The Pope sees Turnstile, Dave Hill's interest in the Gwyneth Paltrow trial, Stormy Daniels smiles at the vile, Donald Trump may go way for a while, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

March 24

17th century headline https://t.co/Uk4mIgPUKZ
— J. William James (@JWilliamJames) March 24, 2023

https://t.co/bEfgRJwbg2 pic.twitter.com/6i5ZhoRjgQ
— villalobos (@RamonVillalobos) March 24, 2023

I hope Greta Gerwig announces that BARBIE is 3 hours and 1 minute long https://t.co/CBXStDTy0i
— Emmy Potter (@emmylanepotter) March 24, 2023

I wish! That actually sounds glorious. Reverse cowgirl is exhausting 😜 https://t.co/axza1rA5Jx
— Stormy Daniels (@StormyDaniels) March 25, 2023

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Idiocracy in real life: pic.twitter.com/7oJZdTVfTR
— Spiro's Ghost (@AntiToxicPeople) March 24, 2023

The President of the United States just scolded the Conservative caucus for not clapping for 50% women cabinets.

The Conservatives are now an international embarrassment. The whole world just saw that.

Thank you Joe! pic.twitter.com/D2RJVE88JU
— Mike Gibbs (@Mikeggibbs) March 24, 2023

pic.twitter.com/t4hTQXSaOL
— rare insults (@insultsrare) March 24, 2023

i can't get over this chatgpt interaction i had today pic.twitter.com/OzwA7jXFqR
— Brian Lee 🦇 (@BrianLeeWow) March 24, 2023

I like that this ad includes me hanging up on it pic.twitter.com/vbcwGqGNsg
— Hi it's Matt Collins (@mitchberghini) March 24, 2023

Who wants to tell her https://t.co/VBMT93PbNv
— Ken Klippenstein (@kenklippenstein) March 25, 2023

i absolutely believe in ageism in politics. we need a cutoff point. https://t.co/u064KuE6mB
— 𝕛𝕒𝕟𝕖𝕒 𝕤𝕥𝕒𝕟 𝕒𝕔𝕔𝕠𝕦𝕟𝕥 (@heyyitsjanea) March 24, 2023

CONGRESS: now mr tiktok...is tiktok computer?

TIKTOK CEO: yea

CONGRESS (crying): please do not shrink me with your potions, i will kill anyone u say
— DVS (@DVSblast) March 24, 2023

This trial is so absurd 😭 pic.twitter.com/8cPPswllqG
— Steve Morris (@stevemorris__) March 24, 2023

this meme has done legitimate damage to this website's finances and I think thats great https://t.co/oU1eqFzYP1 pic.twitter.com/gguO5UvGiC
— Wootmaster 🦓 (@woot_master) March 24, 2023

March 25

absolute chaos pic.twitter.com/E15EcwK5Kn
— linc (@lincnotfound) March 26, 2023

France is basically a New Yorker cartoon right now pic.twitter.com/3hXW5tXpev
— Populism Updates (@PopulismUpdates) March 26, 2023

I think I'll stand pic.twitter.com/RBMoI1hisR
— Josh, internet midboss (@dividebyjosh) March 26, 2023

losing it 😂💜 pic.twitter.com/yYEgMFMRSy
— brooke foster, 2023 edition (@lonesometoast) March 25, 2023

Guy at Trump rally claims he served in Marines. Christina Bobb says she did too and asks his MOS. He can't say. Then asks him where he served. He can't say. pic.twitter.com/UCmhdFOs30
— Ron Filipkowski 🇺🇦 (@RonFilipkowski) March 25, 2023

Happy 7th anniversary to the best celebrity interview moment ever recorded (when Michael Shannon was asked who would win in a fight between Batman and Superman): pic.twitter.com/DzHIu6wqEs
— Daniel Carlson (@danielwcarlson) March 25, 2023

