A prospective buyer, a trophy from the Good Liars, having a shotgun backfire, Better Call Saul joins The Wire, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

January 12

I received three job rejections today and it's just like... am I not my grandma's special boy to these people
— not using my name anymore bc it's cooler that way (@yeahnahaye_) January 12, 2024

One year anniversary of the Boston accent heard around the world https://t.co/GcD9dbvlUu
— Ellen Fleming (@EllenFlem) January 13, 2024

his ass is not making leek and potato soup pic.twitter.com/NLsebfE2L7
— brenna (@kittyspecialist) January 13, 2024

ok but this is very funny https://t.co/5ssXw7O0ap
— Andrew Lawrence (@ndrew_lawrence) January 13, 2024

fellas is it creepy to be a good dad? pic.twitter.com/EElNYe6LxM
— internet hall of fame (@InternetH0F) January 12, 2024

growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend's house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the fuck is gum-gum
— soul nate (@MNateShyamalan) January 12, 2024

I really feel we don't bully Americans enough for wearing shoes in the house
— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) January 13, 2024

Man said "hear me out" about Linda fucking Cardellini https://t.co/DEbYKXUvYc
— Vic Damone Jr (@wholesomefoxx) January 13, 2024

WHY DID HE SHOOT IT LIKE THAT https://t.co/PtZiJYUp44
— doctor idk (@bigmonkeong) January 12, 2024

Can we go back to 30 Rock posting? I just remembered Tracy's all giraffe basketball team, the New York Necks.
— Dylan (@notdylm) January 13, 2024

Booing a dead man that was in charge during the ONLY relevant time in your franchises history is some nasty shit. As if Jordan didn't quit on you suckers twice. Yall deserve the bum ass Bears. https://t.co/aQYUCQPNyW
— Hub (@KenHeLive) January 13, 2024

I'm obsessed with this guy because of the uniquely evil vibes he gives off. Like Arkham inmate vibes. https://t.co/ktCCHAOte3
— Cosmonaut sucraM (evil) (@CosmonautMarcus) January 12, 2024

the most unreligious people you can find when a gay guy appears https://t.co/Q82Lm5BoCn pic.twitter.com/OwagdvfGgH
— BLUE Luffy (@realblueluffy) January 12, 2024

get myself a gun https://t.co/HfRhArPCOD
— derek (@derpo377) January 12, 2024

Conan O'Brien after having a shotgun backfire like Daffy Duck https://t.co/7Zja430Evx
— Céad Míle Fáilte (@ColeyMick) January 12, 2024

Biden just starts fucking bombing people and doesn't even address the nation. Just goes around eating ice cream and shit. I fucking hate it here.
— Jason Overstreet (@JasonOverstreet) January 13, 2024

"God created war so that Americans would learn geography" - Mark Twain pic.twitter.com/LE209uaCtd
— Neil Renic (@NC_Renic) January 12, 2024

Glad Canada is included. I'm so tired of them being left out just because people there know how to say please and thank you. https://t.co/lPPvHIIXLC
— lindy (@Lindyyay) January 12, 2024

pic.twitter.com/xy87CVNBSr
— beer person (@CantEverDie) January 12, 2024

January 13

friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
— fka docnoir (@DocNoirII) January 13, 2024

Comedians used to understand bombing was part of the job and now every time they do it they just yell about their audience and then do a special about cancel culture https://t.co/hZcPxooGTB
— Jesse (@MuskTillDawn) January 13, 2024

there was once an era where ppl like shaq and frank ocean and travis kelce were all on here just posting 30 tweets a day abt whatever they were gettin into and now they've all been replaced by a bunch of billionaires with podcasts and random accounts called "epic history moments"
— america's lounge singer (@KrangTNelson) January 13, 2024

If this was 2008 he would of already dropped a mixtape called 'Action Brunson' with this very pic https://t.co/CfrxLD4QWU
— invisible turkey wraps (@Erick_Akins) January 13, 2024

Smugly telling people I've heard of the Flintstones. pic.twitter.com/47SsVEAZfg
— Michael A. Balazo (@mbalazo) January 13, 2024

"Compatible with shopping" is one of the harder burns I have heard https://t.co/r3iBr787WD
— the federalist stinks!!!! (@rajandelman) January 13, 2024

mos def heard "passionfruit" up in costco and said "enough is enough"
— holmes (@charlesxholmes) January 13, 2024

Vids like this make Mos Def's point funnier

pic.twitter.com/x3LQwKrg2r https://t.co/eCEPaNqaue
— Manny (@SILKDURAG) January 13, 2024

