A cat goes to town, I'd be down, schools spread coronavirus around, avoiding a knife on the ground, and much more from this week in funny tweets.<br>
<br>
<strong>August 14</strong>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">in every relationship one persons a chef and one person has IBS</p>
— Your Next Employee (@unclesshane) <a href="https://twitter.com/unclesshane/status/1294503114855206914?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 15, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">"i'm screaming" -46 year old journalist quoting a tiktok being reposted by a 44 year old journalist</p>
— food truck drove away with my debit card (@fart) <a href="https://twitter.com/fart/status/1294468936780484609?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 15, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">when I'm making plans:<br>
<br>
"I'm down" - yes<br>
<br>
"I'd be down" - I'm not down, but if I must be down I will be.</p>
— Niccole Thurman (@niccolethurman) <a href="https://twitter.com/niccolethurman/status/1294388240489697280?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 14, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Sorry I didn't text you back, my old heist crew used emotional leverage to draw me into a big heist after I had already said I was done doing heists lol</p>
— michael timlin (@MichaelTimlin) <a href="https://twitter.com/MichaelTimlin/status/1294426235863535617?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 15, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Customers are bad. I'm sorry for ever being a customer</p>
— jz (@mixedgrass) <a href="https://twitter.com/mixedgrass/status/1294276571428077571?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 14, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Many people have been using quarantine as a time to perfect their bread or coffee making skills, but I personally have taken this as an opportunity to make increasingly unsettling eggs <a href="https://t.co/7mefhS5ffB">pic.twitter.com/7mefhS5ffB</a></p>
— Anna Hughes (@AnnaGHughes) <a href="https://twitter.com/AnnaGHughes/status/1294270430518312966?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 14, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<strong>August 15</strong>

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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">mommy can't play right now she has to go on a pensive walk and listen to her songs</p>
— charlie roebuck (@eggshellfriend) <a href="https://twitter.com/eggshellfriend/status/1294782051703566341?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 15, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Big congratulations to drugs for winning the War on Drugs.</p>
— Gritty Get Litty 🌹 (@HexagonalBear) <a href="https://twitter.com/HexagonalBear/status/1294620013694005248?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 15, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">The Lincoln Project finally gives us an answer to the question "What if FuckJerry was run by the people who created ICE?" <a href="https://t.co/1hiRMy1cMN">https://t.co/1hiRMy1cMN</a></p>
— Zach Dunn (@zachbdunn) <a href="https://twitter.com/zachbdunn/status/1294736412764340224?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 15, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">I just opened my front door and heard one of my neighbors yell at another one, "They're LESBIANS! I'm pretty sure they know what days the trash is supposed to go out!" which is not a stereotype I knew existed but honestly I don't mind it.</p>
— Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) <a href="https://twitter.com/theheatherhogan/status/1294798108858224641?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 16, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">i love the "silent majority" concept because trump supporters have never been the majority, and they are physically incapable of shutting the fuck up.</p>
— hasanabi (@hasanthehun) <a href="https://twitter.com/hasanthehun/status/1294755614636138496?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 15, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<strong>August 16</strong>

