Elon season, meet the bees son, Drake got his body done, another reason, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

November 4

I know a lot about writing comedy, so I bought a giant, unprofitable shoe store. I fired many employees and decided to charge Stephen King $8 a month to come to my store. Things are going badly and I believe it is the fault of a left-leaning powerful clown in upstate NY.
— Eugene Mirman (@EugeneMirman) November 4, 2022

me texting my friends mental health advice when I belong in an asylum pic.twitter.com/VtvrHBxrwU
— IG: closedapp (@ih8rts) November 4, 2022

did we ever find out how the vampire's interview went? did he get the job
— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) November 4, 2022

Another reason I won't leave this app. pic.twitter.com/y8gGWt3P4A
— Ashley Winter MD || Urologist (@AshleyGWinter) November 4, 2022

I can admit when I'm wrong and I was wrong about @elonmusk.

No one was more skeptical than I - but his decisions this week have shown he really *can* put a social network on the path to unprecedented success.

Specifically Mastodon.
— 🤦‍♂️ Andrew James Carter (@Carter_AndrewJ) November 4, 2022

I appreciate that alternatives like Mastodon exist but holy shit I should not need to take a masterclass on servers to join a social media network.
— Jessica Ellis (@baddestmamajama) November 4, 2022

too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
— keely flaherty (@keelyflaherty) November 4, 2022

I will not go to another platform that requires me to make "content" that takes any amount of time or brainpower to make. I am on this website to tweet shit like "what the grinch dick look like," not start a second job.
— Giovanni Colantonio (@MarioPrime) November 4, 2022

There really isn't a comparable place to Twitter. Am I supposed to hop on Instagram and write like "the only slasher icon who believably eats ass is Jason Voorhees" underneath a photo of some nice leaves I saw
— Vinnie Mancuso (@VinnieMancuso1) November 4, 2022

Desperately screenshotting Dril tweets like I'm trying to save scrolls from the Library of Alexandria as it burns.
— Richy Craven (@RichyCraven) November 4, 2022

I can't stop laughing. Imagine spending 44 billion dollars just to get fact checked by the thing you bought 🤣🤣🤣 pic.twitter.com/DNXRP69Fo6
— Angry Staffer 🌻 (@Angry_Staffer) November 4, 2022

If you have imposter syndrome, just know that someone took out the largest personal loan in history to buy a failing social media platform during a recession. Go do what it is you want to do.
— malwaretech@infosec.exchange (@MalwareTechBlog) November 5, 2022

what business school case study is this again
— darth™ (@darth) November 5, 2022

Lower class: wife doesn't work
Middle class: wife works
Upper middle class: wife doesn't work
Upper class: wife runs a small business that loses $10k/month
— Halberstam (@parkavedegen) November 4, 2022

Pusha T talked about Drake's mama, daddy, baby mama, producer, his kid AND ruined his Adidas deal...

Yet Drake got bars for Megan and Serena's husband???

DMX was right...
— DaWriter (@DaWriter) November 4, 2022

drake got his body done twice and is still big mind you. the abs are fake. the hair extensions on its last leg. he addicted to porn. pushing 40 and no wife. light-skinned. he doesn't have his papers. his child is a ginger. it's so much to go off of sis @theestallion
— free thinker (@whyisjessinit) November 4, 2022

isn't it nice that Drake and Elon are both proof that no amount of money and power can fix being a loser dork
— Molly Lambert 🦔 (@mollylambert) November 4, 2022

I knew Drake was going to release something because I've been attacked by birds every day this week
— Will Sennett (@Senn_Spud) November 4, 2022

kanye west shutter shades literally defined an era of bar/bat mitzvahs i can't believe he would do us so dirty
— elliot (@elliotwith1t) November 4, 2022

November 5

Most effective voting ad yet 😳 pic.twitter.com/3mscjYJgIS
— i am not the woman in the video (@annesecure) November 5, 2022

congratulations to twitter for launching an innovative anti-harassment feature: a permanent, global main character
— 🌊 REVEREND HOWARD ARSON (NO LISTS!!) 🌊 (@revhowardarson) November 6, 2022

