Couple who arrives first to the folk punk house show in Guelph, Spotify pwns itself, cereals taking up more shelf, Jimmy Carter's an elf, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

April 30

"hey sorry I just saw ur text"

- me with screen time of 11 hrs per day
— Sohan Motwani (@sohanshm10) May 1, 2021

Zoom has conditioned me to believe that if I don't like an event or meeting, I can just leave—immediately and without a word to anyone. This will be hard to unlearn.
— Connor Ewing (@ConnorMEwing) April 30, 2021

it doesn't matter just put whatever on pic.twitter.com/sOeAyxY7X3
— 2024 Presidential Candidate Richard 'Dick' Butt (@tacticaldipshit) May 1, 2021

Did we ever find out what Viola Davis wanted in T-Pain's DMs?
— Wildest Dreams (Taylor's Version) (@MusingsHistory) April 30, 2021

pic.twitter.com/UrfdS2IRul
— problematic age gap between two podcast hosts (@websiteidi0t) April 30, 2021

new CDC guidelines just dropped https://t.co/8fuefmFprp
— 🏳️‍🌈connor boy summer🏳️‍🌈 (@Connor_is_lovly) April 30, 2021

being on twitter pic.twitter.com/L7DCA0JBji
— Sarah Z (@marysuewriter) May 1, 2021

May 1

Do not go gentle
into that good night.
Rage, rage against
the dying of the light. pic.twitter.com/QOd51WECEb
— Mark Pahlow (@mcpheeceo) May 1, 2021

Ah yes, the two genders: surgeons and ladies pic.twitter.com/OoBeeQST7u
— Tara Mulholland (@tara_mulholland) May 2, 2021

If you don't pronounce Arugula like the sound of an old timey car horn then you're missing out on one of life's simple pleasures. It's free to do
— Andrew Ivimey (@Ivimey) May 1, 2021

The creative process: pic.twitter.com/G5dc3rfCla
— Into The Forest Dark (@ElliottBlackwe3) May 1, 2021

Wow Elon even trying to bust unions on SNL. https://t.co/sh4uI4QxHL
— Travis Helwig (@travishelwig) May 1, 2021

Please if you work at SNL just let him do all of his ideas, from the bottom of my heart I beg you pic.twitter.com/26nJYlqqAm
— Ashley Feinberg (@ashleyfeinberg) May 2, 2021

Tom Brady is dressed like he's going to kill Roger Rabbit and the rest of Toontown. pic.twitter.com/du0kQQm94i
— Frank Pallotta (@frankpallotta) May 1, 2021

Guy on the train has brought a massive like 50 inch TV to watch South Park on?? pic.twitter.com/J8ZeFJJTzJ
— S🚩 (@hopexha17) May 1, 2021

Wtf when did cereal go landscape? pic.twitter.com/aqs9ymVCPB
— Laura Lexx (@lauralexx) May 1, 2021

May 2

pic.twitter.com/iEX7uXt06P
— Wonka Bourdain - FKA Irish (@premiles_) May 2, 2021

Christ is back and he's PISSED pic.twitter.com/EtgXZvSdow
— Rob Sheridan (@rob_sheridan) May 2, 2021

Tiny Desk is basically our generation's MTV Unplugged huh?
— Lawrence Burney (@TrueLaurels) May 3, 2021

Men only want one thing and it's to open both windows so we can get a cross-breeze going
— Christina Catherine Martinez (@xtina_catherine) May 3, 2021

Truly unbelievable shit right here pic.twitter.com/4oUc9gcyDY
— Internet Nick Nuñez (@blocktimusprime) May 2, 2021

This is a quality celeb post!! ✅ pic.twitter.com/lCRIeiqEzx
— ⭐️Wiffy Mountbatten⭐️ (@wyntermitchell) May 3, 2021

It's sooo funny that Malcolm gladwell was like, "if you do something a lot you get better at it" and people were like "holy shit.... he's brilliant "
— Madeleine Aggeler (@mmaggeler) May 2, 2021

cool pic of me and my dad violating multiple osha and child labor laws pic.twitter.com/wPeCR8xUVP
— honest jabe (@jaynooch) May 2, 2021

