Got it a sociologist or some shit another Top 5 by Dave Merritt, Jo Koy's lack of wit, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

January 5

Taking a midday nap alongside your cat is so special like yes please show me your culture
— dillard (@yurlp_official) January 5, 2024

idk who needs to hear this but THE POINT OF REUSABLE WATER BOTTLES IS TO HAVE VERY FEW OF THEM. LIKE 1 OR MAYBE 2. BECAUSE THEYRE REUSABLE. SO U DONT NEED A BUNCH OF WATER BOTTLES. BECAUSE U REUSE THEM.
— bug girl (@buggirl) January 5, 2024

mind you breaking bad is a show with actual neo-nazis in it but surely the wife who is a little concerned about her meth dealing husband is the problem https://t.co/EUK6m1Xug9
— ellie schnitt (@holy_schnitt) January 5, 2024

So Clarence Thomas gets to decide whether the insurrection his wife helped plot was really an insurrection? pic.twitter.com/sSGv54qxq8
— Mark Jacob (@MarkJacob16) January 6, 2024

Dave Chappelle reminds me of Steve Jobs. Maybe you're a genius, but if everyone calls you a genius, to your face, for 20 years?? It'll fuck up your brain. At the end, Steve Jobs thought he could cure his own cancer. And now Chappelle thinks he's a sociologist or some shit.
— alice hamilton (@AliceRHamilton) January 5, 2024

He looks like every member of the Jedi High Council mashed together https://t.co/p5sZSyVa4c
— Cold Blooded Oldhead (@composeyrself_) January 6, 2024

Working on Epstein jokes in Wisconsin gets pretty Wisconsin. pic.twitter.com/SrM7lmyehn
— Sam Morril (@sammorril) January 5, 2024

Trump says random people ask him "how do you put on your pants?" He says he doesn't like to think about it because if he thinks about it, he won't want to do it pic.twitter.com/BBLm8DvohL
— Acyn (@Acyn) January 6, 2024

Man who still hasn't gotten over losing an election wants shooting victims to "get over it" https://t.co/D8iqOP86bs
— Ben Wexler (@mrbenwexler) January 6, 2024

If my kid was killed in a school shooting and you told me "you just have to get over it" I would rip your esophagus out through your neck. Just sayin'
— Pete Dominick (@PeteDominick) January 6, 2024

Taco Bell Math will usher in a new wave of class consciousness and pave the way for the revolution https://t.co/mEROjt8Wh2
— W.E.B. Fucc Boi 𓅄 (@biscuitsjoe) January 5, 2024

1st day as a poop coach. wish me luck! pic.twitter.com/3v8Ko63H1m
— Dr. Doug 🥼💊💉🧪 (@RaptorBreath) January 5, 2024

I can't believe tomorrow is white Juneteenth.
— Camille Corbett (@TheWittyGirl) January 5, 2024

January 6

Thank you for alerting us to the plagiarism in your wife's work and for making clear that this tweet refers to another article, separate from yesterday's article about plagiarism in the PhD dissertation by your wife, Neri Oxman. https://t.co/akiYUHNYn8
— Jacob Silverman 🔋 (@SilvermanJacob) January 5, 2024

I rule. https://t.co/nEdAWVkftB
— Dave Hill (@mrdavehill) January 6, 2024

Today marks the solemn anniversary of the patriot who tased his own balls until smoke came out his ears like looney tunes, please be respectful in this time 🙏 pic.twitter.com/vzVYegmVXi
— Thembo (@OnlyAWorldAway) January 6, 2024

January 6th was also crazy because we watched them pull out military grade equipment and tear gas for protesting police brutality against black folks all summer, but them folks pulled up to the CAPITOL and whooped police ass then went to TGI Fridays
— Karate Skool (@KarateSkool) January 6, 2024

This shit will never not be funny to me. pic.twitter.com/ODca7f66lT
— De'Vion Hinton (@LordDexHinton) January 6, 2024

this was the best January 6th post pic.twitter.com/Oguv7wLbLg
— A-100 gecs (@PinstripeBungle) January 6, 2024

3 years later and it's still amazing to me that one of the dumbest mfr's on the planet tried to overthrow our constitutional republic on live TV after advertising it on social media for weeks and is not only a free man but the lead GOP candidate for '24.
— Wesley Clark (@WesClarkjr) January 6, 2024

