February 2
People believe this groundhog shit but not climate change 🙃
— Janelle James (The comedian) (@janellejcomic) February 2, 2019
For the past month, every time I've walked past a gas station with my girlfriend, I've turned the price of gas into a spot for a fictional Ontario FM radio station pic.twitter.com/9BvCKEQiu4
— ℳatt (@matttomic) February 2, 2019
Just installed a new security system pic.twitter.com/J67Q7ZPmWq
— 🐱 (@videocats) February 2, 2019
Have noticed a trend in movies & TV where a female character makes a joke about respecting women to be...flirty?? Wanted to get in on the fun trend! 💖 pic.twitter.com/0iHhOXdrJ6
— Rachel Wenitsky (@RachelWenitsky) February 2, 2019
February 3
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) February 4, 2019
Super Bowl halftime nipple rules feel inconsistent
— Katie Nolan (@katienolan) February 4, 2019
"fucking Jerry" pic.twitter.com/Gg55UxGGoy
— Paul Bronks (@SlenderSherbet) February 3, 2019
This halftime show is worse than when my parents got divorced.
— mark hoppus. (@markhoppus) February 4, 2019
I never learned how to torrent cuz I always had a boyfriend
— dasha (@dash_eats) February 3, 2019
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can't read your mind.
— Felicity "I kind of regret my show title" Ward (@felicityward) February 3, 2019
— who pixelates the boatmen? (@pixelatedboat) February 4, 2019
February 4
To visualize Trump's natural appearance, awhile back tried matching the rest of his artificially tanned face to the natural skin color around his eyes.
— Ron Martínez (@ronmartinez) February 4, 2019
cc: @GreatDismal pic.twitter.com/rzhvFFYofc
— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) February 4, 2019
Instead of a birthday clown, hire me to expose how bad children are at Judo. I will also do balloon animals! pic.twitter.com/AsoFYX55gG
— Diego Lopez (@thisdiegolopez) February 4, 2019
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
— Jill la Jill (@JillianKarger) February 4, 2019
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
February 5
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) February 6, 2019
Congrats to @SpeakerPelosi for inventing the "fuck you" clap. #sotu pic.twitter.com/eueoUf9IBT
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) February 6, 2019
Y'all: people are too sensitive these days
— Kyle 🌱 (@KylePlantEmoji) February 5, 2019
[200 years ago]
Man: he implied my family was not honorable so we're gonna duel at dawn about it
In high school I was placed in the English bottom class where a teacher said to my face I'd NEVER make it as a writer.
— Dave Gibson (@MrDaveGibson) February 5, 2019
Today, 25 years later, after uncountable knock-backs from almost every publisher, I'm ecstatic to finally be able to announce that teacher has died. #NeverGiveUp
Portland, the Whitest city in America, won't salt the roads during snowy days because god forbid they put seasoning on anything.
— Mohanad Elshieky (@MohanadElshieky) February 5, 2019
February 6
Praying that Beto O'Rourke runs for president and shatters the glass ceiling for frontmen of unsuccessful post-hardcore bands
— who pixelates the boatmen? (@pixelatedboat) February 7, 2019
BlacKkKlansman (2018) pic.twitter.com/X5zQti1ys5
— jaboukie (@jaboukie) February 6, 2019
February 7
My Hardball appearance was bumped due to the breaking story that the National Enquirer has dick pics of the founder of Amazon dot com
— Kevin M. Kruse (@KevinMKruse) February 8, 2019
is a sentence I never thought I'd be uttering as a historian.
Study shows 10% of US college grads think Judge Judy is on the Supreme Ct.
— John Fugelsang (@JohnFugelsang) February 7, 2019
Putin, you're trying too hard.
This just happened pic.twitter.com/qhWgY6aSdL
— Octopus/Caveman (@OctopusCaveman) February 7, 2019
February 8
You people are a bunch of worthless pieces of shit for not emotionally preparing me to see "Spiderman: Into the Spider-Verse."
— amber ruffin (@ambermruffin) February 8, 2019
A MOTHER FUCKING THREAD
I try not to put myself in a position where this is even a possibility. https://t.co/kvN0oacPU1
— John Levenstein (@johnlevenstein) February 9, 2019