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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Stealing from creators is a nonpartisan crime <a href="https://twitter.com/ProjectLincoln?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">@ProjectLincoln</a>. <a href="https://t.co/7ps0mHvuhh">pic.twitter.com/7ps0mHvuhh</a></p>
— Brandy Zadrozny (@BrandyZadrozny) <a href="https://twitter.com/BrandyZadrozny/status/1295078804247982087?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 16, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">I CANT STOPLAUGHIINFGNGH <a href="https://t.co/dLD3wzKvPR">pic.twitter.com/dLD3wzKvPR</a></p>
— cloud ♡'s akechi (@JlNSUKE) <a href="https://twitter.com/JlNSUKE/status/1295099122681360390?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 16, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">I just found out that they always put bras on dead women????<br>
<br>
IF ONE OF YOU MFERS PUTS A BRA ON MY CORPSE I'M HAUNTING YOU FOR EVER WITH THESE FREE ASS TITTIES! I will not go to my grave like that!</p>
— Marissa Louise (@marissadraws) <a href="https://twitter.com/marissadraws/status/1295137713574699009?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 16, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">My kid's school expects him to be at the computer 8am-3pm, camera on, in uniform, no beds, couches, or "clutter"<br>
<br>
Yeah, uh, we'll see about that</p>
— Jeffemy Jerrress (@kranzman) <a href="https://twitter.com/kranzman/status/1295170365405237248?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 17, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">There are only 3 kinds of animals: <a href="https://t.co/XG1ni4Z2N6">pic.twitter.com/XG1ni4Z2N6</a></p>
— glasses jacket shirt man (@bust2nut) <a href="https://twitter.com/bust2nut/status/1295140462915923969?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 16, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">if you text me "we need to talk" i'm gonna reply "yes we do" now we both stressed</p>
— T'A (@tfcarter09) <a href="https://twitter.com/tfcarter09/status/1294993282880221190?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 16, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<strong>August 17</strong>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">I mean, gentrification is absolutely an architectural style—you know exactly what a gentrification building looks like</p>
— John Manuel Arias (@johnmanuelarias) <a href="https://twitter.com/johnmanuelarias/status/1295406265263366146?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 17, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">This COVID shit lasting like a Honda Civic</p>
— p (@_lickks) <a href="https://twitter.com/_lickks/status/1295592037417246721?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 18, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">this is my impression of what i do to avoid the knife i dropped <a href="https://t.co/gKwwEAzQAP">pic.twitter.com/gKwwEAzQAP</a></p>
— KP Parker (@kpifthatscool) <a href="https://twitter.com/kpifthatscool/status/1295431954322427904?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 17, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Good sportsmanship by Luka Doncic to acknowledge the opponent after the loss <a href="https://t.co/XH5Riy3vVv">pic.twitter.com/XH5Riy3vVv</a></p>
— Saad Yousuf (@SaadYousuf126) <a href="https://twitter.com/SaadYousuf126/status/1295568485603475457?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 18, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">dnc night 1 was great!!!! <a href="https://t.co/Ln9Q7N4xIb">pic.twitter.com/Ln9Q7N4xIb</a></p>
— manny (@mannyfidel) <a href="https://twitter.com/mannyfidel/status/1295563640104460289?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 18, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">MAN: i'm leaving you<br>
<br>
WOMAN: is this about the hokey pokey again<br>
<br>
MAN: *clenching fist* that's what it's ALL about</p>
— Rads (@FeelingEuphoric) <a href="https://twitter.com/FeelingEuphoric/status/1295371642399600640?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 17, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<strong>August 18</strong>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">✨close ur tabs. If it's meant to be, you'll find ur way back✨</p>
— laura flores (@soyeah_imlauraa) <a href="https://twitter.com/soyeah_imlauraa/status/1295793469818953728?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 18, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">if I ever have a daughter I will simply not care about her sex life because that's fucking weird</p>
— bad boy (@badboychadhoy) <a href="https://twitter.com/badboychadhoy/status/1295904051490627585?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 19, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">white people love referring to protests as "everything going on"</p>
— 🌅 (@blkcollegeteen) <a href="https://twitter.com/blkcollegeteen/status/1295883005035192320?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 19, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">The 8 yr old just asked why the tooth fairy doesn't just dig up dead people to get teeth.</p>
— Heather (@henmack) <a href="https://twitter.com/henmack/status/1295630252387926017?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 18, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">just a couple of blue check liberals having fun online <a href="https://t.co/q7qyfq0y1o">pic.twitter.com/q7qyfq0y1o</a></p>
— kylie brakeman (@deadeyebrakeman) <a href="https://twitter.com/deadeyebrakeman/status/1295773240149676032?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 18, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">I tell you what, bringing students into dorms for two weeks, letting them all get good and covidy and then shutting the dorms down and sending them back to their hometowns around the country is a hell of a plan if your university trustees are coronavirus.</p>
— 💀 damned sinker 💀 (@dansinker) <a href="https://twitter.com/dansinker/status/1295710911064354817?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 18, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<strong>August 19</strong>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">the sexual tension between my lighter and my neighbors trump flag</p>
— kate (@kaiteasley) <a href="https://twitter.com/kaiteasley/status/1296199972833169409?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 19, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">This MF is Badass… <a href="https://t.co/XkNviHEujo">https://t.co/XkNviHEujo</a></p>
— ICE T (@FINALLEVEL) <a href="https://twitter.com/FINALLEVEL/status/1296271850679332865?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 20, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">he has it all but it cost him everything <a href="https://t.co/907flOinYh">pic.twitter.com/907flOinYh</a></p>
— jim time (@urvillageidiot) <a href="https://twitter.com/urvillageidiot/status/1296232429468844032?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 19, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">ranch hand: have u ever ridden a horse<br>
<br>
me: *riding it like a skateboard* ya<br>
<br>
ranch hand: thats not how u rid-<br>
<br>
me: *kickflips horse*<br>
<br>
ranch hand: holy fuckin shit</p>
— thomas (@perfectsweeties) <a href="https://twitter.com/perfectsweeties/status/1296092216058957824?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 19, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<strong>August 20</strong>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Today in off-prompter vs. on-prompter... <a href="https://t.co/TrnxSBO8mR">pic.twitter.com/TrnxSBO8mR</a></p>
— The Recount (@therecount) <a href="https://twitter.com/therecount/status/1296548742523494401?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 20, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">It should be noted that this is Trump's *second* campaign manager to be arrested.</p>
— Amanda Carpenter (@amandacarpenter) <a href="https://twitter.com/amandacarpenter/status/1296446731756994560?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 20, 2020</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">CNN: BANNON INDICTED<br>
<br>
MSNBC: BANNON INDICTED<br>
<br>
FOX NEWS: DID BARACK OBAMA USE SECRET CODE LANGUAGE TO ACTIVATE UNDERGROUND BLACK PANTHER CELLS IN CHICAGO LAST NIGHT?</p>
— The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) <a href="https://twitter.com/TheDailyShow/status/1296456550551375879?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 20, 2020</a></blockquote>
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Vish Khanna

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: August 21, 2020

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