Drunk JAWS, physics laws, printer flaws, A+ parenting paws, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

March 3

I think that guy really cared when Jimmy cracked corn. Otherwise he wouldn't have written a whole song about it.
— Gourmet Spud (@gourmetspud) March 3, 2023

Mom, who's a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who's a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ballpic.twitter.com/yGJJ9AgQxc
— Hy Bender (@hybender) March 4, 2023

Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play "The Monster Mash." One time I took the bride's phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride's brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I'm batting .700
— timothy 💀 faust (@crulge) March 3, 2023

Every one of his tweets is just like, "Imagine you did a crime and then went to prison for it. Well, that's my current situation." https://t.co/sppycVxZdY
— Cody Johnston (@drmistercody) March 3, 2023

So Andrew Tate's people decided to try and claim he has lung cancer to get him out of jail, only for the biopsy report that says it's not cancer to leak almost immediately after. Meanwhile, his fanboys think he's sick because dude can't use filters on his photos anymore.
— Kathryn Brightbill 🖋️ (Parody?) (@KEBrightbill) March 3, 2023

I called the Culver City police last night like

Me: "Uh… Hey I just wanna make sure you're aware that uh…"

CCPD: "Is it the goats?" pic.twitter.com/oIRc3ylydy
— Christopher R. Weingarten (@1000TimesYes) March 3, 2023

"Twitter is even better for yo" pic.twitter.com/b0ebZVXh3B
— Tom Warren (@tomwarren) March 3, 2023

Wait till she hears how the bathrooms on the plane work… https://t.co/CZCDXrqXva
— Justice Horn (@JusticeHorn_) March 4, 2023

It took longer than I expected, but short people, Fox News has finally come for us. pic.twitter.com/ux31nPvwEh
— Jess Row (@row_ie_argument) March 3, 2023

When the restaurant won't let you order off the kids' menu. pic.twitter.com/cBVy4vD1vJ
— David Moscrop: Subscribe to my Substack. It's fun! (@David_Moscrop) March 3, 2023

One thing we got exactly right is making sure that every kid learns how to play the recorder, probably the most beautiful sounding instrument ever created.
— Brendan Kelly: Juggalo (@badsandwich) March 3, 2023

buy a zoo https://t.co/mZ2SJCk8Lk
— zach silberberg (@zachsilberberg) March 4, 2023

A+ parenting pic.twitter.com/tX7WbpRLoc
— Dont Show Your Cat (@DontShowYourCat) March 3, 2023

A Curb Your Enthusiasm where Larry meets Fiona Apple and says "you know...I gotta say...Fetch The Bolt Cutters? Any normal year, that's an 8. A high 8...8.8 easy...nothing wrong with a high 8! But 10 in April 2020? Come on, that's the stimulus talking....you got a stimmy ten..." pic.twitter.com/dVmuZJQRmb
— Marty Punkhouser (@NoChorus) March 3, 2023

did Friday write this pic.twitter.com/emPjQVf9jb
— shauna (@goldengateblond) March 4, 2023

No one:

Me taking my food back to my room so i can continue to be antisocial: pic.twitter.com/stB04AZrz4
— Feelings シ (@iHad2GoGetit) March 3, 2023

 
March 4

this is the funniest cut i've ever seen pic.twitter.com/0BPp4YXq0U
— ☀️JankyBones🌙 (@BoneJanky) March 4, 2023

Fucked around, found out. 🤭 pic.twitter.com/foyk8xl3yV
— chris evans (@notcapnamerica) March 4, 2023

pic.twitter.com/5TRqAVeEvK
— Boomhauer (@_Boomhauer) March 4, 2023

AM I BEING GASLIT???? pic.twitter.com/zbEUoOcdaf
— ✦ eve ✦ (@impossiblyeve) March 4, 2023

I love this so much 😭 pic.twitter.com/5p00y7cXHn
— Anthony 🦥 (@AnthonyMuffins) March 4, 2023

I'm not quite sure how you can even make drag illegal. What is Women's Clothing exactly? Clothes have no gender. They are idiots.
— Eric Idle (@EricIdle) March 4, 2023

LMAOOOO dawg she really pretended to be a Bucks fan to get Giannis autograph pic.twitter.com/BHDtCS38ej
— َ (@FeelLikeDrew) March 5, 2023

Whoever made this about Ja Morant should deserve a raise 😂😂😂😂 pic.twitter.com/CXbbfS2qav
— P a y W a l k e r (@ThePayWalker) March 4, 2023

