Chewbacca got hot, a guy just sat there as others fought, Josh Gondelman's wrong number shoots their shot, Amazon didn't really donate a lot and much more from this week in funny tweets.

January 11

"I tried to tell y'all." - Henrietta Lacks https://t.co/TKJBKGJAzx
— Eric Haywood (@EricHaywood) January 12, 2020

In Iran if a 12-year-old girl is raped and impregnated by her father, she must carry the baby to term, or be thrown in prison for life. Wait, sorry, no. That's Alabama.
— Mohamad Safa (@mhdksafa) January 11, 2020

i cannot believe
I CANNOT BELIEVE
I C A N N O T B E L I E V E
that some of you out there spent $75 on a fucking candle that smells like Gwyneth Paltrow's vagina

this goddamn candle IS SOLD OUT
all of you need a time out
you're all fired
JAIL TIME
TIME FOR JAIL
— Elizabeth May (@_ElizabethMay) January 11, 2020

No, I was not aware Steve-O was the host of the greatest show in the history of television. pic.twitter.com/0ZxIaP5hPt
— Blattman (@davidblattman) January 12, 2020

the guy in the grey coat just sits there and doesn't move the entire time incredible https://t.co/MzsR7bOQn6
— jordan (@JordanUhl) January 12, 2020

January 12

pic.twitter.com/XPXhkKg51R
— Gwdihŵ 🦉 (@youwouldknow) January 12, 2020

I got absolutely fucking owned by my brother's 21 year old girlfriend yesterday pic.twitter.com/tFeI32h96n
— Samantha Ruddy 👩‍🍳 (@samlymatters) January 12, 2020

Idiot roommate just washed my cast iron underwear. 6 years of seasoning down the drain.
— MAN SEEKING LUNCH (@shutupmikeginn) January 13, 2020

I'm concerned that you're in February already https://t.co/K7TfnBDqYg
— A💲I (@Tak_KingCole) January 12, 2020

This guy who texted my number by accident has an unbelievable commitment to shooting his shot. pic.twitter.com/58psRClGch
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) January 12, 2020

Lmmfaooooo pic.twitter.com/LtJQEjG7LY
— a s i a . 🍯 (@___Age) January 12, 2020

Ordered an Uber and forgot my headphones at home 😒 pic.twitter.com/nJ33WubWu7
— AJ MARROQUIN (@ajdeluxe_) January 12, 2020

If anyone has a right to be mad at Harry and Meghan it's the people of Sussex, who have been left leaderless without their Duke and who are now defenseless against incursions from Hampshire and Kent.
— anne victoria clark (@annevclark) January 12, 2020

Lol. Metallica gave $750,000. https://t.co/l45HkUKhIK
— Thick Cave & the Bad Tweets™ (@TimDuffy) January 12, 2020

Here for doctors educating people about vaccines on TikTokhttps://t.co/tY2A5INEoH pic.twitter.com/IVyD7xpihP
— Yashar Ali 🐘 (@yashar) January 13, 2020

January 13

ATMs be having $4 withdrawal fees talking about "cover your pin" mf you the thief
— Pre K ❄️ (@stayfrea_) January 14, 2020

fellas, is it gay to have a wife? https://t.co/aQyuaBmj0X
— JP (@jpbrammer) January 14, 2020

CHRISTIANS: this verse in the old testament says X
JEWS: It doesn't say that
CHRISTIAN: maybe. Who knows?
JEWS: we do. That's not in the Hebrew
CHRISTIAN: no one knows what the original language means
JEWS: Yes we do. We can read it.
CHRISTIAN: It's lost forever
— Just Say Christian (@JustSayXtian) January 14, 2020

January 14

MODERATOR: Senator Sanders, can a woman be president?

