Ready to commit tax fraud, meeting with God, I hate my job, we'll miss you Bob, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

January 7

pic.twitter.com/1LvQ5eFDml
— Josh (@TeeusMagseus) January 7, 2022

Ayye I been wheezing at this for a hour pic.twitter.com/AeaODy31qM
— Detective Drip (@Mojojojocousin) January 8, 2022

smells like pic.twitter.com/JFXdFJrtPp
— Sarah Morgan (@mssarahmorgan) January 7, 2022

I don't often get sick but when I do I instantly become a frail victorian child asking mother for permission to be carried into the garden to see the sun one last time before the consumption takes hold
— alyssugh (@alystentothis) January 8, 2022

old people were right when they decided putting a blanket over your legs in a chair is one of lifes great pleasures
— emi fisher (#julesto1k) (@emi_f1sher) January 8, 2022

they need to cast batista in a wes anderson movie. forget dune and james bond. i want that man perfectly centered in a frame eating a croissant
— Olive Rae Brinker (@olivebrinker) January 8, 2022

fascinating, please tell me more pic.twitter.com/elgW2sfBsc
— kim (@nymphicusvirgo) January 7, 2022

thinking of a tweet that will get 4 likes pic.twitter.com/1bArsl4F37
— ryan kahl (@IdiotRyanKahl) January 8, 2022

snowpy pic.twitter.com/6KMOLVhgMn
— bjönka (@akisaries) January 7, 2022

January 8

Not a lie tho pic.twitter.com/UhRQGdsLgo
— Carlos Brandt (@CarlosBrandt) January 8, 2022

Monday you can stay in bed
Tuesday Wednesday stay in bed
Thursday you can stay in bed
It's Friday
I'm in bed pic.twitter.com/1rTR7FGVHR
— cuter mcgavin (@CrappyFumes) January 8, 2022

Shout out to sneezes, the orgasm of the face.
— George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) January 8, 2022

All of my movie recommendations to people pic.twitter.com/G3z0yJfEN8
— Séamus Malekafzali (@Seamus_Malek) January 9, 2022

well julia louis-dreyfus wins. what a MEMORY pic.twitter.com/jBj45OXoGp
— David Mack (@davidmackau) January 9, 2022

I will personally pay for her divorce lawyer https://t.co/QVfNAR1vhu
— Simone (@SimoneRacanelli) January 8, 2022

Guys pic.twitter.com/yGLZChDcrG
— Quantico ACAB (@Quanty_J) January 9, 2022

I think the original was deleted but I think of this tweet at least once a week pic.twitter.com/LYEvzYGlsS
— ♥mark magark♥ (@markedly) January 8, 2022

Shout out to bidets, the water fountains of the anus.
— George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) January 8, 2022

pic.twitter.com/o7H3HCkY80
— Gestalt of Rivia ✨🗡 (@horroraborealis) January 8, 2022

the guy downstairs is learning the bass part from Sabotage and i guess in some small way i am too
— blaine capatch (@blainecapatch) January 8, 2022

Gonna be hell when LinkedIn finds out about this tree. https://t.co/VElGB60dn2
— Nick Walker (@nickw84) January 8, 2022

Truly impressive how a character with very limited facial expressions can so clearly display murderous intent https://t.co/xadAXh9bYo
— pale, spherical, full of bullets 🌸 (@pinkxav) January 8, 2022

they got elmo doing the kubrick stare 😭 https://t.co/1mTAxHDAE3
— rosy (@rosynthe) January 9, 2022

January 9

We can play against Zoe and Rocco lol https://t.co/oXLqL13dPZ
— NaomiOsaka大坂なおみ (@naomiosaka) January 9, 2022

Still one of the funniest things that has happened on twitter pic.twitter.com/vStkQvJ5Ou
— Joe Clark🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿☭ (@ScottishCommie) January 9, 2022

