Bands as vintage cartoons, Jewish Space Laser Beastie Boys tunes, Ted Lasso doesn't have any goons, phones are turning us into loons, and much more from this week in funny tweets.<br>
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<b>January 29</b>

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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">why are they calling it jewish space laser when death star of david is right there</p>
— Steve Kandell (@SteveKandell) <a href="https://twitter.com/SteveKandell/status/1355211884673200130?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">January 29, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">BEASTIE BOYS: I'm the Brooklyn hazer, the man with the taser, going coast to coast with my jewish space laser</p>
— James Urbaniak (@JamesUrbaniak) <a href="https://twitter.com/JamesUrbaniak/status/1355399610387243012?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">January 30, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that's nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!</p>
— charlotte (@charlvickers) <a href="https://twitter.com/charlvickers/status/1355186258260226048?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">January 29, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">I've tweeted this before, but my ethics professor impregnated his son's girlfriend. I think about it every class</p>
— Sierra Armor 𝔼𝕣𝕚𝕤 (@unbridled_id) <a href="https://twitter.com/unbridled_id/status/1355408507172958210?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">January 30, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">"When the pandemic ends"<br>
<br>
The Pandemic: <a href="https://t.co/Ogkqg3ooCg">pic.twitter.com/Ogkqg3ooCg</a></p>
— REK☀️ (@REKSZN) <a href="https://twitter.com/REKSZN/status/1355149387983368192?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">January 29, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">2020 : people realizing time isn't real.<br>
<br>
2021 : people realizing money isn't real.</p>
— 𓂀 AvTheSurgeon𓁿 (@Avalldar) <a href="https://twitter.com/Avalldar/status/1355182583869550594?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">January 29, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">How is this guy always having such a good time and I lie awake feeling guilty about something I said in high school <a href="https://t.co/1vMiK7xpAm">https://t.co/1vMiK7xpAm</a></p>
— Casey James Salengo (@caseyJsalengo) <a href="https://twitter.com/caseyJsalengo/status/1355354869201326086?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">January 30, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<b>January 30 </b>

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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Man, how hot do you think Freud's mom was?</p>
— Rachel McCartney (@RachelMComedy) <a href="https://twitter.com/RachelMComedy/status/1355616809978900482?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">January 30, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">I feel presentation is as important as the meal itself. <a href="https://t.co/J7tXa3UPin">pic.twitter.com/J7tXa3UPin</a></p>
— Fergi (@LolaFaglana) <a href="https://twitter.com/LolaFaglana/status/1355723476070445057?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">January 31, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">My "friends from Twitter" table at my wedding is gonna be lit.</p>
— F (@xxxenshallah) <a href="https://twitter.com/xxxenshallah/status/1355561916148682752?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">January 30, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">I've been doing my parents food shopping for them since March, and today it dawned on me that they go through a full can of whipped cream every week. Theyre in their 70s and 80s and I'm afraid to ask them what the fuck is going on. 🤔</p>
— 🌊 Death Row Tull 🌊 (@dukewindsor388) <a href="https://twitter.com/dukewindsor388/status/1355699353143410688?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">January 31, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">this still funny to me <a href="https://t.co/C1LP6QGN4j">pic.twitter.com/C1LP6QGN4j</a></p>
— ethan (@ethquann) <a href="https://twitter.com/ethquann/status/1355619148764602368?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">January 30, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">How it started: How it's going: <a href="https://t.co/7WNZjsZIVd">pic.twitter.com/7WNZjsZIVd</a></p>
— KnowNothing (@KnowNothingTV) <a href="https://twitter.com/KnowNothingTV/status/1355599112243130369?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">January 30, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">wtf guy on bumble was like "I don't like bumble can we talk on snap?" I was like "I don't have snap u can message me on insta" and he was like "I don't have insta what about kik" I was like "I don't have kik what abt comments section of youtube video" and he unmatched me</p>
— Sahana Srinivasan (@sahana_srini) <a href="https://twitter.com/sahana_srini/status/1355675500228694020?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">January 31, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<b>January 31 </b>