I remember when Peter Mansbridge, Canada's most famous newscaster, accepted his Canadian Screen Awards life achievement prize he launched into a really cliché speech about "We live in an age when 'truth' is under attack..." etc etc. Anyway he's selling reverse mortgages now.
— Will Sloan (@WillSloanEsq) January 13, 2024

In a bad mood and watching my boyfriend complete a task really slowly. what could go wrong
— helena (@freshhel) January 14, 2024

people aren't marrying their band mates and then divorcing their band mates and then making their bandmates sing songs about their own divorce anymore
— re: emma (@evemmore) January 13, 2024

pov you're the expired leafy greens in my fridge watching me come back for another beer pic.twitter.com/1I7FnhoKDD
— Chris (@citehchris) January 14, 2024

In case you're wondering how cold it is in Edmonton LOL pic.twitter.com/6fmI4fjZdl
— Lisa Evans (@TheLisaEvans) January 13, 2024

i can't die before witnessing the fall of the United States https://t.co/RMQP9rgATU
— ( ˊ̱˂˃ˋ̱ ) (@laeswrld) January 13, 2024

We did but you'll never believe what happened next https://t.co/06spICdhnX
— Your Tiny Journalist Friend. (@thewayoftheid) January 13, 2024

Best answer I've seen to a boring, repetitive question. pic.twitter.com/cljTsXJnrN
— Amanda Bennett (@AmandaB55744931) January 13, 2024

My guy is out there breakdancing on Flacco's back pic.twitter.com/qKKR3siWTa
— CJ Fogler account may or may not be notable (@cjzero) January 13, 2024

it has Begun pic.twitter.com/2AHb5PrWKd
— ghost denier (@coronarycommie) January 13, 2024

can I just say how hilarious it is that the URL still says twitter. like it still says twitter
— grayfruit (@thegrayfruit) January 14, 2024

TWITTER AD : "This cute clock says your children's names every hour. Buy here at our quirky online store!"

COMMUNITY NOTE: "This is a dropshipping scam run by a murder cult that uses the addresses of customers to find new victims. The items can also be found cheaper elsewhere."
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) January 15, 2024

They should both compete to see who can hold the most pizzas instead of debating https://t.co/cFAKMrnxKB
— The Bansky of Throwing up Kahlua and Sushi (@GarlicCorgi) January 15, 2024

"Our glorious leader can lift not one, not two, but EIGHT pizza boxes! Truly God shines his glory upon him." https://t.co/PgfyMGBqeb pic.twitter.com/my2TYVCTpo
— Robert Bork III (@BobbyBorkIII) January 14, 2024

Me biting into a meatball and discovering raisins https://t.co/qJGU9jK9wR pic.twitter.com/ZrQIA6EOc6
— Lauren Rinaldi 🧚‍♀️ (@LRinaldiArt) January 14, 2024

Explaining to Homeland Security why I was yelling "OPEN SHOOTER" in the middle of an airport <<<<<< https://t.co/4OQvNzW9tE
— Oluwajomiloju (@JomiAdeniran) January 14, 2024

Me boarding my flight after running fulls with a bunch of strangers at 6am https://t.co/5oSkuL7F3E pic.twitter.com/kvmnblc68U
— comfy (@ihatethiskid) January 14, 2024

the masses yearn for the return of killdozer https://t.co/E89ybv5Vkd
— walter blight🇵🇸 (@damnit_d4ve) January 15, 2024

Young people screaming at old people that they're out of touch. Old people screaming at young people that they're naive. Only the perfectly wise 35 year old poster reigns supreme
— Proud Reflux-American (@InternetHippo) January 14, 2024

those cheatin ass mother fuckers https://t.co/luDwr1EHf9
— ElZilcho (@desmostylia) January 14, 2024

Real time clicking that he's gonna have to perform at the Oscars https://t.co/pHLd2McDRp
— joe bro (@jbromovies) January 15, 2024

one of the great male experiences is being sent by a woman to do something or pick something up and getting it 15% wrong
— horse powder (@JuliusIrvington) January 14, 2024

THE HOES ARE THRIVING pic.twitter.com/TeC1HI6eIv
— Moneybagg Yo(hannes) 🇪🇷 (@AronYohannes) January 15, 2024

Ted Cruz now 0-for-2 in attempting to seize things in the month of January. https://t.co/oF7FbHN4jJ
— Mike Beauvais (@MikeBeauvais) January 14, 2024

Bro was looking at the wrong signs God was telling you to pack your shit https://t.co/mRbeO8sDzY
— Céad Míle Fáilte (@ColeyMick) January 14, 2024