Every day is a struggle on this app pic.twitter.com/vlZ0njl4nz
— Pat Brennan (@pattbrennan8) January 9, 2022

That's how effective wearing a mask is https://t.co/2z9z6tj5oR
— Dondrè (@Boss_Emotions) January 9, 2022

pic.twitter.com/LARAjzuzX5
— atrophy wife 🎀 (@zuza_real) January 9, 2022

BOB SAGET YOU THE BEST DAD ON THE EARTH. MY HEART BROKEN FOREVER
— The Iron Sheik (@the_ironsheik) January 10, 2022

You kids will never understand how Bob Saget used to basically host YouTube on tv, and we had to wait for one half hour on a Sunday night to all watch it together.
— itsonlyzach (@itsonlyzach) January 10, 2022

great time to rewatch this https://t.co/8SDi1MVDRK
— andy™ (@andylevy) January 10, 2022

God please stop killing the people who made Dirty Work
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) January 10, 2022

pic.twitter.com/aj7XfmZrSF
— music struggles (@musicstruggles1) January 9, 2022

My wife just finished an 19 hour shift at the ER and now I'm watching her pull our car out of the lake so she can get to her 2nd job as a teacher. I'm gonna make her a smoothie. I'm so proud of her pic.twitter.com/RwQqIKmQdT
— MattRitter.eth (@mattritter1) January 9, 2022

it makes zero sense to me that my iCloud can ever be full??? it is not real??? nothing is??? just let me put more stuff in there
— danielle weisberg (@danielleweisber) January 9, 2022

Me, logging on to work on Monday pic.twitter.com/8CrevtF3Rk
— 70s Sci-Fi Art (@70sscifi) January 10, 2022

January 10

Hey! You know what! In 2022 I am using exclamation points at the end of every email sentence! I don't care if it looks like I'm unhinged! I am! Warmest regards!!!
— Kait Feldmann (@kaitfeldmann) January 10, 2022

Hi boss sorry I'm late, we're calendar year 3 into a pandemic and none of this shit matters
— Michael sucks (@Home_Halfway) January 10, 2022

hi I'm Kendall Roy and this is, uh, the fucking Disney channel
— Casey Rosario (@caseyrosewrites) January 11, 2022

Even after a 12 hour shift aboard the Death Star, shooting absolutely everything except her intended target, my wife still has the ener—pic.twitter.com/RI88hRrTXv
— Ben McLean (@HeyBenMcLean) January 10, 2022

pic.twitter.com/6yJQBruyEl
— tiktok comments (@commentsooc) January 11, 2022

Police say "don't text and drive" first of all ya'll be on a whole laptop
— JAYY_ 💅🏾 (@Jaytheofficialx) January 10, 2022

"You should trust your immune system!" My immune system thinks peanuts are dangerous
— Roxi Horror 💀🌸 (@roxiqt) January 10, 2022

If "vulnerable people are going to die," is the government response to a pandemic, you already know their climate policy.
— Benjamin Perry (@FaithfullyBP) January 10, 2022

Hey man. When I'm dead and gone, don't post any pictures of us chilling. Just post me. It's my day.
— Al Woker (@davehelem) January 10, 2022

JFK was wrong please start asking what your country can do for you
— Sanjee Baksh, PhD (@S__Baksh) January 10, 2022

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
— James Caan (@James_Caan) January 11, 2022

"They're taking our jobs and bringing drugs into our country" well that's convenient because I love drugs and I hate my job
— scooter (bottom 0.1%) (@scootergonscoot) January 10, 2022

January 11

I'd survive scream bc i don't answer the phone ever
— brian 𖤐 (@briantheruller) January 12, 2022

a summoning circle:

🕯 🕯
🕯 🕯
literally
🕯 any kind 🕯
of good news
🕯 🕯
🕯 🕯
— R.B. Thorne (@ThornsAbound) January 12, 2022

His name is Godfrey. But I did panic for a minute. pic.twitter.com/SPe4pnD8x9
— llama in a tux (@LlamaInaTux) January 11, 2022

