Mac n' Cheese Lemonade, always the bridesmaid, why pyramid builders weren't paid, Dr. Oz gets crudité'd, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

August 12

Time for the weekend again pic.twitter.com/AYYKAaIH2m
— Dr Meming (@Dr_Meming) August 12, 2022

When you see your boss at the bar at 2pm on a Friday after you both said you were working from home pic.twitter.com/tXDBpRLiJX
— Simple Jack Capital👨‍🦯📉 (@SimpleJackCap) August 12, 2022

Damn IT. https://t.co/Oa8gAkCVHM
— Lea Thompson (@LeaKThompson) August 12, 2022

coronavirus at podium, smiling through tears: i truly never thought i'd make it so far. i'd like to thank the cdc, the united states, white supremacy, christianity, capitalism
— potato sponsor tommy (@tommyinboots) August 13, 2022

godspeed on your mission ms. frizzle https://t.co/8ZdOEmBo94
— Brigitte Bardon't (@KristelJax) August 12, 2022

Ontario family in shock after son dies protesting healthcare privatisation pic.twitter.com/zZQ2XqzOKZ
— Raccoon at home (@Seebo429) August 12, 2022

You know what I love every time? MOVIE GROCERIES. Gimme those unlabeled brown paper bags. That bit of green sticking out. That visible baguette. If they could have gotten precisely three tomatoes peeking out you know they'd be there. MOVIE GROCERIES. pic.twitter.com/BowxVU5ICZ
— Daniel Kibblesmith (@kibblesmith) August 13, 2022

Love this sign. pic.twitter.com/lOVmRLVNE6
— Daniel Summers, MD (@WFKARS) August 12, 2022

Sneaky Rascal! pic.twitter.com/aTQ52PX0Ia
— 🥀_Imposter_🕸️ (@Imposter_Edits) August 13, 2022

Lauren Boebert deleting her texts from January 6th. pic.twitter.com/QAz6KS6U1i
— CHOOSY (@CH005Y) August 12, 2022

last time i ate shrooms i chewed on a rock for 2 hours because i thought it was a chicken nugget and to this day it was the most delicious thing i have ever eaten
— jame (@kloogans) August 12, 2022

nathan fielder defending a 6 year olds "dr fart - eat my poop" skit by saying "he was riffing it" is the best part of the rehearsal
— adam ✧ (@0riginalitie) August 13, 2022

August 13

I'm not saying this clock the wife got from Kmart is shit, but the alarm didn't go off this morning and the time is now 9:77 pic.twitter.com/fORGAUyhGw
— Liam Sheedy (@Sheeds1984) August 14, 2022

babe it's too bright in here can you jerk the light off? pic.twitter.com/3tVml54QyD
— kai™ (@kaicomedy) August 13, 2022

Marriage Story (2019) but with a Velociraptor pic.twitter.com/4eYdWCByPA
— But With Raptors (@ButWithRaptors) August 13, 2022

Pronouncing "shoegaze" like Fugazi to make dudes mad
— gnarly rae jepsen (@lizmaebrooks) August 13, 2022

my gf puts this on me when she leaves so i cant eat an ice cream cone pic.twitter.com/uopfctJECF
— carter hambley (@carterhambley) August 14, 2022

you want your city to be walkable and bikeable? what's next? suckable? fuckable?
— seven (sweetheart) (@KnuckleheadBets) August 14, 2022

Pretty rude to invite me to a party at your funky little shack and then require that I bring juke box money.
— A!ex Steed (@alexsteed) August 14, 2022

Can't stop thinking about this tweet pic.twitter.com/G6GfLUQXFZ
— Bryan Harnsberger, Psy.D (@PSYCH_HYPE) August 14, 2022

Most of us will never live a life half as fulfilling as this. pic.twitter.com/aKkmH3JjxD
— Eric, Steves that go hard (@AssBoss80085) August 13, 2022

pic.twitter.com/3foZzqQVoj
— letterboxd reviews with threatening auras (@letterboxdauras) August 13, 2022

