Where did you go Mr. Clean, a superstar comedian you have already seen, no NBA and too much green, COVID-19 doesn't scare a TikTok teen and much more from this week in funny tweets.

March 7

I've heard that coronavirus is going to cause a massive shortage of books, which will be essential when we're all stuck at home, so it's very important for everyone to rush out and start panic-buying novels. Thank you.
— Mark Edwards (@mredwards) March 7, 2020

*Daylights savings time*

My phone: Bet

My microwave: pic.twitter.com/38wxlJuP4h
— 🌑 (@Kofie) March 8, 2020

YOU GUYS. I just saw the most wild thing! A man started walking toward the Girl Scouts cookie stand in front of the grocery store and he yelled "my bitches are BACK" and this Girl Scout just yelled "no. Walk away." AND HE DID.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) March 7, 2020

A woman at this road gig told me she thought I stole a joke from a more successful comedian but turns out she'd just seen me recently in a much nicer place.
— KatieEllen Humphries (@MsKatieEllen) March 8, 2020

March 8

Life comes at you fast. pic.twitter.com/E6FvIiGKxK
— Matt McDermott (@mattmfm) March 9, 2020

Interesting. There hasn't been a single Zodiac killing since Ted Cruz went into self-quarantine.
— ben schwartz (@benschwartz_) March 9, 2020

Does this mean Covid-19 is not a democratic hoax? https://t.co/HvBafITpPU
— Molly Jong-Fast (@MollyJongFast) March 8, 2020

what is this sorcery ?
(allietuggle IG) pic.twitter.com/jyZAnCvISx
— Humor And Animals (@humorandanimals) March 8, 2020

Italy has banned weddings and funerals for 16 million people. Japan has closed schools for a month. France and Iraq have banned public gatherings. The U.N. has canceled all physical meetings to address climate change. Americans are uncertain what to do about Coachella. https://t.co/xFR45Z8dZk
— James Hamblin (@jameshamblin) March 8, 2020

March 9

I love how major American cities are like "due to fears about coronavirus, we will now be cleaning public spaces with some regularity"
— 🥪 (@telushk) March 9, 2020

https://t.co/FTaDWaGNmr pic.twitter.com/jgAlU5wH4K
— Kevin M. Kruse (@KevinMKruse) March 10, 2020

I wish all these quarantined officials the best. But the turnabout of this year's CPAC from a multi-day COVID-19 trolling event to a vector of the contagion is something that would scarcely be believable in a movie script.
— Josh Marshall (@joshtpm) March 9, 2020

"Maybe if you were nicer, I would have lived up to my stated values"

-- White liberal proverb
— Andray (@andraydomise) March 9, 2020

Corona got these flights cheap as hell I gotta job interview in Greece Monday
— Nicholas Gerr PhD. (@TrilliamClinton) March 9, 2020

NOT NOW, BEARS https://t.co/2wbLnH0KSG
— Helen Thomas (@helentbbc) March 9, 2020

So we still at Zero https://t.co/tjfiE52vXz
— Grinch (@ReturnsGrinch) March 9, 2020

March 10

Confirmed cases:

* US: 755
* Mexico: seven. https://t.co/WwIMNuiUq5
— Carl Quintanilla (@carlquintanilla) March 10, 2020

GO OUTSIDE AND GET THE STOCK MARKET UP!!! pic.twitter.com/ycgRCdvWph
— Conner O'Malley (@conner_omalley) March 10, 2020

Hello! Here's a ROCKET SHIP SFX JOKE - Pass it on! pic.twitter.com/u31qDKblMB
— Chris Locke (@chrislockeworld) March 10, 2020

During social distancing, it's important to remember good conference call etiquette:

- awkward silence
- can you hear me
- [weird small talk because someone is 10 min late]
- BEEP BOOP
- strange crunch
- heavy breath
- oops sorry you go ahead
- sorry no, you
- BOOP beep
- bye?
— Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) March 10, 2020

One man... immune to information.

PANDUMBIC pic.twitter.com/gZUPZJBmwV
— The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) March 10, 2020

no one:
COVID-19: https://t.co/44hjHuZFid
— Paul McCallion (@OrangePaulp) March 10, 2020

casual sex implies that there is ranked competitive sex
— hnk kosiris🕊️🌺 (@kosmishima) March 10, 2020

March 11

Lmfao it's all fake. The government can just do Medicare for all if they wanted to. They just hate you and want you to die. https://t.co/DHCeiYvZXg
— windsurfing with Sting in Montserrat (@alexjs85) March 11, 2020

Two days ago, Rudy Gobert joked about giving everyone coronavirus. Now he's tested positive, and the NBA cancelled its season.

