July 28
Instagram: my holiday is better than your holiday
— Will Davies (@davies_will) July 28, 2018
Facebook: my children are cuter than your children
Twitter: my ideology is responsible for fewer brutal murders and enslavements than your ideology
he even closed the fucking lid https://t.co/hkO7CPsLXu
— dream ghoul (@TheDreamGhoul) July 29, 2018
Street violence in Sweden.🇸🇪 pic.twitter.com/qMG1hYiMBK
— Dennis D Teach (@Agha_Zadeh) July 28, 2018
July 29
PHOTOGRAPHER: perfect, that's a wrap.
— bobby (@bobby) July 29, 2018
CHIPPER: you sure you got the shot? i can stick around if you wanna take a few more.
PHOTOGRAPHER: i said. that's a wrap. pic.twitter.com/sP6nKSGUJS
The start of Jay Z's "Monster" verse also works as a ranking of the monsters by sexiness pic.twitter.com/lw1tuCxfKF
— Tim "The Boat Man" Taylor (@pixelatedboat) July 30, 2018
Little secret about me: my answer to the question "would you like a receipt" is based on absolutely nothing and changes all the time
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) July 30, 2018
When I was a kid, Cary Grant came over to the house to meet with my mother about some project. When she was out of the room, he looked at me and whispered ""I'm not really Cary Grant." This was a very important lesson.
— Shaun Cassidy (@shaunpcassidy) July 29, 2018
move the bowl please https://t.co/MZVgSXcp4L
— Tᴡᴇɴᴛʏ ᴊᴜᴀɴ sᴀᴠᴀɢᴇ (@juannisaac) July 29, 2018
Photographer: pose!
— Dave Weasel (@DaveWeasel) July 30, 2018
Melanie: how?
P: Like you know nothing about gardening.
M: lol got it. pic.twitter.com/799qrTnMLn
July 30
Erev Tov, I was honored that ladies man Roi Moore took time away from his busy schedule of hanging round shopping malls to talk to me. https://t.co/WYnPOqN7ad
— Colonel Erran Morad (@ErranMorad) July 30, 2018
welp, back from a few days of not paying attention to politics, time to check in on how th pic.twitter.com/AZlmgefVft
— Simon Maloy (@SimonMaloy) July 30, 2018
Here's a cartoon I drew about Bigfoot in like 2011 I think pic.twitter.com/w1GzBI7kb4
— ''Steve'' (@extranapkins) July 30, 2018
has Tom Cruise seen a movie? pic.twitter.com/9Li0zAq1YB
— Ryan Perez (@ryguyperez) July 30, 2018
brb, deleting ten years of pedophilia jokes https://t.co/BFmdAbk3Sg
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) July 30, 2018
cool new feature for apple users: the new iOS strongly implies that the basektball emoji is made of human skin pic.twitter.com/rkj7FdhKQn
— Julian Glander (@glanderco) July 31, 2018
before i slept with a sword by my side:
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) July 30, 2018
-unsafe
-vulnerable
-uncool
sleeping with a sword by my side:
-always ready to attack intruders
-confident
-extremely cool
-cut my hand every morning when i go to turn off my alarm but hit the sword instead
Just a reminder that someone stole George W. Bush's debate prep book (and videotapes!) and sent it to the Gore campaign and they immediately turned all the materials over to the FBI
— Judd Legum (@JuddLegum) July 30, 2018
July 31
The party that once lectured the country about fiscal responsibility and public morality have ballooned the deficit to over a TRILLION dollars and elected a President who has paid off MULTIPLE porn stars.
— Mikel Jollett (@Mikel_Jollett) July 31, 2018
new hill on which i'm considering dying: chewbacca is an emotional support animal
— rob whisman (@robwhisman) July 31, 2018
I wish trades happened outside of sports. The Wendy's on Dupont Road sends fry cook Kelly Futz to the Dairy Queen on 17th Avenue for Assistant Manager Shantika Leonard and a cashier to be named later.
— George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) July 31, 2018
Joker: Some men just want to watch the world burn.
