Is terrified of ghosts, crypto is toast, a book reader boasts, a private event a bathroom hosts, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

May 6

haven't gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it's fingers day
— omosefé. (@birkinmami) May 6, 2022

I just asked my 15 year old daughter what she even does to help around the house and she said, "I represent the family. I'm at school everyday honoring the family name." 😂
— Shimon Cohen (@ShimonDCohen) May 6, 2022

This is like Hannibal Lecter wearing the face of his victim. https://t.co/MuR5sb0e4B
— Christian Becker (@TheAmazingBeck) May 7, 2022

The GOAT Orson Welles talking shit, a mega thread pic.twitter.com/Nv1i5UjmPq
— John Frankensteiner (@JFrankensteiner) May 7, 2022

pic.twitter.com/MKxLBpXfA7
— shirts that go hard (@shirtsthtgohard) May 6, 2022

If women who use Plan B abortion pills are murderers, so is every guy who jacks off.
— Randi Mayem Singer (@rmayemsinger) May 6, 2022

I mean, the SCARIEST thing the men who wrote ALIEN (1979) could think of was a living thing taking up residence in your torso then bursting out of you.
— Olivia Campbell (@liviecampbell) May 6, 2022

HEY! IF YOU'RE PLANNING ON SEEING DR. STRANGE THIS WEEKEND, PLEASE READ THIS FIRST:

I saw DR. STRANGE today but, it turns out he's out-of-network, so my insurance isn't going to cover it and, what I THOUGHT was going to be a $12 ticket ended up costing me $14,605.
— Frank Cvetkovic (he/they) (@GoFrankGo) May 6, 2022

 
May 7

Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
— John Feminella 🌠 (@jxxf) May 7, 2022

I can't get passed the fact that the line "DOMESTIC SUPPLY OF INFANTS" is from a SCOTUS draft ruling and not from the script of Handmaid's Tale. THIS IS WHAT WE ARE UP AGAINST IN 2022!
— Erich-Bo-Beric 🇺🇸 (@ErichinATL) May 7, 2022

feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
— trash jones (@jzux) May 7, 2022

 
May 8

man I love this sort of own pic.twitter.com/ijwKrHtZcG
— farhad manjoo (@fmanjoo) May 9, 2022

if you plan to protest at kavanaugh's house, take proper precautions: write something else in your calendar and then cry and say calendars are very important to you
— Parker Higgins (@xor) May 8, 2022

if kavanaugh doesn't like the pro abortion protests outside his house, he can simply drive or relocate to a different state. right?
— joshua (@jdgtranen) May 8, 2022

Every time someone on here goes "y'all are overreacting, the Republicans arent banni-" some legislator in Missouri rolls up his sleeves and gets ready to write the craziest law you've ever heard
— Mother 🌻 🦂 (@punishedmother) May 8, 2022

girls trip!!!!!! Me and my girl cat were in the living room and now we are in the kitchen
— steph mccann (@steph_mcca) May 9, 2022

May 9

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
— Char 📝✈️ (@char_x0) May 10, 2022

America running out of infant formula the same week it's preparing for an influx of forcefully birthed babies is a little too on the nose
— Dr. Thrasher (@thrasherxy) May 10, 2022

A mom at the park confided in me that every morning she lets her kids get in bed w her and watch cartoons in their pjs like she was admitting to letting them do heroin and not have a delightful, cozy family time. Draconian screen time recommendations have really effed parents up
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) May 10, 2022

Ppl w babies: I don't see why people stop traveling when they have kids! You can just strap the baby in and GO hiking! Grab a stroller, fly to Europe, it's really all in your mindset

Those ppl a year later w a toddler: it only took us 23 mins to get down the stairs this morning
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) May 9, 2022

When I was 5 the chef at Benihana kept tossing shrimp in my mouth and I threw up on the table it cooked my throw up
— whitmer thomas (@WhitmerThomas) May 9, 2022

cooking together is NOT romantic, MOVE out my fucking way 🙄
— .'✰ (@ohIust) May 9, 2022

i don't even wanna know pic.twitter.com/Tm3rf4tyht
— atomly (@atomly) May 9, 2022

Wearing my lucky shirt pic.twitter.com/rJgwFr1G60
— renny 🇺🇦 (@rennyzucker) May 9, 2022

pic.twitter.com/MVfcL3zXGQ
— absolutely insane youtube comments (@insanepplYT) May 9, 2022

please don't protest the laws we made about your bodies at our homes because our homes are private and they belong to us.
— Glennon Doyle (@GlennonDoyle) May 9, 2022

"pRotEsTinG aT pEopLe'S hoUSeS iS wROnG."

Well, the French throw kitchen sinks through their president's window when they raise the price of gas 10 cents, and they also have free healthcare, so I'm going to beg to differ.
— Brutal Regime Apocalyptic Dreams (@brutal_regime) May 9, 2022

Apple take they lil $9.99 at the worst time now I gotta eat music for breakfast 😭
— 𝖏𝖆𝖍 ツ (@fullautojayy) May 10, 2022

Make the guys who name hot sauces fight the guys who name weed
— Beës  (@human_not_bees) May 9, 2022

May 10

holy shit pic.twitter.com/ozDaBxXsy5
— Onion™ (they/them) (@ASovietOnion) May 10, 2022

pic.twitter.com/RDJ5RobJUb
— cats being weird little guys (@weirdlilguys) May 11, 2022

There's an organization at my work that just sent this out as their pride month logo 😬 pic.twitter.com/o34gJDZuu8
— Creatina Turner (@BrendanOde) May 10, 2022

RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists

Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu...
— Chad Hartigan (@chadhartigan) May 10, 2022

some of you have never had to download mp3s one by one and painstakingly change the song title and artist credits for it to appear somewhat put together on your ipod and it shows
— local 94zphile (@houseofwhalien) May 10, 2022

happy to announce that we are broken social scene now. not exactly sure how it works? but like we are just that band now
— N 𝓪𝓹 E 𝔂𝓮𝓼 (@NapEyes) May 10, 2022

This is probably in the top 5 coolest things I ever found on the ground pic.twitter.com/2umSA6waSa
— 10000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 (@paynushaver) May 11, 2022

The only stat that matters pic.twitter.com/Pzk2eHLpX0
— La Befana (@Sandernista412) May 10, 2022

im a 9/11 last responder, i just arrived on the scene today. looks like it's already been taken care of
— Mr. Meat Scraps (@ReallyLoudFart) May 10, 2022

Any driver who sees this will immediately crash. pic.twitter.com/WELqQFXVoa
— Abe Goldfarb (@AbeGoldfarb) May 10, 2022

Johnny Knoxville https://t.co/bOfOBXBjVw
— whitmer thomas (@WhitmerThomas) May 11, 2022

IT'S. BECAUSE. WE. DON'T. GO. PLACES. https://t.co/dGoo0Yjzzt
— Summer Sandiego (@summerasana) May 10, 2022

before therapy: i hate people

after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
— cassie cao (@thecassiecao) May 10, 2022

Getting racially profiled in stores hack:

When they ask if you need help, say YES enthusiastically, then make them your personal assistant/shopper for the duration of your stay in the store. Ask questions and tell personal anecdotes until their eyes start darting towards escape.
— Kayla Ancrum ✨MURDER OF CROWS OUT NOW!✨ (@KaylaAncrum) May 10, 2022

Pro tip: if you have a student's mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.

Fight 🔥 with 🔥
— Andrew Friedson (@FriedsonAndrew) May 10, 2022

Happy for the woman that got her period in the 11th hour. 🙏🏾💚 pic.twitter.com/badaHePSWC
— r u ok? (@BtSquared2) May 10, 2022

May 11

i don't mind dating they/thems but this is ridiculous pic.twitter.com/GjZt9zCu79
— 𝐒𝐚𝐬𝐡𝐚🔪 (@tinywienerbabe) May 11, 2022

The worst part of being nonbinary is not getting to shout anything during Hey Ya
— Clara Olshansky (@ClaraOlshansky) May 11, 2022

today's 5/11 or as some guys call it 6/1
— mrs. iglesias (@apesgonewiild) May 11, 2022

https://t.co/yEGXqJ4PFy pic.twitter.com/KcgKPU3QZS
— Jesús Malverde (@DJTosin) May 11, 2022

Purge night at the park tomorrow
— Disneyland (@Disneyland2go) May 11, 2022

crazy to think that the full name of the movie is Extra Terrestrial the Extra Terrestrial
— linc (@lincnotfound) May 11, 2022

So few of you have lived through a full James Cameron cycle before. Everyone will expect him to fail this time and then two billion people will pay to watch a screensaver where blue cats hug whales. It's pointless to fight it.
— Paul Ford (@ftrain) May 11, 2022

I love the way disaster movies are like "there is ONE kind of dad and he is DIVORCED and UNRELIABLE and will SAVE THE DAY"
— Sarah Hollowell 🐋 (@sarahhollowell) May 11, 2022

Joe Manchin, who doesn't support women's rights, told reporters he doesn't support women's rights today, which was similar to when he said he didn't support women's rights back in February.
More on this breaking story as it develops...
— Elie Mystal (@ElieNYC) May 11, 2022

pic.twitter.com/iKY8zrATd0
— animals going goblin mode (@mischiefanimals) May 11, 2022

a perfect metaphor for the death of crypto pic.twitter.com/0VhYPfXoRF
— 𝐒𝐚𝐬𝐡𝐚🔪 (@tinywienerbabe) May 11, 2022

Every time I hear people talking about NFTs I think of this pic.twitter.com/d2THh3F6TF
— Potato Guard (@feistybunnygirl) May 11, 2022

 
May 12

With the collapse of crypto, hoarders of digital apes look like fools, while those of us who have been hoarding physical apes, previously scorned, now look like geniuses
— pixelatedboat aka "mr tweets" (@pixelatedboat) May 12, 2022

Today I had to explain to a grown man (aged 52) that women do not have a continuous supply of milk. He thought it was something that happened in puberty, that women get a period and milk at the same time. He thought that.
— ☆⋆Okie Space Queen (@OkieSpaceQueen) May 12, 2022

Love how the men who think women with six-month-old babies can just start producing breast milk are the same ppl who think they know enough about pregnancy to make laws about it.
— Rebecca Makkai (@rebeccamakkai) May 12, 2022

America is the fact that 3 editors have asked me to write about the formula shortage but I can't do it because of a different crisis, which is that I have no childcare for the same child I also don't have formula for.
— Hillary Kelly (@HillaryKelly) May 12, 2022

At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
— Margo Howard (@Margoandhow) May 12, 2022

Left the back door open at my friend's house and her roomba escaped. Hope he goes on an adventure and cleans the whole world
— Carmen Lagala (@CarmenLagala) May 12, 2022

theres only 4 vegan sausage rolls left in this greggsand the two ppl in front of me have mullets im literally sweating
— Meg 🚩 (@mxgbx) May 12, 2022

i've started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i'm better than everyone
— Alex Murdoch (@alexgmurd) May 12, 2022

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: May 13, 2022

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