This you? https://t.co/TsJvzBZ2yz pic.twitter.com/Rtuw5RFeu2
— No Lie with Brian Tyler Cohen (@NoLieWithBTC) January 6, 2024

Don't fall for these charlatans. They are lying to you—and even they know it. https://t.co/ikJb2KD3xd pic.twitter.com/J5q04taEZq
— Heath Mayo (@HeathMayo) January 6, 2024

my dad ate burgers with two krispy kreme donuts as the buns but suddenly his body was a temple when it came to the covid vax
— bri love (@mclovenxoxo) January 6, 2024

It's crazy that for an entire decade every movie was like, "You know what's good for conveying horniness? The saxophone."
— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) January 7, 2024

TOP 5 WORST HORSE SONGS:

5. Devil With a Blue Dressage
4. Temporary Secretariat
3. Seattle Sloop John B.
2. TIE: Tiny Northern Dancer /Seabiscuit of Love
1. Mr. Ed Is Dead
— Dave Merritt (@GoldenSeals) January 6, 2024

Just for the record. If you're going to have a mental breakdown, I'd rather you jump naked into a Bass Pro Shop aquarium than shoot up innocent people..
— 🔸️The.Angry.Ostrich. (@DaAngryOstrich) January 7, 2024

bass pro shop guy's wife speaks out pic.twitter.com/u1QKn5WUTn
— blaire erskine (@blaireerskine) January 7, 2024

So…white people just attack on January 6. Got it. 📝 https://t.co/2x7LNCIlCm
— B² (@NegroLips420) January 6, 2024

Spanking new Boeing planes have nosedived out of the sky, their fuselages have blown out mid flight, and Boeing has admitted to defrauding the FAA on their safety — AND YET the only person at Boeing who has been prosecuted is literally a technician. This is a mockery of justice. https://t.co/KyOMDBGVol pic.twitter.com/k8VqHoLiJF
— Basel Musharbash (@musharbash_b) January 6, 2024

A lot of people were quick to dismiss this as baseless, but copy-pasting from Wikipedia is worse than what Gay did: https://t.co/XrLeZ7Mf28
— Thomas Chatterton Williams (@thomaschattwill) January 6, 2024

January 7

This still makes me audibly laugh lol it's the most obnoxious thing I've ever seen https://t.co/LPZQZlvxgd
— Hispanic Shaun King (@okimstillhungry) January 7, 2024

i love when a restaurant's bathroom is in the basement. it's like ok brb i'm gonna go explore the catacombs
— chase (@_chase_____) January 7, 2024

Hey dipshits, why does Donald Trump keep promising to pardon all the January 6th insurrectionists if they were all ANTIFA and undercover FBI agents?
— Liam Nissan™ (@theliamnissan) January 7, 2024

Somebody tell the 7 Fishes episode that The Bear is a comedy
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) January 8, 2024

Nominating James Marsden playing James Marsden into a deeply stacked acting category is funnier than anything Jo Koy said tonight. pic.twitter.com/dSoPgf1xMz
— Graeme Games 🆖 (@graeme_games) January 8, 2024

Cillian Murphy's commitment to openly hating every single second he is around other human beings is honestly inspiring.
— @alishagrauso.bsky.social (@AlishaGrauso) January 8, 2024

This is a TERRIBLE gig, this audience sucks, they're famous, nervous and humorless and 10 days is genuinely not enough time to write about 500 jokes, which is how many you need to find 15 suitable jokes. https://t.co/TMmZLFqCMB
— Laurie Kilmartin (@anylaurie16) January 8, 2024

So far Jo Koy has insulted Taylor Swift, the woman responsible for the highest-grossing music tour EVER, and the women responsible for the highest grossing film in Warner Bros history — Barbie. This year, of all the years. Reductive, sexist, and cheap. Hate it. #GoldenGlobes
— Michelle Kinney (@MichelleKinney) January 8, 2024

"I was sent down to see about these Golden Globes jokes. See who's making them." pic.twitter.com/W9yvKuwQfi
— Barry Hertz (@HertzBarry) January 8, 2024

Never invite Jo Koy to one of these again please. So, so awful. pic.twitter.com/Oqhpeiosp5
— Sethsfilmreviews (@sethsfilmreview) January 8, 2024

emma speaking for everyone when we say jo koy is an asshole and horrible comedian.

pic.twitter.com/rtLN76l3Vw
— cristina ☾ (@cristinasgarden) January 8, 2024

January 8

jo koy's publicist this morning pic.twitter.com/7TImyU7xDO
— anne t donahue (@annetdonahue) January 8, 2024

