December 30
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said "Have you tried euthanasia?" and in the background my mom yelled "For the last time, it's echinacea!"
— Kristin (@FeralCrone) December 31, 2017
2018: hi
— adam (@brokeangeI) December 31, 2017
me after being traumatized by 2016 and 2017: pic.twitter.com/SmA8rhUVHE
your therapist has googled you
— Mindy Furano (@MindyFurano) December 31, 2017
i'm fucking crying, look at this guy from my best friends tinder pic.twitter.com/ElnKkHNPMb
— chelsey (@chelseymayr) December 30, 2017
I've never watched Black Mirror but here's what I imagine the show is like pic.twitter.com/NKgNSV83AG
— the gorilla channel thing is a joke (@pixelatedboat) December 31, 2017
December 31
People were saying "Happy New Year" this time last year too: it doesn't work
— Spazio (@Spaziotwat) December 31, 2017
So much was weird in 2017, but perhaps the weirdest was that people who nearly triggered a pizzeria gun massacre to stop imaginary child molesters rallied to support an actual child molester's campaign for US Senate
— David Frum (@davidfrum) December 31, 2017
Just saw an old white man chastise a young WOC for parking in a veterans spot so she whipped out her phone, showed him a picture of her in her army uniform and asked him "Did YOU serve?" which was just the perfect way to end 2017. 💃🏾💃🏼💃🏽💃🏿💃🏻💃
— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) December 31, 2017
January 1
Somebody at NY Times sez trump has better ppl skills than "aloof" Barack Obama. Only in America can a white guy who mocked disabled man, bragged about grabbing pussy&insulted more people than Don Rickles get that kind of credit over a black guy who shed tears over lost children.
— Kenny BooYah! (@KwikWarren) January 1, 2018
logan paul would have dropped the wildest 9/11 vlog
— BRANDON WARDELL (@BRANDONWARDELL) January 2, 2018
January 2
STAND BY ME 1986:
— Jesse McLaren (@McJesse) January 2, 2018
The body was found. In the end we decided that an anonymous phone-call was the best thing to do. We headed home. But somehow the town seemed different. Smaller.
STAND BY ME 2018:
WhaA tHiS DuUde Is dead AF! this shit is crazy SMASH THAT SUBSCRIBE BUTTON FAM!!!
Neil DeGrasss Tyson screaming at an Oasis concert that there's no such thing as a Champagne Supernova
— Dan Sheehan (@ItsDanSheehan) January 2, 2018
annual reminder lol pic.twitter.com/hPSeIfw6ky
— 𝔞 ✧*･ﾟ (@notasubl) January 3, 2018
did you know uploading beatles music videos is against twitter rules but threatening nuclear war is not???
— Ziwe (@ziwe) January 3, 2018
January 3
My entire life has led to this moment... T-Rex conducting the Jurassic Park theme song. 😭❤😂😂😂 pic.twitter.com/j9BtCwmPKY
— Ailyn Marie (@TheLeanMarie) January 3, 2018
the customer is always WRONG ive never known a more incorrect group of people than the customer
— hannah shakari (@han_shak) January 3, 2018
I was in love with an asshole for 8 years because he made me spaghetti once so I don't see Trump's base turning on him any time soon.
— Daley Haggar (@d_haggar) January 3, 2018
January 4
.@realdonaldtrump I got you an early birthday present! Have someone read it to you! (Don't worry I sent it to your primary address.) pic.twitter.com/V7sVW3EOrl
— Danny Zuker (@DannyZuker) January 5, 2018
Hold on.
— Shaun King (@ShaunKing) January 4, 2018
Donald Trump IS AT THE WHITE HOUSE, but just video conferenced into the White House press briefing because he was so afraid to face the press.
Never seen anything like it.
He's literally 150 feet away from the room.
Sarah Huck just called Michael Wolff an "author nobody ever heard of before today." Why people sit through this preposterous woman's daily exercise remains a national embarrassment.
— Charles P. Pierce (@CharlesPPierce) January 4, 2018
So I was one of the 6 guests at the Bannon-Ailes dinner party in January 2017 and every word I've seen from the book about it is absolutely accurate. It was an astonishing night... pic.twitter.com/I4vgOrHOYb
— Janice Min (@janicemin) January 4, 2018
January 5
TRUMP NICKNAMES
— Matt Oswalt (@MattOswaltVA) January 5, 2018
Hillary Clinton - "Crooked Hillary"
Kim Jong Un - "Rocket Man"
Steve Bannon - "Sloppy Steve"
Elizabeth Warren - "Pocahontas"
Marco Rubio - "Little Marco"
Chuck Schumer - "Cryin' Chuck"
Jews - "Mother Fucking God Damn Dirty Jews"
Does it trouble anybody else that the biggest story right now is whether or not the President of the United States is sane?
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) January 5, 2018