I lost my virginity, marriage for infinity, Turning Red and femininity, knowing the laws in your vicinity, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

March 11

drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
— farah mynaf ☾ (@farahmynaf) March 12, 2022

i don't have imposter syndrome i am legitimately bad at my job
— asherah (@e_asherah) March 11, 2022

When your cat sees you getting ready for your 3rd date with 3 different guys in 3 days...https://t.co/h8mQKnEYE3 pic.twitter.com/bsJOj4g7Lb
— Dr. Ajayita (@DoctorAjayita) March 12, 2022

so a couple weeks ago we came home and hubie pooed on the rug … I cleaned it, put it in the wash, sanitized it and it came out like this. does it say BITCH or am I going insane pic.twitter.com/lz6rmrO5AT
— rebecca jennings (@rebexxxxa) March 11, 2022

Used something I picked up in Twitter. After I was harassed for wearing a mask by a guy when I was out shopping ….I replied: "I wear a mask because of the deep state's facial recognition system". This froze the person for quite a while. I think I caused a meltdown.
— George Wachsmuth (@GeorgeWachsmuth) March 11, 2022

Grimes leaving Elon for Chelsea Manning confirms my grandfather's theory that reading even a page of Karl Marx can turn you lesbian
— Kate Willett (@katewillett) March 11, 2022

Marriage is just hanging out forever. If you like hanging out you can be married.
— Daisy Alioto (@daisandconfused) March 12, 2022

March 12

I love when married people are like marriage is the best!! it's hard work!!! it is work it is hard and the work is hard!! it is the hardest work I have ever worked hard at!!!! like ok I already have a job so no thank you I'm good then
— danielle weisberg (@danielleweisber) March 12, 2022

If Turning Red took place in 2012 instead of 2002, these girls would run Tumblr like the fucking Navy pic.twitter.com/F5CZld9iz9
— sam y'all (@samiamrosenberg) March 13, 2022

Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed pic.twitter.com/D1ecfGq1DO
— Taylor Lorenz (@TaylorLorenz) March 12, 2022

Grimes went to McGill and Musk went to Queen's, so if one kid goes to Western and the other to UBC we will have the most unbearable family in human history
— Claire Palmer (@clairepalmster) March 13, 2022

The pure dread of seeing a band start setting up in the sleepy bar you're having a quiet drink in
— Pictures of Dives (@picturesofdives) March 13, 2022

wtf western dental do to this man 😭 pic.twitter.com/EkLqNc2PUC
— fer♌️ (@ferngalvn) March 12, 2022

Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
— s. e. smith (@sesmith) March 13, 2022

pic.twitter.com/8KuNtTwKFY
— 🌏🐶🦕🥳 Hieronymus Burps 🥦💥 and 68 others (@hieronymus_burp) March 12, 2022

March 13

Now this is just funny pic.twitter.com/f4SKn5xUYG
— SPENCE, TODD (@Todd_Spence) March 13, 2022

Superb tiny bannister I saw in a new build today pic.twitter.com/68dTokSbpH
— Liam Bolton (@liam__bolton) March 13, 2022

Father of the Year https://t.co/OzUQ5nM9gV
— david cross✍ (@davidcrosss) March 13, 2022

Tom brady met his kids and wife for the first time and said fuck that
— * (@bigguccicraigy) March 13, 2022

Happy "my car clock is right again" day to all who celebrate
— mary 🤯🐿🤠🤷‍♀️ (@nekopog) March 13, 2022

Is there an all non-dude King Crimson cover band called Queen Crimson or do I have to LEARN HOW TO PLAY THE FUCKING CHAPMAN STICK MYSELF
— Julie Klausner (@julieklausner) March 13, 2022

if you have a crush on a man DONT PANIC. here's what you do. follow them on social media for a few months, they'll say something truly awful, boom crush ended. u got this!!
— LaneMoore👉3/18 NYC (@hellolanemoore) March 13, 2022

March 14

15 y/o me: this music is making my iq go up i can feel it
MF DOOM: cheetos doritos or fritos
— Gale Na (@poisonjr) March 14, 2022

why would I want furniture from a century that was mid
— Karli Marulli (@VeryFineHat) March 14, 2022

Hang on,
I gotta put away King Henry the fucking 8th's Milk pic.twitter.com/yqLfd3yrzL
— jonathan slater (@slater_jona) March 14, 2022