— Luke O'Neil (@lukeoneil47) July 31, 2018
Maron, not listening: So who're your guys? https://t.co/VzcGKSZmH1
N..no? pic.twitter.com/69uMEXJMcm
— 𝕃.𝕄. 𝕂𝕟𝕚𝕘𝕙𝕥🏳️🌈 (@LMKnightArt) July 31, 2018
i suffer from depression, or as my father puts it "no i don't."
— Tig Notaro (@TigNotaro) July 31, 2018
human woman fucks a bee https://t.co/dYbkGNjrnJ
— Seinfeld Current Day (@Seinfeld2000) August 1, 2018
Planet of the Apes (1968)
— movie_goofs (@movie_goofs) July 31, 2018
Plot hole
It is never explained how or why the Statue of Liberty was transported from Earth to the planet of the apes.
nice heights you got there
— Paul Krueger 2: Paulectric Kruegaloo (@NotLikeFreddy) July 31, 2018
it'd be a shame if someone were to
wuther them
"You see this, Ed? Bigfoot's hairy dick is back in the news." pic.twitter.com/ihKtTwmL37
— Joe McAdam (@joemcadam) July 31, 2018
August 1
Last night @seanhannity said the media covering the Manafort trial is "on full high alert, DEFCOM level 10."
— Vote Matt Negrin for NY GOV to see Trump's taxes (@MattNegrin) August 1, 2018
- It's DEFCON, not DEFCOM
- The DEFCON scale is from 1 to 5
- DEFCON 5 is the least severe; DEFCON 1 is most severe ("DEFCON 10" would be impossibly insignificant) pic.twitter.com/6UlcAUzw7i
I just 3-D printed an entire Olive Garden restaurant including a waiter named Tim who is also in an improv group.
— Wendy Molyneux (@WendyMolyneux) August 1, 2018
remember how Hillary freaked the fuck out and had a twitter meltdown because she was called to testify about Benghazi? of course you don't. she sat and calmly answered questions for eleven hours, because she hadn't done anything wrong and she's not a whiny-ass bloated man-child
— Jeff Tiedrich (@itsJeffTiedrich) August 2, 2018
Daughter: What has two hands and no legs?
— Paul Ford (@ftrain) August 1, 2018
Me: I don't know.
Daughter: I can't tell you until I've eaten the whole thing.
(I look up in horror, then realize she's reading a joke off a popsicle stick and not done eating it yet.)
i'm sick of not knowing who the FUCK is keeping Arby's in business. i want actual names of actual human beings. WHO THE FUCK is eating there. i've never seen one go out of business. i need answers, who the fuck is eating Arby's SPEAK UP NOW
— nug (@yungtiddy) August 2, 2018
August 2
Happy birthday to @Metallica's James Hetfield! 🤘🎂 pic.twitter.com/kI0gcBK3MI
— The Wiggles (@TheWiggles) August 2, 2018
Journalism: https://t.co/5NR2wLGMnU
— Trixie Mattel (@trixiemattel) August 2, 2018
I'm sick of seeing these attacks on whites. The problem isn't all white people. The problem is their leader, Jack White, who controls the other whites with the hypnotic power of his shitty blues rock
— Tim "The Boat Man" Taylor (@pixelatedboat) August 2, 2018
behind every great man is a great woman who is like what the fuck shithead get out of the way
— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) August 2, 2018
Looking back, I'm starting to think that wasn't a genie, my wishes won't come true, and I just willingly saw a homeless man's penis for no reason.
— Rick Quaresma (@notsoevilrick) August 2, 2018
The totally insane "Be Yourself Gang" sketch we wrote the night before at around 1am at "Late Night" years ago, with Jon Glaser, @TommyBlacha, @jcestlin, me, and @McTweetalicious. #ThrowbackThursday https://t.co/NlNZxb6g6R
— Brian Stack (@BrianStack153) August 2, 2018
August 3
CLOSER LOOK with an evaluation of Rudy's poker face. https://t.co/Bq66pq83sK
— Seth Meyers (@sethmeyers) August 3, 2018
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) August 3, 2018