Her job is tables, ample fables, everything bagels, coup d'état cables, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

December 10

i got a date in 3 hours im fucked pic.twitter.com/8TYFmlmnFI
— zog (@penisshitting) December 10, 2021

we are the grand daughters of the grandmas your reindeer couldn't run over
— m___ (@nosourceofhoney) December 10, 2021

You're in his DMs, I can no longer send direct messages to this person. L͟e͟a͟r͟n͟ m͟o͟r͟e͟
— gnome 👼🏻 (@gnomeszs) December 11, 2021

Cell Phone: I'm a year and a half old, lay me on my deathbed. My time has come.

Calculator: Since 2002 I have only grown stronger. One day I will end god.
— Ron Iver (@ronnui_) December 10, 2021

sexual education in the united states is so bad. i can't believe we were never taught how to tuck somebody in so they're snug as a bug in a rug
— Austin (@adoptedhighway) December 11, 2021

I mean pic.twitter.com/7Nri14LZe6
— Hungry Hungry Himbo (@OnlyAWorldAway) December 11, 2021

December 11

pic.twitter.com/gjrVCtFkvP
— Dr. Powerful Wizard (@transpontiff) December 11, 2021

the "post-" in post-covid is the same as the "post-" in post-colonialism
— disorientalist (@princessmlokhia) December 12, 2021

Both I and Michael Phelps know how to swim. https://t.co/22vZm0TS1F
— Kevin Nimmock (@KevinCTV) December 11, 2021

"nobody wants to work anymore" starter kit pic.twitter.com/3MWQwM6OoI
— Janel Comeau (@VeryBadLlama) December 11, 2021

solidarity… pic.twitter.com/bGq8IBjivL
— jon ben-menachem (@jbenmenachem) December 12, 2021

pic.twitter.com/1dMGdVWoU0
— dragging a jet ski up a hill (@jetski0) December 11, 2021

He's making a list. He's checking it twice. He's adding a picture. He's completely fucked the formatting. He's closing the Word document in anger.
— Ross Sayers (@Sayers33) December 11, 2021

the fuck is a cοncIusion paragraph just stop reading
— juju 💰 (@ihyjuju) December 11, 2021

December 12

That's beautiful. https://t.co/jYTPzaHkQD
— Neil Gaiman (@neilhimself) December 13, 2021

The older I get, the more I feel like I'm becoming more like Marge Simpson. I just don't have the energy to hate things anymore. Boy, wasn't that movie fun? Isn't Christmas nice? I just think potatoes are neat.
— Amanda Wong (@amandawtwong) December 12, 2021

one thing i like about having an offline boyfriend is that we ordered chinese food and i said "you're telling me a shrimp fried this rice?" and he fucking lost it
— Claire Lower (@clairelizzie) December 12, 2021

Tristan with a totally different attack method pic.twitter.com/AHu89tG04a
— SheRatesDogs (@SheRatesDogs) December 12, 2021

pic.twitter.com/9cvZTWdQwD
— compson's most wanted (@thamosdeaf) December 12, 2021

I was singing You Are My Sunshine to my 3 year old and he told me he hates that song. I said that's a shame because I use to sing it to him when he was in my tummy before he was born and he looked me dead in the eyes and said "I hated it then too".
— 🎄Aice is my Christmas name - ask me why 🎄 (@AliceTaylorM) December 12, 2021

Shiv, Roman, and Kendall working together pic.twitter.com/Z4pQPoWoVu
— Carrie Courogen (@carriecourogen) December 13, 2021

landlord: the cost of rent has gone up

businesses: that's a natural part of doing business

suppliers: the cost of materials has gone up

businesses: that's a natural part of doing business

worker: the cost of my labor has gone up

businesses: listen here you little shit
— Janel Comeau (@VeryBadLlama) December 12, 2021

December 13

H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
— Dr Pessimus Prime, ho ho ho edition (@BigJDubz) December 13, 2021

headphones are not enough i need the song inside of me
— Leo Modelions (@MODELIONS) December 13, 2021

Sorry I'm late, I got stuck behind someone driving the speed limit
— jon claytor (@jonclaytor) December 14, 2021

i think we can all agree that pete davidson was person of the year
— Anthony Kapfer (@AnthonyKapfer) December 14, 2021

Well-deserved pic.twitter.com/IqXAo8ADV4
— Bedford Falls High-Speed Rail (@BudrykZack) December 13, 2021

I love how when you break your toe they just tape it to the next toe.That's like what a child would come up with
— dylan gelula (@DylanGelula) December 14, 2021

Lil kids talking about "when I grow up". Man it's 70 in December you ain't growing up lmao
— Kenny Lì ひ (@theyylovekj) December 13, 2021

tfw you are the eldest son pic.twitter.com/5MiHy7AO1N
— Ang Ferraguto (@MagnaFarta) December 13, 2021

