His name is Don, I'm thinking of moving to Oregon, "I CON," before dawn, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

December 15

Oh no, I finished all of my little word games for the day and now I have to feel my feelings
— Ꮍᴀᴇʟ (@elle91) December 15, 2023

Give her all of my license fee pic.twitter.com/h2RMBIatxY
— Ava-Santina (@AvaSantina) December 15, 2023

"It's not looking too good" is a top 1 sentence to say while promoting your movie https://t.co/BCHNdv9eNy
— jolly ol' joe bro 🎄 (@jbromovies) December 15, 2023

pic.twitter.com/0rjD5osTDU
— New York Times Pitchbot (@DougJBalloon) December 16, 2023

friend: i'm thinking about moving to oregon

me: [knows about what happened to the people who tried to move to oregon in the 1800s] i wouldn't
— cory (@coolmathgame_) December 15, 2023

Living in Canada can be really dumb sometimes. Like, here's a billboard encouraging you to have maple syrup for every meal pic.twitter.com/zfxbximrgi
— Haus of Decline (@hausofdecline) December 15, 2023

When do we name the stadium? https://t.co/P06xrOLRSy
— TDot Resident (@TDotResident) December 15, 2023

Sandra Bullock's what https://t.co/YoitDwj9S9
— Wendell (@RhodeToLove) December 15, 2023

damn so you guys WATCHED watched that video huh https://t.co/fk2rGUvAOG pic.twitter.com/i64QunNrpT
— america's lounge singer (@KrangTNelson) December 16, 2023

When you're lost at the senate and accidentally wander into the hearing room pic.twitter.com/ZxoWaK9vbh
— Tom Zohar (@TomZohar) December 16, 2023

Me walking out of the Senate hearing room https://t.co/FuqkUniM4e pic.twitter.com/ms2YLVldYT
— Ben Yahr (@benyahr) December 15, 2023

Senate Hearing Room pic.twitter.com/kmKONiBd2g
— St. Olaf Stories (@StOlafStories) December 16, 2023

Both of them have been quite silent lately pic.twitter.com/MQJNJPwsRl
— Sammy Obeid (@SammyObeid) December 15, 2023

i guarantee you will never see this twist coming https://t.co/wfnBM4JC2W
— assigned theyfab at birth 🔆 (@theyfabatbirth) December 16, 2023

Rudolph literally wasn't allowed to join in any reindeer games that was like an extremely basic part of the story. Idiots https://t.co/Ov6wpluTjt
— Jenny Nicholson (@JennyENicholson) December 15, 2023

In light of Rudy's momentous loss today, enjoy the best Rudy Giuliani video ever made.
pic.twitter.com/oMgfffl4MA
— Carlos Turnbull (@cturnbull1968) December 15, 2023

this is my lawyer dawg i'm going to pay a 9 figure settlement pic.twitter.com/oqQfPx2bIf
— Ken Klippenstein (@kenklippenstein) December 15, 2023

Hey, @RudyGiuliani looking at our books, we notice that you still owe us for rental of lectern, yard fees, and hors d'oeuvres for 'all the networks'.

Hope this isn't a bad time.

Yours etc.

FSTL
— Four Seasons Total Landscaping (@TotalSeasons) December 16, 2023

December 16

Sounds like someone could use a little treat https://t.co/KqPGjAAF3J
— Heben Nigatu (@hebennigatu) December 16, 2023

https://t.co/xYncSafgYq pic.twitter.com/WMFz4HiMhg
— Criminalsimpsons (@Criminalsimpson) December 16, 2023

Tonight we are going out to celebrate one of my best friends—the catch—all 20 of us will be dressed up as an elementary school photo of him. Planned by his wife. pic.twitter.com/WDj4T7iRhb
— p ✨ 🪩 (@preshiate) December 17, 2023

before phones were ppl just constantly driving to the library at night to look up if their cat can have a little bite of their dinner
— Zack Bornstein (@ZackBornstein) December 17, 2023

