"Mid," a daughter's width, people start having kids, the "bad news" you're calling with, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

November 3

anyone that lives in a studio apartment will understand pic.twitter.com/94WPlCXEWD
— Tom McGovern (@tommcgovern27) November 3, 2023

i tell you: i have been laughing at this in a way that has caused me pain pic.twitter.com/9COOtUFXR7
— Greatest Story Ewa Told (@EwaSR) November 3, 2023

Conservatives: this is how we want to live our lives.

Everyone else: … so do it.

Conservatives: no, you guys have to do it too or it won't count. 🥺
— King Pierre. 🦁🇭🇹 (@pierrefleury_) November 3, 2023

"I canceled my Obamacare, then signed up for the Affordable Care Act." - Fox News viewer.
— Alex Cole (@acnewsitics) November 3, 2023

Andy, thanks for demonstrating why we need to fully fund our schools in Tennessee. https://t.co/UQjbOaIcsI
— Rep. Justin Jones (@brotherjones_) November 3, 2023

NEW: Raskin to Santos: "I appreciate your note. I only wish someone would have proofread it first. PS: there's no shame in resigning." pic.twitter.com/HAGVdCECQ9
— Mueller, She Wrote (@MuellerSheWrote) November 3, 2023

What the hell happened? pic.twitter.com/rNk35QP7xm
— Alex Cole (@acnewsitics) November 3, 2023

I cant get over how theres multiple generations of comedians who say George Carlin is not only their favorite comedian but the BEST comedian ever, have exactly zero to say about whats going on. Just happily postin their little crowd work podcast character clips like nothin.
— Marcella Arguello (@marcellacomedy) November 3, 2023

I can't top this. https://t.co/v0aMRx2h2w
— New York Times Pitchbot (@DougJBalloon) November 3, 2023

November 4

Happy Person Must Either Be Stupid Or Evil https://t.co/qSIjbVpK4p
— The Onion (@TheOnion) November 4, 2023

Peter Jackson should use AI technology to make a final Dave Clark Five song.
— Michael A. Balazo (@mbalazo) November 4, 2023

I think this is an excellent analogy 🔥👇 https://t.co/KcgwScU6kQ
— tern (@1goodtern) November 4, 2023

Yoo bro can you watch me from 5-10 tonight? My gf is going out with her friends and I'll be alone
— pj (@pjayevans) November 5, 2023

the nba designed 30 new courts when they could've just done this for the in-season tournament https://t.co/W06E7PQw2q
— alex (@steven_lebron) November 4, 2023

Charlottesville got a team??? https://t.co/4VIfiSuWXc
— ian karmel (@IanKarmel) November 4, 2023

We should probably go ahead and stop electing politicians who are preparing for the rapture. They're not in this for the long haul
— Liam Nissan™ (@theliamnissan) November 4, 2023

Weird I thought this was only supposed to happen if we raised the minimum wage https://t.co/o2lCGyefWe
— K ☭ (@IbaraEleven) November 4, 2023

He just confessed to obstructing justice. https://t.co/bsIiuX8y8I
— Bob Cesca (@bobcesca_go) November 4, 2023

"young, highly attractive" - that phrasing alone tells me trump leaked the story. https://t.co/1Nro0LC29X
— ben schwartz (@benschwartz_) November 5, 2023

November 5

Dating hack: if you have a crush on a guy, just get to know him and it'll go away. Hope this helps ❤️
— b (@the_petshopboy) November 5, 2023

You almost have to respect Netflix's outward, unabashed hatred for their own subscribers https://t.co/DQZD4pdKFb
— MovieBoy (@movieboy69) November 5, 2023

Imagine telling this joke on American TV any time in the last 75 years. https://t.co/3yqvDbPhKz
— Michael McKean (@MJMcKean) November 5, 2023

The anti-podcast gun https://t.co/HkKMpNfrVn
— @gains-skeets.bsky.social (@gains_tweets) November 6, 2023

this the type of shit i been on lately https://t.co/PRqz83TBDP
— kpg (@notoriouskpg) November 5, 2023

Seeing your reflection in the tire is crazy https://t.co/cjON1uXTaP
— yc (@yc) November 5, 2023

This is an insane pic to post with the news 😂 https://t.co/wcjiOKRvhh
— CJ McCollum (@CJMcCollum) November 5, 2023

