June 16
I told my wife there was a new Beyonce and Jay-Z album. She told me she had to run an errand, and now she's been circling the block in the car for the past 30 minutes like I can't see her.
— Corey Richardson (@vexedinthecity) June 16, 2018
I'M FUCKINGNSL SCREAMING https://t.co/T92O9M1QMI
— ً (@okkoyes) June 17, 2018
— Xander (@PizzaGiorno) June 16, 2018
THEY RENTED OUT THE FUCKING LOUVRE!? DO YOU KNOW WHAT TYPE OF SHIT THAT TAKES. THEY DONT JUST RENT OUT A BUILDING THAT HOUSES SOME OF THE WORLDS MOST PRICELESS ART. THE CARTERS RENTED OUT THE LOUVRE. https://t.co/wX55TTOh7w
— Alicia Kilos (@WhereBaeAt) June 16, 2018
"I draw fucked up comics. I need to spell my first name in a fucked up way." - Bil Keane
— Michael A. Balazo (@mbalazo) June 17, 2018
Fun Facts. pic.twitter.com/9XY8OTeiJU
— You Had One Job (@_youhadonejob1) June 16, 2018
June 17
"Let's spell immigration in a way that emphasizes how much we know about the issue." pic.twitter.com/JvIGfKp4wr
— Kashana (@kashanacauley) June 17, 2018
The Confederacy https://t.co/7Ejd1sYYCK
— Raquel Willis (@RaquelWillis_) June 17, 2018
#HappyFathersDay pic.twitter.com/IMLJ3AimYT
— Mark Hamill (@HamillHimself) June 17, 2018
This Camry is either in Hell or near a tremendous and destructive inferno. Why? pic.twitter.com/FBd6Fjggnu
— Tim Heidecker for DA (@timheidecker) June 17, 2018
I don't know what's funnier than an adult angrily stomping away in flip flops.
— Megan Pettit (@meganshpettit) June 17, 2018
im on a boat w a guy who has this tattoo pic.twitter.com/c3hLthT4pY
— abby (@emotr0n5000) June 17, 2018
June 18
alas, I've been informed by some cunt-faces they'll report me for my shitass uncouth language which offends their worthless sensibilities. I am, of course, fucking devastated. I do so hate to offend dick-rags who worry about maintaining words' taboos while disregarding human life
— maura quint (@behindyourback) June 18, 2018
— Bootleg Stuff (@Bootleg_Stuff) June 18, 2018
So that's how it's pronounced https://t.co/ip9DfBCDkf
— Mike F (@mikefossey) June 18, 2018
twitter solve murders before the police do https://t.co/PoJN6YvQN5
— Liyah J. ✨ (@little_liyah) June 19, 2018
when someone films the dead body before you pic.twitter.com/aSWqonUHDM
— Kettle Man (@BamboniReturns) June 18, 2018
Wait, so all this time the 'Lock her up!' chant was about an 8 year old girl from El Salvador?
— Matt Oswalt (@MattOswaltVA) June 19, 2018
Silicon Valley: Hey, what if we built new platforms that let teens create their own celebrities?
— popular comedy account "the pixelated boat" (@pixelatedboat) June 19, 2018
*5 minutes later*
The most famous musician in the world is pedophile rapper 6Six6PedoBeast
Coffee? We don't have coffee. Why would you think we'd have coffee. pic.twitter.com/KJJi1PiEIB
— Parker Molloy (@ParkerMolloy) June 18, 2018
jay z gets a pass for many lies but this "cooking greens better than my auntie" one is where i draw the line
— Desus Nice (@desusnice) June 19, 2018
June 19
The State Department's "Family Travel" Q & A is going about as well as you would expect pic.twitter.com/D5h6atvxzo
— jordan (@JordanUhl) June 19, 2018
If you go to the movies, you need to shut the fuck up.
— Ben Cahn (@Buncahn) June 19, 2018
Is the movie on? Yes? Then shut the fuck up during the movie.
Is it a quiet scene? Then shut the fuck up.
Is it a loud scene? Still shut the fuck up.
If you go to the movies, you need to shut the fuck up.
Elon Musk is the world's richest college freshman https://t.co/QAs2FyrS0N
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) June 19, 2018
June 20
Me: [hears phone notification sound] [rubs eyes] pic.twitter.com/GRkUKN5e0C
— ☕netw3rk (@netw3rk) June 20, 2018
Ladies, if you're ever hanging out with your man and he points out a woman and says "you would look great in that outfit" what he means is "I would enjoy having sex with that woman."
— Joe List (@JoeListComedy) June 20, 2018
Racist old dude takes a swing at the one black kid at a skate park. Calls the cops and gets himself arrested. pic.twitter.com/evN6yCkAq7
— Oregon I.T. not IT ⚾ (@OregonJOBS2) June 21, 2018
Flying is so gross pic.twitter.com/oigAclPMtM
— tanya tagaq (@tagaq) June 20, 2018
That's a pizza. https://t.co/Zm7MOHMBNU
— Ari Scott (@ariscott) June 20, 2018
June 21
This isn't my Republican Party, dammit. I belong to the party of Joe McCarthy, the John Birch Society, Barry Goldwater, Nixon's Southern Strategy, Ronald Reagan's "welfare queen" talking points, George W. Bush's Iraq invasion, and John McCain's pick of Sarah Palin. Trump is NOT m
— Turkey 2002 Third Place Rememberer (@samknight_one) June 21, 2018
How had Jordan Peterson never heard this extremely basic counter argument to his position before pic.twitter.com/gTdLm166Hj
— PeterNorway (@classiclib3ral) June 21, 2018
[bong rip]
— labcoat lesbian @ NYC Pride + AC (@JUNIUS_64) June 21, 2018
[exhale]
lobsters made a deal with the devil for conditional immortality and it backfired on them. you cannot change my mind
LMFAOOOOOOOO homie in the back fighting to the death with his kite https://t.co/kciBb1Cym9
— Josué (@hoesuueee) June 21, 2018
Fucking class having a shower at your girlfriends. Using stuff like a charcoal facial scrub and a pomegranate & mango shower milk, I've came out the shower smelling like a fresh fruit market on a hot summers day, feeling like a brand new woman. 13/10 would recommend.
— Flanny™ (@LiamFlannigan1) June 20, 2018
Koko the gorilla once ripped a sink out of the wall and, when her keepers confronted her about it, she blamed her kitten, signing "cat did it." That HAD been my favorite Koko story, until I saw this:
— Red Durkin (@RedIsDead) June 21, 2018
RIP to an absolute legend pic.twitter.com/sH6mGQVVZ3
I've written a script for the Last Jedi remake. Make this, you cowards: pic.twitter.com/eHSRxCyISb
— popular comedy account "the pixelated boat" (@pixelatedboat) June 21, 2018
June 22
I AM! https://t.co/fbMbIkCMe8
— Laura Dern (@LauraDern) June 22, 2018
If the doctors only refer to the cancer as "Michael" I'm certain Joe will beat it. https://t.co/YpJCvXeken
— Travon Free (@Travon) June 22, 2018
Holy shit Trump appears to have autographed the big photos of each dead kid. pic.twitter.com/YhAK7SmaqF
— Luke O'Neil :/ (@lukeoneil47) June 22, 2018