Based. pic.twitter.com/QPLqZdPMy8
— The Emo Dragon says ceasefire now! (@TheEmoDragon) December 17, 2023

my 2024 prediction is a massive advertising collapse when everyone realizes social media is now mostly bots talking to each other pic.twitter.com/P5MyK4FsQP
— Rob DenBleyker (@RobDenBleyker) December 16, 2023

pic.twitter.com/zaNembuEEW https://t.co/Qx9b5hNUNA
— no context sitcoms ☮︎ 🍉 (@oocsitcoms) December 17, 2023

the fact that they are married makes it more funny 😭pic.twitter.com/FyvfkiPT1w https://t.co/dGb0ONxffa
— َ (@kendllroys) December 16, 2023

When you play the Pistons you can go hang out with your kids with 4:55 left in the 4th. pic.twitter.com/2hHHvrueDd
— Rob Perez (@WorldWideWob) December 17, 2023

DETROIT PISTONS FANS ON REDDIT ARE GOING INSANE LMAO 😭😭😭 pic.twitter.com/iqt6jcQuTB
— De🅿️ressed Warriors Fan 💔 (@GoIdenState) December 17, 2023

I get he's 6'4 but I doubt he's better than the guys they are currently playing https://t.co/6iltFFvecb
— They Got Me (@PaulTweetsRIP) December 17, 2023

the synchronized "ooohhh" is just too good.pic.twitter.com/jtE6SUVeFp https://t.co/gXSO2vrqE4
— Pramit (@pramitheus) December 16, 2023

Bill watch one episode of It's Always Sunny, you thousand year old whiny geek https://t.co/1DugKUxSvg
— Kevin McCaffrey (@KevinMcCaff) December 16, 2023

the way both of them deliver every line in this scene https://t.co/6XmJuO1ybU pic.twitter.com/jeIhBPQg0z
— delyn (@daynightmen) December 16, 2023

TO WHAT END‼️ 🎶TO WHAT END🎶 pic.twitter.com/7P2ohuR8yh https://t.co/72Mxw82kpv
— hugeasmammoth.films (@hugeasmammoth_) December 16, 2023

Imagine how mad you'd be if you didn't like musicals and went to see a movie and it turned out to be a musical. You'd be MAD. https://t.co/msw5fTPMSm
— Two Time Emmy Winner Ali B (@wtflanksteak) December 16, 2023

December 17

the best bit of this is the activist lady is just an actor named daphne skeeter and che bet the house if he just prefaced it with "shes an old black lady, she marched with king" every white person including jost would automatically believe it and they did https://t.co/PAZu9aUQxV
— jester without a court🇵🇸 (@FOOLNOTCOOL) December 18, 2023

Oh my God. A student just called out a Moms for Liberty founder and school board member after it was revealed she had a threesome while slandering LGBTQ people for "sexual immorality." pic.twitter.com/VWsgvYLDuG
— No Lie with Brian Tyler Cohen (@NoLieWithBTC) December 17, 2023

These are the teachers who go down as immortals. The teachers who when you're at Thanksgiving dinner with your younger cousins who are going to your old HS and you ask "Is Ms So and So still standing on that TV cart with the rollerblades" and get a resounding "OH MY GOD YES" https://t.co/YbdiCyRMwq
— 🐧✨America Is Musty✨🐧 (@DragonflyJonez) December 18, 2023

on the first day of christmas, my true love gave to me 55 BURGERS, 55 FRIES, 55 TACOS, 55 PIES, 55 COKES, 100 TATER TOTS, 100 PIZZAS, 100 TENDERS, 100 MEATBALLS, 100 COFFEES, 55 WINGS, 55 SHAKES, 55 PANCAKES, 55 PASTAS, 55 PEPPERS AND 155 TATERS
— barstool sports NYU (@Baileymoon15) December 17, 2023

Righteous Gemstones is a documentary https://t.co/5MBukLYq1w
— William Goodman (@goodmanw) December 17, 2023

Even Hitler went to prison when he tried to overthrow his government the first time. We're letting ours run for president again as if nothing happened.
— Molly Ploofkins™ (@Mollyploofkins) December 17, 2023

Sorry but this Indian takeaway is out of control bc what is this pic.twitter.com/PPfU4aU3q0
— Chairman of the FPA (Fat Pussy Association) (@fagcfo) December 17, 2023

