August 11
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you're happy now
— Matt (@mas6228) August 12, 2018
August 12
first they came for gavin mcinnes and i said he's right over there
— blaine capatch (@blainecapatch) August 12, 2018
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
— Omar Najam➡️🇵🇷⬅️ (@OmarNajam) August 12, 2018
Teacher: why don't you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class...
met a bunch of guys from Harvard yesterday and I kept pretending like I never heard of that school just to piss them off...one of them legit turned red when I said, "Harvard? Is that like a local community college?" LMAOOOOOO
— v-ne$$a (@V_sugarbaby) August 12, 2018
August 13
what is "the goat" https://t.co/H2GtTjljnH
— Brian Eno (@BrianEnoMusic) August 13, 2018
FOR REAL THOUGH IF MILLENNIALS HAD THE POWER TO KILL ENTIRE INDUSTRIES DO YOU REALLY THINK WE'D BE LIKE "LOL MAYONNAISE IS DONE BUT THE STUDENT LOAN INDUSTRY CAN STAY"
— NOT A WOLF (@SICKOFWOLVES) August 13, 2018
Lovely photo of my aunt and her partner of 12 years :) pic.twitter.com/7A5HJJsa60
— Mr. To Damn Good (@FamousCeleb) August 13, 2018
I am always surprised and personally insulted when record stores don't have chairs.
— Sarah B. MacDonald (@smackdonna) August 13, 2018
As if half of the patrons aren't dragged there by someone else who, "just wants to take a quick look!"
Dang who radicalized McDonald's pic.twitter.com/yXEAJEDjEl
— Mina (@maddc8) August 14, 2018
August 14
This guy just unmatched me because he named some monty python cast member and I didn't know who it was. So Michael Palin if you're out there, please suck this boys dick because nobody else will
— Scorp:igbo 🌒 (@VanessaIfeoma) August 14, 2018
Give a man a fish & he eats for a day, but teach a man to fish & he'll be like "um actually i know how to fish, i'll show you" & you wish you had your old fish so you could throw it at him
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) August 14, 2018
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) August 14, 2018
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it's incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Our first meeting of Lego Club is not going well. pic.twitter.com/u9G01yqdwh
— A Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) August 14, 2018
August 15
me: was it ultimate frisbee?
— patch adams 3 spec script (@nordicshrew) August 16, 2018
chris isaak: no
me: paintball?
chris isaak: no
me: ... strip poker?
chris isaak: the song was about, like.. . tumultuous relationship stuff, my dude
me [disappointed]: oh.
friend: you heard about those Qanon conspiracies?
— ᵇᵃᵗʰᵗᵘᵇ (@egg_dog) August 16, 2018
me: it's pronounced 'keen-wah'
Don Jr = Jr Mint
— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) August 15, 2018
Don Sr = Impeach Mint
Eric = Disappoint Mint
Melania = Non-Disclosure Agree Mint
Ivanka = Orna Mint
Jared = Indict Mint
The Trump legacy = Embarrass Mint
jesus Sabina go easy. and yes pic.twitter.com/K95DCy82no
— Tanya Chen (@Tanya_Chen) August 15, 2018
"When I'm done, half of Toronto will still exist. Perfectly balanced, as all things should be. I hope they remember you." pic.twitter.com/9POr2nwlPK
— Justin Kong (@JustinKongTO) August 15, 2018
[during sex]
— 𝐋𝐚𝐢𝐧𝐲 (@strawburberry) August 15, 2018
me: i want u to hurt me
him: you don't have the things you want because you do nothing to work towards your goals
me: wait
him: your complete lack of motivation will leave you with a mediocre life filled with regret at best
me: stop
August 16
If the Nazis weren't socialists then how come Hitler owned all those Stereolab albums? Checkmate, leftists
— beloved comedy institution "the pixelated boat" (@pixelatedboat) August 16, 2018
{I walk into a saloon and the piano player abruptly stops}
— MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) August 16, 2018
ME: Oh shit, I'm the bad guy?
Someone came into to the library where I work and asked me if we had a book about Pavlov's dog and Schrödinger's cat.
— Jane, Local. #LetsNotLeave (@localnotail) August 16, 2018
I said it rang a bell but I wasn't sure if it was there or not.#NationalTellAJokeDay
August 17
STUDIO EXEC: Get me a band that starts with "Smash" for the Shrek credits, pronto
— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) August 17, 2018
JUNIOR EXEC: Okay, sure, but can I ask wh—
STUDIO EXEC: A BAND THAT STARTS WITH "SMASH" pic.twitter.com/nPGBBcE7IR