Types of wifes, Gwyneth Paltrow's ski life, Donald Trump's legal strife, Sofia Coppola's daughter shows off a knife, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

March 17

dude your soda rocks pic.twitter.com/E3Hl4eZSKd
— kim (@KimmyMonte) March 17, 2023

bro spent every penny he earned from The Last Of Us https://t.co/rPCIXWrmpg
— Chris? (@PrblyNotChris) March 17, 2023

On last night's @JetBlue flight, ONT-JFK: "Is anyone missing a CAT. A grey-and-white CAT." Yes I woke up for this. pic.twitter.com/XE5ywPM9x7
— Yi Shun Lai (賴儀遜) (@gooddirt) March 17, 2023

When my friend plays a song i thought they knew nothing about. pic.twitter.com/R0zGHXfbai
— . (@Unloved5x) March 17, 2023

Oh my god this loser pic.twitter.com/9LlTEsZOK2
— Stop Cop City (@JoshuaPHilll) March 18, 2023

beast mode pic.twitter.com/QQ4TyuFsOb
— pudding person (@JUNlPER) March 17, 2023

Who would you say is the *star* of Space Jam? pic.twitter.com/KhjgFYsU74
— Chris Berube (@ChrisBerube) March 17, 2023

Brian Cox taking every opportunity to denigrate method acting – the favoured technique of on-screen son Jeremy Strong, a character who desperately wants to impress his emotionally cruel father – is, wonderfully, very method. https://t.co/TVOwLw2Thm
— Nev Pierce (@nevpierce) March 17, 2023

RIP Lance Reddick, one of the only people to genuinely rattle Eric Andre pic.twitter.com/Zkjvm8FwfL
— Tom Broome-Jones (@TBroomey) March 17, 2023

started replying to job rejection emails with "lol good luck", highly recommended
— WATCH KAIPOCALYPSE NOW (@kaicomedy) March 18, 2023

https://t.co/V8FYy5T1ZE pic.twitter.com/wZq4Npqb8p
— king mommy (@old_lindsay) March 17, 2023

I wasn't prepared for the specificity with which Google answered this. pic.twitter.com/oecAIHA8lU
— jim rose circus (@jimrosecircus1) March 17, 2023

i can't believe the can't define woke lady is also the euthanized her mom lady, the 'it's time to befriend neo nazis' lady AND the 'my kid's mask is this gross after one period' lady. that's TOO much main character energy for one person that's insane she needs to be locked up
— old tom (@YuckyTom) March 17, 2023

From the top rope https://t.co/M9YKVMjP6o
— steve albini (@electricalWSOP) March 17, 2023

.@FBI https://t.co/XnCUQMBZ9s
— pudding person (@JUNlPER) March 18, 2023

the FBI think they slick https://t.co/R0zPTE2rLI
— Corn ✧⍣ (@upblissed) March 17, 2023

 
March 18

https://t.co/1bkenV7e5w pic.twitter.com/sYC7MBBgCz
— Criminalsimpsons (@Criminalsimpson) March 18, 2023

And then I paid Gilbert Gottfried to recreate it on Cameo. https://t.co/nfV5Hih054 pic.twitter.com/Y3a4xYcD3A
— Jordan VanDina (@JordanVanDina) March 18, 2023

do tennis players know if they hit the ball a little gentler their friend could hit it back and they could play longer
— danielle weisberg (@danielleweisber) March 19, 2023

https://t.co/NXSUb5ixDw pic.twitter.com/riNDTRbtfO
— the thicc husband & father (@lukeisamazing) March 18, 2023

i love this carnivore diet guy on tiktok whose diet is so clearly killing him that his face is like seven different colors now pic.twitter.com/qTDpUxwz0B
— LeTÁRd Triller Moth (@legotrillermoth) March 19, 2023

i have many questions pic.twitter.com/3h8ghx8aEa
— beth (@bethbourdon) March 18, 2023

A homeschooled boy named after a car stood up and said I have the power of fuckman pic.twitter.com/IbssSDeR5S
— father john whiskey (@failsonA) March 18, 2023

Helpful literary criticism from my 6th grader: "If there's a dog on the cover and the book has won an award, I won't read it, because the dog definitely dies."
— Rebecca Makkai (@rebeccamakkai) March 18, 2023