I haven't seen Jerry Jones this upset since they passed the Civil Rights Act
— Sam Morril (@sammorril) January 14, 2024

I know Jerry jones suite sound like a 1950's restaurant rn
— 🇵🇸 (@JoeDaActivist) January 14, 2024

This is the best community note ive ever seen https://t.co/Yr3cYr9KzO
— Adam Kinzinger (Slava Ukraini) 🇺🇸🇺🇦🇮🇱 (@AdamKinzinger) January 14, 2024

Omg they showed Eminem again in the stands! It's ridiculous and I'm so offended! They're ruining football. pic.twitter.com/7zt8H6dw5B
— Lisa_Foxx (@MediaFoxx) January 15, 2024

I won. https://t.co/QMacsfLLrA pic.twitter.com/aSz40Rt1Pt
— Detroit Lions (@Lions) January 15, 2024

https://t.co/R1c9AsqkkR pic.twitter.com/RInWpPkxdn
— muva lu. 🌿 (@lulofrmjuptr_) January 15, 2024

Call me crazy but having the space to put homeless people in jail and not into homeless shelters seems like the problem here. https://t.co/T8ne42yQJp
— Ricky Smith (@Rickonia) January 14, 2024

Wind and solar ended the grid alert in Alberta the same day as the federal climate action incentive payments went out.

You can't make this up.
— Roddy (@RodKahx) January 15, 2024

I just saw a TikTok and apparently the Bills are building a new stadium and so far it's just a big pit in the ground. 5 games ago, a fan fell into the pit and then they won. Since then a fan sacrifices themselves to the pit before every game and they win 😭

I'm dead serious
— 𝕂𝕣𝕚𝕤𝕥𝕖𝕟⸆⸉ 🐍 (@perfectlyfine89) January 15, 2024

doing some research today pic.twitter.com/qJcWyj1xMt
— horse dentist (@equine__dentist) January 16, 2024

not the fart tacklebox https://t.co/U9VR1ig99i
— limp brittzkit (@Brittymigs) January 15, 2024

People working in offices don't understand how shared air works until someone microwaves fish.
— Brian (祂) from Guelph 🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍🌈🍉 (@guelphmarket) January 15, 2024

I just think it would be better for everyone if the people who make adhesive for maxi pads and the people who make adhesive for bookstore price stickers switched jobs
— Janel Comeau (@VeryBadLlama) January 16, 2024

Are you 8 years old https://t.co/EAt5IBfq1G
— Microplastics Explorer (@DiabolicalSpuds) January 15, 2024

Peak suburbs brain. Taking something everyone hates and pretending it's based to own the urbanist libs https://t.co/KNz2uVq40z
— beef spider (@vanplague) January 15, 2024

A Car Went Inside https://t.co/apVzGoUxN9
— muna (@mbullobullo) January 15, 2024

you may find this one a bit hard to process but Palestine isn't a religion! https://t.co/246J7KuBrf
— sof's library ✧˖°. 🍉🥄 (@folkoftheshelf) January 15, 2024

One of the upsides of being Gen X - and there are many - is we were the last generation to develop a functioning pre-frontal cortex before the internet showed us how genuinely crazy so many people are. We're the last generation who had at least a glimpse of a consensual reality.
— Michael Marshall Smith (@ememess) January 16, 2024

it's like when a kitten and a horse are best friends pic.twitter.com/VGMrCBGwSl
— kelsey weekman (@kelsaywhat) January 16, 2024

you belong with the greats now (the wire) https://t.co/gBi4CkJGPl
— ashley ray (@theashleyray) January 16, 2024

since the jeffersons???? y'all racist bruh https://t.co/STTIGPB0lB
— niles (@NILES100) January 16, 2024

chill fam I was trying to do that in the low 😂😂 https://t.co/kW1AD4yxhN
— Roy Wood Jr- Ex Jedi (@roywoodjr) January 16, 2024

I mean this in the best possible way pic.twitter.com/Uu9YS2AYFR
— Tom Zohar (@TomZohar) January 16, 2024

All timer. https://t.co/oeY3j6pXGR pic.twitter.com/M5y0bHeNMg
— Brick Brickley 🧱 (@arielleaty) January 15, 2024

Potentially the greatest community note since the feature was created: https://t.co/qtMLbEeLFS
— philip lewis (@Phil_Lewis_) January 15, 2024

https://t.co/N8zOpShMMK pic.twitter.com/YDiUCpGjOt
— Olivia Julianna 🗳 (@0liviajulianna) January 15, 2024

Sorry i'm late, there was an evil troll blocking the bridge and his riddles were really hard today
— ˚₊‧꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚ (@bendergirlfrend) January 15, 2024

