Babies and ppl who twerk, call in weird for work, a snake quirk, convenience stores in New York, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

April 22

pic.twitter.com/inb1M2nSTa
— evn (@cryb0i) April 23, 2022

I have been banned from family scrabble for like six years and last night they finally let me back in, but apparently the ban was just reinstated 💀 pic.twitter.com/3Q4r2hjSmt
— Kaylie Smith (@KaylsMoon) April 22, 2022

How do I explain to New Yorkers that convenience stores are a thing that exist in literally every city on earth
— Syndicalist Weedle Collective (@Weedledouble) April 23, 2022

remember when Prince got trapped in a 360 deal and warner bros said they not only owned his music but his name and so he was like "bet" and just became the arist formerly known as prince and mfs tried to paint him as crazy? i remember that shit vividly
— glock dookie (@bigsnugga) April 22, 2022

cop: where's your permit?

street performer: [shuffling cups on a table] where indeed.
— Ordinary (@OrdinaryAlso) April 23, 2022

this spot reserved for ppl that twerk at babies pic.twitter.com/hOhZ2sK3Ak
— 𝑹𝒆𝒗. 𝑫𝒓. 𝑫𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒍𝒂𝒔 𝑻𝒖𝒓𝒌𝒆𝒚𝒅𝒊𝒄𝒌 (@RaptorBreath) April 22, 2022

April 23

I wish there were a finite number of things you could google in your lifetime. oh I've only got 600 googles left?? guess I don't have to know how tall laura dern is. guess I could pick up a book or have a conversation with someone I love
— Laura Peek (@laurapeek_) April 24, 2022

batman: *buys catwoman a drink*

catwoman: *slowly pushes drink off the table*
— kai (@evilkaiguy) April 24, 2022

when i share a bed w a man i know it is my duty as a woman to hog the blanket. when i look over in the middle of the night and he is so cold, blanketless, shivering, i smile at my feminist win.
— dana bad (@baddanadanabad) April 23, 2022

pic.twitter.com/W9NftpfoZp
— Jasmine (@JasmineLWatkins) April 24, 2022

This was Ben Simmons on the sideline tonight pic.twitter.com/KNHvAgRTYz
— josh (@jshyb_) April 24, 2022

He was watching her the whole time pic.twitter.com/2CgcnTt61b
— Colton Denning (@Dubsco) April 24, 2022

Coachella sounds like a kind of bacteria. If someone told me they were tired from Coachella, I'd be like "you should have washed your lettuce better"
— Vinny Thomas (@vinn_ayy) April 23, 2022

Yesterday I learned from a colleague who studies snakes that climate change will cause them to become bigger, and I think this should probably be a more central part of political messaging.
— Michelle De Groot (@troynovaunt) April 23, 2022

April 24

People in gardening group reporting a bizarre lack of scent in their lilacs this year and I'm thinking it isn't the lilacs...
— Charlene Teglia (@CharleneTeglia) April 25, 2022

healthy democracy pic.twitter.com/yb74qARgKO
— Mac (@GoodPoliticGuy) April 24, 2022

IM SORRY BUT AGISM IS LIKE A 50 YEAR OLD WOMAN WONT BE HIRED FOR A FRONT DESK POSITION OVER A 20 SOMETHING NOT AN 88 YEAR OLD WANTING TO MAKE LAWS LIKE A FICTITIOUS DEMENTED PRINCE
— Liz Harvey (@_lizharvey) April 24, 2022

NYT Orrin Hatch obit is wild. pic.twitter.com/wGtrQ8c8Pm
— Jonathan Larsen (@jtlarsen) April 24, 2022

you should be able to call in weird for work. like no i'm not coming in, you don't want me there when i'm goofing
— slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) April 24, 2022

Scottie Barnes, NBA Rookie of the Year, is further proof that whenever Masai Ujiri makes a draft pick and a large section of Toronto's fanbase doesn't like the pick then it's probably the right pick.
— Sid Seixeiro (@Sid_Seixeiro) April 24, 2022

This girl got skills.. 💪 pic.twitter.com/km1vuSuZT0
— Buitengebieden (@buitengebieden_) April 24, 2022

April 25

I hope a weird guy doesn't buy Email
— Brooks Otterlake (@i_zzzzzz) April 25, 2022

This exchange continues to haunt me pic.twitter.com/W06oSqx0MR
— Dave Smith (@redletterdave) April 25, 2022

elon musk spending $44 billion on an app where a shrimp fried this rice goes viral every week
— myesha thee stallion (@myeshachou) April 25, 2022

