Some concerns about who's assigned to bring America back, it's not really coffee just because it's black, pandemic breadmaking comes under attack, join the <em>Gossip Girl</em> meme pack, and much more from this week in funny tweets.&nbsp;<br>
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<strong>April 11</strong>

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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">A Facebook friend left their kid's chocolate Easter Bunny in the car a little too long and, uh <a href="https://t.co/fxnHiRpFtP">pic.twitter.com/fxnHiRpFtP</a></p>
— socially-distanced apolygetics (@JThomasReese) <a href="https://twitter.com/JThomasReese/status/1249020459192070150?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 11, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">We can't do this, Simone <a href="https://t.co/HyM7SOxql0">https://t.co/HyM7SOxql0</a></p>
— everybody hates yasir (@yahsiirr) <a href="https://twitter.com/yahsiirr/status/1249163816665075715?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 12, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">My friend just said that tonight her boyfriend quietly got up from the couch, went into the kitchen, measured out all the ingredients to make pancakes, made One Single Pancake, sat back down on the couch, ate it quietly, and did not even ask her if she wanted one</p>
— Marc (@MarcSnetiker) <a href="https://twitter.com/MarcSnetiker/status/1249213465992060928?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 12, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">spent a lifetime workin on my "don't be alarmed neighborino i'm just a friendly passerby" smile for white people and now i gotta walk around with a bandana on my mouth. this is bullshit</p>
— demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) <a href="https://twitter.com/electrolemon/status/1249093196644151296?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 11, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">BREAKING NEWS: I have been feeling unwell the last two days - tired, headache, foggy brain. I have been concerned about COVID infection, but it was hard to imagine how: we have been so careful.<br>
<br>
I just discovered 5 minutes ago that I HAVE BEEN MAKING DECAF COFFEE FOR 2 DAYS.</p>
— Claire Potter (@TenuredRadical) <a href="https://twitter.com/TenuredRadical/status/1249036827991908354?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 11, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<strong>April 12</strong>

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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">It ain't officially Easter until you've watched John Daker <a href="https://t.co/94SmAqXMYP">pic.twitter.com/94SmAqXMYP</a></p>
— Vic Berger IV (@VicBergerIV) <a href="https://twitter.com/VicBergerIV/status/1249455552691703811?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 12, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Even if you aren't religious, please take the opportunity at Easter to reflect on the main message of the Bible: if a whale eats you, you'll be fine</p>
— pixelatedboat aka "mr tweets" (@pixelatedboat) <a href="https://twitter.com/pixelatedboat/status/1249437034768265217?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 12, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">I'm sorry but did white people not have access to bread before the quarantine</p>
— Yassir Lester (@Yassir_Lester) <a href="https://twitter.com/Yassir_Lester/status/1249496954532290560?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 13, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Wife *yelling from other room* you're making bread? Why are you making bread?<br>
<br>
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it<br>
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Duck *holding gun* good answer</p>
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) <a href="https://twitter.com/ArfMeasures/status/1249341808791957504?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 12, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">This photo of the Hudson River was taken yesterday. The earth is healing. We are the virus. <a href="https://t.co/QDTizi2i6Q">pic.twitter.com/QDTizi2i6Q</a></p>
— Mark Lee (@meesterleesir) <a href="https://twitter.com/meesterleesir/status/1249373249265455104?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 12, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">short girls wearing docs clomping around like shetland ponies</p>
— diana (@lovelapsed) <a href="https://twitter.com/lovelapsed/status/1249522610783662080?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 13, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<strong>April 13</strong>