Watching Robert Blake make the big mistake of trading barbs with Orson Welles and immediately get murderedpic.twitter.com/64GJQCARX3 https://t.co/DGABWB8rFh
— John Frankensteiner (@JFrankensteiner) December 17, 2023

when mark ruffalo spoiled the plot of infinity war https://t.co/E36xNHgzqq pic.twitter.com/WcwuF1k1jW
— َ (@popcultfilm) December 17, 2023

December 18

I'm posting this because I'm honestly at a loss. I've been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There's this guy & he's honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I'm sleeping & then he just disappears
— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) December 19, 2023

"giddy up jingle horse, pick up your feet" sounds like something tom wambsgans would say to greg as he's being forced to commit a federal crime
— ℜ𝔞𝔠𝔥𝔢𝔩 𝔈𝔩𝔦𝔷𝔞𝔟𝔢𝔱𝔥 🍒 (@chaotic_sub) December 19, 2023

You should never struggle with gift ideas for someone over 30, just get them one of those big things of ibuprofen
— I'm nice and normal (@InternetHippo) December 18, 2023

how is this not a dril tweet https://t.co/YQ8GoCM3ui
— hot spiderman (@rilomania247) December 18, 2023

Ziwe tricking George Santos into say "I con" instead of "icon"…give her the Pulitzer right now lol pic.twitter.com/89mi0HqRgW
— Spencer Althouse (@SpencerAlthouse) December 18, 2023

Going to take a CyberPiss! pic.twitter.com/KPK73zLEvT
— Duncan Jones (@ManMadeMoon) December 18, 2023

Don't overhydrate today. Take care of yourself and make sure you're drinking plenty of coffee or diet coke.
— Ron Iver (@ronnui_) December 18, 2023

Tim Hortons: here's your breakfast, you stupid fuck. everything is both burnt and cold. take this cup of cream and sugar that was briefly in the same room as coffee, and a paper bag with icing stuck to the inside of it. go away.

me: I will return here constantly
— Janel Comeau (@VeryBadLlama) December 19, 2023

he doesn't even support ceasefires on his own movie sets idk what you expected https://t.co/xz3f8eUUf1
— Hurt CoPain (@SaeedDiCaprio) December 19, 2023

it's crazy that jack donaghy is a better person than alec baldwin
— sarah hagi (@KindaHagi) December 19, 2023

he is Tracy Morgan's Oscar if he wants it https://t.co/u4rHD7tDaZ
— rachel (@rachelmillman) December 18, 2023

Suddenly he know what protection is https://t.co/JzhcVdX8CP
— Rico Gates (@TrustSwisho) December 19, 2023

Bro y'all coordinated outfits for a photoshoot. Y'all friendship cute as hell and that's ok man https://t.co/kBFuD3vIQq
— 🐧✨America Is Musty✨🐧 (@DragonflyJonez) December 19, 2023

the original Driving Crooner https://t.co/MehwdWO4EC
— ITYSL memes 💦🥩 (@ityslmemes.com on bsky) (@ITYSL_memes) December 19, 2023

Whenever I hear someone say "my wife" pic.twitter.com/N5mn7ElPJv
— Colin McLaughlin (@colinthecrabb) December 19, 2023

They should do an Outlook wrapped. Most frequently contacted, how many emails you ignored, highest word count per recipient, how many times you said the word "sorry", which sender needlessly used the most urgent flags. It would be really boring but I still want to see it.
— Mike Townsend (@townsendyesmate) December 18, 2023

Imagine body slamming someone in Waffle House and crashing through the floor to the toy aisle like redneck Tekken https://t.co/dAhT2AzRml
— 💙☁️ + 🧵 manicsocratic (@Manic_Socratic) December 19, 2023

December 19

wait did something happen with Jeff? https://t.co/UMoyGPsKSm pic.twitter.com/b9OedkaDVF
— Harry Lockheart's Missing Finger Facts (@Douggernaut_2) December 20, 2023

Wait is that really how much ladies fart when they're in love https://t.co/ncrHr5hDXa
— ❄️ grimm ❄️ (@ExileGrimm) December 19, 2023