When we were on vacation together often we would slip into the banter of north country dressers. People begged us to stop but we wouldn't. Too much fun. David was hilarious. https://t.co/5ZwKw7rpp1
— Eric Idle (@EricIdle) March 25, 2023

pic.twitter.com/MyCvR3KAvQ
— Seinfeld Current Day (@Seinfeld2000) March 25, 2023

https://t.co/RRc7f8kHJp pic.twitter.com/oafilDTSVy
— maura quint (possibly parody sometimes depending) (@behindyourback) March 25, 2023

Hahaha. https://t.co/t7Bzm0RUeU
— marc maron (@marcmaron) March 25, 2023

JUST ONE MORE LANE BRO I PROMISE ONE MORE LANE WILL FIX EVERYTHING ONE MORE LANE BRO PLEASE I SWEAR ONE MORE LANE pic.twitter.com/Mv1lCX3yvz
— Themperor Kennedy🐸🏳️‍🌈 (@kennedytcooper) March 25, 2023

before phones what did people look at while they were driving
— Jack Corbett (@jackcorrbit) March 26, 2023

Is It Time To Start Smoking Around Babies To Build Their Immunity To Cancer? pic.twitter.com/ctdAkrsKdz
— @TheVertlartnic (@TheVertlartnic) March 25, 2023

Hey @elonmusk what's this about blue checks going away unless we pay Twitter? I've been here for 15 years giving my ⏰ & witty thoughts all for bupkis. Now you're telling me that I have to pay for something you gave me for free? What is this-the Colombia Records & Tape Club?🙄
— William Shatner (@WilliamShatner) March 26, 2023

incredible website pic.twitter.com/oxUlrEkte6
— yung🛠walken (@as_a_worker) March 25, 2023

it rules how conservatives don't understand how anything works https://t.co/VciTAEdOoz
— jenny_tightpants🪑 (@halomancer1) March 25, 2023

March 26

you could've literally removed the first sentence and the tweet would've made sense but noooo you had to get some racism in there huh https://t.co/Rev9jM9aEe
— Hurt CoPain (@SaeedDiCaprio) March 26, 2023

who can forget that famous scene from the truman show pic.twitter.com/VKt2U3ozFu
— andy™ (@andylevy) March 26, 2023

the nearly naked guy on the left of your screen who appeared multiple times like this on pro wrestling TV shows that your children watch now works for Turning Point USA and ostensibly wants to warn you about drag queens reading to your kids https://t.co/6y3vJPUrnB pic.twitter.com/UrL5qO3lOi
— Matt Binder (@MattBinder) March 27, 2023

True. He used a 3 inch one. https://t.co/X3YvAu6jID
— Stormy Daniels (@StormyDaniels) March 26, 2023

Why did he invite me to his room, take off his clothes and corner me when I came out of the bathroom even though he knew he had a wife? https://t.co/SrTucgkKtm
— Stormy Daniels (@StormyDaniels) March 27, 2023

What's the opposite of a stork? pic.twitter.com/0MBgPEWM0f
— who cares (@DianaG2772) March 26, 2023

It's called Succession, T. Every week ya gotta tune in and root for your favorite rich kid to take control of Fox News away from their dad. They never pull it off but I keep watching all the fuckin' same. pic.twitter.com/9qJlngXhtc
— socialist sopranos memes (@gabagoolmarx) March 26, 2023

Their critics call them "the Disgusting Brothers," but these two NYC scions say breaking all the rules might just save masculinity. My latest for The Hundred: pic.twitter.com/YR3Cp1dSTh
— huccession (@TylerHuckabee) March 27, 2023

important update on the possibility of living in a floating egg pic.twitter.com/oE4bOoBtxh
— blink-sun8tzu (@suntzufuntzu) March 26, 2023

Nightmare scenario pic.twitter.com/wio5Tuyg7u
— cal? @ 0F (@cal_gif) March 26, 2023

People saying that "he shouldn't be praised for helping" have no idea what it's like working in film. Mike Myers had me fired off the set of "The Love Guru" because I made eye contact with him, and I was there as his body guard… 😂 Give Keanu his roses https://t.co/xfmOHvxObK
— Jay Brody (@theJaybrody) March 26, 2023

frankly i don't want this trial to ever end pic.twitter.com/V9kioJ0ABh
— matt (@mattxiv) March 26, 2023