This is the video you didn't know you needed to see today!

tt/hubertthebird pic.twitter.com/tVkJb6fWzv
— Jess 🌻 (@its_jessi_grace) August 13, 2022

pic.twitter.com/By9px9KjQd
— Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) August 14, 2022

August 14

Wife cracks open her eye ever so slightly at 6am

Me: what we thinkin for dinner?! We have those pork chops in the freezer or I could make soup. I'd never turn down pizza either haha
— Pual Chikmo (@PualChikmo) August 14, 2022

gf keeps calling me "goth" so we're about to have a nice long sit-down about what "post-hardcore" means
— jay (@listenupnerds) August 14, 2022

My toddler's daycare apparently uses the "clean up" song. My husband and I discovered this yesterday when we started singing it and it activated our kid like she was a sleeper agent and she immediately started putting her toys away.
— Marie CCS (@Marie_ClySar) August 14, 2022

Another current media trend I'd have never predicted: Lots of people watching with the captions on because sound mixing is so shitty that you can't tell what people are saying, and instead of studios adjusting the audio, audiences gave up and started reading their shows instead.
— Jason Pargin, author of John Dies at the End, etc (@JohnDiesattheEn) August 14, 2022

HBO historical dramas be like:

𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝒾𝓃𝒹𝓊𝓈𝓉𝓇𝒾𝒶𝓁
𝓇𝑒𝓋𝑜𝓁𝓊𝓉𝒾𝑜𝓃
( . ) ( . )
— soul nate (@MNateShyamalan) August 14, 2022

Every day I clean my house and every day it appears nobody has ever cleaned my house for a matter of months and I just want to know what's going on.
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) August 14, 2022

A hierarchy of alienness: Pictures of animals from least to most related to you.

Least-related animal: Sponges. You and sponges are both animals. That's basically all you've got in common. pic.twitter.com/DRaRJTYGaL
— 𝕻𝖆𝖗𝖆𝖘𝖔𝖈𝖎𝖆𝖑𝖎𝖙𝖞 (@parasociality) August 14, 2022

Liz Cheney's Trump-backed primary opponent is actually all five Kids in the Hall members playing the same character pic.twitter.com/xgFJkz5cz4
— Frank Lesser (@sadmonsters) August 14, 2022

Just occurred to me Elaine Benes dated both Walter White and Saul Goodman. pic.twitter.com/3GkFThliUc
— Justin McGuire (@JMcGuireMLB) August 15, 2022

Fun fact: did you know that after every hour of work at amazon the computer taunts you with a 30 second break where you say mantras that help you come to peace with your own exploitation? pic.twitter.com/G8qIfuxju8
— Connor Spence (@ConnorSpence_) August 14, 2022

Every day in America since 2016: pic.twitter.com/iuk1BnlCyi
— Chase Anderson, MD, MS (K.C. Ardem) 🦸🏽‍♂️🏳️‍🌈 (@ChaseTMAnderson) August 15, 2022

August 15

18-27: young
28: old
29: young
30: old
31-34: young
35: old
36-38: young
39-40: old
41-44: young
45+: old
— Sherman McCoy (@wasphyxiation) August 16, 2022

a 10/10 album is when a guy who cant sing good is sad
— rare haunts 🎭 (@dynastic) August 16, 2022

I have no words. pic.twitter.com/WiS73zYK0d
— TG (@TG22110) August 16, 2022

bought a second hand kindle from the pawn shop and would love to get in touch with the previous owner to discuss their interests 👍 pic.twitter.com/6xARAHuzYC
— ringworm (@prawn_meat) August 16, 2022

when younger generations can't afford cable so they mooch off their parents' logins & definitely mess up network data https://t.co/K7L2yXnsRC
— Marisa Baram (@marisabaram) August 16, 2022