I've been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example. pic.twitter.com/FiDhUQk2f1
— Josh Olson (@joshuarolson) March 18, 2023

me after an orgy at the UN pic.twitter.com/raa23ytVbd
— cas ketchum (@CrappyFumes) March 18, 2023

the DJ's face when they turn one small knob pic.twitter.com/A46ZYWUsgG
— Z. Emerson 🍒 (@World0fEcho) March 18, 2023

I just started watching Dateline and my friend sent me this and now I cant take these dudes seriously damn you bill hader pic.twitter.com/HKjv5eqWNC
— Marcella Arguello (@marcellacomedy) March 18, 2023

Your French coworkers, when someone adds a 3pm meeting on Friday to their calendar: pic.twitter.com/jv8UtSWI9I
— Chris Bakke (@ChrisJBakke) March 18, 2023

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! pic.twitter.com/Dg66jN56Bv
— MicheleWojciechowski (@TheMicheleWojo) March 18, 2023

no way pic.twitter.com/5cJ3MZC1Jc
— manuel darquart (@manueldarquart) March 18, 2023

March 19

Lois from Goodfellas kinda got that Shrek fit goin pic.twitter.com/aMh9lNFlzb
— Mike P - 🎃 Available for boards and revisions!🎃 (@PattenPending) March 20, 2023

This is still the most unintentional funny line in a documentary. pic.twitter.com/onAsHdPHjK
— Johann (@LookAtMyMeat1) March 19, 2023

succession s4 era. like you cant make this up pic.twitter.com/bZMAnZatyQ
— Simone Malec (@simonemalec) March 19, 2023

Just to recap, Republican Presidents:

Nixon: Cheated. Broke the law, resigned in shame.

Reagan: Cheated. GOP undermined US hostages to help him.

W. Bush: Cheated. Installed by Supreme Court which ended a recount he was going to lose.

Trump: Impeached twice. Committed treason. pic.twitter.com/YSaIz2Dqg3
— Mikel Jollett (@Mikel_Jollett) March 19, 2023

As people are talking about the Iraq war on its 20th anniversary. I like to present to you one of the greatest articles of all time on it. pic.twitter.com/xTwQBLIwpI
— Ancommie🏴🏳️‍🌈 (@Ancommiey) March 19, 2023

pic.twitter.com/NLC7Qr8dVR
— Satan (@s8n) March 19, 2023

"I've been cancelled because I wrote a book on cancel culture and then couldn't define the thing I was writing about" - I think this op-ed is the official shark-jumping moment for this particular grift. It's been mined out https://t.co/OaLGKRjozG
— Will Stancil (@whstancil) March 19, 2023

pic.twitter.com/FWZvGG3IZl
— potato bun (@911wench) March 19, 2023

I'm fucking crying pic.twitter.com/lmTNUgy8Ee
— jaya rajamani (@timeforjaya) March 19, 2023

hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
— in my tofu era (@weed_rat) March 19, 2023

my friends and I have fun pic.twitter.com/gqCUUw8wey
— shauna (@goldengateblond) March 19, 2023

So is this legally binding pic.twitter.com/4wlbvhVxNy
— Thor Benson (@thor_benson) March 19, 2023

Entertaining a big room of people and then walking home by yourself is the 9th circle or loneliness
— Fucked Up (@FUCKEDUP) March 19, 2023

Absolutely wild that before Facebook was a boomer wasteland, it was a reliable platform to organize and share events and get a vague idea of how many people would attend. And now somehow our best bet is IG which is basically a big telephone pole with 5 years of flyers taped to it
— dylan (@slothfella) March 19, 2023

stop this madness pic.twitter.com/nw7DQBaTa3
— gaut (@0xgaut) March 19, 2023

thinking about this hero pic.twitter.com/URSHiJs4Bn
— the hype (@TheHyyyype) March 19, 2023

I cried pic.twitter.com/vDPnwpQh0O
— Phoenician Thanker (@christweetsllc) March 20, 2023

 
March 20

*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*

The Pasta: pic.twitter.com/oV01XxbO1o
— Just Bianca  (@TamudaBianca) March 20, 2023