We hand-delivered Ron DeSantis a Participation Trophy at the Iowa Caucus. pic.twitter.com/qaIUkFMKxz
— The Good Liars (@TheGoodLiars) January 15, 2024

America voting for a would-be dictator in popcorn buckets is straight out of a dystopian novella. pic.twitter.com/FZy6tc45LN
— Justin Meeks (@JustinMeeksAR) January 16, 2024

He fired this one off 30 minutes before the Iowa caucus started. He won 0 delegates. Funniest Hail Mary ever lol https://t.co/iTckIMc2bW
— rudy betrayed (@rudy_betrayed) January 16, 2024

can't stop thinking about this reddit post pic.twitter.com/cCJOw1v6Zp
— Chappell Ellison (@ChappellTracker) January 16, 2024

Succession but it's this https://t.co/CAbpQ3AfJO
— Rohita Kadambi (@RohitaKadambi) January 17, 2024

pic.twitter.com/csCtP7RYQb
— naomi (@lachancenaomi27) January 16, 2024

ppl are like "relatable" but isn't it crazy how you can be starring in multiple movies and a television show and win 3 of the highest awards in one week and still not make enough to own your own house https://t.co/j2syIcW7VT
— wolfkiller lelio 🌙 (@lestat_thinker) January 16, 2024

When asked why he was doing this, Galen Weston hopped on a motorcycle, yelled, "Suck it, poors," and punched a homeless orphan https://t.co/fVbY8qGCYv
— Clare Blackwood (@clareblackwood) January 16, 2024

i love how he has to pull away his hand in terror every time he tugs on the handle too hard cuz he knows it will retract and sever his fingers https://t.co/uJq9uWyaq8
— Para II (@ParacelsusII) January 16, 2024

https://t.co/36xMEzJILj pic.twitter.com/EDHwgg74oN
— QueenCityJamz (@QueenCityJamz) January 17, 2024

Bitch they died https://t.co/U941yBWr24 pic.twitter.com/v3Q8RPnRED
— Grip Bayless (@talleyberrybaby) January 16, 2024

always funny when Indian-American conservative guys try to do the yee yee song and dance and then eat shit in presidential elections. You can say all the right stuff but Big Jim from Little Rock still thinks your cousin did 9/11 and believes in his heart that you worship demons.
— jake (@jakebrodes) January 16, 2024

"The idea that conservatives are motivated by racism is simply outdated, and I think the people of Iowa agree with me" offered Mr. Ramaswamy.

"I just can't vote for Vivek" a voter from Cedar Rapids explained. "Not after what his people did at Pearl Harbor. I still remember."
— GarbageApe (@GarbageApe) January 16, 2024

America has NEVER been a racist country, says Nikki Haley, who can't use her real name because the people who'd vote for her wouldn't like it.
— Alex Cole (@acnewsitics) January 16, 2024

if biden walks out in the first debate against trump with 9 pizza boxes he will get a clean 50 state sweep
— beer person (@CantEverDie) January 16, 2024

Didn't have Biden getting disowned by the Irish on my 2024 bingo card and that's my fault really https://t.co/prWlh75xgq
— agent ndn (@TheAgentNDN) January 17, 2024

January 17

*me in a cabin, steeping a bag of tea*

*knock on the door*

the heads of beggars banquet/secretly canadian/PIAS/Domino sit down at my kitchen table

"we need you to come out of indie rock retirement and assassinate the CEO of conde nast. We've got new signings who need BNM"
— Ryley walker (@ryleywalker) January 17, 2024

"Taco Bell makes you poop" oh I'm sorry. I forgot about all those restaurants serving food that never turns into poop.
— Zach Raffio (@zachraffio) January 17, 2024

she identifies as queer and irish pic.twitter.com/oOjLYrLNjN
— Sara (@lesbianvulcan) January 17, 2024

finally checking out The Bear and yall weren't lying this shit is gasssss pic.twitter.com/aTlbMnWBpD
— riley from hivemind (@RileyJohnSavage) January 18, 2024

looks like fucked up ham https://t.co/YTMfz0HvFt
— caroline (@cxrolinerxse) January 17, 2024

Chances are you have one of these in your home. Grab a key and start checking! https://t.co/yHIwpbax1C
— demon peen (@PeeneyTodd) January 18, 2024

When I don't have an Instagram story up that is me moving in silence
— 🍯 (@honeypluton) January 17, 2024

pic.twitter.com/kedPhBHhc1
— (っ◔◡◔)っ Jack ッ♡ (@childishblonde) January 17, 2024

Why is he ducking the other 65% 🤔 https://t.co/Fel293BYmP
— Céad Míle Fáilte (@ColeyMick) January 18, 2024

