The most effed-up bastard I’ve ever seen, evergreen, good sitcom scenes, the Bills and what might’ve been, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

January 19

my brain at 3am pic.twitter.com/l9PVUkD7qw
— 𝔐 (@Wheeema) January 19, 2024

holy shit they're working together https://t.co/QXX7ZJyqfM
— Emoji Caresser (@LizRummy) January 19, 2024

Wait I was right https://t.co/oPS2HkxNJG pic.twitter.com/27dps1fJTb
— evan (@esjesjesj) January 19, 2024

Spotted by Garfield High School: pic.twitter.com/1UrZ2Y9Xie
— Lake City Lifeline (@LC_Lifeline) January 20, 2024

pic.twitter.com/jZfld7rEpZ
— ✧ (@northstardoll) January 20, 2024

Well yes India may have killed a Canadian citizen and got me elected leader of The CPC but LGBTQ and vaccines are bad. pic.twitter.com/xzrqzzNo2k
— Roddy (@RodKahx) January 19, 2024

https://t.co/vlMVGQiiPy pic.twitter.com/QtbjS3hAsr
— DJ R-Tistic (@DJRTistic) January 19, 2024

It's a little known fact that David Bowie would never release an album until it had been approved by at least two Commissioner Gordons. https://t.co/IA7ufDfDHe
— John Trumbull (@TrumbullComic) January 19, 2024

This is actually one of the most surreally horrific things I’ve ever seen in my life how is this shot exactly like a nightmare https://t.co/RI5jpMzfNy
— joe bro (@jbromovies) January 20, 2024

“This next song is ALSO dedicated to Jodie Foster” pic.twitter.com/AhTw4eeVGZ
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) January 19, 2024

Calling Joe Biden “far left” is embarrassing. It’s like saying cheddar cheese is “too spicy”
— Kevin McCaffrey (@KevinMcCaff) January 19, 2024

i am so envious of someone being allowed to be this cooked at their job and on camera with zero repercussions https://t.co/jEgVW49PBH
— horse powder (@JuliusIrvington) January 19, 2024

If Joe Biden has done this, it would lead every newscast in the country https://t.co/0B3CIVwvYz
— Dan Pfeiffer (@danpfeiffer) January 20, 2024

what the hell was that all about i loved it pic.twitter.com/aZzSHBOdsH
— horse dentist (@equine__dentist) January 19, 2024

January 20

oh my gods what an annotation pic.twitter.com/XFtMHn1khR
— Sorcha Ní Nia (@Luiseach) January 20, 2024

Now that is a hilarious community note pic.twitter.com/uNBSp4P0ZU
— Mikaela (@FridayInHalifax) January 20, 2024

right underneath taylor swift killing the planet with her private jet is my name with my paper towel usage i am just cranking through those
— s*d (@06fordexplorer) January 21, 2024

we have bob dylan https://t.co/wXHO2sm7iE pic.twitter.com/XorahXeC2y
— Ian Grant (@ian__grant) January 20, 2024

Hmm. 😂 https://t.co/PW8HFuk1Dl
— Be A King (@BerniceKing) January 21, 2024

ONE CHICKEN FOR WILLY https://t.co/NKWtX19Xyf pic.twitter.com/AAn3O8d86z
— hugh jass (@Joshwashswag) January 21, 2024

just greedy https://t.co/iU71vegCHl
— RK Jackson | Atlanta 🛸 (@theerkj) January 20, 2024

If a town of people have to die so my family knows my child has a dick, then by God that town must perish pic.twitter.com/MxqepjlVc2
— Lily Simpson is putting the T(rans) in YouTube (@LilySimpson1312) January 21, 2024

the list of US diplomats I admire is extremely short but this fuckin’ guy lmao pic.twitter.com/CkRFX1gsmU
— A-100 gecs (@PinstripeBungle) January 20, 2024

Accidentally said “Shirley” instead of “Siri” and now my phone is stuck in Airplane mode
— Stone Cold Jane Austen (@AbbyHiggs) January 20, 2024

Teaching not being one of the highest paid professions in America will forever be criminal. https://t.co/CWQebCfH1Q
— Shawn (@ShawnZGatlin) January 21, 2024

>Calls Rowling a transhpobe
>Drops trans charities in replies
>Refuses to elaborate
>Closes comments

Based https://t.co/IzE5qKW3z3
— Jasmine('s boobs hurt) (@Ranting_Trans) January 20, 2024

The kids are alright pic.twitter.com/HSD0CEYQ2z
— Fuck You I Quit (@fuckyouiquit) January 20, 2024

My sports anxiety won’t let me sit at the end of close games regardless of the sport.