Keep your hands to yourself. https://t.co/25db21EoEl
— Eric Columbus (@EricColumbus) March 12, 2020

HE HAS CORONAVIRUS AND HE DONT CARE, STARTING AT CENTER ITS RUDY GOBERT pic.twitter.com/agbtaDD2tH
— Elijah (@elijahhorton94) March 12, 2020

alanis morissette: i want you to know that i'm happy for you

ex boyfriend: aww :)

alanis morissette: i wish nothing but the best for you both

ex boyfriend: thank you, it's good that you're taking it so wel-

alanis morissette: *deep breath*
— Indy 🧞‍♂️ (@IndecisiveJones) March 11, 2020

Mark Cuban said this like a movie.

It was literally a scene in Space Jam. pic.twitter.com/vNrUvDqrWO
— John Elizondo (@johndelizondo) March 12, 2020

I don't think a video could define our generation better than this kid making a tiktok while being tested for corona pic.twitter.com/flVqOMjHSu
— Eric D (@ericd) March 11, 2020

My ten year old is not having it. pic.twitter.com/rNv32181GD
— R Bratten Weiss (@Prof_RBW) March 11, 2020

It has been years and I keep thinking about why they didn't just edit this out lol pic.twitter.com/GbeM7y3uLd
— yes, really. (@simonefiasco_) March 12, 2020

corona virus my tweets
🤝
funny at first but people are
starting to get concerned now
— Gråçë (@garrcie) March 11, 2020

First Coachella is cancelled and now Thanksgiving smh https://t.co/KP5mo47m65
— Will (@Schwendipity) March 11, 2020

My manager went on a 8 week sabbatical on Jan 25th and him and his wife rented a cabin in the North Carolina woods and didn't bring no type of technology with them so they could enjoy each other company. Nigga finna come back to pure hell. He don't even know Kobe gone
— Marcus (@STOPFLEXIN) March 11, 2020

the way boomers feel about coronavirus rn is how millennials feel about climate change all the time
— matthew miles goodrich (@mmilesgoodrich) March 10, 2020

March 12

I have been informed by a relative who is a middle school teacher that students are now referring to coronavirus as the "boomer remover"
— B. W. Carlin (@BaileyCarlin) March 12, 2020

The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.
— Liam Hackett (@DiageoLiam) March 12, 2020

Not to be alarmist but if Kevin Bacon tests positive we're all fucked. #COVD19
— Danny Zuker (@DannyZuker) March 12, 2020

When the world needed him the most, he vanished. https://t.co/knZzHcywsu
— hasani (@hasanibubbani) March 12, 2020

late-stage capitalism put under even the slightest stress looks exactly what capitalists claim socialism looks like https://t.co/Hc9pGPfdhg
— ben shapiro has a small penis (@agrabruh) March 12, 2020

going to be very depressing when, in two weeks, every website is filled with essays with headlines like "Binge-Watching in the Age of Coronavirus" and "The Radical Feminism of Social Distancing" and "What Quarantine Taught Me About Vulnerability and Self-Care"
— Stassa Edwards (@StassaEdwards) March 12, 2020

In global disaster movies, there's always a scientist who's like, WE HAVE TO ACT NOW OR PEOPLE WILL DIE and some government guy who's like, YOU'RE BLOWING THIS OUT OF PROPORTION and I'm like, NO ONE WOULD REACT TO INFO LIKE THAT IN REAL LIFE.

My apologies to those movies.
— DL (@davelozo) March 12, 2020

1918: Toronto wins its first Stanley Cup
1919: Stanley Cup cancelled

1992-93: Toronto wins its first World Series
1994: World Series cancelled

2019: Toronto wins its first NBA Championship
2020: NBA Championship potentially cancelled

The fuck did Toronto do?
— ℳatt (@matttomic) March 13, 2020

Things Covid has proven:

1. The job you were told couldn't be done remotely can be done remotely

2. Many disabled workers could have been working from home, but corporations just didnt want them to.

3. Internet is a utility, not a luxury

4. Universal healthcare is necessary
— Marcus Gray LaPorte (@MarcusGrayDoor) March 12, 2020

March 13

Day 2 of no basketball : just found out my girl fav color green. Who tf like green
— CliffNotez (@_YoCliff) March 13, 2020

bitch... this scared ME. https://t.co/KKVnhSFT4R
— Kehlani (@Kehlani) March 13, 2020

We are quite literally not being tested https://t.co/SHtSInW0wv
— JP (@jpbrammer) March 13, 2020

Via my Indian coworker today: "why white people so obsessed with this 'paper.' You have water, you have soap. Why can you not wash your ass!"
— Pigeon Fancier (@isabelzawtun) March 13, 2020

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: March 13, 2020

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