I love democracy pic.twitter.com/xMjjaJJBcZ
— Kevin H Bell 🌵 (@KevinHBell) August 15, 2022

they will write about her in history books pic.twitter.com/0GeWCFn7aY
— matt (@mattxiv) August 15, 2022

Mix things up by putting framed quotes meant for the kitchen into the bathroom pic.twitter.com/r6nDfCWPFi
— Rachel Figueroa 🐝🐝🐝🌻🌻🍄 (@Jewyorican) August 15, 2022

my roommate is like "the cat won't stop waking me up at night so I give her treats *every time* she wakes me up at night" I don't know how to break it to her
— Amy (@lolennui) August 16, 2022

pic.twitter.com/sqfsLtP0Mg
— Jan☭ (@GodandtheBear) August 16, 2022

We repeatedly told @DrOz that we had pre-made veggie trays..excuse me "Crudité"…in the deli starting at $5.99. $7.99 with guacamole and salsa. Vote @JohnFetterman! pic.twitter.com/FO83LmYPIl
— Wegner's Groceries (@grocerieswegner) August 15, 2022

Fun fact: The Lighthouse (2019) had to be shot in black and white because Robert Pattinson looked like Mario in color. pic.twitter.com/ElsqgMQlQx
— collie (@colliecg) August 16, 2022

August 16

Happy anniversary to the discovery of the best show that never was... pic.twitter.com/vB6lQxegaW
— Louis Mendiola (@loudmendiola) August 16, 2022

I understand they need to update Bond to keep him relevant but this feels like a fundamental misunderstanding of the character pic.twitter.com/xJoO8fs3xk
— pixelatedboat aka "mr tweets" (@pixelatedboat) August 17, 2022

Be a Kermit the Frog. Have a creative vision and no ego. Recognize the unique talents of those around you. Attract weirdos. Manage chaos. Show kindness. Be sincere.
— T I M E S C A N N E R (@timescanner) August 16, 2022

Inside you, there are two wolves. Inside Mozart there were like eleven or twelve, that's why they called him Wolfgang.
— Ben Riddle (@rddlmethispoet) August 16, 2022

This is Truffles; she works at a children's optometrist to help them feel better about wearing glasses. pic.twitter.com/CcdH9sQe2R
— A happier day (@AHappierDay) August 16, 2022

"They did a good job on her" "Yes, she looks good" pic.twitter.com/hlet7OhFdk
— Reesha Bonet 🌳🧘🏽‍♀️🌳 (@Reesha) August 17, 2022

we lose the CNE for one year and this is what they come back with. close it back down pic.twitter.com/RqZllmqcCD
— dij (@DijahSB) August 16, 2022

obsessed with the kids who made the finals of the USA Mullet Championships and their absolutely fucked up names pic.twitter.com/UQb936vXas
— michelle hanley (@piscesgurl69) August 16, 2022

I need to know more pic.twitter.com/oopETKYsBh
— yc (@yc) August 16, 2022

oh sorry i didnt know you have trauma you can keep being mean to me now
— dead meat (@dethcru5h) August 17, 2022

yo pic.twitter.com/xtALGtaPaz
— turd cart operator (@gun_toucher) August 16, 2022

first draft of email: please fuck all the way off
email sent: i apologize for any confusion
— Sarah Dutcher (@itssarahdutcher) August 16, 2022

megan thee stallion pushing gandalf from lord of the rings pic.twitter.com/IXyfXbarzX
— pj 🦖 trop in 15 days (@thorschei) August 16, 2022

August 17

Taylor Lautner reveals that his fiancée Taylor Dome will take his last name and also be named Taylor Lautner. pic.twitter.com/KZglxABOUt
— Pop Base (@PopBase) August 17, 2022