I would like to thank #KristenWelker for providing me with video that I can play for my students, from now until the end of time, to show them how NOT to conduct an on-air interview. @TheOnion could not have done this better.#journalism https://t.co/T409MTEoDl
— Rich Shumate (@The_Shumater) January 8, 2024

Pretty sure they belong to whomever is hosting Meet the Press. https://t.co/sUDwCo3XIQ
— Russ McNamara (@McNamaraWDET) January 8, 2024

[not fully understanding what I'm agreeing to and perhaps not even hearing it correctly] yes
— JP (@jpbrammer) January 8, 2024

DEI is the new CRT which was the new WOKE which replaced THUG which actually means BLACK.
— Nagatha Christie (@WOlookingitup) January 8, 2024

you don't need to go to harvard for that https://t.co/a0BzWxXoUU
— broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) January 9, 2024

What the fuck are you talking about? Your wife has a Wikipedia page, interviewed with the NYT and the Financial Times, done TEDTalks, published in media like CNN and fostered public attention. She's a public figure. Your plagiarism crusade just backfired. It's your fault. https://t.co/3uOuQkCCAP
— Kevin Baum (@kevinbaum013) January 8, 2024

liberals be like, "i can tolerate a genocidal occupation, but i draw the line at being RUDE in public" and be deadass serious
— 5hahem aka Dr. Durag (@shaTIRED) January 8, 2024

Chick-Fil-A Announces They Will Only Serve Chickens Conceived In Wedlock https://t.co/V4Kp0gdSLN
— The Onion (@TheOnion) January 8, 2024

No one:

Kevin Durant: pic.twitter.com/fSLRnzscgI
— spencer🦕 (@spen______) January 8, 2024

https://t.co/6Dt57Bv8vq pic.twitter.com/G31uElFRif
— Tristan (@AyoTristan) January 8, 2024

This @vulture headline is funnier than anything this miserable hack Jo Koy said while "hosting" last night pic.twitter.com/06IKoosG7p
— Maxwell "Swell" Haddad (@cinemaxwell) January 8, 2024

January 9

Imagine you're Jo Koy and you just had a nightmare set on the biggest stage of ur life and then this dude comes to support u pic.twitter.com/i16eHjPw00
— stacy (@stacycay) January 9, 2024

Again: charging for parking at hospitals remains one of the most diabolically greedy things I can imagine existing
— David Dennis Jr. (@DavidDTSS) January 9, 2024

"When one door closes, another opens."

— Boeing
— Stone Cold Jane Austen (@AbbyHiggs) January 9, 2024

Did that lemonade stop killing people or did we just give up on it like with most of our public health infrastructure?
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) January 9, 2024

So small business owners, if you want to keep the bigots and jerks out here's a great idea. pic.twitter.com/gZOlmbH6cM
— Warren (@swd2) January 9, 2024

My extremely private wife, who has spent years doing extensive interviews, giving speeches, and even had a photoshoot with the New York Times, is intensely private. https://t.co/CSGseRCjyL pic.twitter.com/O7sU0BQGAz
— Amanda 🐢 (@noturtlesoup17) January 10, 2024

I have read every single court filing, pleading, and briefing filed by Trump in all four criminal cases and NOT ONE argues that he's innocent.

In every single one he says he did it, but that he's above the law.
— Mueller, She Wrote (@MuellerSheWrote) January 10, 2024

I dunno why everyone is so concerned about a hypothetical in which a president orders Seal Team Six to kill a political rival, it's not like the GOP's current leading candidate is calling his enemies "vermin" and promising to be a dictator "on day one" or something.
— Matthew Gertz (@MattGertz) January 9, 2024

January 10

Some of you took livestock medication, and it shows.
— John Collins (@Logically_JC) January 10, 2024

Dr Anthony Fauci, a renowned scientist who spent five decades researching and fighting global pandemics, is going on Pat McAfee next week to break down the New York Jets offensive scheme for @AaronRodgers12.

