No, We Are Not Changing Our Name, amazing bathroom aim, a scripted NBA game, the most ever shower shame, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

April 28

would you drink out of the nine inch nails brita? pic.twitter.com/WRL6An0fGF
— cowboy depop (@ftp1212) April 28, 2023

"I am so sorry for the holocaust" pic.twitter.com/OtbyOeilbO
— gianmarco (@GianmarcoSoresi) April 28, 2023

Standing behind two teens in line for Jamba Juice and one girl turns her whole body to conceal her phone as she googles "best smoothie to impress goth girl". Love is alive in the mall food court
— Sam Winkler (@ThatSamWinkler) April 28, 2023

yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
— brent (@murrman5) April 28, 2023

So let me get this straight…a lot of people simply cannot believe that John Mulaney was a cokehead because he looks clean cut?? Well, have I got some news for you about the world of cocaine
— Unruly Heather Marulli (@FixedAirHeather) April 29, 2023

I hate the phrase 'meteoric rise.' Doesn't make any sense. Meteors don't rise. They are are only famous for falling. I am Neil Degrasse Tyson now.
— Haus of Decline (@hausofdecline) April 28, 2023

the irony of the lakers beating the grizzlies by 40 to take the series after dillon brooks said he wouldn't respect lebron until he gave him 40 is unreal

NBA script writers took their time with this one
— Molly Morrison (@mollyhannahm) April 29, 2023

happy 4th birthday to the funniest sentence in human history pic.twitter.com/raTiD6Y3V1
— hunter (@hunter_hhhh) April 28, 2023

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!! https://t.co/zEra9jgD6L pic.twitter.com/IRBdaOhw7w
— gaz (@gazpachomachine) April 28, 2023

Still my favorite television listing of all time: pic.twitter.com/loXGNlWGxA
— David Cay Johnston (@DavidCayJ) April 28, 2023

absolutely perfect movie joke. not a single ounce of fat on this bad boy pic.twitter.com/PFUprMKWpN
— america's lounge singer (@KrangTNelson) April 28, 2023

her agent told her to give the performance of a lifetime and she did pic.twitter.com/d09On8uqXU https://t.co/8TEcdd0KbF
— Johnny Neff (@JohnnyNeff_) April 29, 2023

April 29

this is my aunt !! it was her first acting job and they didn't tell her a thing about the scene til she got to set, they told all the extras they aren't even allowed to look at the cast. she was so nervous. she says thank you for all the love! https://t.co/iv5oR3FiUG
— moth 5$ OF (@hickorymoth) April 30, 2023

This still remains my greatest life achievement. How do I frame this on my CV? https://t.co/iAjL60X9Ut
— TJ (@TerahJay) April 29, 2023

Scotiabank Centre raises "2022-23 1st Round Champions" banner
— The Beaverton (@TheBeaverton) April 30, 2023

Once, I hate pasta. Now, it's my life. pic.twitter.com/aHykkcavno
— grown man who calls the ground "the floor" (@boring_as_heck) April 30, 2023

fishing has gotta be one of the only activities that immediately gets worse when you succeed. you're just relaxing, enjoying nature, living life. then your fishing line tenses and it's like fucking great. now i have to deal with this shit
— thomas (Bad Boy arc) 🍌 (@perfectsweeties) April 29, 2023

https://t.co/v2Yp674MCG pic.twitter.com/06QiEa1qQi
— Skyler Higley (@skyler_higley) April 29, 2023

been letting my little brother use my ipad 👍 pic.twitter.com/klmwCDr6il
— haley hunnidproof🕺 (@srirachabender) April 29, 2023

Sad to report the my bank has become a pervert. pic.twitter.com/I77UdqiOkE
— Michael A. Balazo (@mbalazo) April 29, 2023

that time Bill Maher had on Bill Burr expecting him to agree with him about "the woke mindvirus" ruining comedy, but instead Burr told him he was being a hysterical freak pic.twitter.com/bBdhh8aesM
— ☀️👀 (@zei_squirrel) April 29, 2023