It has taken me 13 years to get 300 followers on Twitter. Here's how I did it 🧵
— Jeff Craven (@jeffbcraven) March 14, 2022

[guy who was clearly not doing well before daylight savings]: yeah man this time change has got me fucked up idk
— my life is a living hell. every minute is torture (@on_da_spectrum) March 14, 2022

March 15

i like that every villain in the Adam West Batman show is introduced as an already-established nemesis. no buildup, no origin; just catching them right in the middle of a timeless feud
— The Brandon (@Thatoneguy64) March 15, 2022

Just contacted Kurt Cobain's spirit to ask how he feels about the Nirvana song in Batman. He said, "I'm proud to help tell Batman's story and to be a part of the DC Comics family."
— Michael A. Balazo (@mbalazo) March 16, 2022

pic.twitter.com/wPVb46xjmw
— Musical Instruments with Chaotic Auras (@MusicalChaotic) March 16, 2022

This is the best Behind the Music clip ever pic.twitter.com/Wo0Uzag1jC
— AdequateEmily (@AdequateEmily) March 15, 2022

only writing recipes in wordart from now on pic.twitter.com/g10tn30jSD
— tom (@tomsmithfood) March 15, 2022

Why are we stopping at daylight savings?! Ban 6am. Make it always Friday. Go nuts.
— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) March 15, 2022

electricity went out and i had a small meltdown at work today pic.twitter.com/C38ie6PNqo
— Pragun Dua 🍟 (@pragdua) March 15, 2022

The "Canadian 69" is when you use grant money to pay the CBC prize submission fee
— Beautiful CanLit (@ILoveCanLit) March 16, 2022

Me: Is a sideboob like when you're cheating on your main boob with that boob

Dentist: I don't understand, we've given you all the anesthesia we have
— Michael's okay (@Home_Halfway) March 15, 2022

NASA's male engineers (rocket scientists) sent 100 tampons into space because they thought that's how many tampons the first woman in space is going to need for her 7 day trip.

So yeah. I'm totally okay with Pixar's Turning Red teaching kids about periods.
— Amir Pakdel MD PhD (@DrAmirPakdel) March 16, 2022

March 16

Great, I took my two young children to Turning Red and now have to explain to them what Toronto is
— Grace Smith (@Gracectomy) March 16, 2022

every part of a vagina sounds like it was named by wizards
— cass city (@HeavenlyGrandpa) March 16, 2022

If you wanna be my lover
You gotta honk my horn
Make it last forever,
the horn must honk till morn
— Chris Locke (@chrislockeworld) March 17, 2022

for years I have extensively researched bad tweets. I have even put out some myself. but I'm reluctant to believe anything will ever top this. pic.twitter.com/oEN1N6a0fG
— keyv (@most_opppressed) March 16, 2022

A porn company is paying me $800 USD to write a 2,000 word non-academic article. In academia I write 10,000 word articles with references throughout without pay. Pretty symbolic of my entire experience of sex work in comparison to academia.
— Sophie Pezzutto (they/she) (@sophiepezzutto) March 17, 2022

Okay just learned that tickling the ivories is a piano reference and has NOTHING to do with making white ppl laugh
— Vinny Thomas (@vinn_ayy) March 17, 2022

Sorrryyyy we keep forgetting some of these fuckers can fly. So look out for that
— Jurassic Park Updates (@JurassicPark2go) March 17, 2022

March 17

Epic move by IU cheerleading. Fantastic. pic.twitter.com/KmRIGHcCOz
— Lauren Peikoff (@laurenpeikoff) March 18, 2022

Who runs this theater… THE JOKER?? pic.twitter.com/fmli2xCCuL
— Joey 🐉🏎 Weiser (@joeyweiser) March 17, 2022

Riddle me this, Batman… Why do they call it oven when you of in the cold food of out hot eat the food? pic.twitter.com/EtW0JfFfSY
— meg "Alana" bitchell (@MeganBitchell) March 17, 2022

being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad's gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
— Anne Sundell (@anne_sundell) March 17, 2022

The kid knew the law and made the cop walk away in shame 🔥 pic.twitter.com/NU4dxzvDwJ
— 🥀_Imposter_🕸️ (@Imposter_Edits) March 17, 2022

I had a layover in the Moscow airport one time. I believe this gives me a unique insight into the Russian mindset, 1/9
— Emma Berquist (@eeberquist) March 17, 2022

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: March 18, 2022

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