Nobody told me banks don't need to hear if you're traveling out of the country anymore. I called my bank to tell them I was going to Italy and they were just like "ok weird flex, congrats I guess"
— Ron Iver (@ronnui_) March 20, 2023

my cat constantly acts as if he knows he's be only beneficiary of my life insurance pic.twitter.com/CuanYDo8o0
— cats that are up to no good (@catsuptonogood) March 20, 2023

This is so funny. He's extolling the cats to go vegetarian during Ramadan. https://t.co/Ft5M0J3gig
— Frances Hasso (@nasawiyya) March 20, 2023

My night with tiny wasn't filmed https://t.co/p69SQqZb6F
— Stormy Daniels (@StormyDaniels) March 20, 2023

arresting donald trump is a slippery slope. a slippery slope to more hilarious shit that rules
— soul nate (@MNateShyamalan) March 20, 2023

I was able to get on the pro-Trump network "Right Side" and speak on behalf of Trump supporters. pic.twitter.com/e2BvCWW6o3
— Jason Selvig (@jasonselvig) March 21, 2023

Some phone signal she's getting down there https://t.co/ekPSoGrXJ2
— Connor (@skagtrendy91) March 20, 2023

Just so we're clear here, Florida wants to ban children from discussing their periods but also wants student athletes to report their periods, in case you were still unclear about how fucking dumb these people are.
— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) March 20, 2023

True, because we learned during Covid that half of y'all would hide zombie bites and still come into a "safe zone". https://t.co/qDOXAkY8aT
— LD3 (@Harlem4Dais) March 20, 2023

 
March 21

this tiktok of sofia coppola's daughter… this means so much to me pic.twitter.com/6AQtWNhAgG
— savannah bradley ~* (@savbrads) March 21, 2023

Her grounded teen daughter making a single TikTok and being immediately acclaimed as a filmmaking genius across the web has gotta feel like a worst-case scenario for Sofia Coppola.
— Malcolm Harris (@BigMeanInternet) March 22, 2023

This is so messed up. They should be in the wild. pic.twitter.com/AmH8VR5NQQ
— MattWillPost (@MattPostSaysHi) March 21, 2023

Me: I need a "personal massager"
Hitachi: No problem, here's our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn't happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You're not gonna believe this pic.twitter.com/IPvNHjYduD
— Robert Komaniecki (@Komaniecki_R) March 21, 2023

Last night I dreamed that I killed myself and left a note that said: "Clifford the Big Red Dog is too big"
— Viktor Winetrout (@Cpin42) March 22, 2023

amen pic.twitter.com/8A1EiNDu2p
— cats being weird little guys (@weirdlilguys) March 21, 2023

My cousin Crystal does not miss. She's a teacher, this is her door. Lol. pic.twitter.com/vN7BrAZk4z
— Tay-K 🔫 (@ohthatsmayo) March 21, 2023

white ppl snapped when they said "I don't give a rat's ass"
— Elizabeth (@doitmuvaaa) March 21, 2023

The French really did the "this is fine" meme. pic.twitter.com/iIIXFnju2S
— Paweł Wargan (@pawelwargan) March 21, 2023

if that hot ass oil don't kill them germs you was probably meant to d!e idk https://t.co/2wDNrrcbRU
— BTT (@bankierrr) March 21, 2023

You would never guess the cops dropped a loaded sniper rifle into a crowd full of drunk people based on the headline. Weird. https://t.co/FBuAJTEKkK
— COAbrah (@COAbrah) March 22, 2023

The New York Times, New York, January 3, 1897 pic.twitter.com/2boaDZIeKf
— Yesterday's Print (@yesterdaysprint) March 22, 2023

Van Halen is literally my fucking name you grape https://t.co/ceuP5axF1x
— Wolfgang Led Zeppelin (@WolfVanHalen) March 21, 2023

receptionist: how do you pronounce your last name?
me: Silvestri.
her: Okay, I gotta ask. Are you maybe cousins?
me: with who?
her: Sylvester Stallone.
— Max Silvestri (@maxsilvestri) March 22, 2023

This is my favorite video on the internet pic.twitter.com/T7pDKkIPK7
— philip lewis (@Phil_Lewis_) March 21, 2023

