Cows kill more people than sharks, George Santos character arcs, Benoit barks, Speaker vote sparks, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

December 30

this is still the funniest thing hugh grant ever did pic.twitter.com/E9aNjE3XvS
— rowena (@DrUnfuckable) December 30, 2022

finally pic.twitter.com/23Xue6f4nz
— Adam Cerious (@Browtweaten) December 31, 2022

Steve Martin has looked exactly the same my entire life
— Renée Watkins (@wumother) December 31, 2022

Oh cool an affront to God pic.twitter.com/fPR63EBM9C
— New Year, Same Fag 🎄 (@liturgicalgay) December 30, 2022

And hired George Santos! https://t.co/R2aQi6xCTO
— Rep. Eric Swalwell (@RepSwalwell) December 30, 2022

Leftwing podcaster drama is like "Chad and Doug from Two Idiots Read Kant broke up" and rightwing podcaster drama is like "Sexcrimes O'Houlihan arrested after funneling arms to Basque separatist groups"
— Malt Schlitzmann (@MALTSCHLITZMANN) December 30, 2022

Probably the most amazing thing about Donald Trump's tax returns that I've spotted so far is that in 2015 he recorded $12,000 in expenses related to the New Jersey Generals… the football team he owned that went under in 1985.
— Alex Weprin (@alexweprin) December 30, 2022

Barbara Walters knew Donald Trump was a FRAUD.pic.twitter.com/p53dyt2iMA
— Don Winslow (@donwinslow) December 31, 2022

rip barbara walters thank you for giving us one of the best interview moments of all time pic.twitter.com/nKmYEd1Ppv
— matt (@mattxiv) December 31, 2022

this means so much to me thank you https://t.co/ZUd1cVxCbn pic.twitter.com/Ci1vXjEN67
— blaire erskine (@blaireerskine) December 31, 2022

I'm on the train to Ottawa and can I just say: why would anyone ever want to drive between cities when we can just build little rooms where you drink white wine in a recliner with wifi and after a couple Netflix shows you're in a different city
— ℳatt (@matttomic) December 30, 2022

a dude was like "well what if men said small tit energy and big tit energy? wouldn't that be offensive?" but both of those things sound like compliments
— ashley ray (@theashleyray) December 30, 2022

Andrew Tate found out when you fuck with an honorary member of the Lakota Nation. pic.twitter.com/HdGfoJoXy9
— Lakota Man (@LakotaMan1) December 30, 2022

What's left for a suburban teenager to do other than drugs at this point? https://t.co/nWpWuZXFza
— Edgewater Exile (@Eric_Erins) December 31, 2022

The last three years, explained pic.twitter.com/folDJaHy8g
— Trung Phan (@TrungTPhan) December 30, 2022

December 31
  

One of my favorite things this year was this video.

Moms are awesome.pic.twitter.com/WuJ1V1BJs6
— Don Winslow (@donwinslow) January 1, 2023

Favorite thing I read this year was a 26 year old Nic Cage interview where he said this pic.twitter.com/lODzQ737Vi
— John Frankensteiner (@JFrankensteiner) December 31, 2022

no alcohol on NYE broadcasts, Waffle House fired the chair lady, morning show fired the hot adulterers. capitalism has failed us
— Hannah (@hannnahmmarie) December 31, 2022

Dunkin' Donuts near me in Cumming Georgia. 😁 pic.twitter.com/eKuRkdllaN
— AskAubry 🦝 (@ask_aubry) January 1, 2023

A Walrus getting lost, ending up in Scarborough and then masturbating IN PUBLIC then having a sleep and then Scarborough Council cancelling the NYE fireworks display in case it woke him is the denouement of 2022. pic.twitter.com/LzCXZnasiy
— Pastor Alex (@PastorAlexLove) December 31, 2022

I'm screaming https://t.co/WE1DVWNeDG pic.twitter.com/gcMdGq3OrF
— VP of Wu Tang Financial (@BarbChairScott) January 1, 2023