All u guys tweeting about a tv show that I have inferred is just Serious Arrested Development pic.twitter.com/eGhSL2vgA7
— Robin Hatch (@robinhatch) December 13, 2021

December 14

People are like "this moment from Succession was so iconic" and the screenshot always looks like this pic.twitter.com/w3yhlftfZw
— Macy Rodman (@MacyRodman) December 14, 2021

before you send that email, ask yourself: is this a december problem or a january problem?
— Dr. Nneka D. Dennie 💁🏾‍♀️🇻🇨✊🏾 (@BlkGrlBrilliant) December 14, 2021

you admit that i know the eight less famous reindeer. you admit it! and then, THEN, you have the…the unmitigated GALL to ask if i recall the most famous reindeer of all
— DougExeter (@Doug_Exeter) December 14, 2021

pic.twitter.com/RLW52vG8PO
— music struggles (@musicstruggles1) December 14, 2021

"go to hell" is basic. "i hope your favourite band releases an NFT" is terrifying. it's possible.
— casper moon (@mountbellyache) December 14, 2021

Actual king shit pic.twitter.com/G32PLC6HHH
— ＢＥＮＪＩ ₙₒᵥₐ / Holiday patrol (@AllNewBenji) December 14, 2021

He went to jail for drug pic.twitter.com/qEFEG159pW
— maya 🌬 (@ZEROSUlTSAMUS) December 15, 2021

shout out to the student who emailed to tell me they needed an extension because their edibles were too powerful i haven't stopped laughing since i read your message
— jennifer (@jenfronc) December 14, 2021

I legitimately thought the first sentence of this tweet was about the weather and thought…sure why not I guess that can happen now. https://t.co/JkF2ccXkSP
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) December 14, 2021

People say 'post-COVID' but really mean 'since people stopped giving a shit'. We need a new word.
— Jamie Longazel (@jlongazel) December 14, 2021

pic.twitter.com/fKvjkESQvd
— Axe🗿🇵🇸 (@westernunion2k) December 14, 2021

December 15

my bagel what's wrong
🤝
everything
— Brian Revels (@sorevelsthus) December 15, 2021

you, boy! What's today's online discourse pic.twitter.com/hhIAcRc3kz
— Jamison Webb (@jamisonwebb) December 15, 2021

I know when that hotline bling
Glory to the newborn king
— Bedford Falls High-Speed Rail (@BudrykZack) December 15, 2021

hear me out. google docs wrapped. yasss queen! this year you slayed the phrase "the ways in which"
— ASYA (@communistbabe) December 15, 2021

put barb and star on your year end lists you cowards
— rachel syme (@rachsyme) December 15, 2021

"you're so self aware" thanks it's ruining my life
— chrysoprase queen (@anahatasol) December 15, 2021

It says STUDENT loans, which I am no longer. Be blessed Joseph.
— MAXINE SHAW, ATTORNEY AT LAW* (@JDbeauty21) December 15, 2021

i like how people say "you'll become more conservative as you get older" basically admitting it's a degenerative condition.
— Roy🌾 (@Roy_oh_Roy) December 15, 2021

it's weird when a big disaster happens in the US and people are like "hey help us!" and the president is always like "ha ok ok hold on let me come see" and then he flys all the way there to see and he's like "oh shit!"
— Matt O'Brien (@matt_obrien) December 15, 2021

white house reporter: we can mitigate the spread of covid by making rapid tests free and accessible

jen psaki: how bout i mitigate your mom lmao next question
— manny (@mannyfidel) December 16, 2021

Death provides greater immunity from COVID than even four doses of the strongest vaccine. So why are so many liberals intent on avoiding it?
— New York Times Pitchbot (@DougJBalloon) December 16, 2021

December 16

comedians in bars getting covid
— alysia (@alysiabr0wn) December 16, 2021

omicron got my weekend plans like pic.twitter.com/iIWi8BSijO
— Jon Blair (@okjonblair) December 16, 2021

at this point not having covid is a sign of being an antisocial recluse and honey i am one
— dana bad (@baddanadanabad) December 16, 2021

Especially since his emails were about plotting a coup d'etat, while ours were about gefilte fish. https://t.co/XLYENxoCbn
— Hillary Clinton (@HillaryClinton) December 16, 2021

it's easy to stay sane as long as you have a podcast or a tv show on to distract you from your thoughts from the second you wake up to the second you fall asleep
— Fucked Up (@FUCKEDUP) December 16, 2021

Wow it's been almost 2 years since I played inaccessible music to an empty bar
— charles austin (@skunkancienne) December 16, 2021

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: December 17, 2021

Latest Coverage