Even a doggy could present a polemic, the mishandling of a pandemic, when Guy Fieri nudes are systemic, fighting the nutmegging epidemic and much more from this week in funny tweets.

February 29

God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
— Erin Osgood (@erinosgood_) February 29, 2020

IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON TWITTER THAT SAYS "GUY FIERI NUDES", DONT CLICK IT. ITS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK
— brown guy fieri (@jeremygratil) March 1, 2020

jackass is a docuseries about the cis, straight, white, american male id and how it coped with and responded to suburban ennui in the death throes of its cultural monopoly. it should be in the criterion collection
— giabuchi (@jaboukie) February 29, 2020

Anything like this or throwing it off someone head where I'm from it's a fight or people coming off benches or out the stands.

This is a normal check. Ariza from that era. https://t.co/dXzXDoRO4o
— russdiculous 🚥 (@Specter_Smit) March 1, 2020

Less than 24hours😂🤣😂 https://t.co/bPaZp8r4zr pic.twitter.com/0ali8WPr82
— Missy Elliott (@MissyElliott) February 29, 2020

March 1

first sufjan, now pete. what's it with episcopalians and only lasting like two states?????
— Mason Mennenga (@masonmennenga) March 2, 2020

...so then why are you using a photo of an Asian man in Flushing, Queens? https://t.co/729wbYmb8G
— Alessandra Biaggi (@SenatorBiaggi) March 2, 2020

Being a woman means being too young for everything until suddenly you are too old for everything, with at least ten years in between when you are simultaneously too young AND too old.
— Summer Brennan 🌈 (@summerbrennan) March 1, 2020

March 2

SEO is so cruel. There's an accomplished Physicist out there in the world (also named Hershal Pandya) who has dedicated his life to discovering important universal truths, yet when you try to Google his work, it appears secondary to the time I wrote "Rick and Morty" fan fiction.
— Hershal Pandya (@Hershal_P) March 2, 2020

A lot of cheap flights right now, and part of me thinks, if im going to get the coronavirus, I might as well get it in a deeply discounted 5 star hotel in Venice
— Ben Dreyfuss (@bendreyfuss) March 2, 2020

Every jazz department faculty be lookin like pic.twitter.com/QE3LSvT5Tz
— tame simpala (@ogrods) March 3, 2020

TikTok took this down but the world deserves to see this pic.twitter.com/rdapD65Zrr
— biju (@nicollebiju) March 3, 2020

thinking bout how in like 50 years there's gonna be a generation of little old ladies with 'goth slut' or something tattooed on their knees
— rzrbldee (@rzrbldee) March 2, 2020

People with flu: I feel shit. Just wanna stay in bed and do nothing

People with Coronavirus: I feel shit. Just wanna go on holidays, see the world, maybe go skiing in Austria, see the Eiffel Tower, maybe some white water rafting, do the Camino de Santiago..
— Rob Gale (@galeforcerob) March 2, 2020

Biden: Voted against gay marriage in 1996

Bernie: Voted for gay marriage in 1996

Buttigeg: Endorses Biden
— Heather Anne Campbell (@heathercampbell) March 3, 2020

This man live in a community college https://t.co/7NFnpNx2oy
— 𝑨𝒍𝒊 🐍 (@jordanfibonacci) March 3, 2020

March 3

Today we decide which 70-year-old will be our gladiator against the dumbest Hitler of all time
— Zack Bornstein (@ZackBornstein) March 3, 2020

if you've walked around your house with your keys in your hands going "cripes and cranberries where'd I put those keys man" for hours, this night is for you. if you think dead relatives are calling you on the phone, this night is for you. if you wear a bathrobe 20 hours a day, https://t.co/ZtjYwLxG9g
— Detroit: Become Normal 🍻🚗 (@ByYourLogic) March 4, 2020

they got Austin Powers commentating the election pic.twitter.com/eo2uMsVVLe
— slizz (@slizzzymcguire) March 3, 2020

Today I completed a chore I have been putting off for six months. It took 15 minutes. I will learn nothing from this.
— Ashley Nicole Black (@ashleyn1cole) March 3, 2020

fox news analyst brit hume likes sexy vixen vinyl (h/t .@BadFoxGraphics) pic.twitter.com/UbRM6ptfvC
— Bobby Lewis (@revrrlewis) March 3, 2020

March 4

WERE MEN NOT WASHING THEIR FUCKING HANDS?! pic.twitter.com/LByx8zUeLN
— Jenny Jaffe (@jennyjaffe) March 5, 2020

Oh my god it looks just like Laura Dern https://t.co/wURR5Jmk85
— Michael Benjamin (@mfbenji) March 5, 2020

meanwhile joe biden is battling dementia pic.twitter.com/KYPeEoyUwa
— H (@hahahamna) March 4, 2020

Coronavirus instructions.
Wait for it...pic.twitter.com/WvnKBwKUtb
— Rex Chapman🏇🏼 (@RexChapman) March 4, 2020

March 5

love shack just came on and my son asked "is that john mulaney?" i'm crying
— ceeks (@70Ceeks) March 5, 2020

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him. Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He's a web designer.
— Doc (@DocAtCDI) March 5, 2020

Working on not touching my face :) pic.twitter.com/qfyNdrDReh
— Hannah (@McBBQSauce) March 5, 2020

This is the stupidest thing that has ever aired on television. Congratulations to all involved. pic.twitter.com/vARi9yQ0Bv
— Timothy Burke (@bubbaprog) March 6, 2020

... this is the best chyron in the history of television news.#maddow #trms pic.twitter.com/yfKgZqJ4xl
— fake nick ramsey (@nick_ramsey) March 6, 2020

March 6

Legend.

pic.twitter.com/wEYb0boZna
— Daniel Tom Clark (@Clark1995Clark) March 6, 2020

Capitalism is the best, most efficient system for distributing resources. https://t.co/t7tdI0NmEY
— Him Tortons (@_Rewhan) March 7, 2020

seems like two separate stories but okay pic.twitter.com/6LSnozvRCM
— Dominic Holden (@dominicholden) March 6, 2020

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: March 6, 2020

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