March 27

John Wilkes Booth: https://t.co/4nQRsSblA6
— Mood (@MITSKlSUS) March 28, 2023

"i tried to finger one of our cadavers when no one was looking" is something you couldn't waterboard out of me pic.twitter.com/ZSIHzlwadg
— the hype (@TheHyyyype) March 27, 2023

dead website in 2 weeks pic.twitter.com/yhF6l7Bp0k
— jenny_tightpants🪑 (@halomancer1) March 28, 2023

You simply must admire the fact that Elon could do anything he wants every minute for the rest of his life, but instead he dutifully logs in every morning to get kicked in the dick and balls all day by his $44 billion group thread.
— Zack Bornstein (@ZackBornstein) March 28, 2023

just got to the park why everyone laughing at me ? pic.twitter.com/3qbaSqLVKQ
— albert (@albert12798) March 27, 2023

I can go outdoors pic.twitter.com/VRd3hIjXWw
— Stephen Graham 🇺🇦 (@StephenCVGraham) March 27, 2023

great job everyone but i think we can make it much worse https://t.co/NbsvyVWLTm
— lacey 🔜 TCAF 2081 (@byelacey) March 27, 2023

This is outstanding. https://t.co/8qrGg85RBf
— Mueller, She Wrote (@MuellerSheWrote) March 27, 2023

Do you ever think about what a genius Allison Jones is pic.twitter.com/sjswd2AM0e
— Bec Shaw (@Brocklesnitch) March 28, 2023

how is every photo from these protests even more French than the one before https://t.co/AVjmoGJstR
— Faine Greenwood (@faineg) March 27, 2023

This is up there 😂😂 https://t.co/8ZuXeGOxWn pic.twitter.com/nN62WYigJL
— NOVACANE (@_Panashe__) March 27, 2023

New fear unlocked 🔓pic.twitter.com/37hGqHnCMs
— Fifty Shades of Whey (@davenewworld_2) March 27, 2023

Sorry but I have never once been skiing when Gwyneth Paltrow didn't run into me. This woman needs to be dealt with!
— Dave Hill (@mrdavehill) March 27, 2023

The first time Gwyneth Paltrow skied into me (shortly after the release of "Sliding Doors") I heard her yell "There's Dave- I'm gonna ski into him." Then she did. Nuts.
— Dave Hill (@mrdavehill) March 27, 2023

One time I went roller skating and someone knocked me right over. I look up and it's Gwyneth Paltrow. "Is this a joke?" I ask. "Are YOU a joke?" she asks back. Then she threw her Mountain Dew in my eyes. It still stings. This woman is dangerous and after me.
— Dave Hill (@mrdavehill) March 27, 2023

When Gwyneth Paltrow is dead, she will be remembered for three things- her acting, the time she recommended crotch steaming, and skiing into me. Only not in that order.
— Dave Hill (@mrdavehill) March 28, 2023

Some people think Gwyneth Paltrow's best performance was in "Shakespeare in Love" but I think it's when she tries to act like she's not skiing into me on purpose. She is insane and dangerous.
— Dave Hill (@mrdavehill) March 28, 2023

Once in Aspen, I overheard Gwyneth Paltrow chatting with friends in the lodge when she says "Is it really skiing if you don't crash into Dave? I don't think so." Then she laughed and laughed. She is awful and skis into me on purpose!
— Dave Hill (@mrdavehill) March 27, 2023

I am bleeding right now. This is because Gwyneth Paltrow (the actress) just skied into me again. This has to stop!
— Dave Hill (@mrdavehill) March 28, 2023

Literally just skied into by Gwyneth Paltrow again. This woman MUST be stopped!
— Dave Hill (@mrdavehill) March 27, 2023

March 28

People who subscribe to Merriam-Webster Red™ will get exclusive access to the real definitions.
— Merriam-Webster (@MerriamWebster) March 28, 2023

Steal my "I WANT TO" sticker concept art, print millions, Place them where needed. pic.twitter.com/JsSnmqQ3Ht
— @Brundle_Fly 🇨🇦🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿 (@brundle_fly) March 28, 2023

