Our Food Speaks For Itself, cat on a shelf, unmasking for mental health, Elon spends his wealth, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

April 1

today. i wasn't a very good dog

april fools. i was so good
— Thoughts of Dog® (@dog_feelings) April 1, 2022

i can't do this april fools shit any more pic.twitter.com/gj4aGPxlsS
— guad ��☄️ (@weloveguad) April 1, 2022

Bruh I met this girl literally 5min ago and it's giving crazy already �� pic.twitter.com/g7XbOhSpYJ
— Das (@1hunnitdash1) April 1, 2022

pic.twitter.com/KV9KoO8LXF
— John Elliott (@MineralDisk) April 1, 2022

This is really good. pic.twitter.com/xImAcpAJDd
— Dr. Katy Pearce (@katypearce) April 2, 2022

Desperately need to know the story of the four people seeing Morbius tonight at 10:30 and elected to sit like this. pic.twitter.com/muJOvDnLvy
— Ⓜ️ichael Darling (@FutureHasbeen) April 1, 2022

April 2

This had me on the floor. pic.twitter.com/ppUftBVYiV
— Malume (@bozzie_t) April 3, 2022

Literally one minute apart. pic.twitter.com/HW3HsOh6Eg
— Noah Finneburgh (@NoahFinneburgh) April 2, 2022

God I love boomer memes and their general unhappiness with any amount of change no matter how incredibly benign it is pic.twitter.com/oj3N985Gxu
— phoenecian thanker (@christweetsllc) April 2, 2022

sofia coppola's dad's bram stoker's dracula
— anna livia (@not_a_heather) April 2, 2022

BREAKING: woman continues to live, despite existence of father pic.twitter.com/keia8TWqKK
— the hype (@TheHyyyype) April 2, 2022

I just learned that if a hermit crab finds a new shell that is too big it will wait for other hermit crabs who need new shells to gather and then they will organize themselves by size and trade shells and I am pissed that the crabs have a better housing market than we do
— sloane (sîpihkopiyesîs) (@cottoncandaddy) April 3, 2022

Cost of a root canal in Barcelona: $450
Cost of a root canal in Sacramento: $2200
Round trip ticket to Barcelona: $800
Hotel and food for 3 days in Barcelona: $600
I could fly to Barcelona, get a root canal, and have money left when I got back. American health care is a scam.
— Ngaio Bealum (@ngaio420) April 2, 2022

My daughter works at a bookstore. She was helping an older woman choose books today. As they passed my book, the woman leaned in & said: "Oh my daughter loves Heather O'Neill, but I do not. I'm whispering because this is her neighborhood and someone in the store might know her."
— Heather O'Neill (@lethal_heroine) April 2, 2022

Become ungovernable pic.twitter.com/lTRUFXFRFs
— It's Memes™ (@Memesdotjpg) April 3, 2022

April 3

pic.twitter.com/HPY8eki1A6
— pictures of the end (@neighbours_wifi) April 3, 2022

my mom finally figured out what the grammys are pic.twitter.com/xMKnrrnXmy
— Hurt CoPain (@SaeedDiCaprio) April 4, 2022

pic.twitter.com/E4I1eBV65d
— Adam Downey (@TicklePolyester) April 4, 2022

now we're talkin' pic.twitter.com/GcUHcrYIen
— staid (@staidindoors) April 4, 2022

caterpillar: *walks*

snake: okay what

caterpillar: *grows wings*

snake: OKAY WHAT
— Adam Cerious (@Browtweaten) April 3, 2022

Are people serious about astrology or is it like pro wrestling where you tell someone it's fake and they're like, "Yeah dude no shit"
— Nieltown (@nieltown) April 3, 2022

guy: I … just … don't know what type of guy I am

therapist: that's okay! that's what the wheel is for pic.twitter.com/fzGkyyIcgY
— monstera adansonii (@yournerdyfriend) April 3, 2022

if Thanos' snap killed 50% of all life, that means that the survivors would have lost 50% of their gut biomes in an instant and spent the next few months power-blasting their bathrooms with diarrhea, in this essay I will-
— Janel Comeau (@VeryBadLlama) April 3, 2022

Absolutely insane choice for a name pic.twitter.com/ugmtkIXk0N
— Dan E (@Brohamulet) April 3, 2022

pic.twitter.com/lGR57N6aJh
— Comrade Sisko ��✊��☭ (@Pinko69420) April 3, 2022

security at the airport getting more straightforward pic.twitter.com/1TBAqPaxQC
— Rajat Suresh (@rajat_suresh) April 3, 2022

pic.twitter.com/xTePYw6v5a
— Chaotic Nightclub Photos (@ClubPhotos_) April 3, 2022

A photographer was lying on his back to shoot a picture of the ceiling of a sacred Chapel when he was approached by curious pigeons.�� href="https://t.co/iVopB89zkD">pic.twitter.com/iVopB89zkD
— ᑭᕼᗩYᒪEᑎ (@phaylen) April 3, 2022

April 4

Pardon my language but, look at this fucking bird. pic.twitter.com/X0SU8LWL43
— Hazie Long Covid/ME (@haziethompson) April 4, 2022

In the arts, we don't read emails. We simply scan for the word, "Unfortunately"
— Tom Moran (@TMoran93) April 4, 2022

Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
— Sarah H (@GooseCG) April 4, 2022

this is the single greatest moment in cinematic history �� pic.twitter.com/JdzYh9rLwJ
— Mitchell Beaupr (@itismitchell) April 4, 2022

My doctor rules. pic.twitter.com/gTZIMnCTRK
— Dan White (@atdanwhite) April 4, 2022

How's unmasking for mental health going?
— Dr Shoshanah Jacobs (@shoshanahjacobs) April 5, 2022

Imagine writing a joke this horrible, getting saved by everyone saying "we will not let you tell this awful awful joke," then being like "fine! I'll leak it myself!" Just God-level self sabotage https://t.co/WINo0uyY6n
— Harry Wood (@harrymwood) April 4, 2022

it's always "you up?" and never "you are the bane of my existence and the object of all my desires"
— marianna (@itsmariannnna) April 4, 2022

Labor shortage hitting every sector pic.twitter.com/P3mR41WqiA
— ✨��Wall Hiker� (@karatekidj4) April 5, 2022

sending support to my friends who love math rock, I know 4/4 is a hard day for you
— ham (@ohiohag) April 4, 2022

Today, when introducing WWI, a student raised her hand and brought up the death of a certain archduke. Nobody knew his name, so as a hint, I offered that he shares his name with a band.

Gentle reader, my students asked if there had perhaps been an Archduke Metallica.
— Christina E. Cox (@ChristinaECox) April 5, 2022

April 5

My niece, Melody, came home talking bout "you will see" when her mom asked how picture day went.

Melody on picture day: pic.twitter.com/TVMYT6wrqX
— Dora Mila J (@MahaliaSBM) April 5, 2022

Pretty sure Elon just spent $3B in order to ban the account of that kid who tracks his flights.
— Bizarre Lazar (@BizarreLazar) April 5, 2022

"Why do I feel like shit all the time?" I ask myself while staring into the flashlight that tells me bad news.
— Olivia (@olliegrace) April 5, 2022

I made another inspirational video to help anyone going through rough times pic.twitter.com/0WeNUoHwsU
— Matt O'Brien (@matt_obrien) April 5, 2022

the vibe at every job right now is what makes people start fight clubs
— aubrey (@aubreybell) April 6, 2022

A story of two parts. Recruiter edition �� href="https://t.co/Xzi5JHz8sQ">pic.twitter.com/Xzi5JHz8sQ
— Tommy (@_TommyMason) April 5, 2022

These Darwin notebooks are wild! pic.twitter.com/687iEa3Jus
— Michael A. Balazo (@mbalazo) April 5, 2022

We did this. https://t.co/vhHKQHmIMg
— The Good Liars (@TheGoodLiars) April 5, 2022

(about to invent gargoyles) babe the cathedral looks great. how can we get a little fucking freak on the roof.
— �� (@sophiepenrose) April 5, 2022

April 6

pic.twitter.com/yeLJZbXImB
— Pervis (@PervisTime) April 7, 2022

I can't stop laughing at this I haven't stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes pic.twitter.com/Ps8fK4ntpT
— Apex Redditor (@ebenbenson) April 7, 2022

How come there are Pop-tarts but no Mom- tarts?

Because of the pastryarchy
— Dr. Amy, Psy.D. (@DrAmyPsyD) April 7, 2022

The Lunch That I Brought is No Longer the Lunch That I Want: A Memoir
— Rachel Holliday Smith (@rachelholliday) April 6, 2022

i've found that one of the best ways to deal with loss and grieving is humor, and so yesterday when meeting with the funeral director for my fathers services, i get this text message not knowing my sister had his phone pic.twitter.com/Eu0ZhUlyrg
— chris (@chrisfolse) April 6, 2022

At dentists office. Put on a mask because the woman next to me has a Dunder Mifflin shirt on. #Awkward #Incognito #RootCanal pic.twitter.com/OtOsfedF6d
— RainnWilson (@rainnwilson) April 7, 2022

pic.twitter.com/kHiBiCjCBZ
— Dude Illigence (@Dood_Illigence) April 7, 2022

really, dude? you're seriously being tempted by the fruit of another right now?
— melidsa (@gmailgaze) April 6, 2022

You saw nothing. I am ham. pic.twitter.com/3MKXlvIs1n
— Julicorn (@ChicksRule) April 6, 2022

why is this street so chaotic??? pic.twitter.com/LxnL1JlJfc
— Adam (@adamgreattweet) April 6, 2022

Saying masks don't work because you know someone who got COVID wearing a mask is like saying sunscreen doesn't work because you know someone who applied sunscreen but still got a sunburn 1/
— Amanda Hu (@amandalhu) April 6, 2022

April 7

So you're saying once taxpayers paid for your job and your school your life improved? https://t.co/aF6qzg5BG4
— Jay Kirell (@JasonKirell) April 7, 2022

Love when my bank teller is an absolute moron. Love when all my funds are being taken care of by a guy named Luke using one finger to type.
— Jordan Foisy (@JordanFoisy) April 7, 2022

You've had two years to learn how to mute your mic. Two years.
— Ozzy (@ozzyunc) April 7, 2022

this is what they're doing in school now? obviously i'm jealous pic.twitter.com/kE141Y7gPA
— le helen (@violentlyepic) April 7, 2022

therapy is not enough. i need to fight my dad
— megan (@chismosavirus) April 7, 2022

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: April 8, 2022

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