.@roywoodjr just DESTROYED Clarence Thomas at the White House Correspondents Dinner and it was AMAZING. pic.twitter.com/GspS8x5sAV
— Andrew Wortman (@AmoneyResists) April 30, 2023

We memed Dark Brandon into existence oh my godpic.twitter.com/nIgMRFBMHK
— Santiago Mayer (@santiagomayer_) April 30, 2023

April 30

barbara was highly relatable pic.twitter.com/XxcYrtrMtF
— Phil Clifton (@philclifton) April 30, 2023

This is funny as hell. she was in charge for like 6 weeks and stole 12 grand in bathrobes https://t.co/7vIWMiggei
— Stop Cop City (@JoshuaPHilll) April 30, 2023

my favorite thing about newspapers that online news can't replicate is how they'd ratchet up the font size to insane levels when the news was exciting https://t.co/ab3dnxMUb6
— Rob DenBleyker (@RobDenBleyker) April 30, 2023

Incorrect. https://t.co/KYC0z1d832 pic.twitter.com/DzPjCNLHko
— Mariella ! (@pfaffphobic) April 30, 2023

Warriors vs Lakers is finna be worse than the Vietnam war on here , I'll be turning in on time
— BASED SAVAGE (@crackcobain__) April 30, 2023

It's time, Steve https://t.co/bkcqirETaj pic.twitter.com/KiVTHnjaco
— sam esfandiari (@samesfandiari) April 30, 2023

Pay attention at the end. How old is this footage ABC is using?! Wtf is goin on here?! pic.twitter.com/254YhBzE1R
— Khaled Abdallah (@khaled74) April 30, 2023

????https://t.co/pU9Em4dJRC pic.twitter.com/krMzX2w2g4
— Rob Perez (@WorldWideWob) April 30, 2023

if you can do this you should absolutely be allowed to pic.twitter.com/i74umOMffR
— Adam Cerious (@Browtweaten) April 30, 2023

they look so ominous i'm crying pic.twitter.com/W31YlKjmKb
— jimmy (@jimmyoutsold) April 30, 2023

I wonder why Republicans are losing Gen Z voters by landslide numbers. pic.twitter.com/zPGNSnlvdc
— No Lie with Brian Tyler Cohen (@NoLieWithBTC) April 30, 2023

my wife and I on edibles trying to understand an episode of Succession pic.twitter.com/0EnpiHUq7Y
— Matt O'Brien (@matt_obrien) May 1, 2023

pov: you're steven crowder pic.twitter.com/zqDRgyVi9e
— LeGate🤠 (@williamlegate) April 30, 2023

clock in before you start your commute
clock out when you have gotten home

Every second counts! pic.twitter.com/o4R0cIohRm
— Gritty is the Way (@Gritty20202) April 30, 2023

May 1

Reposting on this special day pic.twitter.com/snFGrtdtMC
— Michael DeForge (@michael_deforge) May 1, 2023

You never want to hear this pic.twitter.com/gL3T5TJXpk
— Rocking roll is here to stay (@neath_waters) May 1, 2023

That awkward moment you're trying to explain QAnon to a federal judge. pic.twitter.com/FJpOAPigRR
— Seamus Hughes (@SeamusHughes) May 1, 2023

this looks like a wedding hall in mississauga https://t.co/wvw7Evu4Oa
— sarah hagi (@KindaHagi) May 1, 2023

No one:

The headlights on a car owned by a 30 something woman who don't play about her nursing job: pic.twitter.com/9CZPKUBX2s
— hm? this is Godiva (@Dominicannabis_) May 2, 2023

Asked for an epidural after almost 24 hours of labor and the male anesthesiologist refused, telling me epidurals were a luxury and that women have been giving birth for thousands of years without it. And that, friends, is why we need more women in medicine.
— Tamarra Kemsley (@tamarranicole) May 1, 2023

I love when boomers like Bill Maher will be like "I'm not a conservative. I haven't changed any of my views it's society changing around me." Like what exactly do you think that means? You are describing being conservative lmao.
— Mac (@GoodPoliticGuy) May 2, 2023

when voting by Zoom goes wrong. #mnleg pic.twitter.com/AHsPXf9PRK
— Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) May 1, 2023