Oh my god haha nobody doing it like @TheOnion pic.twitter.com/VD9N2KIAZk
— Stop Cop City (@JoshuaPHilll) March 28, 2023

How many times does this photo need to be out here https://t.co/17TvPaXuTV pic.twitter.com/jF11RIubMJ
— The Film Drunk (@thefilmdrunk) March 28, 2023

Big brain business name 🧠 pic.twitter.com/iY1lhi4gAJ
— Alicia Tatone (@AliciaTatone) March 28, 2023

And then there were 4 pic.twitter.com/G1ysAWt4HQ
— Harrison Weinreb (@harriweinreb) March 28, 2023

Been thinking about this tweet for days.

Adult.
Human.
Chicken. pic.twitter.com/zRbyUFWkpo
— Parker Molloy (@ParkerMolloy) March 28, 2023

Getting a cat:

My depression 📉📉📉
Crime rate in my house 📈📈📈
— erin🫧 (@erinmhk) March 28, 2023

https://t.co/fy1EpCHN7j pic.twitter.com/8VOvGIUDf1
— ms.demeanor (@transsender) March 28, 2023

i was able to snap some photos of the pope at the turnstile gig, these are 100% real pic.twitter.com/dHiAUVk2Sd
— Rob Dobi (@Robdobi) March 28, 2023

It was only a few days ago when I learned there is a version of skiing that doesn't involve getting run over by Gwyneth Paltrow. She has made my life and winter sports in general absolute hell for me.
— Dave Hill (@mrdavehill) March 28, 2023

I was just sitting here thinking about that time Dick Cheney shot his friend in the face while hunting and then I thought "That's just like me and Gwyneth Paltrow only with skiiing." Only difference is I bet Dick and his friend with the shot face laugh about it.
— Dave Hill (@mrdavehill) March 28, 2023

"You can't ban guns because bans never work."

--Republicans who have banned abortion, contraception, books, drag queens, vaccines, honest history lessons, and talking about LGBTQ people.
— Mrs. Betty Bowers (@BettyBowers) March 29, 2023

my wife is heading out of town for a few days and absolutely fucking ROASTED me pic.twitter.com/nYqnvp1Mq1
— Village Person (@SvnSxty) March 28, 2023

it's been completely silent on zoom for the past 20 mins so i just asked the professor what we're supposed to be doing and apparently we were taking a test pic.twitter.com/VOyqAns13c
— jimmy (@jimmyoutsold) March 28, 2023

You might as well just stream us on spotify then https://t.co/QDeapT5PlD
— eve6 (@Eve6) March 28, 2023

https://t.co/JWiUAWVMTi pic.twitter.com/4yENRTCrGp
— Dr Eleanor Janega (@GoingMedieval) March 28, 2023

Sorry but "hide your paid-for blue check if you're ashamed" and "only verified accounts will be in the For You tab" combo is very funny
— kirsten howard (@emotionalpedant) March 28, 2023

We did something similar the summer of 2020. Y'all called us savages and kettled us. Kyle Rittenhouse, a minor, was driven across state lines by his mother with an illegally owned firearm, killed 2 protestors, ran to the police for protection, got off, and is touring now. https://t.co/K5TWdRaREQ
— I Ache Therefore I Am (@The4thBelcher) March 29, 2023

What if the bad boy pistons were all theater kids https://t.co/gicDzdG43K
— Q and Not Uanon (@fiveninenoshoes) March 29, 2023

March 29

POV: You just watched Klay Thompson hit a deep three to put the game away pic.twitter.com/doaNq1KHcN
— Sam Hustis (@SamHustis) March 29, 2023

Entertainment journalists interviewing Pedro Pascal https://t.co/QUbGCAFulb
— Alistair Ryder (@YesitsAlistair) March 29, 2023

This may be the most expensive cringe in human history pic.twitter.com/TItxlT1NF1
— The Serfs (@theserfstv) March 30, 2023

I laughed out loud at this picture for a full minute. https://t.co/lmZber2vkL
— Ioan Gwyn (@IoanGwyn) March 29, 2023

https://t.co/ftcelDqRPM pic.twitter.com/BXROKy9Kxg
— Adam Cerious (@Browtweaten) March 29, 2023

https://t.co/N86GQsceti pic.twitter.com/K18h6KEYfx
— Criminalsimpsons (@Criminalsimpson) March 29, 2023

