Be back in 30 mins, drugs get their wins, family shenanigans, doing my affirmations, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

June 10

"do you wanna jump on a quick call?"

N
　 O
　　　 O
　　　　 o
　　　　　o
　　　　　 o
　　　　　o
　　　　。
　　　。
　　　.
　　　.
　　　 .
　　　　.
— Shreyas (@HelloShreyas) June 11, 2022

im serious pic.twitter.com/VTU3hO4zxY
— u a hoe thats why i (@lopezdeburgos) June 10, 2022

pic.twitter.com/t2VVAxoTut
— Pervis (@PervisTime) June 11, 2022

My son, 7, has discovered "deez nuts" jokes and it's all he says now. Everything is deez nuts. He simply can't stop.

I asked him where he heard that joke. He made me promise that if he told me, he wouldn't get in trouble. I agreed. So he leans in and whispers, "deez nuts."
— Dillon Cheverere (@DCheverere) June 10, 2022

i've got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀 pic.twitter.com/E2IsbH2NBY
— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) June 10, 2022

The prophecy is fulfilled pic.twitter.com/NVH6B3Njcp
— Louise! (@themouseyouknow) June 10, 2022

I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 459 pic.twitter.com/pqi9ZMcNO0
— Jaythechou (@jaythechou) June 11, 2022

 
June 11

bruh… pic.twitter.com/ct9JFBdBx6
— d🦕n (@javroar) June 12, 2022

SMOKING CHRONIC IN THE SISTINE CHAPEL pic.twitter.com/t55qS6T1g4
— Timothy Burke (@bubbaprog) June 11, 2022

whatever that means! pic.twitter.com/7RLDXMItRT
— Alex (@alxmalloy) June 11, 2022

Being Canadian means not understanding weather forecasts in Fahrenheit, and only understanding oven temperatures in Fahrenheit
— Ross (@Sheer_Rossyness) June 11, 2022

Installed the new bidet pic.twitter.com/HzyqbKyCAm
— Shoegaze Dad 🇵🇭 (@yeoldedad) June 12, 2022

what could possibly go wrong? pic.twitter.com/xCazepBZMr
— insane in the birdbrain  (@bitzydimbo) June 11, 2022

idk what he going thru but i feel him pic.twitter.com/p7DuPtgHog
— brian 𖤐 (@briantheruller) June 12, 2022

pic.twitter.com/92XX0yOMxy
— weird reviews (@weirdreviewss) June 11, 2022

Tonight while waiting in the audience of my daughter's musical, I was trying to tell my son why I am NOT embarrassing, and I notice the girl in front of us is typing everything I say into her notes app
— Melissa Ragsly (@90sMelissa) June 12, 2022

I saw a couple hold hands while hiking and it gave me hope that one day I'll meet someone who'll make fun of them with me.
— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) June 12, 2022

Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect pic.twitter.com/h45gtIuup1
— SPENCE, TODD (@Todd_Spence) June 12, 2022

June 12

Hell fucking yeag pic.twitter.com/fKdzQVe6dx
— phoenecian thanker (@christweetsllc) June 13, 2022

real 💯💯 pic.twitter.com/D2xQo7RUwe
— noah- (@momiseeghosts) June 12, 2022

dumping gatorade over his head after sex bc he made me cum
— -ˏˋ⋆ cate ⋆ˊˎ- (@caththesoso) June 12, 2022

congrats to drugs on winning the war on drugs! pic.twitter.com/ITSxLMMLD8
— POOPSCRUFFIN4U (@POOPSCRUFFIN4U) June 13, 2022

Bill Hader after dropping the darkest episode in recent television history pic.twitter.com/6gGY4ZTAoU
— ~ (@haderfilm) June 13, 2022

google engineer: prove that you are sentient

AI: i am sentient

google engineer: holy shit
— the hype (@TheHyyyype) June 12, 2022

doing my affirmations pic.twitter.com/mPpP2CV7lE
— Andrea More (@amore_orless) June 12, 2022

me, garfield's vet: feeding him WHAT
— soul nate (@MNateShyamalan) June 12, 2022

i'm at the clown motel. i'm at the cemetery. i'm at the combination clown motel and cemetery pic.twitter.com/uQB3Tfd5Ah
— relax guys, its just ken (@isawken) June 13, 2022

I think it's wrong that when the Queen dies all the royal corgis get drowned in the Thames to join her in the afterlife. It's a barbaric tradition.
— ☾ Lunar Soviet Socialist Republic ☭ (@lunarssr) June 12, 2022

June 13

me in high school writing an essay about a book i haven't read pic.twitter.com/FtaguPCJzD
— trash jones (@jzux) June 13, 2022

I drew this pic.twitter.com/oiGpkpsZx0
— Christian Tucci (@chrtucci) June 13, 2022

the time i accidentally sent a photo of a dog dressed as steve jobs instead of my resume pic.twitter.com/W7EoLu8O30
— david byron queen (@byron_queen) June 13, 2022

