Dave, Ivana's golf course grave, not being the tooth man's slave, the number Olivia Newton-John never gave, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

August 5

That was fast.. 😂 pic.twitter.com/mxq1MWwbbk
— Buitengebieden (@buitengebieden) August 5, 2022

This guy made a tiktok saying his niece called an aquarium a "water zoo," and the comments lmk kids are not from earth pic.twitter.com/01I2MKrTFz
— Macavelli (@innergnmotion) August 5, 2022

The pronoun comments are less shocking now. pic.twitter.com/rXxAMQrMeB
— ChudsOfTikTok (@ChudsOfTikTok) August 6, 2022

Doocy: Why is the President bragging today about gas prices?
KJP: Because it's gone down pic.twitter.com/v5fDGHYPpL
— Acyn (@Acyn) August 5, 2022

Here's what you're gonna do. You're not gonna unfollow the shoes and feet account. You're going to log on tomorrow at the same time you normally do, no earlier, no later. You're going to find the funniest meme that's been shared about all this. You're going to share that meme. pic.twitter.com/21NitYRklS
— Ron DeSantis Is A Nazi (@joemacare) August 5, 2022

"was it painful?"
"yeah"
"like.. compared to childbirth how painful was it"
"worse.... it hurt like being a man forced to nap in a chair"
"oh my god" pic.twitter.com/Qwm3DV9tID
— Erin Ryan (@morninggloria) August 5, 2022

DENTIST: You know unhealthy teeth can lead to heart disease.

ME: Stay in your lane tooth man.
— cory snearowski (@corysnearowski) August 5, 2022

hbomax execs having a seizure right now trying to figure out if the rehearsal is scripted or not
— patrick cotnoir (@patrickcotnoir) August 5, 2022

government: hey is it cool if we spend $115,000 to house this poor person for a year

voters: wtf?? absolutely not

government: but what if I told you they had a small amount of marijuana and need to be punished

voters: in that case absolutely, spend as much as you like
— Janel Comeau (@VeryBadLlama) August 6, 2022

 
August 6

"Nobody wants to work anymore" is capitalism for "it's getting harder to exploit the poors."
— Jamie (@euthyphro) August 6, 2022

White parents love charging their kids rent for living at home
— Ali (@haramcart) August 6, 2022

Leave no one behind.. 😊 pic.twitter.com/mQkKJ45vNl
— Buitengebieden (@buitengebieden) August 6, 2022

It's probably nothing https://t.co/urFWldG5Mw
— Walking Eagle News (@TheEagleist) August 6, 2022

I'll never regret my purchase of a tiny projector and two hammocks pic.twitter.com/kaWj5GQ3KB
— Matt O'Brien (@matt_obrien) August 7, 2022

(Thread) Here is a list of extremely easy ways to improve your day that everyone should know about:
— Roxi Horror 💀🌸 (@roxiqt) August 6, 2022

Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)

I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
— rebekah entralgo fernández (@rebekahentralgo) August 6, 2022

 
August 7

The New Yorker really released a whole article about how much we need bookstores and linked every book mentioned in it to Amazon. 😕
— Candice Huber (@nolafleurdelit) August 7, 2022

Now THIS would make a compelling podcast. pic.twitter.com/rF7N3Fmcnk
— Tim Schenck (@FatherTim) August 8, 2022

ok, here's what you are going to do. you had a real bad take so you are going to lock your account. you'll delete your post only after you lock, and you will stay locked for 3 days. no more, no less. you will never mention this again. not to me, not to your friends, no one pic.twitter.com/oI2keSxSUE
— transgender marx (@JUNlPER) August 7, 2022

last night someone's younger girlfriend said "what's Cornholio" and three 38-year-old men with chronic back pain instinctively, simultaneously reached for the back collars of our shirts
— Mark Asch (@MarkAschParody) August 7, 2022