YOU don't get to do this. Cause none of you thought this at the time. raptors fans though can https://t.co/q55vx1VwU9
— H 🍉 (@heyhalima) January 17, 2024

Black Men and Latino Men. They over here saying y'all some suckas not sure if you heard https://t.co/Sc4CGcKaN3
— Chels ✨🎙️ (@ChelsIsRight) January 18, 2024

Unless I'm working in an emergency room there's so reason I should have to "work well in a fast-paced environment" or "work well under pressure", like manage your office properly
— Rox🥀🇵🇸 (@rox_the_riot) January 17, 2024

asking me if i have time to "hop on a call" is the Same thing as punching me in the head 1000000000 times
— cam (@largemotorcycle) January 17, 2024

This was written by an empty office building https://t.co/KUM30w0TGD
— Fuck You I Quit (@fuckyouiquit) January 17, 2024

Imposter syndrome final boss pic.twitter.com/eSd2y2dfec
— rosey🌹 (@thechosenberg) January 17, 2024

https://t.co/cAbQdncHPs pic.twitter.com/Ca7nCjSIdS
— richard (@richard_normal) January 17, 2024

"can you explain the gap on your resume" that's draw space. you can kind of do whatever you want there
— Michael Kandel (@K_A_N_D_E_L) January 17, 2024

please fucking watch this batshit trailer https://t.co/voC2CssKy2
— clara ✩⋆ (@kendallroyz) January 17, 2024

January 18

New email sig. pic.twitter.com/qr7a3o8vGI
— AJ (@ajdeluxe_) January 18, 2024

tailoring your resume for each job application is just pic.twitter.com/TaVK3bKyzL
— aries' finest (@stiill_dre) January 18, 2024

My unemployed friend called me and asked if I wanted to come over and play wii bowling at 8:31 AM. No job will ever be more satisfying than what he's got going on.
— skanks (@skanks17) January 18, 2024

It's cool how the only 3 jobs now are:

- AI data engineer project manager for TechVampire Inc, $250,000/yr

- Formerly middle class career in dying / overworked industry (teacher, nurse, reporter), $50,000/yr

- Gig worker treated like rentable servant, $9/hr
— Jack Califano (@jackcalifano) January 18, 2024

You can hear someone in the audience go "what" lmao https://t.co/0GJ4muE4C0
— Hispanic Shaun King (@okimstillhungry) January 18, 2024

slowly putting my airpods in one at a time in the mirror like they were my great great grandmother's earrings
— AJ (@ajdeluxe_) January 18, 2024

slamming on my brakes at 85 mph and firing that at the Tesla in front of me like a green shell https://t.co/f8G3W6ZRWs
— fuhjord 🔜 magfest (@harrison_fjord) January 18, 2024

Reporter: "Are the airstrikes against the Houthis working?"

Biden: "Well when you say 'working'—are they stopping the Houthis? No. Are they going to continue? Yes."

This might be the most concise summary of U.S. foreign policy available https://t.co/flCIBGzehN
— Nathan Tankus (@NathanTankus) January 18, 2024

2024: "We have respirators that electrostatically capture viral particles, ventilation and filtration systems to clean indoor air, and UV lights to kill viruses."

1918: "That's incredible! What's it like living without all this illness?"

2024: "Oh, we don't actually use them." pic.twitter.com/BLGtTEWlth
— T. Ryan Gregory (@TRyanGregory) January 18, 2024

A lot of unspeakable horror and evil in the world right now, but at least all the people in charge are some combination of cowardly, sadistic, and incredibly stupid.
— Will Sloan (@WillSloanEsq) January 18, 2024

https://t.co/reR0OY2SE9 pic.twitter.com/sPW00Gws7v
— Scully (@isthatscully) January 18, 2024

liquids are crucial for staying alive but beverages are what really manage the burden of existence
— lauren (@Very__Regular) January 18, 2024

"incorrect username or password"

BITCH, WHICH ONE IS IT!!!!!! pic.twitter.com/q9qWtSqT3H
— Jenni (@hashjenni) January 18, 2024

not gmail giving me multiple choice answers for my first hate mail of the year 💀 pic.twitter.com/ijMGR0DYiY
— Daisy Jones (@daisythejones) January 18, 2024

Statler: Oh look, a prospective buyer!

Waldorf: More like a prospective regretter! If these walls could talk they would plead the fifth! Do-ho-ho-ho! https://t.co/X7YO5uxiDO pic.twitter.com/21iJCQRgIl
— staid (@staidindoors) January 18, 2024

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: January 19, 2024

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