One of my bridesmaids just broke up with her bf who was supposed to come to my wedding & I was sad for her for about 3 seconds until I remembered that her hs crush will also be at the wedding (single) and I'm now more committed to this 2nd chance romance than to my own marriage
— heathermcbreenwrites (@heathermcwrites) August 18, 2022

The voiceover on this commercial asked, "Shouldn't your body lotion do MORE than just moisturize?" And you know what, I don't think it should.
— Ashley C. Ford (@iSmashFizzle) August 18, 2022

Apologies for the delayed response to your email. I was coordinating my family's individualized approach to two pandemics
— Leta McCollough Seletzky, JD (@LaSeletzky) August 18, 2022

Three stages of career development are: I want to be in the meeting, I want to run the meeting, I want to avoid meetings.
— Kate (she/her/hers) (@Katiohead) August 17, 2022

There are way too many different types of beetles for God to not be at least on the spectrum
— Wraith (@WraithLaFrentz) August 18, 2022

Elon Musk went to Kevin McCarthy's Party last night in Wyoming—to celebrate Liz Cheney's loss.

While speaking at the MAGA party, Musk asked everyone to deny that he was there. Musk made sure that no press was allowed anywhere near the property—then people started posting selfies pic.twitter.com/4UllA57rRg
— Arctic Friend (@FriendEden100) August 17, 2022

Being gay isn't your choice, it's mine. You're gay now.
— HIDEKI NYAGANUMA 🇺🇦 CEO OF FUNKY FRESH BEATS (@Hideki_Naganuma) August 17, 2022

Literally all of this being self inflicted is unreal pic.twitter.com/iLbd4PU3Ux
— lil orthogonian (@cityafreaks) August 18, 2022

I cannot believe this campaign is real. pic.twitter.com/qUEQJY8Mzs
— Lakshya Jain (@lxeagle17) August 18, 2022

Dr. Oz claimed he has only two houses. Survey says.... pic.twitter.com/CLJbhQCH7U
— John Fetterman (@JohnFetterman) August 17, 2022

August 18

It's crazy how Dr. Oz owns 10 homes and John Fetterman owns Dr. Oz.
— Tony Posnanski (@tonyposnanski) August 18, 2022

Its all going really well in the UK at the moment pic.twitter.com/PXpuSsYBmQ
— 𝐃𝐄𝐕𝐎𝐍 (@Devon_OnEarth) August 18, 2022

this looks 🔥 pic.twitter.com/ylzc8KkegX
— Rajat Suresh (@rajat_suresh) August 18, 2022

I DID NOT KNOW THIS: Apparently, the people who built the pyramids didn't get paid unless they each found ten other people to also build pyramids.
— Dave Merritt (@GoldenSeals) August 18, 2022

Extra! Extra! Donald Trump says Ted Cruz's dad killed JFK! pic.twitter.com/5J1ZB1onU4
— The Good Liars (@TheGoodLiars) August 18, 2022

Opinion | I was a lifelong moderate Republican. Then the media was mean to Mitt Romney in 2012, so I became a Nazi.
— New York Times Pitchbot (@DougJBalloon) August 19, 2022

Seth Rogen rules pic.twitter.com/NwJpCKfsSF
— adam (@rocinantrea) August 18, 2022

We can assume that ppl who still wear n95s whenever they're indoors to protect others must have the best D or V or whathaveyous
— Jennifer McAuliffe (@JenniferJokes) August 18, 2022

Azaelia Banks saying that gay men appropriate horse culture by wearing harnesses and injecting ketamine is the funniest thing anybody has ever said ever
— isaac 🎇 (@androgynyfiend) August 18, 2022

Problematic philosophers and their crimes - a thread pic.twitter.com/IHRCAGKd6N
— ً (@Liv_Agar) August 18, 2022

surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
— trash jones (@jzux) August 18, 2022

Be the chaos you wish to see in the world: pic.twitter.com/Syb5oSEpv6
— Moose (@LitMoose) August 18, 2022

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: August 19, 2022

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