August 8

pic.twitter.com/LZ3pR8kBU7
— Cloudy ☁️ (@_1Cloudy_1) August 8, 2022

So glad we have the absolute freedom of not having to wear a mask anywhere ever and all we had to give up was reliable access to airplanes, public transit, labour, and emergency departments.
— Dave Mac Farlane (@driusan) August 8, 2022

I never asked my weather app to go this hard pic.twitter.com/TfP4OqIguu
— Collin Sullivan (@_5u11y) August 8, 2022

🔥🔥🔥everything is fine 🔥🔥🔥 pic.twitter.com/FGTXv9UBts
— Michael Perlberg (@MikePerlberg) August 8, 2022

Pete Davison joining Kim K's ex boyfriend graveyard pic.twitter.com/DifhLdN5Aa
— Drilly Ocean (@OceanLoot) August 9, 2022

? pic.twitter.com/xbCKIQ4iT6
— bec hac (@doomkulthum) August 9, 2022

thinking about the time nathan fielder toured with mac demarco and just kinda played with his phone on stage for the whole show pic.twitter.com/EhWWpWUvZw
— duen (buny mode) (@datLucario) August 8, 2022

Two Kennedys were shot dead https://t.co/7LtAUZP7OC
— Danielle Blake 🇺🇦 (@abradacabla) August 9, 2022

"My father never got so much as a speeding ticket in his life," says Eric Trump, whose father paid $25 million to people he defrauded through Trump University.
— Robert J. DeNault (@robertjdenault) August 9, 2022

Do you know how fucking guilty you have to be for a federal judge that you appointed to sign off on a search warrant issued by an FBI director that you also appointed and executed by a DOJ attorney that you also appointed?
— Andrew Wortman 🏳️‍🌈🇺🇸 (@AmoneyResists) August 9, 2022

If the X-Files has taught me anything, the FBI raided Donald Trump's house because he was keeping a werewolf in there, or some kind of haunted computer
— pixelatedboat aka "mr tweets" (@pixelatedboat) August 9, 2022

(Barron not even looking up from his Xbox)
"Safe's in the back."
— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) August 8, 2022

You think this is funny? You think it's funny that two FBI agents entered Trump's suite and asked to use the bathroom, and then for two hours they took turns going in and out of it?

You think it's funny that Trump heard a lot of yelling, and when he went in there,
— Jake 🌊 🐢 (@waveturtlejake) August 9, 2022

We were eating dinner and it was really quiet because we were enjoying our food. My 5-year-old out of nowhere, "so I didn't get that promotion." Her comedic timing was perfect. I can't stop laughing. I'm so proud.
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) August 9, 2022

cats have the right idea: wake up and scream your little face off until the world gives you what you need
— the moon's wife (@bookishseawitch) August 8, 2022

 
August 9

Dave pic.twitter.com/jCK7ocNI0q
— Pete Wharmby (@commaficionado) August 9, 2022

THE ELVIS "HE'S WHITE??" CLIP FINALLY DROPPED pic.twitter.com/lwMABts7ox
— fahrenheit periodt (@duddersj) August 9, 2022

I met Olivia once. I was 16, working in a CD store.

Had no idea who she was. I tried to sign her up for our Loyalty Card.

I said "first name" and she said "Olivia," and then I said "last name" and she said "Newton John," and then I said "phone number" and my boss said "MAX"
— Max Quinn (@Maxquinn) August 9, 2022

No one, except Dolly Parton, is above the law.
— Gabe Ortíz (@TUSK81) August 9, 2022

FBI raids home of Epstein-linked Clinton donor pic.twitter.com/ahUVgj71IS
— zeddy (@Zeddary) August 9, 2022

and then what scott

are you going to draw Dilbert at the Capitol https://t.co/HZ3kYNrBQv
— posting aalewis style (@postingwhilegay) August 9, 2022

The strangest thing about this epoch of American history will always be that tens of millions of grown ups decided to form a cult like devotion to, of all available people, Donald Trump.
— Ben Rhodes (@brhodes) August 10, 2022

This is literally the funniest thing I have seen in 2 years pic.twitter.com/yaJXfsFyTg
— d (@danielslaterr) August 9, 2022

Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, "I'll help you find them. We'll look later"
— Julie (The Texan Minnesotan) (@juliepafoofnic) August 9, 2022

Doug Ford to improve efficiency in killing Ontario residents with privatized healthcare system
— CBC Pitchbot (Satire) (@CBCPitchbot) August 9, 2022

I think about this tweet often pic.twitter.com/SfMn17ssvL
— B.W. Carlin (@BaileyCarlin) August 9, 2022

 
August 10

Going on a reverse mission trip.. headed to Utah to teach people the joys of sinning
— Lucas (@illiterate_ish) August 10, 2022

I laughed so hard, it scared everyone. Including me. pic.twitter.com/OPf4LEegrD
— Shaindel Beers 🍻 (@shaindelr) August 10, 2022

founder of costco: [drunk as hell] it's gonna have hot dogs and optometrists
— soul nate (@MNateShyamalan) August 11, 2022

CLARK KENT: Only kryptonite can kill me

PERRY: What do you mean? Can't regular things kill you?

CLARK: Oh shit. Which guy am I right now!?
— Chris Locke (@chrislockeworld) August 10, 2022

what the actual hell pic.twitter.com/fSlPhEvtx7
— mev 🧸🌹🏀 (@mevvybear) August 10, 2022

when you get sent tiktoks to watch it's like friend homework
— Kristin Merrilees (@kristnmerrilees) August 10, 2022

Me: Here's half my income.

Daycare: Cool. Here's a new virus every other week.
— David Doel (@daviddoel) August 10, 2022

We need to shut down LinkedIn. https://t.co/0iOThHs8zo
— Scott 🇵🇸 (@fyrescotch) August 10, 2022

A year ago today, Fox News ran what is probably the funniest chyron of all time pic.twitter.com/YZLoxs0GN5
— Just Jack (@luxurytrash_) August 10, 2022

I protect you from the government, not from Twitter. pic.twitter.com/nworX3uQkw
— The First Amendment (@USConst_Amend_I) August 11, 2022

Donald Trump signed a law that might've turned himself into a felon. Brilliant. pic.twitter.com/NgsbHSHSpK
— Jason Selvig (@jasonselvig) August 10, 2022

Dear @FBI, I know u don't need advice from a soap star, but having been in 10 or 10k implausible storylines in my 37 yrs, may I recommend digging up Ivana. Cleary it didn't take 10 pall bearers to carry a liposuctioned 73 yr old who methinks was in her weight in classified docs.
— Nancy Lee Grahn (@NancyLeeGrahn) August 11, 2022

"They shouldn't have shown up at mar-a-lago and broken in without permission."
- Capitol Rioters
— Davram (@davramdavram) August 10, 2022

 
August 11

Shorter Merrick Garland:

"Welcome to fuck around and find outsville. I'll be your tour guide."
— Angry Staffer 🌻 (@Angry_Staffer) August 11, 2022

GOP: Unseal the warrant!!

DOJ: k

GOP: wait no
— Max Steele (@maxasteele) August 11, 2022

One thing Donald Trump knows is real estate. So I wonder what he thinks of Merrick Garland moving in rent free inside his head.
— Dan Rather (@DanRather) August 11, 2022

Lol Garland just rolled in 35 minutes late, said "Yea, I did this myself, and you can see the warrant if you want" and then dropped the mic, took no questions and left. The swagger
— Laura Bassett (@LEBassett) August 11, 2022

Right now the CDC sounds like when we would REALLY get on our mom's nerves and she'd be like "You know what? Do whatever you want then." And like, for a second you think you won. But you really did not.
— Ashley Nicole Black (@ashleyn1cole) August 11, 2022

three of the worst flavors imo pic.twitter.com/B3KTYwSAQf
— Ben Rosen (@ben_rosen) August 11, 2022

Doug Ford swears he has no idea why his top donors currently taking night classes in Hospital Management
— The Beaverton (@TheBeaverton) August 11, 2022

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: August 12, 2022

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