I'm sorry — do what now? https://t.co/iAX4ctWEpm pic.twitter.com/W58KrcC1fF
— chris evans (@notcapnamerica) November 5, 2023

Ah so not journalism, then https://t.co/v6UWiAzDJO
— Chris Stedman (@ChrisDStedman) November 6, 2023

Forbes, we gotta have a chat pic.twitter.com/Ufhbc4kDIv
— Jacob Silverman 🔋 (@SilvermanJacob) November 5, 2023

"I was a progressive. But then someone called me Eve Fartlow" is so funny man. I gave up my values and turned evil because I got called a funny name. Thats like the origin story of a villain in Rugrats
— actually scared in escape room (@fart) November 5, 2023

https://t.co/yvNdEIUXnv pic.twitter.com/eVv4DJG176
— Alejandra Caraballo (@Esqueer_) November 6, 2023

November 6

Perfect date. Perfect night. And then….ghosted. Welcome to dating in 2023. pic.twitter.com/NXBA35wJbh
— Dan White (@atdanwhite) November 6, 2023

Team Orca is back, baby https://t.co/8hai6kJOpa
— Amanda Hu (@amandalhu) November 6, 2023

What the fuck is that in his hand https://t.co/rCVLxAni3e
— Calvinball Congress (@emericanjezebel) November 6, 2023

sorry but if you're walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you're my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you're walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I'm thinking enemy
— actually it's good (@yungchomsky) November 6, 2023

sure people start getting engaged, married and having kids, BUT something nobody truly prepares you for about your late twenties is how many of your friends start running marathons
— Annie Wu (all socials: @annie_wu_22) (@Annie_Wu_22) November 6, 2023

I missed the anniversary of my dad's best Facebook post pic.twitter.com/Tt8uNkfQ6E
— Samantha Ruddy (@samlymatters) November 7, 2023

It's the union difference pic.twitter.com/u9zXri207g
— Dripped Out Trade Unionists (@UnionDrip) November 6, 2023

In case anyone hasn't seen what's happened yet, a bunch of NFT guys went to an NFT convention and were blasted by prolonged UV light exposure and went blind. https://t.co/FFbwnUCtcO
— 𝚁𝙰𝚈 (@MEASURED_HEAD) November 6, 2023

What kills me is how Quentin Tarantino always poses as if he's the hot one https://t.co/yQj3javQkF
— cuntalina (@fiImaker) November 6, 2023

Sexualizing a genocide is insane https://t.co/o9PVHYC5fZ
— Hades💋 (@preaching_hades) November 6, 2023

Re: Mike Johnson porn story:

30 yrs ago, I knew a librarian at a prominent evangelical seminary whose sole job was going thru personal papers of ministers donated after they died. Her responsibility? Removing all the porn from such collections BEFORE they reached the cataloger.
— Diana Butler Bass (@dianabutlerbass) November 6, 2023

I would bet my life that this guy has a burner phone full of stuff normal people could only look at reflected in a cardboard box like a solar eclipse. https://t.co/zGMAhhpiYP
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) November 6, 2023

Is Mike Johnson's porn addiction Biden's Katrina?
— New York Times Pitchbot (@DougJBalloon) November 6, 2023

Except she sat down. https://t.co/dOrdakgHpo
— Mueller, She Wrote (@MuellerSheWrote) November 6, 2023

NY attorney: Did you get copies of statements in 2021?

Donald Trump: I was so busy in the White House with China, Russia, and keeping the country –

NY attorney (interrupts): You were not the President in 2021. pic.twitter.com/UmDgzD1tOb
— Jane of the North (@JaneotN) November 6, 2023

'New York Times' Invents Entirely New Numerical System To Avoid Reporting Gazan Death Toll https://t.co/kLwrKu4746
— The Onion (@TheOnion) November 6, 2023

I mean, sure, with a beard, he's a five time NBA champion and has Wemby on the roster. https://t.co/I02lfvb9xl
— Franklin Leonard (@franklinleonard) November 6, 2023

If this lineup plays seven consecutive games together this season I will donate $25 to the charity of your choice https://t.co/nObJvvopOn
— Duncan Smith (@DuncanSmithNBA) November 6, 2023

please veil them again https://t.co/wJvAS1NGO3
— russ bengtson (@russbengtson) November 7, 2023