Is there a polite way to ask "what is the purpose of this meeting and why do I need to be included?"
— professional internet user (@quidditch424) January 11, 2022

This is the energy I'm bringing into 2022 #favoritenewmusic 🎤 🐱 pic.twitter.com/2DaFHY0I03
— C. Lavender (@clavendr) January 11, 2022

my pets fr be eating the same meal everyday, zero complaints
— T 🎯 (@CodeineFridge) January 11, 2022

I unfollow people I don't know for the smallest shit on IG. Some girl posted a ultrasound that had a plane in the belly and said I'm expecting more trips this year. Yeah she gota go
— Back to Chris (@CastlesWay) January 11, 2022

pic.twitter.com/gJpxEeWryS
— President-Elect Toguro (@ComradeToguro) January 11, 2022

pic.twitter.com/ZvybSPgsqo
— POOPSCRUFFIN4U (@POOPSCRUFFIN4U) January 12, 2022

found a guy pic.twitter.com/ZAvUEAAUo9
— James Woods (@embeeonhere) January 12, 2022

January 12

Healthcare should be free for coffee workers https://t.co/TRpmiVswnX
— Harrison Kalodimos, MD 🌹 (@HKalodimos) January 12, 2022

Throwback to when my Dad forgot I'm a Doctor pic.twitter.com/ij0ZsBttZk
— Khalifa (@khalifaa_974) January 12, 2022

Someone finally got our IT guys to clean their office and pic.twitter.com/XCl1fwkIm0
— garbitch (@dulce_muse) January 12, 2022

listen to He-Man pic.twitter.com/o9HyeQRU8r
— DJ Brian Emo🏴💀🏴 (@Max_Damage01) January 12, 2022

OPINION: The Pandemic Made Me Realize I Don't Like My Children. Here's Why I Am Making This Your Problem Now.
— Communist Recruiter (@itzkovitzing) January 12, 2022

"Omicron's mild. Let it rip." One month later: "Why isn't my trash getting picked up? Where's the produce at the grocery store? Why did the clinic cancel my biopsy appt? Why hasn't my kid's teacher come back to school? I demand [cough] service!"
— wendy cronin (@WendyACronin) January 12, 2022

emily dickinson really wrote to sue "i tore open your letter and licked the envelope's seal for any lingering taste of you" and historians thought they were just friends
— rosé (@fairydreamys) January 12, 2022

when the foot locker employee finds an extra pair of the sold out shoes for you in the back pic.twitter.com/8SUqpsLmRO
— Nice Guy.eth 🔺 (🗑,🗑) (@SortaBad) January 13, 2022

"……*We* am weed…?" pic.twitter.com/yZlDWedCeD
— Joshua 3im0n (@JoshuaSimonSays) January 13, 2022

megan fox and MGK getting married, lisa bonet and jason momoa getting divorced, me getting high and going to bed, big night for everyone
— jourdain searles (@judysquirrels) January 13, 2022

January 13

If Pete Davidson starts dating Jason Momoa he is officially the GOAT.
— Josh Adam Meyers (@JoshAdamMeyers) January 13, 2022

Your card declining when you know you have money is a very funny experience🤣🤣🤣
— 𝓬 (@sindhexx) January 13, 2022

Method acting doesn't impress me "awww wahhhh I'm stuck being my character" your job is literally to only be that guy sometimes
— Dan Sheehan (@ItsDanSheehan) January 14, 2022

I love the James Bond race war https://t.co/voPKo0fcWn
— Sarah Hagi (@KindaHagi) January 13, 2022

Love that the punishment to a royal for being a sex criminal is become a regular human
— Jordan Foisy (@JordanFoisy) January 13, 2022

The coronavirus crying and hugging its lawyer https://t.co/oZlpfZHu9s
— I'm a streamer now (@InternetHippo) January 13, 2022

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: January 14, 2022

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