Accounts on the rise at OnlyFans, when weird morale makes people dance, there was no point in making any plans, Tiger King has its stans and much more from this week in funny tweets.

March 28

Can we get an update on this https://t.co/shoMTr3k24
— zmargotz (@sissypantz) March 28, 2020

need everyone to see this sign at my neighborhood strip club pic.twitter.com/Hnmlxtkov9
— katherine fitzgerald 🌵 (@kfitz134) March 29, 2020

Mr box, I'm trying. pic.twitter.com/cFdWl2FJvx
— St. Vincent (@CynicVII) March 28, 2020

Joe Exotic is Steve Irwin's Wario
— Clara, from 6 feet away (@ramencult) March 28, 2020

Are pregnant women getting $500 for their unborn child? Seeing as it has a heartbeat and all? Or does that not count now
— gracie (@GracieeLo) March 29, 2020

Good lord this video. Like a thoroughbred making a late break in a horse race pic.twitter.com/EHdbTCviiU
— Josh Marshall (@joshtpm) March 29, 2020

My wife just said that if I don't get off my computer and help with the dishes shes gonna slam my head on the keyboard but I think shes jokinhwnnriowenjauhuhyfewbh48943983wbedjhhfws7hg873243nbiu2q378hgfdbuifqbqwuiehguh-asdhnjqweiorijndaklajhb
— Doc (@DocAtCDI) March 29, 2020

Nah I'm weak af LMFAOOOOOOO pic.twitter.com/wjroGN0m5N
— 🇧🇧 (@rahm3sh) March 29, 2020

March 29

Q is too high up in the alphabet. I respect it but it has no place between P and R. Should be at the end with the weirdo/goth letters
— Brooks Otterlake (@i_zzzzzz) March 29, 2020

pic.twitter.com/DDqKHcqCxT
— Amanda Rivkin/a (@amandarivkin) March 29, 2020

Urgent and whatnot. pic.twitter.com/vzsSV2DsrJ
— George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) March 29, 2020

It's emailing me pic.twitter.com/v17IU3dJYq
— h. jon benjamin (@HJBenjamin) March 29, 2020

Oh dude yeah you gotta try baking your own bread in quarantine. It takes 14 hours to do right and it's boring as shit, but the results are often quite disappointing
— wife radicalized by STEM (@gloomfather) March 29, 2020

Just two incredible texts from my landlord pic.twitter.com/JbwoTHvZvw
— Gus (@goldisacks) March 29, 2020

Call the police. pic.twitter.com/RYjUl8layu
— Ξvan Ross Katz (@evanrosskatz) March 30, 2020

lmao pic.twitter.com/YvJz8i3Kta
— Patrick (@lunch_enjoyer) March 29, 2020

In other news... the cat over the road is called Walter pic.twitter.com/loIHA2J4mH
— Sian Cosgrove (@sian_cosgrove) March 29, 2020

all men do is reply with "?"
— delaney (@delkeatt) March 29, 2020

me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later pic.twitter.com/tFdAMTxHBm
— Matt. (@MattTheBrand) March 30, 2020

WHAT https://t.co/1Qq5x38onc
— Donkey Kong (@DonkeyKongApe) March 30, 2020

March 30

Did King Kong really think he was gonna date that lady?
— Akilah Hughes (@AkilahObviously) March 30, 2020

I've been working out a ton pic.twitter.com/YsDt7qTsGC
— Rachel Sennott (@Rachel_Sennott) March 30, 2020

ok yeah Shakespeare wrote King Lear in quarantine but that play is ass. the fuck is "doth." turn on autocorrect, damn
— demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) March 31, 2020

Day 17: morale is weird pic.twitter.com/TW4Xdv0qJH
— Garrett Williams (@badboygargar) March 30, 2020

My 5yo stormed out of my office when i told him i had to do a meeting. He was very mad that i couldn't look at his crafts like i did yesterday. I tried to explain that it was Monday and I had to work, and he yelled "Monday isn't real" on the way out. I'm still just sitting here.
— Ethics Gradient (@grahamvsworld) March 30, 2020

nothing calms the nerves like the eye of sauron https://t.co/kEj5TH7m00
— tc (@chillmage) March 31, 2020

Ma'am. pic.twitter.com/RgzDXFmjs1
— Dylan (@dyllyp) March 30, 2020

OMG pic.twitter.com/8sn1moMzKv
— jamie (@gnuman1979) March 31, 2020

Bitch we are getting JUMPED https://t.co/jepiF5oTjC
— Jenniggafer Hopez (@Asia_Bean) March 31, 2020

Not muting your mic is the new reply all
— Dani Burger (@daniburgz) March 30, 2020

The most relatable part of Tiger King pic.twitter.com/J4Om91O7fa
— Nico Correia (@notn1co) March 30, 2020

bro why u being emotionally intelligent and available around my girl?
— pakistani giver (@ativantaliban) March 30, 2020

March 31

ICE Cold Fact: If somebody owes you money… Put on your mask and pop up at their crib right now… They're Home.
— ICE T (@FINALLEVEL) March 31, 2020

Help I have been texted by 700 cows pic.twitter.com/YACujtEJHY
— Abbie (@AbbieEvansXO) March 31, 2020