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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Confined but not discouraged, the mighty hunter makes do with alternative prey. <a href="https://t.co/1OpVHbkpyz">pic.twitter.com/1OpVHbkpyz</a></p>
— Dick King-Smith HQ (@DickKingSmith) <a href="https://twitter.com/DickKingSmith/status/1249586778316722176?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 13, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">not the choices i'd have gone with but ok <a href="https://t.co/2wE3tkef6s">pic.twitter.com/2wE3tkef6s</a></p>
— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) <a href="https://twitter.com/ditzkoff/status/1249783422308028416?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 13, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Moms ATE her!! Goddamn. <a href="https://t.co/wagpQAfDjl">pic.twitter.com/wagpQAfDjl</a></p>
— Enchantress of Rivia (@MelaniaMartell) <a href="https://twitter.com/MelaniaMartell/status/1249854605221138435?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 14, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Due to less air pollution the sky is so clear ! I can see the Universal logo ! <a href="https://t.co/EqiqIDL4JJ">pic.twitter.com/EqiqIDL4JJ</a></p>
— Romain Revert (@romainrevert) <a href="https://twitter.com/romainrevert/status/1249798306454212610?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 13, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">If oil goes any lower, Exxon Mobil might have to layoff some members of Congress.</p>
— Joseph Fahmy (@jfahmy) <a href="https://twitter.com/jfahmy/status/1249673448680554499?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 13, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="und" dir="ltr"><a href="https://t.co/CNlDLMFMeY">pic.twitter.com/CNlDLMFMeY</a></p>
— arego (@airuhgo) <a href="https://twitter.com/airuhgo/status/1249869662046670848?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 14, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="und" dir="ltr"><a href="https://t.co/clZXOrXYFb">pic.twitter.com/clZXOrXYFb</a></p>
— dirt prince (@pant_leg) <a href="https://twitter.com/pant_leg/status/1249896792755503105?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 14, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<strong>April 14</strong>

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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Ha. Trump says he will be "authorizing" each governor to reopen their state at the time of their choosing.<br>
<br>
This isn't his call; he doesn't get to authorize. The power is already theirs.</p>
— Daniel Dale (@ddale8) <a href="https://twitter.com/ddale8/status/1250192917781712897?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 14, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">I hereby authorize the squirrels in my neighborhood to scamper across my property in accordance with Squirrel Law <a href="https://t.co/7AhCezSvLS">https://t.co/7AhCezSvLS</a></p>
— Preet Bharara (@PreetBharara) <a href="https://twitter.com/PreetBharara/status/1250208436136148992?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 14, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">I like how ads have gone from "buy a toyota" to "this is a difficult and uncertain time for us all...buy a toyota"</p>
— california guy now (@InternetHippo) <a href="https://twitter.com/InternetHippo/status/1250069456665096193?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 14, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">well, it's been a month <a href="https://t.co/5JzpxoVBT4">https://t.co/5JzpxoVBT4</a></p>
— ishmael (@iD4RO) <a href="https://twitter.com/iD4RO/status/1250255320275800064?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 15, 2020</a></blockquote>
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&nbsp;
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">no one knows what it's like to be the bad man <a href="https://t.co/UpA1VFwjGh">https://t.co/UpA1VFwjGh</a></p>
— George Conway (@gtconway3d) <a href="https://twitter.com/gtconway3d/status/1250193065823940608?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 14, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself "paying attention," then cut her video &amp; replaced it with the picture. "It's a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can't tell." She is 10. <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/COVID19?src=hash&amp;ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#COVID19</a></p>
— Angie Maxwell (@AngieMaxwell1) <a href="https://twitter.com/AngieMaxwell1/status/1250299598347718656?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 15, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">One day I'll tell my grandchildren about the time I gaffe taped Bernie Sanders' iPad to a cushion so he could talk with his hands while live streaming with Cardi B. <a href="https://t.co/ggbqNBW7BM">pic.twitter.com/ggbqNBW7BM</a></p>
— Chris Witschy (@filmthebern) <a href="https://twitter.com/filmthebern/status/1250265281001381888?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 15, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Made my own <a href="https://t.co/CHTnpI2Jzb">pic.twitter.com/CHTnpI2Jzb</a></p>
— Rachel Sennott (@Rachel_Sennott) <a href="https://twitter.com/Rachel_Sennott/status/1250053902768226304?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 14, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<strong>April 15</strong>

