Paul Dano's IMDb, Omicron waiting for me, we need our lives back gravity, Renaissance tummy, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

January 14

I think I'm way more depressed about how much people suck during a pandemic than I am about the actual pandemic
— Candace D. (@DiaryofaSickGrl) January 15, 2022

I'm glad this exists pic.twitter.com/VS74pCMPib
— potato slut (@IvythePriest) January 14, 2022

when i pack a bowl 30 minutes after waking up pic.twitter.com/FnyWrBOBhh
— Annabelle Bronstein (@mattjosephperry) January 15, 2022

😭😭😭😭 pic.twitter.com/aDVj8hB6gB
— z (@zinaghr) January 15, 2022

guy who's afraid to cheer for his son brandon at soccer practice
— lexaprofessional (@queasy_f_bby) January 14, 2022

pic.twitter.com/f22Vl9wvR9
— PoliteViking ☭🏴 (@leigh_fall) January 14, 2022

pic.twitter.com/0NCXV6SEC4
— Nariman (@slytherinus) January 15, 2022

January 15

it's almost that time of year. pic.twitter.com/rb7fCF0JbX
— 𝐛𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐤𝐛𝐞𝐚𝐭 𝐭𝐚𝐤𝐞𝐬𝐡𝐢 🏳️‍🌈 (@disco_socialist) January 15, 2022

as an empath, i feel for hbomax bc i too am full of great content and bad at delivering it
— Allison Mick (@allison_mick) January 16, 2022

and they willllll foreverrrrrrr! https://t.co/1LVwk3MUbN
— grahamclark (@grahamclark) January 16, 2022

netflix search bar be like "we know exactly what you talking about but we ain't got it lmao"
— juju 💰 (@ihyjuju) January 16, 2022

YouTube freaks me out pic.twitter.com/aVUaz1ZYuI
— Gayl Pile (@gaylpile) January 16, 2022

pic.twitter.com/qQJ3m54LJJ
— Michael Parenti's Stache 🚩☭ (@Karl_Was_Right) January 15, 2022

My cousin moved to a house with a huge built-in wine rack but she doesn't drink so I figured out an elegant solution for her pic.twitter.com/v7pnqocp5G
— Julia Young (@okjulia) January 16, 2022

Can we all just behave and try to get Omicron under control?

Because the next strain is probably Pi and we all know how long that will go on.
— Beth Morton (@beth_morton) January 15, 2022

Not messing around pic.twitter.com/JsQvoX7VzN
— Flux is trying🚩🏴 (@ThisFlux) January 15, 2022

why yes i would like to adopt a tiny, semi-feral animal with a lifespan just a fraction of my own and then make it's continued survival the lynchpin of my mental health
— Robert Evans (The Only Robert Evans) (@IwriteOK) January 16, 2022

pic.twitter.com/vhGUhuGUrH
— the thicc husband & father (@lukeisamazing) January 15, 2022

January 16

omicron, waiting for me to leave my house pic.twitter.com/OEH0WqkuoH
— Laura Martínez ® (@miblogestublog) January 17, 2022

This is the niche content the internet was created for pic.twitter.com/EtiLciuhJJ
— DK (@Ponk_Konk) January 16, 2022

"No worries either way!" —me worrying both ways
— Spencer Althouse (@SpencerAlthouse) January 16, 2022

Restaurants are finally providing benefits for their workers. pic.twitter.com/5SnLnR0Edq
— La Befana (@Sandernista412) January 16, 2022

i want this writers room to take one week off twitter and try writing the show https://t.co/m4GTs91L5v
— LIVE in chicago on 1.20, ashley ray (@theeashleyray) January 16, 2022

it's actually sort of amazing sesame street has funnier writers than snl
— thot choc (@shreyabasu003) January 16, 2022

pic.twitter.com/O7QfsJmJNC
— violet valentine (@slutpilled) January 16, 2022

Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
— T 🎯 (@CodeineFridge) January 16, 2022

He bites Italians pic.twitter.com/LKUt05go82
— Kevin H Bell 🌵 (@KevinHBell) January 16, 2022

Serena Williams is vaccinated. https://t.co/x7M3emrIl7
— Chuck Sudo (@bportseasoning) January 17, 2022

pic.twitter.com/JrGBMqtkDK
— BERSERK (@srslyberserk) January 17, 2022

pic.twitter.com/cB96I2CIGI
— President-Elect Toguro (@ComradeToguro) January 16, 2022

January 17

He knew too much pic.twitter.com/DufjWMT6wc
— Dr. Ada-Rhodes Short 🤖🧠 (@The_Ada_Rhodes) January 17, 2022

This is a great product for when you need your beard to look like it was rendered by a Nintendo 64 pic.twitter.com/52AMOHHKC6
— Lenny Sweetman (Official) (@BirdRespecter) January 18, 2022

periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
— oryn (@3dLooks) January 17, 2022

i am a renaissance woman (nude, laying down, chubby little tummy)
— cass city (@HeavenlyGrandpa) January 18, 2022

Today is Betty Whites birthday. She didn't make it to 100... reminds me of how you never kept it 100 with me. Unfortunately i couldn't be your golden girl, but i thank you for being a friend.
— childless milf from NY (@machecazzodicii) January 17, 2022

I think about this sign almost every day. pic.twitter.com/Kfcx9TD0T6
— Kit Yates (@Kit_Yates_Maths) January 17, 2022

a dog is a pet but a cat is just a small guy who lives in your house
— Dr. Penis Boob (@DoctorPenisBoob) January 17, 2022

Sound up please this is so important pic.twitter.com/TqGFgcmBz6
— God⚡️peed You! Black Emperor (@licensedt0ilI) January 17, 2022