Look at mr. moneybags over here inventing the blog pic.twitter.com/AqWm8Z3Pvc
— andi zeisler (@andizeisler) November 6, 2022

if you hate watching a billionaire destroy the place you live online, wait till you hear what they're up to with planet earth
— 𝕞𝕖𝕘𝕙𝕟𝕒 𝕛𝕒𝕪𝕒𝕟𝕥𝕙 (@betterthemask) November 5, 2022

"Nah, it's fucked, Steve" pic.twitter.com/pJnCArkYOO
— Paul Bronks (@SlenderSherbet) November 5, 2022

Weird Al, proletarian polka king pic.twitter.com/nbyNN79XPA
— Abe Goldfarb (@AbeGoldfarb) November 6, 2022

New Beastie Boys is a bit weird https://t.co/vJlrT5fRBO
— Ed Zitron (@edzitron) November 6, 2022

Semi-regular reminder that it's all a bit. pic.twitter.com/8pO6GjroJ8
— Sonny Bunch (@SonnyBunch) November 5, 2022

The Steelers have a bye this week https://t.co/qQvgpaOq7M
— John Fetterman (@JohnFetterman) November 6, 2022

some girl just told me to join this if twitter dies pic.twitter.com/T2xoJt6I10
— laura 🦠 (@ecto_fun) November 5, 2022

it's funny how nobody is talking about going to Facebook even as a joke
— blaine capatch (@blainecapatch) November 5, 2022

Imagine being a billionaire and instead of drinking passion fruit cocktails in a private lagoon in Kauai with Beyoncé and the Dalai Lama you're an internet punching bag hunched over his phone begging strangers on Twitter for $8.
— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) November 5, 2022

i know im smarter than elon bc if i had 40 billion dollars i wouldn't have bought twitter in the first place https://t.co/mP8tw1CL7F
— cait (@punished_cait) November 5, 2022

every explanation of mastodon makes me feel like I'm at a party and someone wants to play their elaborate card game everyone's too drunk for
— Amy-Leigh Gemstone (lolennui@mas.to) (@lolennui) November 5, 2022

November 6

when the rules of literally any card game are explained to me pic.twitter.com/9dvMpxF8Pd
— Shafeeq (@Y2SHAF) November 6, 2022

I think we are watching, in real time, the mental disintegration of a man who realizes he made the biggest financial mistake in human history. I say this without rancor.
— Gene Weingarten (@geneweingarten) November 6, 2022

being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
— 🌻✨️Lauren Dombrowski🏴‍☠️🍊 (@callmekitto) November 6, 2022

lol pic.twitter.com/GJX06GwdcV
— Elon Musk Fondles Dogs (@chaser) November 7, 2022

twitter users today: pic.twitter.com/FjxZVIeLuB
— Adam Cerious (@Browtweaten) November 7, 2022

Elon Musk right now is like if Elmer Fudd bought a website of Bugs Bunnies
— Ken(neth) (@disasterlaster) November 6, 2022

an insecure narcissist buying a criticism factory
— mike ferguson (@Mik3Ferguson) November 7, 2022

pic.twitter.com/qMXmQUwZm5
— Mueller, She Wrote (@MuellerSheWrote) November 6, 2022

Twitter isn't ruined, this is the best it has been in ages FUCKING AGES

- CLEAR PLOT ARC
- INTERESTING SUBPLOTS
-UNAMBIGUOUS VILLAIN
-BIG LAUGHS
— Hi it's Matt Collins (@mitchberghini) November 7, 2022

we broke him in 9 days pic.twitter.com/q2ISPHYfZB
— slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) November 7, 2022

We are here, on this website at this specific moment, to witness the most dunked-upon person in human history.
— r/LegalAdvice.txt (@legaladvice_txt) November 7, 2022

Every Elon post is like watching Joe Pesci enter the Home Alone house
— John Frankensteiner (@JFrankensteiner) November 7, 2022

teslas when they see a little kid crossing the street: pic.twitter.com/Ssovj7dVuf
— john 🎾 🗸 (@mexicanwilddog) November 7, 2022

i honestly think we're alive to witness the funniest thing thats ever happened
— Andrew Lawrence (@ndrew_lawrence) November 7, 2022