*completely losing my shit*
LONDON BRIDGE IS FALLING DOWN!
*noticing a hot girl nearby*
my fair lady
— Ben Rosen (@ben_rosen) March 22, 2023

Me reappearing in people's lives after inexplicably disappearing for several months… pic.twitter.com/IN4lamDaXL
— National Park Service (@NatlParkService) March 21, 2023

Wow, it's happening. They're finally giving up on getting us back to the office lol pic.twitter.com/ELsNEgfxCu
— Stop Cop City (@JoshuaPHilll) March 21, 2023

This @Ticketmaster email sounds so fucking spiteful hahahahaha pic.twitter.com/NM1iXAirK1
— ✐ Mikaela Jane ✎ (@Mikaeladraws) March 21, 2023

Imagine if the first sentence of your tweet met the second sentence of your tweet. https://t.co/N2QVq8VeMR
— Brian Tyler Cohen (@briantylercohen) March 21, 2023

Beyoncé seen Arresting Donald Trump today 03/21/2023 pic.twitter.com/FAs9nPXOfm
— ShayFobic (@bbeyfobic) March 21, 2023

Live in front of the Manhattan Criminal Court. pic.twitter.com/dShsH0zkZm
— Walter Masterson (@waltermasterson) March 21, 2023

there was absolutely no reason at all to say it like this and yet she did😭pic.twitter.com/Qd1l30PeZq https://t.co/tbG5TuJlIx
— rhaenyra targaryen's lawyer// tlou era (@Targ_Nation) March 22, 2023

March 22

DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) March 23, 2023

Cant get this picture out my head pic.twitter.com/5ZfuURv0yf
— basil (@youngfishgod) March 22, 2023

when i was a kid i used to think adults were being patronizing when they said shit like "you're getting so big!" but now i'm in my thirties and i have a lot more friends who have kids and let me tell you something those fuckers are gettin bigger than hell
— david tveite (@tveite) March 23, 2023

This is the most wholesome thing you're going to see today…

A dog and his boy
❤️❤️❤️ pic.twitter.com/AxnEfYu7sp
— Jessi 💫 (@its_jessi_grace) March 22, 2023

Perfect trip doesn't exist…. pic.twitter.com/bnlclYORx4
— a catto a day keeps the saddo away 🥺 (@cattooawaysaddo) March 22, 2023

I bet I'll only need 2 minutes pic.twitter.com/h44JFZC1xD
— Julicorn (@ChicksRule) March 22, 2023

When the "no worries" people finally hit their breaking point, the sheer volume of yes worries bursting forth from the broken dam will bury us all
— Amber Sparks (@ambernoelle) March 22, 2023

where were you Zooming from yesterday when you were on CNBC https://t.co/HtsvFjuKFH pic.twitter.com/SHie7XbNXX
— Matt Binder (@MattBinder) March 22, 2023

Today I was on a work call presenting some PowerPoint slides and someone said "You sure do love PowerPoint" and I said "just call me Bob Vila cuz im out here building decks" and a total of zero people laughed but that's showbiz baby
— 🍁Yukon Cornelius (@GrahamKritzer) March 22, 2023

ramadan mubarak to everyone including her pic.twitter.com/xJN6QIieUa
— Hurt CoPain (@SaeedDiCaprio) March 23, 2023

pic.twitter.com/P8Jp43vacQ
— music struggles (@musicstruggles1) March 23, 2023

Buskers need licenses to perform on city property. The city has to officially acknowledge that you sort of know how to play Wonderwall.
— Michael A. Balazo (@mbalazo) March 22, 2023

she's the funniest person alive pic.twitter.com/viyIBSq747
— feral (@ncrmalpeople) March 22, 2023

Haven't stopped laughing at this Letterboxd list for a hot minute. pic.twitter.com/TIg7PHI9sr
— san (@ndsnas) March 22, 2023

Comedy Club Yelp Review pic.twitter.com/wAfWTlepjP
— Raanan Hershberg (@Raanancomedy) March 22, 2023

putin destroyed pic.twitter.com/9sDGkC3OgQ
— francis wolf (@francisxwolf) March 22, 2023

