May 26
"Anybody who says the pen is mightier than the sword has obviously never wielded a blade correctly" - opening remarks in the night school course I teach, 'Swords for Divorced Men: Finding Meaning in Blades'.
— James Hartnett (@jameshartnett) May 26, 2018
uh oh Happy learned how to putt pic.twitter.com/g8cAIDrVYO
— Rob Perez (@World_Wide_Wob) May 27, 2018
May 27
Don't tell me that your racist relatives are "the product of their time." If they've figured out how to use cellphones & the internet, they can figure out how to not be racist.
— Hari Kondabolu (@harikondabolu) May 27, 2018
Last time Lebron didn't go to a finals? James K Polk was President. A young man named Elvis Presley had invented the VCR. And a new book topped the New York Times best sellers list: the Bible.
— Adam McKay (@GhostPanther) May 28, 2018
he looks like this so they can look like this pic.twitter.com/cIX4jmKbZb
— Rich Porter (@LQ300_) May 28, 2018
Will be forever blown away by the comedic heavy lifting being done by the two commas in this song title pic.twitter.com/0LHNZ8wifx
— Zach Dunn (@ZachBDunn) May 28, 2018
edgar allen poe's most famous short story 'bird tells me to fuck off in my own home'
— common sad girl (@sadgirlkms) May 27, 2018
pretty rude that we're living in a dystopia yet I don't have a forbidden and torrid romance with a guy who has like a sick scar or a robot arm
— lucy valentine (@LucyXIV) May 27, 2018
May 28
WW2 SOLDIER [rising from the grave and setting foot in America for the first time in 80 years]: How's the Nasdaq doing pic.twitter.com/osQw58ttyk
— Jason O. Gilbert (@gilbertjasono) May 28, 2018
This really sucks for Chris Paul because for his entire career he was planing on getting hurt in the Finals
— scharpling (@scharpling) May 29, 2018
"Season 4 of Cavs vs. Warriors was recorded in front of a live studio audience." pic.twitter.com/xQJOdJAHSl
— CBS Sports (@CBSSports) May 29, 2018
Lesbian couples inherently have more privilege than heterosexual couples as both partners can refer to the other as 'my wife' in a borat voice, whereas in the hetero couple, only one party can refer to the other as such. Gay male couples have the least as neither is the 'my wife'
— zoe ✨✨ (@bbyspinachspice) May 28, 2018
"Tough loss fellow diehard Rockets fans, but we'll get them in Game 8!" pic.twitter.com/JyKpixU0lD
— Matt Oswalt (@MattOswaltVA) May 29, 2018
May 29
*Mildly alters Roseanne spec into Last Man Standing spec*
— Nick Flanagan (@theflans) May 29, 2018
Jim Halpert still to this day the cleanest pass in tv history pic.twitter.com/owFS7gyD3K
— Rob Perez (@World_Wide_Wob) May 29, 2018
To win this beef Drake would have to reveal that Pusha T is three kids in a trench coat and Drake is all of their dad.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) May 30, 2018
Adidon is the name of Drake's upcoming Adidas line and now that name will be associated with this beef and Pusha's monstrous diss track. Pusha has, in effect, screwed up Drake's brand before it came out.
— Touré (@Toure) May 30, 2018
ABC fires Roseanne, says she crossed the line from being racist enough to have a TV show to slightly too racist to have a TV show
— popular comedy account "the pixelated boat" (@pixelatedboat) May 29, 2018
white ppl lost the privilege to own boats for 3 reasons:
— duunk (@duunk) May 30, 2018
1.) slavery
2.) y'all hit an ice berg lmao how'd y'all not see that shit
3.) that "i'm on a boat" music vid from like 2009
sorry lauren y'all gon have to settle for a golden retriever n some credit card debt https://t.co/vyP6UNwJSv
pusha called nardwuar
— "bad max" b.k.a. "boobie the boxer" (@maxtothemax) May 30, 2018
In Roseanne's defense, it's hard to know the difference between racism that gets you fired versus racism that gets you elected President of the United States.
— Brian Christopher (@bcsproul) May 29, 2018
"Millennial" no longer refers to a specific generation, but to anyone younger than the writer who makes them uncomfortable for any reason
— Resistance Is Working Ω (@mikailborg) May 29, 2018
May 30
(Chanting)
— Jason O. Gilbert (@gilbertjasono) May 30, 2018
WE! JUST! TOOK! AMBIEN! pic.twitter.com/esu3IMj8gu
The maker of Ambien just announced its newest side effect is sick burns. pic.twitter.com/FRM4UCfDVp
— golden state warrior blond (@goldengateblond) May 30, 2018
This is how I like to remember Tom Wolfe. pic.twitter.com/rTJIwE4uGU
— Stuart Berman (@stuberman) May 30, 2018
Drake SNAPS BACK at Pusha T by reconnecting with his son and being a good father for the next five decades
— popular comedy account "the pixelated boat" (@pixelatedboat) May 31, 2018
Happy 28th anniversary of the Garfield strip where Jon drinks dog semen! pic.twitter.com/BklI6W6mLo
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) May 30, 2018
DRAKE: "My name is Drake and I'm here to say / let's diss pusha in a crazy way!"
— broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) May 30, 2018
PUSHA: "Here is evidence that Drake colluded with Russia."
A diss track is just two grown men sitting in separate rooms, writing poems about each other.
— Andrew Collin (@AndrewTCollin) May 30, 2018
holy shit. drake dropped his response to pusha's adidon track on power 106... he went for the THROAT. there's really no way pusha's coming back from this pic.twitter.com/4pibHuNPvi
— demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) May 31, 2018
May 31
lol remember when Dinesh D'Souza said the 9/11 terrorists were brave warriors
— Jules Suzdaltsev (@jules_su) May 31, 2018
and then kicked and beat his wife so badly that she is still suffering from her injuries
and then committed campaign finance fraud and is now a convicted felon? pic.twitter.com/wT6gfUiBI6
I'm going to keep retelling this story so it sinks in. In 1983 trump would not allow one of my staff engineers on board his yacht because he was black. We cancelled the contract and he tried to sue me for breech of contract. He lost.
— Jesse Pariseau (@JessePariseau) June 1, 2018
I love little cultural differences, like how Americans are super offended by the word cunt but here in Australia we're super offended by school children being slaughtered with automatic weapons
— thomas violence (@thomas_violence) June 1, 2018
Hi @IvankaTrump, must suck to hear so many people outraged at the use of a word, but next to none willing to say you aren't one.
— Mark Forward (@MarkForwardd) June 1, 2018
June 1
I…worked on this story for a year…and…he just…he tweeted it out pic.twitter.com/4PbjEKTZ8n
— Zack Bornstein (@ZackBornstein) June 1, 2018
"It was like talking to a toddler." https://t.co/CXssc0Z68N pic.twitter.com/pXscQ6XAHf
— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) June 1, 2018