More face than mask, what more can Black Americans ask, a pilot not up to the task, little light in which we can bask, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

May 23

Divorce Selfie!! pic.twitter.com/eg2FjSFof9
— Divorce Selfie (@DivorceSelfie) May 23, 2020

Grandma's genes really hit copy n paste huh pic.twitter.com/oOtKHl8aSQ
— shelby🇲🇽 (@contrashelby) May 23, 2020

tony hawk is the only epic universally beloved celebrity not to fuck up any of the goodwill he's generated and to have been only minimally affected by his fame. feel free to RT this in 2 years when it turns out he's secretly been running the Taliban this whole time or whatever
— penne benne (@pasta_ben) May 23, 2020

pictures taken by people tripping on LSD pic.twitter.com/JC4MJl132Y
— ruby weapon (@clownpond) May 24, 2020

Instead of praise most essential workers would prefer a raise.
— Andrew Yang🧢🇺🇸 (@AndrewYang) May 23, 2020

What are some of you gonna do if the vaccine has cilantro in it?
— Nick Lehmann (@NickStopTalking) May 23, 2020

May 24

if im going on a date i think regardless of gender, the other person should pay. this is rooted in the fact that i don't want to pay
— hot car gatorade (remix) (@local__celeb) May 24, 2020

my favorite person on tiktok is this socialist teen who exclusively posts about how much she hates golf pic.twitter.com/JojGmh4XdM
— Alison Herman (@aherman2006) May 25, 2020

nobody supports you like a social media friend that you've never met ✨
— Talia Trilogy (@TaliaTrilogy) May 24, 2020

men be like "your cute😍" my cute what?
— consentida 🕊 (@yyvveettee) May 24, 2020

accounts like "jenny🧚✨" with 43 followers are the backbone of this app. they are in charge of what goes viral. not me
— clintoris (@clintoris) May 24, 2020

if you've broken a controller while playing a video game you are an actual caveman https://t.co/deo5fZVpmf
— otto (@kehazoku) May 24, 2020

May 25

Fav part of watching Jeopardy is saying "I should be on Jeopardy" every time I correctly answer a $200 clue that happens to be about one of my three interests
— Laura Peek (@laurapeek_) May 25, 2020

Today I learned the tiny little whisk I assumed was a salad dressing whisk and have been using for about two years to make salad dressings is, in fact, a Christmas ornament.
— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) May 26, 2020

To all who have served a hot breakfast. pic.twitter.com/RPypJzcxSW
— Terry KY Proud Brown™️ (@TBrown_80) May 25, 2020

We didn't write this one. But holy shit, do we wish we had. https://t.co/rRbdlUPpTi
— Walking Eagle News (@TheEagleist) May 25, 2020

two babies starting a true crime podcast about who got their nose
— carter hambley (@carterhambley) May 26, 2020

i love when guys on dating apps ask "how is a gorgeous girl like you single" I'm mentally ill, brandon
— mads (@madddiexo) May 25, 2020

i think its impressive to tweet something with 0 likes..... ur thought was original and unique and no one related to you
— words mean things (@a_busy_woman) May 26, 2020

straight couples are like, "babe. babe. babe? babe! babe. babe. babe!"
— Eve (@eve_kenneally) May 25, 2020

Some say he's still up there. https://t.co/5z1nvt8qTm
— kurt braunohler (@kurtbraunohler) May 25, 2020

Ruin a couch by peeing on it.

I'll go first:

"Oh no I pissed all over this chaise longue!"
— Julia Hladkowicz (@juliacomedy) May 25, 2020

🎶Fly me to the moon🎶
🎶let me die...on the moon🎶
🎶let me take my helmet off and🎶
🎶suffocate to death🎶
— Matt O'Brien (@matt_obrien) May 25, 2020

May 26

Conspiracy theorists: There's a secret group of billionaires that runs the world.
Everyone else: There's a public group of billionaires that runs the world.
— Dave Shumka (@daveshumka) May 27, 2020

June's fighter has entered the ring pic.twitter.com/4dkoOJesG8
— the drake gatsby 🏠 (@DrakeGatsby) May 26, 2020

wore a mask to the bank and gave them money, like a backwards robber
— DeAnne Smith (@DeAnne_Smith) May 26, 2020

If you don't check Twitter for two days and come back, everyone's already joking about a controversy you've never heard of. Suddenly every tweet is like "Buzz Lightyear is NOT misogynistic, here's proof" and it's a picture of a wheelbarrow and Danny DeVito with 40,000 likes
— Dan Gurewitch (@DanGurewitch) May 27, 2020