I’m creating a monster and it’s everything I always dreamed it would be. pic.twitter.com/T4Pc3sJpVD
— Sean Manning (@SeanManning_1) January 21, 2024

January 21

for a while whenever my bf refused to wake up i accused him of being gay for the sandman. so now when i shake him in the mornings sometimes he just mutters “im not gay”
— sophia (@pastoralcomical) January 22, 2024

Diva down pic.twitter.com/nTpnAeoYdF
— phil (@philipjonathn) January 21, 2024

zero whales have had to pull out of the presidential race because they were embarrassingly unpopular, but ron desantis just did, this is probably because he is a tiny little baby joke of a man and, unlike whales, can not do any sweet tricks or flips
— whalefact (@awhalefact) January 21, 2024

it's not just that DeSantis was easy to bully, but also that he was fun to bully. you really got the sense that he went home and wept every night.
— JP (@jpbrammer) January 22, 2024

can’t stop thinking about how ron desantis basically had it all handed to him on a silver platter and all he had to do was not be a weird little gremlin
— soul nate (@MNateShyamalan) January 22, 2024

i’ve met a lot of born babies and they don’t have shit to say pic.twitter.com/XQhmPEgM4Z
— kelbin (@pissboymcgee) January 21, 2024

pic.twitter.com/3FENRgLzES
— Queen Liza (@KrystalWolfyAlt) January 21, 2024

Why are yall incapable of leaving the house without your damn dog? https://t.co/yUyXhQQtB7
— chris evans (@notcapnamerica) January 22, 2024

Y’all both look like two different eras of Eddie Murphy https://t.co/Uo0sserYWF
— Sam Rothstein ™ (@black_virginian) January 21, 2024

Of what, exactly?

Funding genocide?
Substandard living?
Massive debt? https://t.co/3zOtZORQwn
— Karim #FreePalestine (@shift_in2_turbo) January 21, 2024

Biden is powerless to stop bad things from happening but vote for him to stop bad things from happening
— K ☭ (@IbaraEleven) January 21, 2024

You gotta be RIGHT next to him for it to look real https://t.co/X9vMAN4eeD pic.twitter.com/DESB8BX2Bk
— ITYSL memes 💦🥩 (@ITYSL_memes) January 22, 2024

I love that the Lions have embraced Tim Robinson and Sam Richardson as celebrity fans, and I’m MESMERIZED by the idea of NFL fans at large engaging with deep cut I Think You Should Leave references. https://t.co/6rZbyffnBm
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) January 21, 2024

I feel you. I be cryin at a different set of bills, but I feel you. https://t.co/e4OnvCRgPG
— Jasmine (@JasmineLWatkins) January 22, 2024

Y’all worried bout da chiefs and da bills. But are ya bills paid? Chief?
— 🦍🦍 (@iGoat_7) January 21, 2024

pic.twitter.com/5pgljDfZcq
— joe bro (@jbromovies) January 22, 2024

The Feast Of Bacchus, by Phillips de Koninck, 1654, 📸 by @k__h__r pic.twitter.com/7elzpxZske
— ArtButMakeItSports (@ArtButSports) January 22, 2024

Screw it here is with the sound https://t.co/8RIQPVv6MD pic.twitter.com/4ed01N56wN
— Danny Heifetz (@Danny_Heifetz) January 22, 2024

if you think Jason Kelce going bonkers at a football game is cool, but are annoyed by Taylor Swift cheering, you might just hate women
— Kayla Knapp (@TheKaylaKnapp) January 22, 2024

January 22

This is the look of a woman who loves a dumb ass. My wife gives me the same exact one. pic.twitter.com/xKHnWP3AG8
— SG (@itsStephGee) January 22, 2024

I feel there could have been a better way for management to diarise my annual leave pic.twitter.com/GcPHGQCtCu
— jack (@hiyajackk) January 22, 2024

how it feels to be employed on a monday pic.twitter.com/85yA2MpBVg
— elise 🇵🇸 (@killthe_switch) January 22, 2024

used to be you could use a pulley system to raise up a piano to a great height and drop it onto an enemy and that person would simply accordion out from under it with a large lump and their teeth replaced by the piano’s keys. but nowadays that would kill a man. because of woke
— old tom (@YuckyTom) January 22, 2024

i will never forget this clip https://t.co/Oesc808RKc pic.twitter.com/6TkEJ0P7Ly
— bboy (@abbitchboy) January 22, 2024

i wish i could watch this again for the first time pic.twitter.com/7ACmzaPwLe https://t.co/DoeLDFnIlo
— girl dennis reynolds (@paddysroyco) January 22, 2024

jessica walter you are so missed pic.twitter.com/72C5iybNSG https://t.co/8mC7I1ZpAr
— caity (@ktmob_) January 22, 2024

the funniest to mepic.twitter.com/bBXVLPRdLh https://t.co/R8A8hbbK51
— َ (@arthurpendraqon) January 22, 2024

pic.twitter.com/GdXuTjh1D3
— Kate Spitzmiller 🕊️ (@KateSpitzmiller) January 22, 2024

i love how he even dolly zoomed the clock lol raimi was an absolute menace https://t.co/ugYlX3saRt
— laura 🦠 (@ecto_fun) January 23, 2024