BENOIT BLANC AS DOGS
a Knives Out Thread

Benoit Blanc as a Golden Retriever pic.twitter.com/Phs0AIQ9lo
— Jude Atwood (@JudeAtwood) December 31, 2022

goodmorning pic.twitter.com/cU6CZcevHm
— empty rico (@dumbricardo) December 31, 2022

 
January 1

happy new year pic.twitter.com/LXFEByqUfz
— triste 🛷 (@tamphopho) January 1, 2023

The Hardee's Paradox. pic.twitter.com/Dr7w8vYeog
— John Moe (@johnmoe) January 1, 2023

If this ain't one of the most accurate things I seen pic.twitter.com/9MooyZyEmF
— Lance🇱🇨 (@BornAKang) January 1, 2023

My friend once interviewed for a job as a canadian flight attendant after lying about being bilingual and in the interview they asked her in French why she wanted to work for air canada and she said "J'adore des aeroplanes 🙂" and after a long pause they just hung up
— kevin (determinine the vibe )❄️🔶 (@Kevaclysm) January 2, 2023

ACTUAL BENOIT BLANC DIALOGUE
I keep returning in my mind to the glass onion. Something that seems densely layered, mysterious and inscrutable. But in fact, the centre is in plain sight.

BENOIT BLANC IN YOUR TWEETS
What in tarnation!? I do declare a murder. Consarn it! Yee-haw!!
— Conor Smith (@conorsmith) January 1, 2023

this email I sent to my professor that kept misspelling my name was my girlboss moment pic.twitter.com/lckub3vMjY
— Hurt CoPain (@SaeedDiCaprio) January 1, 2023

TOP 4 Beatles songs w "Greg" in the title:
- Hard Day's Greg
- I Wanna Hold Your Greg
- Ob-La-Di, Greg
- With A Little Help From My Greg
— Chris Locke (@chrislockeworld) January 1, 2023

Seinfeld is the best show ever. Nobody wants to work. Nobody has career goals. Nobody wants to start a family. All they wanna do is get laid and hang out with their friends. It's so inspirational.
— Mia Nie 🌟 Read my comic SAMSARA DREAMIN' (@girlwithhorn) January 1, 2023

This man is so stupid it hurts. His breaking news is that the government controls where you can and can't drive pic.twitter.com/PrhHgwID2i
— Read Jackson Rising by @CooperationJXN (@JoshuaPHilll) January 1, 2023

This is the battle 2023 was waiting for. pic.twitter.com/sAqcQivl2J
— Carl (@HistoryBoomer) January 2, 2023

This how hard day 1 of the New Year hit me pic.twitter.com/sxXxqnlC02
— Hasbulla 🐐 (@HasbullaHive) January 1, 2023

I just know the voices would win https://t.co/Iuoc74QcHj
— ❄️ Maureen ❄️ (@maureen_theo) January 1, 2023

How was this on the news? pic.twitter.com/VYqwx8zHBY
— Historic Vids (@historyinmemes) January 1, 2023

not to brag but we just switched to small dick energy and saved a ton on our electricity bill.
— kim (@KimmyMonte) January 1, 2023

my parents love jeopardy but hate wheel of fortune so they make sure to change the channel right when jeopardy ends. if they're too slow with the remote they call it "getting wheel'd"
— abram AKA "The Funky Khazar" (@abram_facts) January 2, 2023

January 2

Literally had been checking the mailbox five times a day and then I got this random DM yesterday 🫠 pic.twitter.com/yMvUYm3ioK
— Scott Stallings (@stallingsgolf) January 2, 2023

pic.twitter.com/v18lPrnnMr
— ☁ stinky katie ☁ (@stinkykatie) January 2, 2023

bro what is tom brady on these days pic.twitter.com/lgOTEojoVv
— гг ~ 𖤐 (@tize4PF) January 2, 2023