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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">lmao this is the most 2021 rejection ever <a href="https://t.co/jkEIkNkvOI">pic.twitter.com/jkEIkNkvOI</a></p>
— Sarah Kelly (@thesarahkelly) <a href="https://twitter.com/thesarahkelly/status/1356024918203375617?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">January 31, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Anime movin thru the black community like crack in the 80s</p>
— Sanyu ☁️ waifuenergy stan acct (@tomboysanyu) <a href="https://twitter.com/tomboysanyu/status/1355791587540799490?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">January 31, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">If you loved Ted Lasso, I don't think it's because it's "low stakes," think it's because no one in the show is really an asshole and you're not being asked to empathize with a selfish person. Think on the popular comedies of the last 10 years.</p>
— Matt Debenham (@debenham) <a href="https://twitter.com/debenham/status/1355944293051973632?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">January 31, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">if unemployment benefits you wish to see, you first must solve these riddles three</p>
— mister "tea" (@chuchugoogoo) <a href="https://twitter.com/chuchugoogoo/status/1355873401110462465?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">January 31, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">you're a writer why don't you write your own tweet <a href="https://t.co/y1AHaviE45">https://t.co/y1AHaviE45</a></p>
— $V (@not_a_heather) <a href="https://twitter.com/not_a_heather/status/1355915351234654212?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">January 31, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">my side of the bed vs my bfs side of the bed <a href="https://t.co/dopdoVuPw0">pic.twitter.com/dopdoVuPw0</a></p>
— hanny styles (@hannystyles69) <a href="https://twitter.com/hannystyles69/status/1356000891875205121?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">January 31, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Ah yes. Black History Month Eve. <a href="https://t.co/ZKuAdLDdxU">pic.twitter.com/ZKuAdLDdxU</a></p>
— AB (@brhownsugaaa_) <a href="https://twitter.com/brhownsugaaa_/status/1355924804797255688?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">January 31, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Maybe it wasn't such a great idea to reduce the number of classes that teach civics, democracy and American history?</p>
— Michael Beschloss (@BeschlossDC) <a href="https://twitter.com/BeschlossDC/status/1355850877190467591?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">January 31, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<b>February 1 </b>

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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance</p>
— Duffy (@MelissatheDuffy) <a href="https://twitter.com/MelissatheDuffy/status/1356424655935004672?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">February 2, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Just a heads up, if you're getting the vaccine. My post-vax symptoms include fever, tingling, my arms are heavy, there's vomit on my sweater already, mom's spaghetti</p>
— Annam ☻ (irresponsible diabetic) (@AnnamLaughs) <a href="https://twitter.com/AnnamLaughs/status/1356410848152027136?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">February 2, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">life pre covid was so unsanitary if you actually think about it.</p>
— dizzle (@wendizzle__) <a href="https://twitter.com/wendizzle__/status/1356303543205036033?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">February 1, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Admission to heaven is 90% determined by spelling and grammar.</p>
— God (@TheTweetOfGod) <a href="https://twitter.com/TheTweetOfGod/status/1356266765278302209?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">February 1, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Just did my own taxes . I should be in jail by Friday.</p>
— THEMESS (@cityyyy___) <a href="https://twitter.com/cityyyy___/status/1356294782860075010?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">February 1, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<b>February 2 </b>

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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">every day I wake up and begin the 16 hour process of getting ready for bed</p>
— ye 🌍 (@yedoye_) <a href="https://twitter.com/yedoye_/status/1356704265331482637?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">February 2, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Who is this, the judge at my trial? <a href="https://t.co/bGFM1djZ7t">pic.twitter.com/bGFM1djZ7t</a></p>
— Chris Locke (@chrislockeworld) <a href="https://twitter.com/chrislockeworld/status/1356821030245986305?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">February 3, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">MY FRIEND JUST SEND ME THIS WTF HAHAHA <a href="https://t.co/GoamRyL2tV">pic.twitter.com/GoamRyL2tV</a></p>
— Kayjii (@kayjii) <a href="https://twitter.com/kayjii/status/1356739201568538624?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">February 2, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">If a monkey hoarded more bananas than it could eat, while most of the other monkeys starved, scientists would study that monkey to figure out what the heck was wrong with it. When humans do it, we put them on the cover of Forbes.</p>
— Nathalie Robin Justice (@welcomewords) <a href="https://twitter.com/welcomewords/status/1356724663452319744?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">February 2, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Why did everyone look so old in the 80s' and 90's? Clyde Drexler was 27 in this photo. 27. <a href="https://t.co/6xNORVJoob">pic.twitter.com/6xNORVJoob</a></p>
— MF DANNY (@YaBoyDannyBlaze) <a href="https://twitter.com/YaBoyDannyBlaze/status/1356789296901029889?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">February 3, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">so my cats an idiot <a href="https://t.co/GiBx4ua67j">pic.twitter.com/GiBx4ua67j</a></p>
— sarah 🌙 (@lunarcrossing_) <a href="https://twitter.com/lunarcrossing_/status/1356714535734956036?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">February 2, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">One of the most rewarding things I've ever done is receive a reward.</p>
— George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) <a href="https://twitter.com/MrGeorgeWallace/status/1356719451392016384?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">February 2, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Blocked, a Star Wars Story <a href="https://t.co/yWL6rWX2mK">pic.twitter.com/yWL6rWX2mK</a></p>
— The Gregory Brothers (@gregorybrothers) <a href="https://twitter.com/gregorybrothers/status/1356763309106745344?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">February 3, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="und" dir="ltr">😭😭😭😭 <a href="https://t.co/qOXp56XX0P">pic.twitter.com/qOXp56XX0P</a></p>
— 🖤 (@SouthBeachSheed) <a href="https://twitter.com/SouthBeachSheed/status/1356625365649813509?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">February 2, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="und" dir="ltr"><a href="https://t.co/beEVl5aWUj">pic.twitter.com/beEVl5aWUj</a></p>
— ben wasserman (@benwassertweet) <a href="https://twitter.com/benwassertweet/status/1356652061799178241?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">February 2, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">americans be like "foreign traditions are so weird 🤪" then give a rat named phil a holiday so he can predict the weather</p>
— first-mate prance (@bocxtop) <a href="https://twitter.com/bocxtop/status/1356600093214990337?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">February 2, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<b>February 3 </b>