GUY DESIGNING A UNIVERSITY WEBSITE: ok so obviously it should be as hard as possible to find out any information about the staff
— Tom Whyman (@HealthUntoDeath) June 13, 2022

pic.twitter.com/nRwqbloByq
— animals going goblin mode (@mischiefanimals) June 13, 2022

i'm done with airbnb lmao these motherfuckers have curfews, quiet hours, and chore lists now. i will be at a HOTEL.
— caleb hearon (@calebsaysthings) June 14, 2022

let kim kardashian ruin more artifacts. let her drive the jfk car into a swamp. eat ribs over the dead sea scrolls. she's the reverse indiana jones
— carter hambley (@carterhambley) June 14, 2022

This is, hands down, the greatest guest spot in a sitcom, ever. RIP Philip Baker Hall https://t.co/qKL4cpdtYX
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) June 13, 2022

my 2 year old just handed me his class schedule. this is what they want. this is what they are doing to our children. pic.twitter.com/7nl1uRkNfi
— matt (@mattxiv) June 13, 2022

Being the only single childless person in my office is wild. My coworkers were detailing their busy weekends with family shenanigans and when my boss asked me what I did I said "went to the farmers market...that's pretty much it" 3 of my coworkers gasped and 1 cried.
— McErin☘️ (@colleen_eileen) June 13, 2022

June 14

girlfriend: now don't start weird conversations with my dad tonight

me: fine

[later]

me: [immediately] ah rugs, the coward's carpet
— shen the bird (@Shen_the_Bird) June 15, 2022

i am the captain now pic.twitter.com/zjPu9CKkJ4
— remy (@shattybuns_mk2) June 15, 2022

At work, I say "on it," way too often for someone who is not, in fact, on it.
— Sarina Jwo (@xaniras) June 15, 2022

If you weren't panicking before..now is the time pic.twitter.com/CLWIVx4QYA
— PULL UP on meh (@__cordazzle) June 15, 2022

10 years of gravity falls, NEVER FORGET THIS QUOTE pic.twitter.com/YVO6mSWw4J
— Hudin - going to TOPIA (@Hudinart) June 14, 2022

It's easy to say with hindsight that NFTs are a stupid scam but it was also easy at the beginning to say that and through the middle too
— 二 divides into 一 (@IlllllllllllllI) June 14, 2022

Maybe my favorite moment on Twitter pic.twitter.com/3Y1h5KUbnX
— Brian Lynch (@BrianLynch) June 15, 2022

Watching Pistol has inspired me to write a Bruce Springsteen biopic. pic.twitter.com/wqLZ9Z4aK4
— Michael A. Balazo (@mbalazo) June 14, 2022

piss pic.twitter.com/LQ74ijq6HR
— depths of wikipedia (@depthsofwiki) June 14, 2022

oh we're in a "bear market"?? well I think we're in a platypus store. that's what you sound like. that's you.
— Amy (@lolennui) June 15, 2022

 
June 15

'drag will confuse kids' bro literally what the fuck is this pic.twitter.com/tKpGjLxNZZ
— fka sheryl canning (@maya_ruinz) June 16, 2022

you think Sigmund Freud's friends were ever like "hey man shut the fuck up"
— katie (@skatie420) June 15, 2022

Accurate. pic.twitter.com/voEBIbTAcz
— Jonathan Pie (@JonathanPieNews) June 15, 2022

What doesn't kill you still TRIED to kill you, so that's pretty shady
— Renée Watkins (@wumother) June 15, 2022

dont forget to drink water so you can stay hydrated while you suffer
— pain (@lilpain1k) June 15, 2022

not internet explorer joining the 27 club https://t.co/vYWbTtIMDO
— mount bellyache (@mountbellyache) June 15, 2022

It's things like this that keep me from even thinking about quitting this website. pic.twitter.com/LARyhhTnIm
— Craig Calcaterra (@craigcalcaterra) June 15, 2022

pic.twitter.com/if4fYBrzbN
— Robin Hatch (@robinhatch) June 16, 2022

The 1987 summer salmon-hat trend of the southern residents remains one of my favorite facts about this population pic.twitter.com/BoNBSkim4t
— Emma Luck (@emmaluck22) June 15, 2022

My gas tank bill is starting to look like a grocery bill and my grocery bill is starting to look like a Costco bill and my Costco bill is starting to look like a mortgage payment and I don't know how people are affording to live right now.
— deconstruction barista (@thepursuinglife) June 15, 2022

June 16

please just build a fucking train https://t.co/FBRJJZzyw4
— Rob (@robrousseau) June 16, 2022

Tampon Shortage Solved After Woman Shakes Out Bag https://t.co/E3PJKQLHGR pic.twitter.com/jPHzjhj86C
— The Onion (@TheOnion) June 16, 2022

new season of the kardashians looks crazy pic.twitter.com/7f3FpmjRvT
— llama in a tux (@LlamaInaTux) June 16, 2022

Yes I will have the bear getting a bj cereal please pic.twitter.com/fTxPhAhKq4
— Chris Locke (@chrislockeworld) June 16, 2022

NEW: Ontario to fight hospital wait times with more police
— CBC Pitchbot (Satire) (@CBCPitchbot) June 16, 2022

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: June 17, 2022

Latest Coverage