TOP 5 WORST RADIOACTIVE CELEBRITIES:

5. Plutonium Danza
4. Radon Chong
3. Sonny & Chernobyl
2. Isotopo Gigio
1. Midge Uranium & Ultravox
— Dave Merritt (@GoldenSeals) January 23, 2024

nevermind he cheated on me https://t.co/utoyQEv4p9
— grass (@keepoffgrasss) January 22, 2024

Girl who are you talking to https://t.co/ZV3MKzsfoB
— Nori Reed Works Out LIVE at Union Hall 1/24 (@realnorireed) January 23, 2024

Mind you, this is the same woman saying America has never been a racist country and coincidentally not using her real name Nimarata https://t.co/ImU6OvUYEQ
— Olayemi Olurin (@msolurin) January 22, 2024

liberals when presented with a morally consistent and principled individual https://t.co/ArlypkuEn7 pic.twitter.com/CJgJLypS5C
— lil h (@bigsnugga) January 22, 2024

His emoji for the ref funny as hell https://t.co/Ho0FjjUOGy
— KD (@elitelife_kd) January 22, 2024

my editor: you need to make this part clearer

me: no I think we can trust the reader to interpret, I don't think we need to baby them

the reader: https://t.co/LTiLPMKQfZ
— Oliver Darkshire 🌈 (@deathbybadger) January 22, 2024

I love joining a class action lawsuit. Hell yeah I've been wronged. Justice needs to be served. A surprise check for $26 in 6 years will make it right
— alexandra (@bigmoodenergy) January 23, 2024

January 23

Filled out the paperwork for my daughter’s 1st passport and under “employment” was told to write “unemployed baby”
— Madelaine Lucas (@madelaine_lucas) January 23, 2024

Don't correct my English, I have no respect for this language, I only use it because it's the only one you understand
— Lara Jenn 🍉 (@_LaraJenn) January 23, 2024

Ken getting nominated and not Barbie is honestly so fitting for a film about a man discovering the power of patriarchy in the Real World.
— Michael. (@yosoymichael) January 23, 2024

I didn't even realize at first that "barely survived becoming the next victim of a mass murder plot" was actually shade at Lily Gladstone's nomination. Cause that's SO CRAZY. You're minimizing the genocide of Native Americans? Over BARBIE nominations? https://t.co/7kaQxC5e83
— Lon Harris (@Lons) January 24, 2024

“Why do all these people believe all this crazy shit???” asks a nation where every industry designed to communicate factual information or teach critical thinking skills has been liquidated by the rich in order to hide what they’ve done.
— Jared Yates Sexton (@JYSexton) January 23, 2024

Wow pic.twitter.com/9PFF2hfECU
— Liam Nissan™ (@theliamnissan) January 23, 2024

They're called Honda because you drive the car honda road
— imageviewer.e̸͖̾̿ẍ̶̩̩́́e̸ (Online and normal!) (@Hhhjjjjjjhhhhh) January 23, 2024

hey sorry for being so anxious earlier i had no idea everything would be fine
— clare (@sadderlizards) January 23, 2024

“Extra!! Extra!! read all about it!” ass fit https://t.co/3wZkbq6Qeh
— BASED SAVAGE (@crackcobain__) January 24, 2024

Getting suspended for taking performance enhancing drugs without a single enhanced performance is insane
— klarna kween (@onewhoisheard) January 24, 2024

My job really fired me because I'm dying. Lmfao. Y'all. Please do whatever you want these companies do not care about you.
— B. (@BeeeNICK) January 23, 2024

(in job interview) EMPLOYER: why do you wanna work her-

ME, interrupting: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
— beer person (@CantEverDie) January 23, 2024

one of my unemployed friends has got to let me make a graphic like this for them when they get a job https://t.co/sAEcjeYnrL
— miranda (@mirandareinert) January 24, 2024

have you met a 26 year old man https://t.co/QM4BTqyfuk
— Leslie (@HeyLeslie97) January 23, 2024

this is what my man sees before bed time https://t.co/sKFeA5r0R4 pic.twitter.com/GeuZV6Py1v
— amber (@dumbamber) January 24, 2024