November 7

looks like a VHS tape rewinder you find at a garage sale https://t.co/hE1hEGo2K0
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) November 7, 2023

"you are being unreasonable, we would simply like to puppet your corpse like a marionette"

-the studios
— Vinny Thomas (@vinn_ayy) November 7, 2023

"attempted actress" these updates pages are NOT playing 😭 https://t.co/HPHZUh5Usk
— Hurt CoPain (@SaeedDiCaprio) November 7, 2023

Doug Ford, the guy who slashed Toronto Council in half, surprised municipalities with Strong Mayor legislation, and imposed changes (or tried) to planning legislation, the Greenbelt, and municipal boundaries, THAT GUY is complaining about "jurisdictional creep?"

Go pound sand.
— Glyn Bowerman (@glynbowerman) November 7, 2023

the reason republicans keep losing elections is bc theyre a bunch of weird freaks pushing terrible policy everyone hates
— Andrew Lawrence (@ndrew_lawrence) November 8, 2023

breaking news: voters like having rights
— Leah Greenberg (@Leahgreenb) November 8, 2023

https://t.co/Bbbf2lr8kA pic.twitter.com/8KhqG3Ywot
— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) November 8, 2023

The second person ever censured in the House was censured for introducing a motion for the abolition of slavery https://t.co/EQ7ErAQX6L
— The Universal Nephew (@YoungerPope) November 8, 2023

Holy fuck. In the 75% Republican, racist right wing county in which I grew up, the school board where I went and my mom taught had an all-out fight between a slate of screaming about CRT, transphobic, book banning nazis and five Dems. The Dems swept all five fucking seats. pic.twitter.com/Pr3CckvUln
— scot ross (@rossacrosswi) November 8, 2023

It's weird how Dems keep outperforming in elections while Biden is supposedly historically unpopular.

Almost like Biden isn't actually historically unpopular.
— Angry Staffer 🌻 (@Angry_Staffer) November 8, 2023

Happy 3rd anniversary to the funniest thing that happened in the history of ever pic.twitter.com/03UilFpFHS
— Santiago Mayer (@santiagomayer_) November 7, 2023

#NeverForget https://t.co/ZHBZrD45fD
— Zack Bornstein (@ZackBornstein) November 7, 2023

I've been informed it is obligatory to play this video on the anniversary.

pic.twitter.com/AtAvkFa0nb
— Jack E. Smith ⚖️ (@7Veritas4) November 8, 2023

November 8

🔜 https://t.co/rcDP2pPpz7 pic.twitter.com/OIrEXzmcLI
— Roger (6'5") (@iamtherog) November 8, 2023

not tina fey falling victim to her own decade-old joke pic.twitter.com/8lGCmtfscD
— tom (@th0m4sd4v1d) November 8, 2023

Tough shit. https://t.co/sNAS9ucxrc
— Justine Bateman (@JustineBateman) November 8, 2023

this is how i found out the strike ended https://t.co/BgPPNZGawr
— hunter (@cowboysans) November 9, 2023

me and the boys before we get killed by the joker https://t.co/ZfK9DLPaAY
— Zach (@jestermaxxing) November 9, 2023

In response to Ramaswamy's request, here are Joe Biden's tax returns from 2022, 2021, 2020, 2019, 2018, 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011, 2010, 2009, 2008, 2007, 2006, 2005, 2004, 2003, 2002, 2001, 2000, 1999, and 1998.https://t.co/OeuExlNCkn https://t.co/gQE3XJXcbv
— Eric Columbus (also on Bluesky and 🧵) (@EricColumbus) November 9, 2023

I still don't understand how Ron DeSantis got this far without any of the necessary skills of a decent politician. At the very least a candidate should be able to smile in a way that doesn't look like a health crisis.
— Schooley (@Rschooley) November 9, 2023

One of the few times you will see Boebert in a direct debate with a Democrat in Congress. She often uses the amendment process to get attention, it seems to fall apart here pic.twitter.com/54zzwLuolE
— Acyn (@Acyn) November 8, 2023