The NFL gave each team 5 minutes to warm up and both coaches said "fuck that" and pulled their teams off the field. Good for Sean and Zac.
— Brendan Sugrue (@BrendanSugrue) January 3, 2023

My wife: this guy has said nothing but wisdom tonight who is that?
Me: his name is Booger.
— Thornton Melon (@Thornton_Melon) January 3, 2023

Watching All Quiet on the Western Front and my previously sunny outlook on trench warfare is in serious jeopardy
— Dan Clyne (@danCLYNE) January 3, 2023

McCarthy doesn't have the votes.
Scalise doesn't have the votes.
Biggs doesn't have the votes.

There's only one man who can truly unite the Republican Party…

Neurosurgeon, Nobel Prize winner, and WWII hero GEORGE SANTOS.
— Jackson Boaz (@jacksonboaz_) January 3, 2023

Sandra Bullock's character from that movie The Net would have been in heaven these days. Twitter, instagram, Amazon etc. a woman born in the wrong time lol
— James Hartnett (@jameshartnett) January 2, 2023

while watching the new top gun, my nephew, age 6, declared, "i don't want to do this type of stuff, i just want to be a normal person."
— John Ganz (@lionel_trolling) January 2, 2023

Audio engineer.pic.twitter.com/SFhJBQmE15
— cats with jobs (@CatWorkers) January 3, 2023

"Cows kill more people every year than sharks" https://t.co/VSEwENLhd6 pic.twitter.com/guicgnRf0M
— The Last 🔝 (@jusLikeMike911) January 2, 2023

 
January 3

The guy who started the new year off with a bang pic.twitter.com/f5nEF7QneV
— Historic Vids (@historyinmemes) January 3, 2023

My reaction when people say they are glad to be back at work after the holiday break pic.twitter.com/OXSAMYEe4A
— Anna Leigh Jewelry 🍿 (@MissAnna_Leigh) January 3, 2023

well, well, well if it isn't all my "we'll deal with it in January" chickens home to roost
— Mollie Goodfellow (@hansmollman) January 3, 2023

Me getting rid of all unread emails this morning pic.twitter.com/5DSn60PqrM
— Alex Su (@heyitsalexsu) January 3, 2023

"Can I give u a quick call?" at 9am on the first day back omg die???????????????????
— teejhkus (@Sukhjeeeet) January 3, 2023

switching between 'u' and 'you' with no rhyme or reason i just let each word tell me how it wants to be typed
— award winning rat (@nottallest) January 3, 2023

not Wednesday L. Jackson 🤦🏽‍♀️ pic.twitter.com/43fEk14ybH
— wiz fajita (@trillary_banks_) January 3, 2023

He for sure getting fired lol pic.twitter.com/woA0oTvm4B
— Lance🇱🇨 (@BornAKang) January 4, 2023

Tesla lost around $47 billion in market cap today. Or, put another way, it lost more than one full Twitter.
— Dan Primack (@danprimack) January 3, 2023

some of the "my son will never play football" posturing on here is so cringe, like yes he's 5'7" and grew up in park slope and both of his parents work in literary publishing, that was already a certainty
— claire de lune (@ClaireMPLS) January 3, 2023

OPEN THIS PIT UP!!! THIS NEXT SONG IS ABOUT A NICE DAY ON THE BEACH!!! SSIDE TO FUCKING SIDE!!!! https://t.co/2wrf4vsC3b
— ALEX KOLANKO (@alexkolanko) January 3, 2023

Bill Bailey moonwalking in 1955, decades before Michael Jackson pic.twitter.com/ptlZRRcDBe
— Historic Vids (@historyinmemes) January 4, 2023

Did y'all know "To catch a predator" ended because the last person getting caught was a Texas DA who sh*+ 🔫 himself in front of the camera when he realized what the situation was?
— the game (@nikescarkyle) January 4, 2023