“I hope this email finds you before I do” https://t.co/IgCzOSyWJN
— Sokhulu (@BonganiNtuli) January 23, 2024

evergreen https://t.co/uhy5mSSpE2 pic.twitter.com/7Mz5rpAP7t
— Ancommie🏴🏳️‍🌈🇵🇸🇺🇦 (@Ancommiey) January 24, 2024

Finally the government is cracking down on kindergarteners. https://t.co/SJmsN3iWVO
— Kerrie Nation (@KerrieNation) January 23, 2024

probably a sign of the times that you can run a TikTok account dedicated to generating bomb threats against schools and get appointed to a position of authority over education by a state government https://t.co/ZBawinu2DO
— Bat'ko (@batko_anarkhiya) January 23, 2024

barbie getting a nom for best picture but not best director is so weird cause like. no one walked away from that thinking “that was the best movie of the year” but everyone walked away from that thinking how they should let more women direct big budget FUN MOVIES
— yamini :) (@showmetheyamz) January 23, 2024

Lily Gladstone and Da’Vine Joy Randolph are going to win their categories but yeah it’s a big blow for feminism that the pretty blonde lady didn’t get nominated for the mega blockbuster. Sure.
— Bad Take Central (@badtakecentral) January 23, 2024

January 24

Hillary posting this but not thinking to congratulate Lily Gladstone on her deserved nomination is a very good summation of the politician. Someone genuinely obsessed with optics and pandering but also really bad at both things. pic.twitter.com/9ywqbL8WOB
— Jack Eason (@realJackEason) January 24, 2024

look at that subtle 2016 election reference. the tasteful Kenough placement of it. oh my God. It even has a hashtag. https://t.co/v0xFrcMvOn pic.twitter.com/Ox1AR7FnOe
— sick public transit, gloria (@seungylee14) January 24, 2024

What if I told you Barbie was a great and fun movie but didn’t deserve to be nominated for anything outside of costumes and production design
— MovieBoy (@movieboy69) January 24, 2024

tfw you realize you accidentally said the quiet part extremely loud https://t.co/11mhw6H4dL pic.twitter.com/vt5F9LzByD
— Victims of Capitalism Memorial Foundation (@karaokecomputer) January 24, 2024

“Do not use other genocides to describe this one” zionists are actually so dumb I’m crying
— Jacqueline (@jaxajueny) January 24, 2024

January 1st: it’s gonna be February before you know it.

January 75th: pic.twitter.com/nVFObvnC1g
— Not Today Eric (@NotTodayEric) January 25, 2024

one thing about January is that she's going to make sure you feel all 31 of her days
— iced latté ⚕️ (@_veuillez) January 24, 2024

ask a man why he can’t commit and I promise u the heartbreak he’s talking about is his 8th grade girlfriend. jessica was 12, forgive her daniel!!!
— HELLOTEFI 🐇 (@hellotefi) January 25, 2024

she took everything. the doohickeys, thingamajigs, gizmos, doodads. she even took the whatchamacallits
— Fredward, Fredward (@Fredward3948576) January 24, 2024

It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
— meggy (@dogmatic_shorty) January 24, 2024

I love subscribing to several streaming channels and yet when I look up every movie I want to watch it's somehow still an extra 4.99
— 红色娘子军🌹 (@detachment_red) January 25, 2024

my mom always has the most thought provoking takes on current events pic.twitter.com/ltkjozg805
— poop jones (@slimerxt) January 25, 2024

I do like that none of us are proclaiming we’re leaving Twitter anymore. We’re garbage people and this is where we are happy.
— Keith Orejel (@keithdorejel) January 25, 2024

i hate twitter but it kind of works as a mindfulness app to know that there are millions of people more insane than me
— اقراﺀ (@ghoulhag) January 24, 2024

pic.twitter.com/GpG77ARzPn
— ✧ (@northstardoll) January 24, 2024

One of Canada's telecom oligopolies brands itself as the national champion of mental health and everyone plays along and it's deeply weird. https://t.co/tSpC7cmxsa
— Don Hughes (@getfiscal) January 24, 2024

Conrad Black and Jordan Peterson have columns in the National Post. Tucker Carlson was a host on the most popular TV news network in America.