"We lost because they put popular things on the ballot, things people want, and the people came out and voted for those things, and that's bad for us, we want terrible things people hate," epic. https://t.co/uzdrEDofDJ
— juliusgoat.bsky.social (@JuliusGoat) November 8, 2023

Moms for Liberty liberated all of their candidates from office lol
— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) November 8, 2023

Moms for liberty is trending and do I have the video for you… @ThatLogicMax pic.twitter.com/66H1WbG0Tw
— Jesus Freakin Congress (@TheJFreakinC) November 8, 2023

dystopian that gal gadot isn't even american but has been given a platform to spread zionist propaganda in california and NYC while bella hadid who IS american is losing jobs in her own country
— ziya 🇨🇦 🕊 (@highnxck) November 8, 2023

Anyone else struggling to manage "Work-Genocide Balance" lately?
— #StopCopCity (@ChuckModi1) November 9, 2023

Norwegians making us look stupid as hell and we totally deserve it. pic.twitter.com/WMmkLxDV8A
— Ally Maynard (@missmayn) November 9, 2023

https://t.co/ILI1NhQUsa pic.twitter.com/HkVm7B3Nqh
— kep is a rock now (@keplyq) November 8, 2023

After all these years, Dream and Clyde still got it. https://t.co/l01NlYsb6C
— Rob Perez (@WorldWideWob) November 9, 2023

I like the Timberwolves retro logo, but it also looks like it just saw its crush agree to go to prom with a different guy. pic.twitter.com/FenT5jVNqK
— ian karmel (@IanKarmel) November 9, 2023

ejecting a superstar (or anyone?!) for a STAREDOWN is legitimately horrible, what are we doing https://t.co/rxTfkrEqWc
— Molly Morrison (@mollyhannahm) November 9, 2023

November 9

This fan may have the greatest courtside video ever 😂🔥

(h/t @overtime ) pic.twitter.com/EdxOmS23xa
— NBACentral (@TheDunkCentral) November 9, 2023

Guy in audience won't stop laughing pic.twitter.com/BdUMFVe5q4
— Harrison Weinreb (@harriweinreb) November 9, 2023

BERMAN: If Hunter & Jim Biden don't respond to subpoenas, will you hold them in contempt?

GREG MURPHY: Absolutely

B: Why did you change your position? You voted against holding Bannon in contempt

M: It's different when someone is in office

B: What office was Hunter Biden in? pic.twitter.com/OTy9CJNAVV
— Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) November 9, 2023

Your family is literally from Poland. Your native food is borscht. They're so desperate to be us https://t.co/R3Vjh6qcBH
— Jennine (@jennineak) November 9, 2023

I'm trying to understand why liberals support ukrainians but not Palestinians. I can't qwhite put my finger on it though.
— My Aunt Fanny 🇵🇸 (@Dienne_7) November 9, 2023

pic.twitter.com/vKayFlya2N
— Comrade Sisko 🖖🏾✊🏿 (@Pinko69420) November 9, 2023

Imagine being stupid enough to believe that women are carrying healthy babies to the 8th or 9th month then suddenly changing their minds and getting abortions for the sake of convenience. How do people this dumb even remember to breathe?
— Sarah Ironside 💙 (@SarahIronside6) November 9, 2023

"they made a trailer without the music for people who hate musicals" well if there's one thing people who hate musicals love, it's being tricked into seeing a musical
— ashley ray (@theashleyray) November 9, 2023

He heard there was a 14 year old girl up there https://t.co/QRS5cojn7B
— Claire Penis (@ZeroSuitCamus) November 9, 2023

Immunity debt. Hurry up and get tuberculosis so you won't get tuberculosis, everyone. https://t.co/iVnLBt18oz
— T. Ryan Gregory (@TRyanGregory) November 9, 2023

hello darkness my old friend it's been like 8 hours why are you back again
— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) November 10, 2023

Just had to have the talk with my dad that he and my mum are at an age where he cannot call me with "bad news" if the bad news is "your mother and I are getting a fake Christmas tree for the first time"
— Clare Blackwood (@clareblackwood) November 9, 2023

He made 6 calls. https://t.co/ZUFjBPYpVU
— Devin Nunes' cow 🐮 (@DevinCow) November 9, 2023

pic.twitter.com/rHgfckYc1u
— Ben Collins (@oneunderscore__) November 9, 2023

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: November 10, 2023

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