George Santos posts press release on official House website citing having taken the oath & being sworn in today. No members were sworn in today. There is no Speaker of the House. https://t.co/MQhwO5IuvM pic.twitter.com/bJZjTjBkdy
— Jesse Rodriguez (@JesseRodriguez) January 4, 2023

This is the worst day McCarthy has ever had at the Capitol and he was once almost murdered there.
— Danny Zuker (@DannyZuker) January 3, 2023

i don't use a period tracker i just wait until i've started drafting my suicide letter and then i know she's coming
— zina ܙܝ݂ܢܵܐ‏ (@jazairiyya) January 4, 2023

 
January 4

girls hates period but afriad of not having it.
— ` (@crestieyy) January 5, 2023

oh my god no pic.twitter.com/Dn7VlXskh7
— Great Videos (@Enezator) January 4, 2023

He of all people should be able to get admitted for the full 4 years pic.twitter.com/Ox3nwnsU8s
— Ginny Hogan_ (@ginnyhogan_) January 4, 2023

I don't like the internet. It's just my personal taste. I don't like twitter, instagram or facebook. I don't even like shopping here - would rather go to the mall. I dislike streaming, news, pretty much the whole thing. I only use this to promote my records. Thanks.
— Cory Hanson (@corythanson) January 4, 2023

I like to think of Amy (burrito) and Annie (mac n cheese) as estranged sisters
— amil (@amil) January 4, 2023

Living in Ontario: pic.twitter.com/t2DV7CfImV
— Garth Iorgy 🖕 (@GarthIorgy) January 4, 2023

Santos staring straight into the camera like the monster in a A24 horror film called Rep pic.twitter.com/tQ0rEIXIv0
— Frank Lesser (@sadmonsters) January 4, 2023

This is the best season of cspan…ever.
— Jon Stewart (@jonstewart) January 4, 2023

George Santos has to be my new favorite character. The writers truly outdid themselves.

pic.twitter.com/2gahOECJi5
— Santiago Mayer (@santiagomayer_) January 5, 2023

They don't always discuss politics#aoc #118thCongress pic.twitter.com/XkXHGf0C5s
— Bad Lip Reading (@BadLipReading) January 5, 2023

the founding fathers intended for this to end in a duel
— erIn For 2023 Ryan (@morninggloria) January 5, 2023

It's funny that Republicans are finally able to rerun an election over and over again and yet they still can't win
— Jordan Zakarin (@jordanzakarin) January 4, 2023

Who did this? pic.twitter.com/M5K7zqOeCY
— Mueller, She Wrote (@MuellerSheWrote) January 4, 2023

January 5

Despite 6 losses in a row, McCarthy can still become Speaker, with a Patriots loss, a Jaguars win and a Steelers tie. pic.twitter.com/GKXDDKvxKv
— Seth Williams (@newsethwilliams) January 5, 2023

How many times has Kevin McCarthy lost the vote for Speaker of the House? pic.twitter.com/m6qDtvlgUX
— Wu-Tang is for the Children (@WUTangKids) January 5, 2023

One silver lining for McCarthy is that once the number of votes goes over 16, Matt Gaetz will probably lose interest.
— New York Times Pitchbot (@DougJBalloon) January 5, 2023

I need a reverse Shark Tank where US oligarchs explain why they deserve billions of dollars while standing in front of 5 people living in poverty who work for them.
— Fifty Shades of Whey (@davenewworld_2) January 5, 2023

I have never come back from any holiday feeling relaxed, refreshed & reinvigorated to get back into work.

I come back with the taste of freedom, still fresh in my mouth, a renewed hatred for work, and a strong suspicion that this is not what I should be spending my life doing.
— Uncle Ari (@MazeDaMouth) January 5, 2023

Nightmare scenario: they accidentally bury the wrong Pope.
— Michael A. Balazo (@mbalazo) January 5, 2023

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: January 6, 2023

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