5 years ago we would have had a cockroach from met gala gimmick account going "i was invited bitch" and it would have 100k rts https://t.co/G73R7BWYWd
— sybil grimalkin (@joblessthursday) May 2, 2023

holy shit it's the actor from wall-e i thought he retired https://t.co/O0Xd0qcBPH pic.twitter.com/Fxw7SN0qcx
— laura 🦠 (@ecto_fun) May 2, 2023

kendall & roman running waystar pic.twitter.com/RfkY1BCWUu
— meg succession text posts (@successtextpost) May 1, 2023

The Shield put FX on the map. Mad Men put AMC on the map. House of Cards put Netflix on the map. Writers did that. Not some CEO.

Know what you get when you put CEOs in creative lanes? You get Quibi.
— Sal Calleros (@salcalleros) May 1, 2023

You're a fool if you clean your shower, it's supposed to be seasoned like a cast iron skillet
— Mr. Bedtime (@InternetHippo) May 1, 2023

May 2

Did you really just "hear me out" Jessica Alba https://t.co/g8JO6d31oN
— Zoë Rose Bryant (@ZoeRoseBryant) May 3, 2023

Call me Karl Marx but I don't think 8 Hollywood CEOs should make more money every year than ALL writers are asking for combined over 3 years
— Zack Bornstein (@ZackBornstein) May 2, 2023

i feel like we should talk about how Julia Louis-Dreyfus was a real one during the 2007 writers strike pic.twitter.com/EvUhP1g9E2
— Petty Is Praxis (@rtyson82) May 2, 2023

I remember watching clips of Conan's Late Night ringspins in 2007 and being SO invested in this.

He ended up getting a MIT physicist to try several experiments on beating his time with an air chamber, vaseline and then finally using a Teflon surface.

Peak television right here. https://t.co/LXnIpfFqx8 pic.twitter.com/o0W1Vvwtvu
— Colin Regan (@ColinFilm) May 2, 2023

everyone talking about Conan spinning his ring, no one talking about how during the last strike he started playing with the camera switcher because he had nothing else to do pic.twitter.com/cc85PLDstA
— Rachel Paige (@rachmeetsworld) May 2, 2023

if you ever feel personally affected by a strike, then blame the people not paying the workers enough money. it is really not complicated
— Rob (@robrousseau) May 2, 2023

Hollywood writers are the only thing keeping millions of americans from suicide but they shouldn't be paid more is the consummate twitter blue take https://t.co/N2RXYY34Nv
— eve6 (@Eve6) May 2, 2023

Shower Food Review 42: Giant Sour Gummy Worm - This was the most shame I've ever felt in the shower. I'm worried even God won't forgive me for this one. My ex girlfriend is moving out soon and she saw me eating this. The look on her face said "I made the right choice." 7/10 pic.twitter.com/d8rCUg1S9v
— gaz (@gazpachomachine) May 2, 2023

Its probably not good that everything costs too much and nothing pays enough right
— Jake Flores (@feraljokes) May 2, 2023

Ja was in the strip club with no shirt and a .380, and the Grizzlies drew the line at Dillon Brooks being annoying.

You know how annoying you gotta be??
— Silas P. Silas (@KennySpenceNBA) May 2, 2023

pic.twitter.com/2HUMegAD6v
— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) May 3, 2023

Gen Z is amazing. I asked a (paid) intern to bring me 50 blank pieces of copier paper and when she brought them in they were warm. Turns out that, rather than count them, she set the copier to 50 and printed blank sheets. Genius.
— 𝕊𝕦𝕟𝕕𝕒𝕖_𝔻𝕚𝕧𝕚𝕟𝕖 (@SundaeDivine) May 2, 2023

saying goodbye on a 1 hour zoom meeting I contributed nothing to

pic.twitter.com/aq70KcBPCT
— 7/11 Truther (@DaveMcNamee3000) May 2, 2023

This goofy graph starts at like 37.2 hours a week and ends at 36.9 hours lol https://t.co/4SfIMoZ6LI
— Stop Cop City (@JoshuaPHilll) May 2, 2023

People will say stuff like "well at least if WWIII happens I won't have to go to work…" I think in your heart you know that's not true
— Lolo (@LolOverruled) May 2, 2023

I literally fantasize about teachers going on strike lol. Like imagine every single teacher in America strikes.