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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">okay im done <a href="https://t.co/qNlzgjy5HG">pic.twitter.com/qNlzgjy5HG</a></p>
— shopgirl (@FierceMajeure) <a href="https://twitter.com/FierceMajeure/status/1250452723973206018?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 15, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Can someone fix bacon packaging this has gone on long enough</p>
— Mary H.K. Choi (@choitotheworld) <a href="https://twitter.com/choitotheworld/status/1250444150215827458?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 15, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="es" dir="ltr">ADORPION <a href="https://t.co/lbuUSOzJKJ">https://t.co/lbuUSOzJKJ</a></p>
— pinko princess (@wehpudicabok) <a href="https://twitter.com/wehpudicabok/status/1250492229124100097?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 15, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Am I to understand that some of you people are playing a video game where you're in debt</p>
— Einstürzende Louboutin (@negaversace) <a href="https://twitter.com/negaversace/status/1250443767410286592?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 15, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">In my 53 years of seeing dumb things, defunding the WHO in the middle of a global pandemic is the winner.</p>
— Andy Slavitt @ 🏡 (@ASlavitt) <a href="https://twitter.com/ASlavitt/status/1250645137643966464?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 16, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">if you're a high school senior upset about your school year being cut short please reach out to me. I'd like to make fun of you.</p>
— 𝘾𝘼𝙇𝙀𝘽 𝙃𝙀𝘼𝙍𝙊𝙉 (@calebsaysthings) <a href="https://twitter.com/calebsaysthings/status/1250482998425915392?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 15, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">my boyfriend and i are 21 and we just bought our dream home after combining our $1200 stimulus checks. stop being lazy. <a href="https://t.co/nxohulpuFt">pic.twitter.com/nxohulpuFt</a></p>
— Shay (@emoselenass) <a href="https://twitter.com/emoselenass/status/1250466486185070592?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 15, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<strong>April 16</strong>

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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">i'm baby <a href="https://t.co/zB0Uqh8WKr">pic.twitter.com/zB0Uqh8WKr</a></p>
— buns iverson (@FranziaMom) <a href="https://twitter.com/FranziaMom/status/1250837486273773569?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 16, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">If you weren't sure of how bad things have gotten, Amazon is out of podcast mics.</p>
— Hanna Dickinson (@hansdickie) <a href="https://twitter.com/hansdickie/status/1250860479335063552?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 16, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Crabs are back in airports. Nature is healing 🙏 <a href="https://t.co/NOLAOPtK7s">https://t.co/NOLAOPtK7s</a></p>
— Aimee Ouellette (@_aouellette) <a href="https://twitter.com/_aouellette/status/1250874619428352000?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 16, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Good morning to my neighbor who walked out on to his back porch, did a sun salutation, and then yelled FUUUUUUUUCK so loud that he startled the birds.</p>
— Meg Elison (@megelison) <a href="https://twitter.com/megelison/status/1250827616438947840?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 16, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Saw a girl crossing the street to avoid two runners without masks then get boxed in by yet another runner without a mask in the bike lane and she just screamed "FUCK ALL OF YOU" and I want her to be president</p>
— Dan Sheehan (@ItsDanSheehan) <a href="https://twitter.com/ItsDanSheehan/status/1251001734308130818?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 17, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Oprah, honey, I hope you kept the receipt. <a href="https://t.co/Zcb2x1w3RF">pic.twitter.com/Zcb2x1w3RF</a></p>
— Randy Rainbow (@RandyRainbow) <a href="https://twitter.com/RandyRainbow/status/1250999043087532037?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 17, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">this site is unreal <a href="https://t.co/GtjTAYe0wD">pic.twitter.com/GtjTAYe0wD</a></p>
— Valentina (@leftistthot420) <a href="https://twitter.com/leftistthot420/status/1250868755095269376?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 16, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<strong>April 17</strong>

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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Fiona Apple was waiting for the entire world to descend into restless melancholic rage and then once we all started pacing our kitchens in our underwear in the middle of the night she was like, "You're ready."</p>
— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) <a href="https://twitter.com/bessbell/status/1251159535873454081?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 17, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">My wife is taking a walk to listen to the new Fiona Apple album without distraction and I hope she comes home instead of joining a coven of other Brooklyn women on the same journey she is.</p>
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) <a href="https://twitter.com/joshgondelman/status/1251145191869669377?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 17, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">I'm no virologist but encouraging civil unrest during a pandemic seems ill advised. <a href="https://t.co/UxwpHFtqFH">pic.twitter.com/UxwpHFtqFH</a></p>
— Molly Jong-Fast🏡 (@MollyJongFast) <a href="https://twitter.com/MollyJongFast/status/1251171120121864196?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 17, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Have we considered consulting Dr. Dre about coronavirus, seeing as we have apparently gone through all other available doctors</p>
— Jane Coaston (@cjane87) <a href="https://twitter.com/cjane87/status/1251163909911916545?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 17, 2020</a></blockquote>
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Vish Khanna

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: April 17, 2020

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