Olives are domineering, everyone is persevering, weaponizing all tearing, semi-charmed cheering, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

February 26

Taiwanese designer Yi-Fei-Chen is showing off her 'Tear Gun' that collects and freezes actual tears to shoot them back at the person who made her cry. pic.twitter.com/LUBa7ApZtY
— Kex Gusset (@GibletGusset) February 26, 2021

"Do you ever think maybe God stays in heaven because he's afraid of what he's created?" Is such a raw fucking line why is it from SPY KIDS 2
— Hannah (@CrackersWoo) February 27, 2021

imagine how long it takes for smells to reach his brain pic.twitter.com/wF7pJcqRLI
— vessence (@faporizer) February 27, 2021

remembering, yet again, how a friend's coworker once pronounced "Malcolm X" as "Malcolm Ten"
— rp (@sleepydisease) February 27, 2021

It's always "mental health tips" and never "here's less work and more pay"
— leave me alone (@_chismosa_) February 26, 2021

Ok pic.twitter.com/Vv889UlXJt
— Erica (@eerrriiicaa) February 26, 2021

pic.twitter.com/J1huZC6vXa
— Dudes Posting Their W's (@DudespostingWs) February 26, 2021

February 27

Do you hear that sound? It's every screenwriter in the world whispering a reverent "FUCK" under their breath. #WandaVision pic.twitter.com/3vzC86mLAh
— Madison Hatfield (@madhat31) February 27, 2021

To the writer who wrote "What is grief if not love persevering?" in WandaVision, I hope you ok baby 🤍
— evil flat-chested wench (@troytheboyy) February 27, 2021

WandaVision TwodaVision pic.twitter.com/cGYbLmrMOV
— ben "march of the benguins" flores (@limitlessjest) February 28, 2021

My dad watching Ted 2. pic.twitter.com/gtUEcKKeUi
— Dan White (@atdanwhite) February 28, 2021

This helped . pic.twitter.com/pn1BAAAzvo
— SZA (@sza) February 27, 2021

Didn't know I needed this pic.twitter.com/g8UQau46s0
— Steve Braband (@stevebraband) February 27, 2021

i hope after covid we can all recognize that no party needs to start later than 9 pm
— yamini (@showmetheyamz) February 27, 2021

I'm Never Eating A Edible Again I Watched A Whole Movie On Mute & Started Crying Cause I Thought I Was Deaf 😭.
— 𝑴𝒊𝒓𝒂 𝑴𝒊𝒓𝒓𝒐𝒓🪞 (@Miradoll19) February 28, 2021

February 28

me when I don't respond to a message: it's fine, everyone is chill.

me when someone doesn't respond to my message: I guess this person hates me. Good, I hate them anyways
— Jordan Foisy (@JordanFoisy) February 28, 2021

me telling my computer i'll update everything tomorrow pic.twitter.com/5NIGfcJfB7
— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) February 28, 2021

when I was ten, a witchy girl read my palm at recess, looked deep into my eyes and said "what are you afraid of?" I laughed nervously and ran away but later on the bus ride home I was like "fuck I'm gay"
— Ely Kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) March 1, 2021

Can't stop thinking about this image pic.twitter.com/zybNZusmKT
— char! (it / its) (@aGirlCalledChar) February 28, 2021

pic.twitter.com/6qjrHryI8s
— reply guys.txt (@replyguys_txt) February 28, 2021

the only award Hamilton has literally ever lost is now to Borat
— Jake (@LakeJebo) March 1, 2021

March 1

March 1st 2020 vs March 1st 2021 pic.twitter.com/BiSehH7TyO
— Danny Neary (@itsdannyneary) March 1, 2021

pic.twitter.com/7Xw6DfDeqD
— jonny sun (@jonnysun) March 2, 2021

March 2020. March 2021. pic.twitter.com/u8XVX1mB4o
— Nick Nemeroff (@nicknemeroff) March 2, 2021

BREAKING: Reports confirm that Black History can still be acknowledged outside of February.
— Josiah Williams is Black. (@JDeanWilliams) March 1, 2021