Idea to replace Twitter: we all get added to the same Google Doc and see what happens
— cass AMM R9!! 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁷󠁬󠁳󠁿 (@cassbeewrites) April 26, 2022

hearing a lot of "goodbye twitter" and not a lot of "we'll unite and become 100 million+ ungovernable jean ralphios and he will regret the day he ever heard of twitter" pic.twitter.com/UUARWnhWZe
— Jen Rice (@jen_rice_) April 26, 2022

ppl like "let's devalue twitter" and bro, imma be honest, idk how much worse i can post
— surasshu (@surasshu) April 26, 2022

BREAKING: World's biggest clown purchases world's largest circus
— Reuters Pitchbot (Satire) (@ReutersPitchbot) April 25, 2022

[youth pastor voice] you know who else called saul?
— St. Dan (@StolenDans) April 26, 2022

Sick of people calling everything in crypto a Ponzi scheme. Some crypto projects are pump and dump schemes, while others are pyramid schemes. Others are just standard issue fraud. Others are just middlemen skimming of the top. Stop glossing over the diversity in the industry.
— Pat Dennis (@patdennis) April 25, 2022

just had an ice cream barista ask me to taste a flavor because a previous customer had complained it "tasted weird" so here is my PSA: if food tastes weird or has no flavor/smell—consider not going out in public for a bit
— Dr. Kaitlin Rasmussen (@toomanyspectra) April 26, 2022

the post coachella "so i have covid" posts are rolling in
— morgan sung (@morgan_sung) April 25, 2022

April 26

Jupiter what the fuck https://t.co/fdWTmSWrme
— Jaime Green (@jaimealyse) April 26, 2022

i kind of get now why pooh bear was always saying "oh dear" all the time—i'm the same way
— lake micah (@afrofatalism) April 26, 2022

I wanna know if men notice when they're in a meeting with only men. Like do they ever stop and register "hmm there are only men here" as a conscious observation
— yuna (@yunatalks) April 26, 2022

Since he said he doesn't give permission to share the DM. pic.twitter.com/gHATTifRQq
— Aubry Andrews 🦝 (@AubryAndrews) April 26, 2022

go off alan pic.twitter.com/1Sy1s4MZLc
— pariah carey (@carlivickery) April 27, 2022

"I haven't started either" are the most comforting words for a student
— Mickey 🔑 (@mmiicckkkeeyyy) April 26, 2022

if biden cancels all student debt i will put up a gold framed picture of him in my living room like he's jfk and i'm catholic or somethin
— that's not my name (@tashakaminsky) April 26, 2022

April 27

Here's the deal: We stop saying history will judge them. We judge them now. With judges.
— Andrea Junker (@Strandjunker) April 27, 2022

calling bullshit on this one. Doctor Who is a fictional character. pic.twitter.com/lme5AKWs2S
— Rob DenBleyker (@RobDenBleyker) April 27, 2022

brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it's sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
— Ordinary (@OrdinaryAlso) April 27, 2022

Asked a white women if she works here at Walgreens, she laughs and said "do I look like I work here?" And I said "yes, that's why I asked you"
— Macho Man Zamy Savage (@Zamy_cooling) April 27, 2022

There's no such thing as a "self-made billionaire" pic.twitter.com/wbWbaGZnjJ
— "I Think You Should Leave" memes (@ITYSL_memes) April 27, 2022

A guy my age was telling me how happy he was that his wife just gave birth to their fourth child then was like "sorry, don't mean to brag" and it's like, oh no worries, your life literally sounds terrible to me
— Robert Schultz (@_RobertSchultz) April 27, 2022

This really killed me today. Clickhole always nails it, truly. pic.twitter.com/IxnlJRSVrj
— Carey O'Donnell (@ecareyo) April 28, 2022

April 28   

there's something so hilarious about watching so many Christians be like, "oh so we are just CANCELLING DEBTS now???!!!"
— daniel hobbs (@hobbsisme) April 28, 2022

Every time you take an ibuprofen you spit in the face of everyone who ever had a headache before it was invented. Shameful
— internethimbo on twitch (@InternetHippo) April 28, 2022

Shout out to the woman last night who asked me what I did and when I told her I wrote graphic novels for children, looked appalled and asked what kind of market there was for writing erotica for kids.
— Stephanie Cooke - OH MY GODS 2 is out now! (@hellocookie) April 28, 2022

New Simpsons doing homer dirty, as per pic.twitter.com/NZBLt0PxtK
— Crisp Whisper (@Chris_E_Winter) April 28, 2022

this story has broken my brain pic.twitter.com/eLx67fmTh5
— Berny Belvedere (@bernybelvedere) April 28, 2022

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: April 29, 2022

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