Grimes and Elon Musk are the Kardashians for people who watch Rick & Morty
— Keifer? I Hardly Know Her (@DannyVegito) May 26, 2020

i've been laughing about this for hours pic.twitter.com/0XfEKThwIN
— jesse (@_jorts_) May 26, 2020

So my Dad made good use of his time in lockdown and built a huge laughing Kookaburra. pic.twitter.com/UGVC4dZsCL
— Rafaan (@RafaanDaliri) May 26, 2020

My wife, just now: "The only situation in which he'd be terrifying is if you're both in Final Jeopardy and the category is 'Birds.'" https://t.co/T53RJGJt5J
— Daniel W. Drezner (@dandrezner) May 26, 2020

May 27

"Racism isn't getting worse, it's getting filmed" - Will Smith
— Femi Koleoso (@FemiOnDrums) May 27, 2020

If you have 10 bad cops and 1,000 good cops, but those 1,000 good cops don't turn in the 10 bad cops, you have 1,010 bad cops.
— kieron (@kieroncg) May 27, 2020

Lawyers need 7 years of university to practice and know the law. Police officers spend 8 weeks at an academy and are given a gun and badge to enforce the law. definitely a disconnect there
— BOO BOO SHOESTER 🇭🇹 (@tweetsbyNAS) May 27, 2020

Chris Rock, 2018 pic.twitter.com/0DEGYUI9hY
— Joe Berkowitz (@JoeBerkowitz) May 27, 2020

*MLK has left the chat*
*Malcolm X has joined the chat*
— you're askin' for a baskin. (@__PettyShabazz) May 27, 2020

congratulations to United States President Stupid J. Moron for bringing 15 cases of coronavirus all the way down to one hundred thousand deaths. ace job there, you depraved incompetent fuck
— Jeff Tiedrich (@itsJeffTiedrich) May 27, 2020

Made a mask out of a photo of my face printed on cotton & I gotta say it's... exactly as disturbing as I thought it would be pic.twitter.com/h8QN4Nh2rD
— Christopher Miller (@chrizmillr) May 27, 2020

MAN, IF CONSERVATIVE VOICES ARE BEING SILENCED ON SOCIAL MEDIA. HOW COME THEY NEVER SHUT THE FUCK UP.
— NECKBEARD_DEATHCAMP (@NDeathcamp) May 28, 2020

im in a bad place rn... not mentally, I just live in the United States 💔
— marci (@kingofevrythng) May 27, 2020

Sorry, I'm still busy reporting out Trump's accusation that your father was involved in the killing of JFK. https://t.co/bs7L5W4QCj
— John Heilemann (@jheil) May 27, 2020

soup was invented in 1927 by John Soup when he wanted to drink a chicken
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) May 27, 2020

May 28

Headline of the day. pic.twitter.com/AaWmQoZvFa
— Nick de Semlyen (@NickdeSemlyen) May 28, 2020

Stop complaining about "riots." Riots gave you 8-hour workdays, gay rights, and free speech.
— Eli Erlick (@EliErlick) May 28, 2020

If you only read the news the world is bad. But if you actually go outside the world is also bad there
— Chris Locke (@chrislockeworld) May 29, 2020

I apologize to everyone expecting to see me on Good Morning America today, but after the events in Minnesota with George Floyd I'm in no mood to tell America, good morning.
— Ice Cube (@icecube) May 28, 2020

Bombing Middle East countries won't undo 9/11. https://t.co/MJFlEBZTmw
— Leonardo Jacobs (@_leolionheart_) May 28, 2020

black people riot when their anger over being murdered and oppressed reaches a boiling point.

here are some fun reasons why white people have rioted:
— tracy jumps to put jeans on (@brokeymcpoverty) May 28, 2020

I know that's what I did as a young'un in the Midwest. Cow-tippin' and ballot-stealin'. Right after watermelon-spikin'. What terrific memories.
— Mark Hertling (@MarkHertling) May 28, 2020

 
May 29

A black reporter covering the murder of a black man was arrested before the white man that committed the murder.
— Nabilah Islam for Congress (@NabilahforGA07) May 29, 2020

The police are blaming the man they murdered for not being healthy enough to strangle for 9 minutes https://t.co/pXu6T65ess
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) May 30, 2020

Racism isn't a touchy topic if you're not a fucking racist
— breezy (@bneura_) May 29, 2020

LOOTING?

HOW YOU THINK THEY FILLED THEM MUSEUMS UP??
— Neal Riggers (@ChrisCrackNDC) May 29, 2020

Don't threaten ME with a good time. pic.twitter.com/R5uIKsp4HI
— Joanna Robinson (@jowrotethis) May 29, 2020

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: May 29, 2020

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