You know, the mainstream media. https://t.co/IgRzuLmRAM
— Max Fawcett 🇨🇦 (@maxfawcett) January 25, 2024

How, exactly, is it “free debate” when you have three dudes on stage who agree with each other (parroting the same extreme right MAGA lines ad nauseum)? What you’re doing is NOT debate. It’s handing a government-sponsored megaphone to some of the world’s biggest jerks. https://t.co/3jjjZxTH6y
— Gil McGowan (@gilmcgowan) January 25, 2024

I don’t understand why people are paying money to see Tucker Carlson. We live in Alberta. If you want to listen to someone rant about white replacement conspiracy theories and gender ideology in schools, you can just go to, like, any Tim Hortons.
— Aaron Hoyland (@aaronhoyland) January 24, 2024

FIVE GUYS ARE SUCKIN DICK IN MUNICH GERMANY pic.twitter.com/QzPAtQEANs
— landee🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿❤️ (@bylandee) January 24, 2024

man fuck LA. Everyone out here cares about awards season. Chicago just spent 2 weeks celebrating a rat-shaped hole.
— Skyler Higley (@skyler_higley) January 25, 2024

i think about this all the time pic.twitter.com/zOUf9vpalY
— kcl (@kycarrerolopez) January 24, 2024

Did you know that you can put donation stuff in your car and then drive them directly to the Goodwill and not drive around with them for months?
— your other mom (@difficultpatty) January 24, 2024

It’s not shoplifting, it’s an employee discount for working the check out. https://t.co/wqFhs1bhRM
— John-Michael Bond (@BondJohnBond) January 24, 2024

Thanasis brain need to be studied 💀 pic.twitter.com/ArstzEDO7A
— BrickMuse (@BrickMuse) January 25, 2024

This is what Hold Steady sounds like to me https://t.co/KGzi1lZt5D
— taylor (@GeorgeTaylorG) January 25, 2024

imagine how sick doing this with your friends would be pic.twitter.com/Jgz5ZpfXTz
— sean (@DilettanteryPod) January 24, 2024

this is the most fucked up bastard i have ever seen https://t.co/xW9xNiKn9Z
— GREGY (@GREGY_CK) January 25, 2024

January 25

People cheer on media layoffs but don’t come crying when your local AI fake news bot starts falsely reporting you were arrested for something and you get fired and there are no real journalists left to cover your plight! Or when there’s a local disaster or corruption!
— Kat Tenbarge (@kattenbarge) January 25, 2024

Ok how come nobody has talked about how Tucker has very clearly pissed his pants in this picture pic.twitter.com/RiRI4K949m
— jerf 🛹 (@jeffdsilva) January 26, 2024

Hahahaha Greg Abbott is a jackass pic.twitter.com/VFVANoNg4H
— Liam Nissan™ (@theliamnissan) January 25, 2024

exorcist sequel where they try to remove elvis from austin butler’s body https://t.co/iKr7wWcXNY
— Eddy Burback (@eddyburback) January 25, 2024

I did this back in 2006 when Borat came out https://t.co/ucrULmFZzG
— sammy kay (@thatSammyKay) January 25, 2024

“Millennials look younger than gen z” your kid literally can’t read. FOCUS
— Jacqueline (@jaxajueny) January 25, 2024

https://t.co/hob3egdYqD pic.twitter.com/EPIvniGWVV
— JRR Jokien (@joshcarlosjosh) January 25, 2024

Again I ask https://t.co/9YG9ZKgQRh pic.twitter.com/r6871bOAh2
— Kar (@karlogan_) January 25, 2024

A step-by-step guide to helping me in the kitchen:

1. Leave the kitchen
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) January 25, 2024

not the salmon having an MRI 😭 https://t.co/ODXml6n1Yf
— toni 🦋 (@toniyayo__) January 25, 2024

No garlic butter, no potatoes. Damn https://t.co/6rQwdtH3Tp
— Stephen A. Spliff (@BkJay_Early) January 25, 2024

Cheers to those who celebrate: pic.twitter.com/GiRjpcMGgK
— Sloane Crosley (@askanyone) January 25, 2024

yeah whatever producers hired the non union armorers to replace the original union crew that walked off set in protest of unsafe conditions are surely the responsible party...wait whats this here https://t.co/1epSW3xAYR pic.twitter.com/a79fdTum0B
— Underrated Twilight Zone Episode Truths (@Douggernaut_2) January 25, 2024

When your period comes and you're like ohhh that's why i was planning my suicide
— Invis🧜‍♀️ (@invis4yo) January 25, 2024

Welcome to NBA League Pass. pic.twitter.com/FXPmX9H6Ph
— Rob Perez (@WorldWideWob) January 26, 2024

This is like when Pacino won for Scent of a Woman https://t.co/xHTeKubCeY
— Sam Morril (@sammorril) January 26, 2024

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: January 26, 2024

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