United meet your seat mate pic.twitter.com/qwR1iMoSks
— Soren Iverson (@soren_iverson) March 22, 2023

you should be allowed to leave work early if you are too sleepy and you want to go beddy bye
— zach silberberg (@zachsilberberg) March 22, 2023

Say what you want about it being "cringe" or "basic", The Office will still go down as one of the best and most beloved television shows ever be made. pic.twitter.com/T8YrnuuSWW
— Videotapezzz (@Videotapezzz) March 22, 2023

One of my favorite things I've ever heard was when @bestshow4life went through the entirety of Sgt. Peppers and said basically every song was bad pic.twitter.com/SGkFOe69d2
— Brendan James (@deep_beige) March 23, 2023

30 years after this was published, it still might be my favorite lede of all time pic.twitter.com/vfxH2I0zOs
— Doug Mack (@douglasmack) March 23, 2023

incredible how this joke still holds up pic.twitter.com/LQFvHxPikF
— gage (@neatsaux) March 22, 2023

This is officially the whitest trial of all time https://t.co/CRh8atNcMU
— Dan Amira (@DanAmira) March 22, 2023

I can't stop laughing pic.twitter.com/bcvRtOMWjK
— 🔥 🏠 with a Y 🏠 🔥 (@wyntermitchell) March 23, 2023

Gwyneth Paltrow looks like she's on trial in 1987 for hiring a hitman to kill her husband. pic.twitter.com/gUd7cUAdXF
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) March 22, 2023

no one has ever looked more on trial for a skiing incident pic.twitter.com/5ulTStvn7X
— graham (@GrahamB47) March 22, 2023

if I were on trial I would not wear glasses from the Jeffrey Dahmer collection pic.twitter.com/lcQZO1MQP7
— Desi (@DesiJed) March 22, 2023

pic.twitter.com/b425o2pKBm
— James Urbaniak (@JamesUrbaniak) March 22, 2023

 
March 23

I have read and re-read this headline and it makes me feel different things every time. https://t.co/ZyocJ1xsFD
— Jonathan Torrens (@TorrensJonathan) March 23, 2023

In the criminal justice system, ski based offenses are considered especially heinous.
In Salt Lake City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as the Ski Victims Unit. These are their stories. pic.twitter.com/3GPPmvtMlM
— WATCH KAIPOCALYPSE NOW (@kaicomedy) March 23, 2023

I mean, does this LOOK like someone who would heartlessly ski into you? pic.twitter.com/Oxd7evhYqA
— Alex Baze (@bazecraze) March 23, 2023

I had never even heard of ski-based crime before but if you showed me this photo and asked what she did I would guess "something ski-crime related." pic.twitter.com/kMsS4ci3JZ
— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) March 23, 2023

There Are Things That Are Worse Than Severe Illness, Hospitalization, Disability and Death. We Know What They Are And You Don't. pic.twitter.com/wP6nnqLbja
— @TheVertlartnic (@TheVertlartnic) March 23, 2023

He told me I can have two! https://t.co/FBDtIZDvaE
— Todd Barry (@toddbarry) March 23, 2023

In Terminator 2: Judgment Day, they used twins in order to do some of the visual effects. pic.twitter.com/7T7kIJtqYn
— Phil Edwards (@Live_for_Films) March 23, 2023

Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to pic.twitter.com/gQq7sKQ8pK
— Oklahoma Department of Wildlife Conservation (@OKWildlifeDept) March 23, 2023

I just don't understand how it's possible to fuck up the most basic joke in the world. pic.twitter.com/JIbX5brL3x
— Brian Tyler Cohen (@briantylercohen) March 23, 2023

The CBC releases its most anticipated list of 2023: "These Books Were Published"
— Beautiful CanLit (@ILoveCanLit) March 23, 2023

You Can Tell The Pandemic Is Over Because We Have To Keep Telling You That It's Over. pic.twitter.com/t2mqx7oXNm
— @TheVertlartnic (@TheVertlartnic) March 23, 2023

types of wifes pic.twitter.com/wL8GGVDN2g
— 𝘥𝘶𝘮𝘣𝘢𝘴𝘴 𝘢𝘴𝘴 𝘪𝘥𝘪𝘰𝘵 (@melip0ne) March 23, 2023

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: March 24, 2023

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