Then ppl gotta call off work to take care of their kids. Or pay people.

Then the whole fuckin world collapses with so much of its workforce home.
— KASHMIR. (@thisiskashmir) May 3, 2023

I wonder if my therapist would help me edit something on Adobe Premiere
— ben stager (@bennnnst) May 3, 2023

May 3

Brilliant pic.twitter.com/30iGyGVvCQ
— M@ (@mattfromlondon) May 3, 2023

I'm in tears. This baker said she misread the customer text asking for a "Elmo" cake & instead made an "emo" cake but realized last minute & tried to improvise. Y'all 😂😂😂😂 pic.twitter.com/5aUW2z1LeQ
— I appreciate you. (@DeeLaSheeArt) May 4, 2023

No one dumped anything, pasta is indigenous to the woods of New Jersey https://t.co/HJBlG4evUL
— Jeremy Schneider (@J_Schneider) May 3, 2023

The whole point is to invent robots to do the work no one wants to do, not to invent robots to do the jobs that people love. How are we messing this up so badly
— Jill Twiss (@jilltwiss) May 4, 2023

It's so funny that one of the world's richest men keeps losing a fight with the radio station that gives you a tote bag if you donate to help them play jazz pic.twitter.com/vDnKKwFMWM
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) May 3, 2023

taylor swift had an album called 1989

she's dating a guy named the 1975

we know about her personal secrets because we're living in george atwood's 1984
— jos (@josiahhughes) May 4, 2023

"Meh. It's not like anyone can control or prevent disease."

- Centers for Disease Control and Prevention https://t.co/W8gHqd4gkn
— T. Ryan Gregory (@TRyanGregory) May 3, 2023

why is "homeless people should be given homes instead of being murdered by civilians" considered a radical opinion
— Rodney (@SkinnyTuna) May 3, 2023

do NOT buy plane tickets on shein pic.twitter.com/YK6r6jiNE5
— albert (@albert12798) May 3, 2023

kevin hart could play his entire family if he did a movie about his life pic.twitter.com/j0opkSDAEC
— faith (@faiththegemini) May 3, 2023

Appropriate this week#WGAStrong pic.twitter.com/dQjjH2TsWg
— Kim Hornsby (@kimhornsby) May 3, 2023

& that's that!! pic.twitter.com/YXuFPIuWfn
— taylor santiago berger (@taylorberger69) May 3, 2023

THIS THREAD IS OF MY FAVE PICKET SIGNS. reply to the sign to help me tag and give credit if i don't have it! thank you! 🙏🏽@WGAWest @WGAEast #WritersStrike ✊🏽 pic.twitter.com/9YZXDgZxFK
— Jenny Yang is in LA Sun May 21st 4pm Self Help Me (@jennyyangtv) May 3, 2023

May 4

Original STAR WARS dialogue:

Luke and Ben enter the cantina.

LUKE: The guy with the bum mouth looks weird eh

BEN: Shhhhhhhhh Jesus
— Ham Cucumber (@chrislockeworld) May 4, 2023

Every shot from Succession is filmed like this https://t.co/qQyZNDIsjg
— Ben Crew (@BenjaminCrew1) May 4, 2023

I intend on making my signs slightly more unhinged every day pic.twitter.com/XJbe9ksCcw
— caitie delaney (@caitiedelaney) May 4, 2023

Justice Clarence Thomas should be forced to sew patches from his fiscal sponsors on his robe like a NASCAR car.
— Mr. Newberger (@jeremynewberger) May 4, 2023

but first WHAT ?? https://t.co/MOumUrqnJb
— Hurt CoPain (@SaeedDiCaprio) May 4, 2023

This is not how white men fight https://t.co/qJNvgGVbJ8
— Roy Wood Jr- Ex Jedi (@roywoodjr) May 4, 2023

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: May 5, 2023

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