BERNIE SANDERS: A woman has as much right to be president as she does to be a drummer for The White Stripes

MODERATOR: Touche pic.twitter.com/rGFrihaozb
— Matt Oswalt (@MattOswaltVA) January 15, 2020

The fact that the Oscars doesn't have a host doesn't bode well for Parasite. pic.twitter.com/uR171iZ16x
— Keaton Patti (@KeatonPatti) January 14, 2020

The pitch vs the first draft pic.twitter.com/EVCg7fyLJi
— Hannah Yoest (@ruthyoest) January 14, 2020

Fun fact: Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel while on his back cause once they're on their shell a turtle can't flip over
— Steeve again (@steeve_again) January 14, 2020

Weezer: Weezer (1994) https://t.co/Mc7ApUXdWo
— Andrew Rose Gregory (@arosegregory) January 14, 2020

CNN covers Bernie like the Daily Bugle does Spider-Man
— luke . (@lukeoneil47) January 15, 2020

I'm reading the leaked Colin Trevorrow draft for Episode IX. It's much better than what JJ Abrams produced pic.twitter.com/EaxWWS8Cig
— pixelatedboat aka "mr tweets" (@pixelatedboat) January 14, 2020

January 15

chumbawamba: we sing 'i get knocked down but i get up again' 4 times

british public: ok

chumbawamba: then list alcoholic drinks

british public: good

chumbawamba: eh...then sing danny boy for no reason

british public: this will be the anthem of our nation
— Ross Sayers (@Sayers33) January 15, 2020

It's been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I'm going there in person tomorrow to see what's really going on.
— Tony Starch (@_CakeBawse) January 15, 2020

Going on Jeopardy in 2004 was just a long con to someday hit up Alanis Morissette for free stuff. https://t.co/FVOws3gbKj
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) January 16, 2020

I'm feeling a little smug that he sued my little 900 follower account for calling him a treasonous cowpoke #CalledIt #TreasonousCowpoke #LevRemembers https://t.co/HBXmGt6r5z
— Devin Nunes' cow 🐮 (@DevinCow) January 16, 2020

January 16

I went on a date with a young woman who didn't wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she's well because I wasn't sticking around for that.
— Smoke (@terrill) January 16, 2020

"I don't need any more books. I need to finish the books I have."

Sees new book:

pic.twitter.com/2SuoiV54FG
— Josh Reavis (@joshreavis) January 16, 2020

My favorite part of having sex with my boyfriend is waiting for his 17 roommates to go to bed so I can march my cum drenched body to their shared single bathroom and hover over a pube covered toilet
— Harper-Rose (@HarperRoseD) January 17, 2020

Fun Fact: If you say "I don't know Lev Parnas" out loud, his lawyer will tweet out a photo of you posing with Parnas.
— Rex Huppke (@RexHuppke) January 17, 2020

January 17

Obama: 8 yrs

0 indictments
0 lawsuits
0 rape accusations
0 articles of impeachment

Trump: 3 yrs

34 indictments
3500 lawsuits
22 rape accusations
2 articles of impeachment
— Bishop Talbert Swan (@TalbertSwan) January 17, 2020

Attached is the first page of a five page letter in which the lawyer for @DevinNunes threatens that Rep Nunes will sue me.

Attached is my response. pic.twitter.com/bWAqdRhq97
— Ted Lieu (@tedlieu) January 17, 2020

Trust fall... pic.twitter.com/tOQUPkIECU
— Rex Chapman🏇🏼 (@RexChapman) January 17, 2020

Cashier: and would you like to donate to childrens cancer research?

Me: not today

Cashier: say it

Me: what?

Cashier: say "I dont want to donate to childrens cancer research"

Me: ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿᵗ ʷᵃⁿᵗ ᵗᵒ ᵈᵒⁿᵃᵗᵉ ᵗᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ ʳᵉˢᵉᵃʳᶜʰ

Cashier: now spit in my face
— Kyle 🌱 (@KylePlantEmoji) January 17, 2020

Trump's Space Force troops wearing camo in space is perhaps the strongest evidence yet that Idiocracy is a documentary https://t.co/WG1Yo7fAIb
— Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) January 18, 2020

walked outside and seen my maintenance man squaring up w a opossum 😂 pic.twitter.com/EAiYG4wzoC
— TERA 🤰🏾 (@cvtera) January 17, 2020

THIS GUY RULES. Imagine the other mold-covered 18th century dumb-dumbs looking at this guy having a ball with paint and they're all going "You're not allowed to do fun art, prithee and thouforth" https://t.co/bzuUqvcPsK
— Paul F. Tompkins (@PFTompkins) January 17, 2020

conservative lecturer DESTROYS sjw college student pic.twitter.com/QmrIaqsonq
— JEREMY (@jeremylevick) January 17, 2020

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: January 17, 2020

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