Can I ask a stupid question. What's wrong with trees https://t.co/LNkDhUCOIi
— ellory smith (@ellorysmith) March 29, 2023

My goal is to be the first person found dead inside one of these https://t.co/8NZwyu2HxR
— pixelatedboat aka "mr tweets" (@pixelatedboat) March 29, 2023

Just like in the Marvin Gaye song! pic.twitter.com/9Wket9aZBc
— Michael A. Balazo (@mbalazo) March 29, 2023

Wow one of those rare days where I get to create a new alarm. Never made a 5:05 pm alarm before. Cool!!! pic.twitter.com/jKCQVnBY1q
— ben stager (@bennnnst) March 29, 2023

It looks like Disney just checkmated Ron DeSantis. The board DeSantis appointed to "oversee" Disney is now complaining that the company used a loophole to strip them of their power until 2053. https://t.co/xCaxdn4QE4
— No Lie with Brian Tyler Cohen (@NoLieWithBTC) March 29, 2023

If you aren't watching House Republicans' hearing on the District of Columbia you are missing sober consideration of weighty matters of state pic.twitter.com/MFq0u9zwfw
— Aaron Fritschner (@Fritschner) March 29, 2023

If Your Memory Is Now So Bad, How Do You Know You Didn't Always Have Brain Fog? pic.twitter.com/11VifztLhH
— @TheVertlartnic (@TheVertlartnic) March 29, 2023

Eating a salad for lunch. Who am I, Gwyneth Paltrow? No. Because after I finish this salad I have no intention of running into someone while skiing. This woman needs to be brought to justice!!
— Dave Hill (@mrdavehill) March 29, 2023

March 30

historic front page of the new york times: pic.twitter.com/EElt1DjLkM
— Ben Rosen (@ben_rosen) March 30, 2023

This is some Michael Corleone shit https://t.co/Y8YUUh9J6i pic.twitter.com/7QAw6uKNKJ
— Amy (lolennui@mstdn.social) (@lolennui) March 30, 2023

"what's in the box now, asshole" pic.twitter.com/jhk9F7m8Me
— andy™ (@andylevy) March 30, 2023

Trump posts on Truth Social that he has been "INDICATED." pic.twitter.com/GORUzWHboG
— Ben Collins (@oneunderscore__) March 30, 2023

pic.twitter.com/Rjes3QKaMg
— Jimmy Kimmel (@jimmykimmel) March 30, 2023

'I NEED A POSTER OF RITA HAYWORTH' pic.twitter.com/THIN4mdJyQ
— Tom Reagan's Hat (@RufusTSuperfly) March 30, 2023

while i'm not a fan of donald trump, it is chilling to realize that this could happen to any one of us after livetweeting 34 consecutive crimes
— soul nate (@MNateShyamalan) March 30, 2023

this man is experiencing a high not even drugs can replicate https://t.co/rMdVIVxIcn
— jenny_tightpants🪑 (@halomancer1) March 30, 2023

Well, that's certainly a statement. pic.twitter.com/vjL1e6YMVM
— Jon Campbell (@JonCampbellNY) March 30, 2023

this man is experiencing a high not even drugs can replicate https://t.co/rMdVIVxIcn
— jenny_tightpants🪑 (@halomancer1) March 30, 2023

.@TheShovel with the best headline pic.twitter.com/fjdiH1fYfQ
— Wu Tang is for the Children (@WUTangKids) March 31, 2023

pic.twitter.com/P9TDYXXtV5
— pudding person (@JUNlPER) March 30, 2023

You bet I did. NYC doesn't play with bigots and transphobes and neither do I.

Have a great day! 🙂🏳️‍⚧️💕 https://t.co/yM2xMhAJ4H
— Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (@AOC) March 30, 2023

when things are definitely going well pic.twitter.com/olg7rABaPD
— shauna (@goldengateblond) March 30, 2023

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: March 31, 2023

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