Still so proud of Asians for tricking white people into paying $20 for ramen
— bryan (@bryanyang) March 1, 2021

i need to start selling poor quality products and marketing them like this. https://t.co/0XPG6FoNbR
— le courvoisier (@chinicheeks) March 1, 2021

i'll never understand people who get in the fast lane just to drive the speed limit. this lane is for CRIME
— slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) March 1, 2021

what is SNL if not theater kids persevering
— zach silberberg (@zachsilberberg) March 2, 2021

Cooking is only fun when 1. Nobody tells you to do it & 2. When nobody is in the kitchen with you
— ٰ (@ceraliza) March 1, 2021

me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?

some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct "the sea"
— Gabrielle Moss (@Gaby_Moss) March 2, 2021

Tying my boyfriend up like a horse outside the restaurant I'm eating inside of after I'm vaccinated and he's not
— Ms. Hole LLC (@sludge_girl) March 1, 2021

My pronouns are she, just she. Sorry I can't be her
— Chodie Foster (@JonGomora) March 2, 2021

March 2

Chuck E. has died
— Chuck E. Cheese (@ChuckECheeseUSA) March 3, 2021

Naming my son Andy but spelled &y
— Midnight Meez (@MuthoniK20) March 2, 2021

pic.twitter.com/1dBuC0gqTV
— ? (@w0rldmap) March 2, 2021

i'm having a drink as i hear the bottle collector outside picking up my empties. its called "the circle of life"
— Bruce McCulloch (@BrucioMcCulloch) March 3, 2021

i made this Tom & Jerry Rug inspired by the original cartoon 🤍 (25x55") pic.twitter.com/vxz0UygzjA
— nellaf (@nellaf) March 2, 2021

We asked Judge Jeanine if she gets drunk before her show. pic.twitter.com/fRHOiRiWdt
— Jason Selvig (@jasonselvig) March 2, 2021

I spoke on a diversity panel via Zoom and specifically told my boyfriend not to sign up and he commented "Amazing point Brianna!!!" in the chat every time I spoke
— Brianna Holt (@BriannaNHolt) March 3, 2021

So Canada Post is asking me to prove I did not receive a package. What do I do send a photo of myself with my pockets turned out?
— Jon Mace (@jonmacelive) March 2, 2021

Happy Lou Reed Day pic.twitter.com/Qu62xKeqAW
— John Frankensteiner (@JFrankensteiner) March 3, 2021

"are u ok?" No i suck at a game that I play 8 hours a day fuck you
— julietteyooo (@Julietteyooo) March 3, 2021

March 3

We're proud to announce we are adding sex to Among Us
— Among Us (@akhber_jan) March 3, 2021

" ur so quiet " thanks im not comfortable around u
— 🧚‍♂️ (@uhprome) March 3, 2021

if meghan markle did bully the royal family i would only like and support her more
— faiza (@lightfaizer) March 3, 2021

What is procrastination, if not relaxation persevering?
— Prodigy's Son 😉 (@vanthefirst) March 3, 2021

what is a bird if not a dinosaur persevering?
— Vinny Thomas ! (@vinn_ayy) March 3, 2021

we need a slur for people that drink milk
— Billiam (@ChopStacks) March 4, 2021

for many years, the name of the composer "debussy" was not funny. now it is very funny
— katherine (@katemaclel) March 3, 2021

Tiny desk concert? What about massive horse cock desk
— 🦋⃤ "rissa" (@sushipregnancy) March 3, 2021

March 4

Asking Matt Gaetz how he became such a big troll. pic.twitter.com/wKqVOQ0f2Z
— The Good Liars (@TheGoodLiars) March 4, 2021

A scarier sequel to IT FOLLOWS called JUST FOLLOWING UP
— Rakesh Satyal (@rakeshsatyal) March 4, 2021

An absolutely scathing and downright snobby IMDB review of the Home Improvement porn parody. pic.twitter.com/vSWbALfA2g
— Michael A. Balazo (@mbalazo) March 5, 2021

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: March 5, 2021

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