hate giving handjobs, it feels like being an amateur athlete trying to show the Olympic gold medalist their skills
— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) April 10, 2024

This would be people with $80,000 pickups, $120,000 motor homes and $250,000 big rigs sacrificing days of income to bitch and whine about (*checks notes*) 3.2 cents per litre.

We are not talking about financial wizards here. https://t.co/VnZXf6JJOv
— CC (@canadiancynic) April 9, 2024

Economists estimate that Long COVID will cost the U.S. $3.7 TRILLION, but go on. https://t.co/2AlxzchbtC
— Dr. Lucky Tran (@luckytran) April 10, 2024

Humans are just so dumb. https://t.co/owfi5XAH1h
— T. Ryan Gregory (@TRyanGregory) April 9, 2024

It looks like they're rebooting Seinfeld https://t.co/Rwr9WN9qJE
— Mr. Chau (@Srirachachau) April 9, 2024

April 10

showgirls used to scare me bc I thought she was a big worm https://t.co/E0byl5l5pd pic.twitter.com/4355q5OWFA
— andie (@AndieIsOnline) April 10, 2024

i can buy nepo babies in character on tv and in movies but they should not be allowed to do commercials. rashida jones i know you dont care about getting cash back with every purchase. dan levy has never looked for an apartment online.
— Lizzie Logan (@lizzzzzielogan) April 10, 2024

"If you're making $20 an hour to work at a fast food restaurant… Is that 6 figures??" - Jesse Watters

He's told that it is $40,000 a year.

"Okay, then if your husband or wife is also there, you're making $100,000 as a family."

He's corrected AGAIN & told the actual number is… pic.twitter.com/vpsc54AWnj
— W. Kamau Bell (@wkamaubell) April 10, 2024

I took this test and it just showed me a picture of a coffin https://t.co/Jr9W7Aq1Dh
— Clare Blackwood (@clareblackwood) April 10, 2024

you miss 100% of the shots you don't take https://t.co/Yen73k49XT
— Brenden Gallagher (@brendengallager) April 10, 2024

Welcome to our world, Jeff… https://t.co/sxaXgPVeXR
— Four Seasons Total Landscaping (@TotalSeasons) April 10, 2024

Focus on Tim.
Pull focus to window.
You get right next to Tim for it to look real. You gotta be right next to him. Everybody tries to make it look fake. Fuckers.
Pull focus back to Tim.
Tim moves head.
Tim smokes perfectly.

You're driving with the Driving Crooner, baby. https://t.co/PpFznfxsA8 pic.twitter.com/RfQXM5TN4l
— sreekar (@sreekyshooter) April 10, 2024

Well… pic.twitter.com/H2OJDSPiwP
— Tom Reagan's Hat (@RufusTSuperfly) April 10, 2024

https://t.co/MLS6zNfgzX pic.twitter.com/8IdzBkXKP0
— Rick Paulas (@rick_paulas) April 10, 2024

The Animals are cool cuz they are way scarier than any heavy metal band while wearing matching little suits. They've definitely killed people. https://t.co/MkLUguqhne
— Brad Wenzel (@BradWenzel) April 10, 2024

why has there never been an indie folk supergroup of three powerful singer-songwriter women who have major sapphic bisexual energy and subvert cultural expectations by parodying popular rockist tropes in the media?
— jos (@josiahhughes) April 10, 2024

Every couple months they invent a new word for "not doing extra work for free" https://t.co/qZCmzyWYX2
— Zack Budryk (@BudrykZack) April 10, 2024

Hydrogen bomb of charisma uniqueness nerve and talent vs. weak coughing baby..... https://t.co/aqn2HrRu8c
— i'm normal (@boners) April 10, 2024

This is so awesome. Everyone is so insane now. https://t.co/VDZbiaeTik
— andrew (@mrnastynodrama) April 11, 2024

I'm sure the irony of him using an iceberg as a metaphor for a climate policy he opposes is lost on him. https://t.co/MesWKGg3am
— Max Fawcett 🇨🇦 (@maxfawcett) April 10, 2024

April 11

Finally, OJ can rest knowing his wife's killer is dead https://t.co/GeitO82yZA
— Brad Williams (@funnybrad) April 11, 2024

Now that OJ Simpson is dead get ready for the woke police to dig into his past to find out something shady he did
— Raanan Hershberg (@Raanancomedy) April 11, 2024

OJ Simpson died on the same day Ford issued a recall on the Bronco https://t.co/cBxXiN7L8p
— Johnny Toronto (@johnnytoronto99) April 11, 2024

it would be so legendary if they did this for the funeral procession pic.twitter.com/4r5tfENn39
— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) April 11, 2024

OJ lied? https://t.co/whQQUP0nPU
— Sam Morril (@sammorril) April 11, 2024

In honor of OJ Simpson dying, here's one of my favorite 30 Rock scenes pic.twitter.com/ENZkhXx1CJ
— Karen Huger's CVS Shoes (@spicykezzinnugg) April 11, 2024

Always thought it would be the absolute funniest thing if he actually didn't do it and just had the worst vibes of anyone on the planet. https://t.co/3ZfOaSK6sr
— Marcus Finch (@ocmd73) April 11, 2024

Here's 10+ minutes of Norm Macdonald shitting on OJ Simpson pic.twitter.com/bEEhNozhp2
— Fifty Shades of Whey (@davenewworld_2) April 11, 2024

You a k!ller too!? https://t.co/42jcpj3qHV
— TheeMarketingMamí (@WizMonifaaa) April 11, 2024

OJ Simpson? The Hall of Fame running back? pic.twitter.com/OZ9tEbpSLa
— Dylan Hornik (@_Hornik_) April 11, 2024

"OJ Simpson's family released a statement announcing that the former NFL star has died from cancer. Cancer remains one of the top killers in the United States, ranking just ahead of... OJ Simpson." pic.twitter.com/bwSNarNotB
— TDot Resident (@TDotResident) April 11, 2024

Shout out to all of the teachers in October 1995 who dragged out that TV on wheels into the classroom and had us watch the OJ verdict.
— la befana🇵🇸 (@Sandinista412) April 11, 2024

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: April 12, 2024

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