March 16
"why is everything a performance with you, Tony?" 🔊 pic.twitter.com/9CX3AFIK9d
— Paul Bronks (@SlenderSherbet) March 16, 2019
"with all due respect mr oz I don't think you appreciate how seriously I take this talking frog alien's motivations" https://t.co/hJw9zegsEJ
— Rebecca Watson (@rebeccawatson) March 16, 2019
what the fuckpic.twitter.com/luKH1x8zXf
— Unusual Videos 🤔 (@UnusualVideos) March 16, 2019
Omg, Fraser Anning, the Australian Senator who said bigoted comments after the Christchurch mosque massacre, got hit with an egg during his press conference. #eggboypic.twitter.com/VLFD59vg9H
— Erick Fernandez (@ErickFernandez) March 16, 2019
can someone give eggboy a snorkel so he doesn't drown in pussy
— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) March 16, 2019
March 17
— *leem noises* (@PolyphonicLemur) March 17, 2019
my grandma talking to my dad about her new hearing aid, "it's the most expensive one u can buy, it cost me $4,000."
— jarrett (@jarrettstodg) March 17, 2019
my dad: "what kind is it?"
my grandma: "it's 4:15pm"
Every single episode of Queer Eye is like four of the fab five having a fun week doing makeovers and Bobby working 19 hours a day putting up drywall
— kaye toal (@ohkayewhatever) March 17, 2019
Screenshotting cuz I don't want this one to get deleted pic.twitter.com/Jn8mw5z5sc
— Liza (@prairiedress) March 18, 2019
George Orwell visits a farm pic.twitter.com/djVQR4a1rO
— Pixelated Boat: The Junior Novelization (@pixelatedboat) March 17, 2019
March 18
do not date men older than 25 they are all tired
— cassie cao (@thecassiecao) March 18, 2019
[swimming pool]
— Sassparilla 🦔 (@Megatronic13) March 18, 2019
Me: but what if there's a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that's impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it's improbable
I was a fat kid also and managed to do 0% of the mass murdering. Could there be another variable at play? pic.twitter.com/KfJ4rCoqpS
— rained out family BBQ w/ heated political argument (@raaleh) March 18, 2019
Damn has this guy been on EVERY counter? pic.twitter.com/G4eSkO2yHJ
— The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) March 18, 2019
A lot of people don't know that rapper 2 Chainz got his name from a ceiling fan.
— mark normand (@marknorm) March 18, 2019
So good pic.twitter.com/367Ia4EiAQ
— Rick Wilson (@TheRickWilson) March 18, 2019
March 19
weeeeeee pic.twitter.com/ndYXDB7pv2
— Rob Perez (@WorldWideWob) March 19, 2019
[when we're a quarter of the way there]
— Abbie (@AbbieEvansXO) March 19, 2019
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Doctors' appointments feel like job interviews where you only get to talk about your weaknesses
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) March 19, 2019
Yeah, I don't know, man pic.twitter.com/kwL02ldiIz
— Tom Segura (@tomsegura) March 20, 2019
Meanwhile in Russia...the 'male slapping championships' took place in Krasnoyarsk. The winner, Vasiliy Kamotskiy (left) took home 30,000 rubles (£350) 👏🇷🇺pic.twitter.com/aXQkMkmbd6
— Danny Armstrong (@DannyWArmstrong) March 19, 2019
March 20
LMFAOOOOO pic.twitter.com/K0sJSGsll6
— ً (@Hzrris) March 20, 2019
Never give up! Before they invented the hot air balloon, they tried THOUSANDS of other temperatures.
— "Ian" Abramson (@ianabramson) March 20, 2019
Trump is just angry at McCain because the Hanoi Hilton has a better Yelp rating than any of his hotels
— Matt Oswalt (@MattOswaltVA) March 20, 2019
Trump is so incompetent that he's fighting with a dead body and the dead body is winning
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) March 20, 2019
March 21
White House insiders say Trump's 2020 campaign platform will include infrastructure investment and going to Hell to kill John McCain again
— Pixelated Boat: The Junior Novelization (@pixelatedboat) March 21, 2019
They're not fucking cigars https://t.co/4Ef1j2ZisK
— Sharon Horgan (@SharonHorgan) March 21, 2019
Socially liberal, fiscally conservative pic.twitter.com/ZE3Gaa02qr
— Coffee is for closers (@Beersforopeners) March 21, 2019
Stop making new flavors of Diet Coke. The original flavor, chemicals, is already perfect.
— Alison Leiby (@AlisonLeiby) March 21, 2019
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
— bletchley punk (@alicegoldfuss) March 21, 2019
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
If college basketball is this good, imagine how good grad school basketball must be.
— J.P. McDade (@jp_mcdade) March 21, 2019
There should be an app that lets you know if that stranger you gave directions to ever found the place.
— Scott Aukerman (@ScottAukerman) March 21, 2019
March 22
prequels i'd like to see get made:
— kim beans (@KimmyMonte) March 22, 2019
•Jaw
•Apocalypse Then
•The Blair Witch Assignment
•Snakes Getting A Ride To The Airport
•Dance Lessons With Wolves
•Star Disagreements
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
— clean slate 🦔 (@PleaseBeGneiss) March 22, 2019
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
My old high school classmates are so fucking pathetic and stupid hahahaha can you imagine being so boring that you drive your car home from your job to make tacos with the love of your life on marble countertops in a home you own?? I have an improv show at 1 AM tonight
— Gabbi Boyd (@GabbiBoyd) March 22, 2019
When Alice Cooper sings "Feed my Frankenstein," he is of course referring to his penis. But as "Frankenstein" names the doctor & not his monster, we might argue Cooper is endowing his penis not w/ dumb compulsion but w/ a different, overwhelmingly "monstrous" desire...to create.
— MARK LITTLE VERY GOOD (@markmarklittle) March 22, 2019
FROM: Mueller, Robert
— Emmy Bengtson (@EmmyA2) March 22, 2019
TO: Barr, William
SUBJECT: Final report
Hey - attaching report. Thanks.
----
FROM: Mueller, Robert
TO: Barr, William
SUBJECT: Re: Final report 📎
Oops sorry. Actually attaching this time. Lol
📄
It's a testament to Robert Mueller's work ethic that he is trending, but choosing not to drop his SoundCloud link
— Zack Bornstein (@ZackBornstein) March 23, 2019
Men naming their sons after them is a classic case of slapping your name on a completed project after someone else did all the work
— Pigeon Fancier (@isabelzawtun) March 23, 2019
Nothing is more humiliating for my laptop than when I use it to look up new, better laptops
— Nic Sampson (@NicSampson) March 23, 2019
i drew a comic about an affair pic.twitter.com/PvBsSlkKUx
— Mikey Heller (@yoyorobot) March 22, 2019
Dogs are so likable you just accept their favorite treat is a piece of a skeleton.
— Brad Wenzel (@BradWenzel) March 22, 2019