Ja Morant's publicist walking into work everyday pic.twitter.com/sbtj4DiiZ6
— zion (@zionthemessiah) March 4, 2023

.@MrBeast I caught this man after his shoulder brushed a Feastables display and one of your chocolates fell to the ground. He is pleading for mercy but I do not believe he is truly sorry. How shall I deal with him sir? pic.twitter.com/ONDhx1xTb1
— Ali (@haramcart) March 5, 2023

When an ER patient says "my wife made me come in", something is really fucking wrong until proven otherwise. Trust me on this one.
— Sam Ghali, M.D. (@EM_RESUS) March 4, 2023

So they were recycled pic.twitter.com/Yy7bnGnAIf
— I Love the Universe (@Universe__Lover) March 4, 2023

andrew tates twitter account still posting despite being in jail reminds me so much of when herman cains twitter account was still posting covid misinformation after he died of covid
— pudding person (@JUNlPER) March 5, 2023

 March 5

yea i'm never using white noise off youtube to nap ever again pic.twitter.com/1kXLr6oVVE
— brandon* (@brndxix) March 6, 2023

There's sum we don't know about Ed Sheeran. https://t.co/A1m0y0gd2R
— medium giggle (@bigguccilexa) March 5, 2023

men yearn for the mines https://t.co/If3RyY7vZ4
— 𝔽eral ℙawg ℍunter 🦅🇺🇸 (@man_ditch) March 5, 2023

Alicia Keys and Usher weren't even that close in the My Boo video pic.twitter.com/h3GG5Wx0uf
— Jasmine (@JasmineLWatkins) March 5, 2023

A great tweet pic.twitter.com/mG0ZsrK0Hk
— Jesse Hawken (@jessehawken) March 5, 2023

They say this like there's ever been even 1 printer in the history of the world that functions correctly https://t.co/IyNGVxUGqJ
— ceo of mysterious guy hardcore llc 🛠️ (@trashage) March 5, 2023

nathan fielder's acceptance speech at the spirit awards pic.twitter.com/oFdA8Kq1iu
— Men For Fielder (@MenForFieIder) March 5, 2023

hello nateheads, hope you all have been enjoying the product release of my new Nate Juice brand cola beverage. ☺️

i need your help with one quick short term favor. i need you all to find and kill the real Dr. Pepper. https://t.co/ASSIN13RZb
— soul nate (@MNateShyamalan) March 5, 2023

Probably my best painting. pic.twitter.com/vt88C4wdAf
— Travis Chapman (@Travispaints) March 5, 2023

This Ja Morant edit got me dying 🤣 pic.twitter.com/Nh6id0dWZ2
— Ziggy B🐐 (@therealziggyb23) March 5, 2023

The greatest stunt in motion picture history. pic.twitter.com/zgEKkQ9Mky
— Will McCrabb (@mccrabb_will) March 5, 2023

March 6

https://t.co/mWhTiLI7uH pic.twitter.com/fwA8PFqk3D
— Tim MacMahon (@espn_macmahon) March 7, 2023

It wasn't me y'all 😂😂😂 https://t.co/zsrvwFkhfY
— JUVENILE (@juviethegreat) March 6, 2023

ive been doing this soooo wrong https://t.co/oKZ7aRGTm0
— Patrick Doran (@lunch_enjoyer) March 7, 2023

Happy 25th to The Big Lebowski and to this camera rig.
Today we Abide. pic.twitter.com/DhlNXheYha
— Will McCrabb (@mccrabb_will) March 6, 2023

What's this sorcery? 😅 pic.twitter.com/aL0I21F1nM
— Buitengebieden (@buitengebieden) March 6, 2023

MO State Rep. Phil Christofanelli (R) criticizes fellow GOP Rep. Ann Kelley's anti-LGBT school bill.

PC: Who is Martha Washington?
AK: [George Washington's] wife.
PC: With your bill, how could that be mentioned in the classroom?
AK: That's not sexual orientation.
PC: Really? pic.twitter.com/3usn7LUg6Q
— Heartland Signal (@HeartlandSignal) March 6, 2023

toronto https://t.co/LPcwUMNv4L
— maraming salami (@villianxssbutch) March 6, 2023

I'm deleting dating apps and going back to bed with my vibrator pic.twitter.com/jQ83oIlLfC
— abby govindan (@abbygov) March 6, 2023

Was it firing everyone https://t.co/QmduDut5O0
— Silvia Killingsworth (@silviakillings) March 6, 2023

game on the line is SCOTT FOSTER TIME BABYhttps://t.co/D00euluSbK pic.twitter.com/Q8UPZ9Hd6X
— 🚁Sky Wob🚁 (@WorldWideWob) March 7, 2023

March 7

pic.twitter.com/Y9aJ4BfRQq
— jo (@whatsJo) March 8, 2023

Before vs. after the lawyer calls pic.twitter.com/qW6AO1ftCi
— Ken Klippenstein (@kenklippenstein) March 8, 2023

Let me see if I have this straight.