The Covid Eras:
-Tiger King
-Sourdough
-Push-Up Challenge
-"Is This A Cake?"
-Bernie Meme
-Delta
-Pretending the pandemic is over
-"CDC said…"
-Wordle
— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) January 17, 2022

big shout out to my manager at Kinko's in Van Nuys, who, in 2006, described Joss Whedon's dialogue as "written as though he's waiting for his girlfriend to laugh"
— brinsonmarie (@brinsonmarie) January 18, 2022

January 18

I think this will forever be the greatest exchange on this bird site. pic.twitter.com/vAkiJQFpm1
— Alan Baxter (@AlanBaxter) January 19, 2022

I've been tolerant of the restrictions surrounding gravity. I've worn the required parachutes while skydiving. I've used "staircases" to descend tall buildings. I've even exercised caution around crevices and open wells.

But enough is enough. We need our lives back.
— James Hamblin (@jameshamblin) January 19, 2022

five of you stand before me but i only have four at-home rapid covid tests in my hands pic.twitter.com/MaPxbpuuED
— bubblegum bitch! (@Iamujer_) January 19, 2022

Stealing 😂 pic.twitter.com/4ik5gFMCNU
— CandyCane🍭 糖果 (@bess101) January 18, 2022

sleep is for the weak? then I guess i'm a little baby bro. yeah I guess i'm a little sleepy little guy. a little snoozer. I guess i'm a little goo goo ga ga ass bitch then dude
— chad (@badboychadhoy) January 18, 2022

It's getting weird... pic.twitter.com/nAmLfKNMGz
— Meretricious Black Jew (@CandaceMQZ) January 19, 2022

And yet another unrealistic beauty standard for women pic.twitter.com/dtMcVgCe00
— Ghostface Kryllah (@kryzazzy) January 18, 2022

Damn...CAPTCHAs getting hard. pic.twitter.com/MhhEMryfDR
— Jeff Maurer (@JeffMightBWrong) January 18, 2022

Here's a great chess tip for beginners, I never knew the reason behind that rule!! pic.twitter.com/FuX7gAbjPa
— KungFuChess (@KungFuChessOrg) January 19, 2022

i love this pic.twitter.com/7SS7GGoncS
— maxim (@wqbisabi) January 18, 2022

January 19

Loudly asking "what song is this?" while people sing Happy Birthday
— pj evans (@pjayevans) January 19, 2022

seems like a lot of y'all are talking about bruno
— winter heath (1976) (@feeltheheath) January 20, 2022

Covid has ruined sci-fi movies shit'll be like "The year was 3004 and aliens were gonna blow up the sun"and I'm like "Makes sense" but then it goes "So the world united to—" and I'm like "No the fuck they did not"
— Curtis Cook (currently rebranding) (@Curtis_Cook) January 20, 2022

FUCK YOU DAVE YOUNG WE HAVE FAMILIES AND CAN'T RISK GETTING STUCK AT THE BORDER FOR TWO WEEKS IN QUARANTINE WHY DON'T YOU GROW A BRAIN AND THROW YOUR PHONE IN THE OCEAN AND STOP BOTHERING EVERYONE https://t.co/SHeiFejx1O
— Fucked Up (@FUCKEDUP) January 19, 2022

Succession pic.twitter.com/7YYhsIT2Z9
— connor Wood (@fibulaa) January 19, 2022

Law and Order: Boston pic.twitter.com/rc9uwvCZ7B
— Amy the Amazonian (@coL_Amazonian) January 19, 2022

what a great to-do list pic.twitter.com/DZEk0BkbN8
— clay 💔 (@bitchrespecter) January 19, 2022

Drug testing for restaurant jobs is so stupid. Who gives af if the dishwasher is on crack!
— Cuck Liddell (@Bimb0Slice) January 19, 2022

Whenever anyone tells me that they're psychic, I say "I know," and then we just stare at one another.
— Dave Merritt (@GoldenSeals) January 19, 2022

to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain pic.twitter.com/e2WPtEzLsy
— erin chack (@ErinChack) January 19, 2022

I do not care how bad the relationship is I am NOT calling a radio station for advice
— 𝖏𝖆𝖍 ツ (@fullautojayy) January 20, 2022

January 20

You really gotta be careful what you say around kids, they will repeat everything you say. My 5 year old nephew got put in timeout for saying "I'm tired of fucking my wife"
— Joe List (@JoeListComedy) January 20, 2022

YOU:

THERAPIST: You gonna tweet about what I say to you?
— Chris Locke (@chrislockeworld) January 20, 2022

That Rush song that's 21 minutes long. https://t.co/84XJfmbtjS
— Todd Barry (@toddbarry) January 20, 2022

When my phone is like "Hey I'm going to upgrade my OS tonight!" it's like, cool buddy, but you didn't need to loop me in on that. It's okay if we have separate things sometimes.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) January 20, 2022

OK SO THE LENGTH OF THE NEW BATMAN IS THREE HOURS BUT I WANT TO KNOW ABOUT THE GIRTH
— Doug Benson is at Super Nova Hollywood tmrw & sat! (@DougBenson) January 20, 2022

I don't understand why Jodorowsky gets so much clout for not making Dune. I don't make Dune all the time, as we speak I'm sitting here not making Dune, where's my documentary
— Jon Blair (@okjonblair) January 20, 2022

Wiping a tear from my eye and saluting as I remember when Italy built an unnecessarily sexy statue to honor a failed 1800s uprising pic.twitter.com/HBNQ4mQk9h
— Gabriella Paiella (@GMPaiella) January 20, 2022

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: January 21, 2022

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