May 3

This website makes people so proud of being dumb and incurious pic.twitter.com/rKxO79YXso
— Jason Bailey PLUS (@jasondashbailey) May 3, 2021

G is for gabagool pic.twitter.com/bvCrPxLyZL
— einstürzende neuböltōn, esq. 🇮🇹👑 (@AmbJohnBoIton) May 4, 2021

This really looks like two giants visited the Carter's. pic.twitter.com/TQsp7zzCtf
— Potty Basic (@TonyAtamanuik) May 4, 2021

"What's England like?" pic.twitter.com/BXK2M9RbtC
— No Context Brits (@NoContextBrits) May 3, 2021

this was the most insane stage of the pandemic pic.twitter.com/44fIpXixWE
— liam (@liamdunne__) May 3, 2021

Having a headache is so embarrassing, like bro you are the one that decides when things hurt just turn it off
— Ron Iver (@ronnui_) May 3, 2021

Bro, they said no more teleworking and my co-workers started QUITTING
— Genie 🍎🦉🗽 (@GenieShinobi) May 3, 2021

He dumped me so I'm dating his landlord. We increasing the rent tomorrow.
— price🇿🇼 (@allaitermoi) May 2, 2021

pic.twitter.com/vU5jTRcDrt
— brands getting owned (@BrandsOwned) May 4, 2021

May 4

FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?

ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
— Raynes Comedy (@raynescomedy) May 5, 2021

Building Immunittttyyyyyy https://t.co/CBKULvwZc5
— Chris Berube (@ChrisBerube) May 5, 2021

It's the way America is just so anti rest that kills me everytime. https://t.co/T0TYMZ0hRp
— Breya. (@TheBlackLayers) May 4, 2021

A serious message about May the Fourth pic.twitter.com/PCaNvc5Blj
— Chris (@chrislockeworld) May 4, 2021

When Grimes leaves Elon he is going to become more divorced than any man has ever been divorced
— Gaetz McFadden (@jacobtwop) May 4, 2021

May 5

couple who arrives first to the folk punk house show in guelph pic.twitter.com/Z3nrujmHWN
— john-john (@bennnnst) May 5, 2021

your honor I thought it'd be funny
— Adam Cerious (@Browtweaten) May 5, 2021

i have a child's understanding of what happens at an office job. what are you guys doing on the computer all day? it can't all be emails
— miscegenation mami (@bannedmommygf) May 5, 2021

Helpful flow chart pic.twitter.com/pnYFhc5AJr
— Kwii (@KwiiHours) May 6, 2021

absolutely top tier pic.twitter.com/hmpET2C4bi
— Corvus 🔆💫⏪⚔️ (@corvus_36) May 5, 2021

Who normalized having sex at night?! You're putting me in a bed at my bedtime and saying "ok now do physical activity" ummm... No
— Nikita Redkar (@nikitadumptruck) May 5, 2021

the declining birth rate in our country has forced me to ask myself a couple tough questions such as "who cares" and "so what"
— 𝑜𝓁𝒹 𝓉𝑜𝓂 (@YuckyTom) May 5, 2021

Have people considered that perhaps part of the reason fewer American women are having babies is that having a baby seems like an enormous pain in the ass in every possible way
— Erin justice breyer please retire Ryan (@morninggloria) May 5, 2021

May 6

this photo is a complete symphony pic.twitter.com/IS4H994v8P
— Bill and Melinda Geets (@ElSangito) May 6, 2021

I think there's been an accident pic.twitter.com/GOz52OUsCx
— Joe Russell (@Joebob) May 6, 2021

pic.twitter.com/VrQ3wte0nA
— sigma mogul mindset (@iaminsufferable) May 6, 2021

My toxic trait is saying "long story short" and then telling the full length unabridged Snyder cut story anyways
— dumb adult (@__papa_) May 6, 2021

He's so aggressive with his allyship 😭😭😭 pic.twitter.com/mtJVfG2KDJ
— Lilith (@LilithButtercup) May 6, 2021

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: May 7, 2021

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