Elon Musk fires a dude who's owed $100 million if he gets fired. In the process of firing him, Elon revealed and insulted the man's private medical condition, exposing Twitter to a simply massive lawsuit.

And people still think he's a genius.
— Patrick S. Tomlinson (@stealthygeek) March 7, 2023

I literally was the Head of Strategy at Twitter.

Not even kidding.

Anyone who followed me last year knows this is true - @elonmusk can verify. pic.twitter.com/tjYUlJCmgn
— Compound248 💰 (@compound248) March 8, 2023

Every employment lawyer on the planet watching Elon disclose an employee's disability, claim he's faking it, and state it was part of why he was fired. pic.twitter.com/DYO3qW0rKG
— Zane Schacht - Voice Goblin 🐀 (@VoicesByZane) March 7, 2023

tfw you find out you would have to pay $100 million if you fired the guy you just fired pic.twitter.com/sdjF77cTRp
— pixelatedboat aka "mr tweets" (@pixelatedboat) March 8, 2023

hitting the most divorced man alive with a "i sleep in a big bed with my wife" is killing me lmao https://t.co/i663ApGHVD
— maybe: xavier (@couldbexav) March 7, 2023

My company just listed on LinkedIn a job posting for what I'm currently doing (so we're hiring another UX writer) and now thanks to salary transparency laws, I see that they intend to pay this person $32k-$90k more than they currently pay me, so I applied.
— Kimberly Nguyen (@knguyenpoetry) March 7, 2023

Welcome to 2023, where you literally can't drive a car in a random direction without hitting a podcast. https://t.co/sLVatMt4aq
— Tom Doran 🇺🇦🏴󠁧󠁢󠁷󠁬󠁳󠁿🇬🇧 (@portraitinflesh) March 7, 2023

Goodman's line reading of "Donny, shut the f- when do we play" is what would've landed him the Oscar in anything resembling a good and just world https://t.co/pXCsMaz9LR
— AK Lingus (@aklingus) March 7, 2023

it's so funny that Spaghetti Westerns are called that because they were directed by Italians. imagine if people started calling marvel movies Hamburger Shonen
— ape attack survivor (@pissvortex) March 7, 2023

I wish I loved anything as much as this dog loves reggae. 🔊 🆙️ pic.twitter.com/om1hk8eHUc
— Paul Bronks (@SlenderSherbet) March 7, 2023

pretty shocked no one's ever sent this to me before pic.twitter.com/fp49bW8M25
— Z. Emerson 🍒 (@World0fEcho) March 7, 2023

Your ancestors hunted mammoths with a spear,
you can walk past a goose on the sidewalk.
— Oklahoma Department of Wildlife Conservation (@OKWildlifeDept) March 7, 2023

Stayed up last night trying to finish my bathroom floor. Watched a YouTube tutorial in desperation. In the middle of the YouTube the woman gets out her phone and watches a YouTube tutorial. pic.twitter.com/LIhdYMFif4
— David Hill (@davehill77) March 7, 2023

March 8

remembering this on international women's day pic.twitter.com/AgK7P5oN4Y
— slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) March 8, 2023

don't forget to leave milk and cookies out for Women
— leigh (@daughter_ion) March 8, 2023

i have laughed at this @TheOnion headline and photo at least once per day for almost a full month pic.twitter.com/kVkE1gcKuA
— martin rickman (@martinrickman) March 8, 2023

This is the funniest possible outcome to this entire "wokeness" circus show pic.twitter.com/B7moSzZsKw
— Santiago Mayer (@santiagomayer_) March 8, 2023

the director has this loaded and ready to go pic.twitter.com/XSp9UKqNcL
— BUM CHILLUPS AKA SPENCER HALL (@edsbs) March 8, 2023

hey man don't be named that. don't be named Gibson Jimerson. pic.twitter.com/I9bkYBXB5j
— bobby (@bobby) March 8, 2023

for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to... english

here's a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with "the hangover"

...i mean VERY BAD TRIP pic.twitter.com/YoPzIb0pq1
— juan (@juanbuis) March 8, 2023