Do you see how fucking stupid that sounds?
— BadgerStew (@BadgerStew) January 10, 2024

"Training all day"

MFr still has creases in his pants and there's fruit snack bags on the ground. https://t.co/Vzhm9KleFe
— SorryHat 𝕬𝖙𝖙𝖔𝖗𝖓𝖊𝖞 𝖆𝖙 𝕲𝖍𝖔𝖘𝖙 𝕷𝖆𝖜📓 (@sorry_hat) January 10, 2024

My heads gone at that guy tweeting for months that he could hear Yiddish under his floor boards so twitter called him schizophrenic and made him a character and months later underground tunnels homing Hasidic Jews was found where he lives. I've never seen vindication like this.
— Rach 🍉 (@raccoonstansv2) January 10, 2024

New Yorkers remain undefeated https://t.co/ccAJvKKWDu pic.twitter.com/TJwPbYmh47
— Read Let This Radicalize You (@JoshuaPHilll) January 11, 2024

The Dark Night Rises (Nolan, 2012) https://t.co/tDitR22v4G
— Neil Bahadur (@NeilBahadur) January 10, 2024

What I'm learning is that men, when left to their own devices, will just dig https://t.co/0B7bjhpSd5
— Calvinball Congress (@emericanjezebel) January 10, 2024

Note to James Comer:

When you're chairing a pointless hearing that goes completely off the rails, do NOT cover your eyes with your hand.

It'll be the main photo for every news story about what a joke you've become. pic.twitter.com/ymmDJpwZfF
— TrumpsTaxes (@TrumpsTaxes) January 10, 2024

Wow. Raskin spits facts here 👇

"Trump converted the presidency into an instrument for self-enrichment ... it was a money-making operation ... and yet out of some misguided partisan loyalty, you're gonna stick with him ... you guys have been taken over by an absolute con man" pic.twitter.com/eyoX6geqkA
— Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) January 10, 2024

This was genius on Hunter Biden's part.

He offered to speak publicly, Republicans refused to let him.

Instead, they let Marjorie Taylor Greene spew nonsense, so he walked out. https://t.co/aeK6h9QdGd
— No Lie with Brian Tyler Cohen (@NoLieWithBTC) January 10, 2024

January 11

anyone wanna hang this weekend i'm grilling on my deck pic.twitter.com/MeyjDGN9W2
— Warren Commission Test Skull (@conzmoleman) January 11, 2024

Using slurs like "email job" only betrays the fact that you don't understand the full extent of Microsoft Office Suite and the labor it entails
— I'm nice and normal (@InternetHippo) January 11, 2024

imagine you're an elephant, minding your own business, thinking elephant thoughts. and then the cornucopia truck breaks down right next to you. what a day. what a day to be an elephant https://t.co/qfplf1j1vz
— michael wave (@SzMarsupial) January 11, 2024

I can never log off pic.twitter.com/roxevLQN9n
— ava 🇵🇸 (@westcoastwinter) January 11, 2024

We worked on this story for seven years....and he just...said it on live TV https://t.co/aF3XmtXfWA
— Citizens for Ethics (@CREWcrew) January 11, 2024

It's pretty stunningly hilarious that Trump supporters were like "Impeach Biden 'cuz we're gonna learn he took money from China and he's gonna be on the Epstein list!" and then within a week of each other we learned Trump took money from China and was on the Epstein list
— Ben Wexler (@mrbenwexler) January 11, 2024

Trump says AG James is the reason why Exxon left New York and moved to Texas. Exxon moved to Texas in 1989 pic.twitter.com/EmBfetgznM
— Acyn (@Acyn) January 11, 2024

Trump is blaming New York AG Letitia James for Exxon moving to Texas in 1989, but here are the facts.

When Exxon moved its offices to Texas in 1989, Letitia James was in college.

Let's not forget that former Exxon Mobil CEO Rex Tillerson called Trump "a fucking moron."
— Alex Cole (@acnewsitics) January 11, 2024

this republican primary is getting wild!! pic.twitter.com/3WQwKOjNnV
— beer person (@CantEverDie) January 11, 2024

this movie's luck needs to be studied because they almost had gal gadot and amy schumer…like imagine the pr disaster ?? https://t.co/1JNXm3mteK
— Hurt CoPain (@SaeedDiCaprio) January 11, 2024

Football will be illegal in all 50 states after they study his and AB's brain https://t.co/MyhmSdLNeN
— jerin. (@jerinlatrey) January 11, 2024

Commercials are so creepy. Like you really got a bunch of people together and made a little movie about a sandwich to try and get my twelve dollars
— Fucked Up (@FUCKEDUP) January 12, 2024

JK Rowling naming an Irish character in Harry Potter pic.twitter.com/zQv3zDnjkV
— Thembo (@OnlyAWorldAway) January 12, 2024

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: January 12, 2024

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