You don't rush perfection #dontrushchallenge pic.twitter.com/2xZJrtAgb9
— Ronke Raji (@ronkerajii) March 31, 2020

really helpful info to have right now! pic.twitter.com/FtWqIIrilK
— JEREMY (@jeremylevick) April 1, 2020

Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for...😂🤣😭💀💀 pic.twitter.com/q1Rz8tLoWV
— Rex Chapman🏇🏼 (@RexChapman) March 31, 2020

Only in America could 200,000 dead be less of a catastrophe than 30,000 emails
— Ari Berman (@AriBerman) March 31, 2020

pic.twitter.com/PhOpNchjCN
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) April 1, 2020

I knew I was gay when I skipped recess to help my teacher laminate things and gossip.
— jon manganello (@jonnymangs) March 31, 2020

I'm high so I'll say this: I wish I could hold my friends as babies
— patient nero (@narkgregsputnik) April 1, 2020

i hate this pandemic if i wanted to waste my early 20s i would have gotten married
— kat (@ratmobbs) March 31, 2020

Why the fuck did I buy a 2020 planner
— Pete Blackburn (@PeteBlackburn) March 31, 2020

I don't even know what to do with this information but I feel it must be shared pic.twitter.com/rRaXVN3Zsc
— Theo Lorenz (@TheoNicole) March 31, 2020

April 1

the day has finally come~ pic.twitter.com/lrLd1VcLJe
— Claire Shaffer (@claireeshaffer) April 1, 2020

We all dress like Adam Sandler now.
— Jason Zinoman (@zinoman) April 1, 2020

imagine getting away wit a murder 20 yrs ago then some asshole drops a doc on netflix bringin it back up
— father (@father) April 1, 2020

They've just cancelled Wimbledon for the first time since World War 2 and some of you still believe you're attending festivals this summer, okie dokie.
— Plantain Papi (@TheJ2ocean) April 1, 2020

My wife loves my singing. Hope this cheers everyone up ♥️ pic.twitter.com/VQdJOEj9de
— Chris Locke Freaking Out (@chrislockeworld) April 2, 2020

finally, an expert has weighed in https://t.co/PHoVEv2ITb
— philip lewis (@Phil_Lewis_) April 1, 2020

Damn no one's even mentioned this entire month is 420. We've strayed so far from the Light.
— No one you follow (@Salle2Shooz) April 1, 2020

cleveland news has officially lost their minds... pic.twitter.com/PgPw3OAC1C
— abs (@abbyhoward26) April 2, 2020

wwyd if i put my cursor over ur cursor in the google doc
— logan (@brainwxrms) April 1, 2020

amazing pic.twitter.com/sY2ExFWQdY
— brian m. watson (@brimwats) April 2, 2020

April 2

the simulation is moving too fast https://t.co/AyPhMauA75
— ceeks (@70Ceeks) April 2, 2020

The government know y'all gone be wylin if they said 4 months so they gone tell y'all 30 days at a time lmao
— R.I.P. SCOTT (@PUGGS_) April 2, 2020

My downstairs neighbor lives alone so he is borrowing our dog whenever he needs to. She's down there right now. They're eating dinner together.
— ErinEph (@ErinEph) April 3, 2020

Spoke to my beautiful friend last night - a lung doctor in the nhs. She said, while its a lovely gesture, instead of just clapping please could you just never ever vote conservative again.
— Hollie McNish (@holliepoetry) April 2, 2020

I literally do not understand cooking or chefs like do they just wake up in the morning like "omg I have an idea for a soup"
— Rachel Wenitsky (@RachelWenitsky) April 2, 2020

I caved and made a TikTok of my dog 😂😂😂😂😂 pic.twitter.com/eCQxMEmelp
— Matt Sanoian (@SanoianDesigns) April 2, 2020

Today I made a Zoom background of myself accidentally walking in on myself in a Zoom meeting. pic.twitter.com/Rl2AsjfZ7V
— Dan Crowd (@itsdancrowd) April 3, 2020

Everybody starting an OnlyFans rn https://t.co/4saonKHcjL
— 𝕊𝕠𝕔𝕚𝕒𝕝 𝔻𝕚𝕔𝕜𝕤𝕥𝕒𝕟𝕔𝕚𝕟𝕘 🖤 (@LalalaLindseyJ) April 3, 2020

April 3

BIGGEST TWIST ENDINGS

3) fight club
2) the sixth sense
1) the song "row row row your boat"
— Ben Rosen (@ben_rosen) April 3, 2020

My boyfriend just said "HEYYYY" and I yelled "MUST BE THE MONAYYYY" because I did not realize that he had just started a Zoom conference call.
— Jenny Jaffe (@jennyjaffe) April 3, 2020

It should not need to be said, but tests for new and novel illnesses cannot be developed *before* that illness is created. https://t.co/ryeTxR9gqC
— Daniel Goldman (@danielsgoldman) April 3, 2020

Bill Withers, walking out on a New Yorker interview: "This conversation sucks. I'm going to take a shower." pic.twitter.com/LXh4CEHgFo
— Ross Scarano (@RossScarano) April 3, 2020

​This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: April 3, 2020

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This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: April 3, 2020