Fred VanVleet went OFF on referee Ben Taylor and NBA reffing in general in his post-game after the Raptors loss. Haven't heard anything like this. pic.twitter.com/VcMkGTh0k3
— Faizal Khamisa (@SNFaizalKhamisa) March 9, 2023

On the latest episode of The Mandalorian he visits the long lost home of the Hartford Whalers pic.twitter.com/cX7qOqePUt
— Aaron (@BobbyBigWheel) March 9, 2023

Elephants got them checking in https://t.co/Q8akLzIQxX
— Hi I'm Solomon (@solomonmissouri) March 8, 2023

Legit call from the school:

Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
— who cares (@DianaG2772) March 8, 2023

She's an activist. She's a catalyst for change. She's a voice for the voiceless. She's a light in the dark. https://t.co/3M1FnBErIK
— soapy εϊз (@soapyhadid) March 8, 2023

the tiktokification of every app needs to stop I'm begging https://t.co/5UDWaLEwjH
— Hurt CoPain (@SaeedDiCaprio) March 8, 2023

It never ceases to amaze me how some people can be so opposed to vaccines and masks but are happy to drink pee, put coffee in their butts, take horse dewormer, sun their buttholes, and irradiate their balls. https://t.co/3wzKrwadUf
— T. Ryan Gregory (@TRyanGregory) March 8, 2023

Scheduling a meeting:

American: "I'm having brain surgery tomorrow from 2-5pm but can do 5:15pm tomorrow if that works"

European: "Tomorrow is the 789th anniversary of the local cheesemaker setting up shop in our town, which is a 3-day holiday, but I can do next week."
— Chris Bakke (@ChrisJBakke) March 8, 2023

 
March 9

I'm the guy who named all the batteries (A, AA, AAA, AAAA) so I thought I'd offer a chemical engineering breakdown of how they got these names:

1.) I am afraid of electricity
— Ron Iver (@ronnui_) March 9, 2023

Blooper of Julia Louis-Dreyfus swearing on Sesame Street, 1994 pic.twitter.com/vQv1APHMsF
— Historic Vids (@historyinmemes) March 10, 2023

sorry but literally everyone i knew went insane https://t.co/mZU38yZJlH
— 💖💞 soapy 💞💖 (@soapyhnnh) March 9, 2023

probably the funniest genre of post by the type of person who pays for twitter blue pic.twitter.com/U5e7NB4Cye
— pudding person (@JUNlPER) March 9, 2023

there really aren't many people with weirder life archs than Arnold. trying to explain his existence in like, 150 years is going to be almost impossible https://t.co/puOdHPEtrq
— Robert Evans (The Only Robert Evans) (@IwriteOK) March 9, 2023

Happy 6th anniversary to the greatest moment in the history of the internet pic.twitter.com/QYAunxfrUR
— Declan Cashin (@Tweet_Dec) March 10, 2023

I don't bring this up much because I don't want to be a bummer, but I think the entire world is actually still currently experiencing large-scale psychotic episode thanks to the pandemic that is affecting every aspect of our lives and is made worse by our inability to admit it. https://t.co/nblye6XMaf
— Ryan Broderick (@broderick) March 9, 2023

This is a picture of me doing stand up comedy on instagram live for 12 people using a steamer as a microphone https://t.co/BJyZHTHEFb pic.twitter.com/6cghF3wn5N
— gianmarco (@GianmarcoSoresi) March 10, 2023

maybe because we've destroyed or privatized most public spaces and demonized or criminalized teens hanging out in groups in what remains? no it must be phones https://t.co/QT0cAPYVr0
— strawberry garfield🥤 (@megan_e_riley) March 9, 2023

The Muppets were wild during the mid-2000's 😂

And this was AFTER Disney had bought them pic.twitter.com/iExC6niTHm
— Muppet History 🌼 (@HistoryMuppet) March 9, 2023

someone stole my phone last week and i just saw these photos on my iCloud pic.twitter.com/JqhFiMhdPA
— swiss chalamet (@2FEMCEL2FURIOUS) March 9, 2023

This guy's whole life is like if the Talented Mr. Ripley just got busted constantly for everything and it didn't matter https://t.co/eEAnLvKhHU
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) March 10, 2023

Stay tuned…
— Is Mitch McConnell Dead Yet? (@IsMitchDeadYet) March 9, 2023

The first time he diedpic.twitter.com/64GJQCARX3 https://t.co/jT4MeF6Jds
— John Frankensteiner (@JFrankensteiner) March 10, 2023

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: March 10, 2023

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