Feel like Ebert claiming Home Alone 3 is the best Home Alone almost broke Siskel, like he couldn't comprehend how this had become his life pic.twitter.com/tYH8GecPeH
— John Frankensteiner (@JFrankensteiner) December 20, 2023

update: I missed a flight two days ago https://t.co/T3BmwwB04o
— Sam Weinberg (@SAMUELJWEINBERG) December 19, 2023

men on here love getting angry whenever women discuss keeping their last names because they're like "but i need my child to carry on my legacy" it's like what legacy gary, you work at a bank
— Clare Blackwood (@clareblackwood) December 19, 2023

THESE PICS DO NOT HAVE THE DESIRED RHETORICAL IMPACT YOU IMAGINED https://t.co/WW7KTIWole
— Microplastics Explorer (@DiabolicalSpuds) December 19, 2023

you know you're in mojo dojo casa house when you have to use the xbox controller as the tv remote
— chi (@ChiThukral) December 19, 2023

'night. pic.twitter.com/YyCtmdfE8g
— Rob Perez (@WorldWideWob) December 20, 2023

:( pic.twitter.com/3pojroqVsa
— Rob Perez (@WorldWideWob) December 20, 2023

you want me to finish a task???? On December 19th???? literally Christmas morning???
— Kylie Brakeman (@deadeyebrakeman) December 19, 2023

I've been thinking about this post since dec 14th and it keeps making me sob with laughter pic.twitter.com/NpcytPVm70
— gom jabbar bjar binks (@inkybarracuda) December 19, 2023

I'm convinced they sold these pre-dusty cuz I ain't never seen a clean one https://t.co/qCIY7m2O1W
— Northwest Cee (@CeeHawk) December 19, 2023

sorry for being nostalgia baited but it was kind of nice where the internet was a single, solitary, unmoving place instead of a terror that extends to everywhere. you went to this specific spot to go to the internet. when you left the spot, you left the internet. it was a place https://t.co/CykSmj3qlw
— cal50 (@cal50) December 20, 2023

The people at the vet are always like "he didn't let us take his blood" all accusatory but like he's a 12 pound cat and you're all trained human professionals??? Figure it out
— dumb adult (@__papa_) December 19, 2023

Maybe the worst ran campaign in recent memory https://t.co/A1S4dbyam7
— Joe Perticone (@JoePerticone) December 19, 2023

Mad Men (2007-2015) pic.twitter.com/1bxVe6X5Cg
— Ben Crew (@BenjaminCrew1) December 19, 2023

Just FYI, if you have this 1996 Jonathan Taylor Thomas calendar, the dates match up with 2024, so you can use it again. pic.twitter.com/c6Fhk6amJ2
— SpaceMonkeyX (@SpaceMonkeyX) December 19, 2023

December 20

not to be controversial, but can we pls wrap this week up already
— erika ✨ (@yeeeerika) December 20, 2023

hmm, I'm thinking that commuting for an hour and a half before dawn only to sit at an office for 8 hours doing nothing and then commute back home in pitch darkness for another hour and a half is having negative effects on my body
— jolene of arc (@okaypompeii) December 20, 2023

Moms LOVE asking if you're working as if it's not 1pm on a regular business day
— gibby (@ClaireSassman) December 20, 2023

having no tattoos is an ick ... as a man you should be bad with money and able to withstand pain
— carl marks (@whoreby_parker) December 20, 2023

I asked AI to draw the Beatles drinking the platonic ideal of a cup of tea and it's invented an additional Beatle and I can't decide which one isn't the real Beatle. pic.twitter.com/j9B6uo6Axs
— Rob Manuel 🍳 (@robmanuel) December 20, 2023

bruh u cant even wash a Tesla ☠️ pic.twitter.com/WkHK7jttFi
— bolton69420 (@bolton69420) December 20, 2023

an entire generation of people are suddenly reading again, bookshops are coming back to life, authors are getting paid

truly and from the bottom of my heart please shut the fuck up with this gatekeeping nonsense https://t.co/O531hhyDrT
— dan hett (@danhett) December 20, 2023