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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">chrissy teigen accidentally spending $13,000 on wine is actually relatable because one time i accidentally spent tens of thousands of dollars on college tuition only to realize i'm taking classes from home</p>
— hey bestie (@lyxopk) <a href="https://twitter.com/lyxopk/status/1357131966513094656?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">February 4, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Fun fact: "Throwing money at the problem" is, indeed, a solution when the problem itself stems from underfunding.</p>
— Aidan Smith (@aidan_smx) <a href="https://twitter.com/aidan_smx/status/1357199908252520449?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">February 4, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">this headline is bursting with flavor <a href="https://t.co/0lpEHihNx3">pic.twitter.com/0lpEHihNx3</a></p>
— Garbage Ape 🦧 (@GarbageApe) <a href="https://twitter.com/GarbageApe/status/1357215165821972481?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">February 4, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">here is something that I like. it features an excellent punchline, just top-notch <a href="https://t.co/2SKkiPinOk">pic.twitter.com/2SKkiPinOk</a></p>
— Six Angry Ghosts (@sixangryghosts) <a href="https://twitter.com/sixangryghosts/status/1357023816375914498?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">February 3, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">One part of adulthood no one prepared me for: You have a phone with you at all times. The phone rings ten times a day. Every time it rings, the person calling is a robot trying to steal your social security number.</p>
— Lauren O'Neal (@laureneoneal) <a href="https://twitter.com/laureneoneal/status/1357072182590001154?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">February 3, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<b>February 4 </b>

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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Olive oil, sea salt, red pepper flakes... Oregon has (unwisely) decriminalized bein Italian <a href="https://t.co/bF6tdLOsHr">https://t.co/bF6tdLOsHr</a></p>
— maple cocaine (@maplecocaine) <a href="https://twitter.com/maplecocaine/status/1357462116907831297?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">February 4, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">My worst fear is I write a poem and I want to share it with others</p>
— raina (@quakerraina) <a href="https://twitter.com/quakerraina/status/1357467296260755456?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">February 4, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Old enough to remember when conservatives tried to cancel French fries.</p>
— Brian Murphy (@Burrite) <a href="https://twitter.com/Burrite/status/1357316469974065163?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">February 4, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">bruh why are u reverse parking at 7 am in the dunkin donuts parking lot. it's not that serious</p>
— Queen Kitten (5'5 and Officially 25) (@ElaniKitten) <a href="https://twitter.com/ElaniKitten/status/1357303547872821251?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">February 4, 2021</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet">
<p lang="en" dir="ltr">Bands re-imagined as vintage kids cartoon shows. Another self indulgent series of drawings by me. <a href="https://t.co/coymTPNDOU">pic.twitter.com/coymTPNDOU</a></p>
— Stuff_By_Mark (@The_Ren1981) <a href="https://twitter.com/The_Ren1981/status/1357310542357147648?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">February 4, 2021</a></blockquote>
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Vish Khanna

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: February 5, 2021

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