Rizz? You mean the old razzle dazzle???
— Mariya Alexander (@MariyaAlexander) December 20, 2023

smoked a bowl and now i can't stop thinking about mount rushmore… like why did they do that… pic.twitter.com/0BGHn7A1OB
— mar (@itsmariannnna) December 21, 2023

The ongoing state of the pandemic in four pictures: pic.twitter.com/yYPNZJi6EE
— Ryan Tennant (@ryantennant_) December 21, 2023

White people will hear a herald angel sing and say some shit like "Hark!"
— computer man (@gloomfather) December 20, 2023

In my experience the customer is hardly ever right. The customer is also usually a rat bitch
— aig (@oceanfearer) December 20, 2023

apparently a woman changed her bumble setting to conservative and got legit confessions about Jan 6th and sent them to the FBI. a slay, truly.
— santa sae! 🪩 ISO NOLA or Indy (@trytrytrytaylor) December 20, 2023

Not cold enough to keep ice. In Minnesota. In December. Call me crazy, but it almost seems as if the climate — stay with me now — is changing. https://t.co/vSUfpnNmCC
— Jess Myers (@JessRMyers) December 21, 2023

When I was a kid I'd go to hockey games and I loved the zamboni. I wanted to be a zamboni driver so bad. Later met a coworker's brother did this and he was basically like, it's everything you dreamed it could be and more, you fucked up by not becoming a zamboni driver
— ❥ 𝑪𝒐𝒇𝒇𝒆𝒆 𝑳𝒐𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒔 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝑭𝒂𝒏𝒔 ❥ (@tonyhawktruther) December 20, 2023

Who gives a shit? Kids are being fed. https://t.co/0qFR89Hf3a
— k a r l e e (@KarleeKanz) December 20, 2023

December 21

Not now honey, I'm arguing that kids should go hungry at school on the internet
— Josh (@joshnorthsouth) December 21, 2023

this should be a prize winning self-contained short story https://t.co/HSgh3SJNff
— lauren (@Very__Regular) December 21, 2023

my windshield wiper starts working when i hit the windshield wiper lever https://t.co/uOJsAzpq9Z
— beer person (@CantEverDie) December 21, 2023

if jesus didn't want me to have an IUD then he wouldn't have died posing like one
— cass city (@HeavenlyGrandpa) December 21, 2023

At #NightOfTooManyStars @jonstewart was interrupted by Donald Trump @shrimpJAJ pitching auction items on https://t.co/BuGZh8IpRj
BID ON
- Chef's dinner w/@Eagles @JasonKelce
- COURTSIDE @BrooklynNets w/@cjordanwallace
- Styling session w/@TommyHilfiger
Bidding ends TODAY 3 pm -RS pic.twitter.com/Gy4GiTa23C
— Triumph® ᴛʜᴇ ɪɴsᴜʟᴛ ᴄᴏᴍɪᴄ ᴅᴏɢ™ Headquarters💩 (@TriumphICDHQ) December 21, 2023

that's a "finished first place on the Masked Singer" kind of request big guy https://t.co/1YmNcWRAgO
— JP (@jpbrammer) December 21, 2023

pic.twitter.com/NIabiA4yDn
— evan (@esjesjesj) December 21, 2023

Ancient Greeks when you ask what is guarding the entrance to Hades pic.twitter.com/EcV6MhNsDz
— Classical Studies Memes for Hellenistic Teens (@CSMFHT) December 21, 2023

The Dodgers signing everybody to these, "I ain't got it on me right now, but when I get my income tax hit, imma get you straight" contracts.
— Roy Wood Jr- Ex Jedi (@roywoodjr) December 22, 2023

So to summarize, Mike Johnson attended a Purity Ball, pledging to control his 13-year-old's daughter's sex life until eventually handing it off to her future husband, while his son served as his porn accountability partner, because Jesus.
— Jen (@JenResistedAGN) December 21, 2023

You misspelled "Republicans." As in, the Colorado lawsuit was brought by *four Republicans* and *two independents*. Not Democrats. Jesus tap-dancing Christ, you people. https://t.co/upeZs4l5Pd
— Bob Cesca (@bobcesca_go) December 21, 2023

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: December 22, 2023

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