According to the conductor, the train I'm currently on is going backwards to the previous station to "get a running start" up a hill, which feels like an idea I'd have if I was in charge of a train.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) November 6, 2022

i absolutely need to have an italian baby who gesticulates with the passion of a 64 year old sicilian man pic.twitter.com/hWqhGFGbh1
— levy (@1929stockcrash) November 6, 2022

 
November 7

i bet there's a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
— Chairman Birb Bernanke (✖️,✖️) (@Bonecondor) November 8, 2022

The Crown should do an entire season about the events leading up to this photo pic.twitter.com/Nv3PzeRWLH
— Michael A. Balazo (@mbalazo) November 7, 2022

That MILF had a NAME and it was SYLVIA PLATH. pic.twitter.com/JMliCE39fo
— Rohita Kadambi (@RohitaKadambi) November 7, 2022

How did ONE hour make it go from dark at 9pm to dark at 6pm……somebody lying 🤣
— Jᴀʏ Lᴏᴄᴄ (@hotsmoovy) November 8, 2022

Someone in our neighbourhood makes their own honey and sells them in a box outside their home. Today as I put some money and picked my jar of honey someone from the house yelled "Guten tag! Would you like to meet the bees?" like fuck yeah I wanna meet some bees and I met the bees
— ege (@egeofanatolia) November 7, 2022

tiktok is full of the most helpless people in the entire world. you could post a recipe for pepperoni pizza and the comments would be full of people shaking in their boots saying "Can I put sausage on it instead?" No. You can't. You will die
— will (@twothickscoops) November 7, 2022

Happy 2nd anniversary to the funniest thing that happened in the history of ever pic.twitter.com/nHyWOB9JV2
— Santiago Mayer (@santiagomayer_) November 7, 2022

Ted Cruz at Houston's championship parade. pic.twitter.com/wtKno6yaZk
— Jason Selvig (@jasonselvig) November 7, 2022

Twitter is owned by Republican. Fox News is owned by a Republican. CNN is owned by a Republican. OANN is owned by a Republican. Parler is owned by a Republican. Newsmax is owned by a Republican. Daily Wire is owned by a Republican. The "liberal media" is a Republican a myth.
— Dash Dobrofsky (@DashDobrofsky) November 8, 2022

Just thought I'd see how things are going on Twitter tod—

Good lord. 😳 pic.twitter.com/ZBm4Bnup6r
— Ashton Pittman (@ashtonpittman) November 7, 2022

I'm not saying Mark Zuckerberg is a better person, but if you changed your name on Facebook to "Italian Mark Zuckerberg" and posted "I send a the calzone into the metaverse! Ohhhh!" he would never see it, and even if he did, he would not care, and would not do anything about it.
— Unwinder (@UnwinderH) November 7, 2022

yea do what daddy says @elonmusk pic.twitter.com/TZCV8CNeHN
— #juug (@camkarda) November 7, 2022

he's taking away our free speech pic.twitter.com/7AVIVGYkBQ
— Hurt CoPain (@SaeedDiCaprio) November 7, 2022

something I find very interesting about being deaf is that apparently my boobs can hear my infant crying even when I can't
— 👻madeline odent 👻 (@oldenoughtosay) November 7, 2022

Hey I noticed you aren't obsessed with me. What's up with that
— danlet (@evildanevil) November 7, 2022

 
November 8

as a Canadian, this is how it feels watching American elections these days pic.twitter.com/AzVboCrRuo
— Pat Dubois 🇺🇦 (@patdubois) November 8, 2022

John Fetterman about to become the first person to wear AND1 shorts on the Senate floor.
— Mike Beauvais (@MikeBeauvais) November 9, 2022

My wife just said, "John Fetterman looks like if a union was a person."
— David Slack (@slack2thefuture) November 9, 2022

Just voted and was approached by an elderly woman looking on her NYC ballot for Dr. Oz. I don't really know where to go from here. Perhaps to the bar.
— Sarah Meyer (@SarahMeyerNYC) November 8, 2022

Deeply disappointed in Katy Perry's politics. Someone I have long looked up to as a great political mind
— pj (@pjayevans) November 8, 2022

don't know ANYTHING about his politics, but the CEO of Arizona Iced Tea has kept then 23oz cans 99 cent through 2 recessions. I'll vote for him if he runs
— Brian Simpson (@bscomedian) November 8, 2022

Toronto is so beautiful. It has a traffic jam overlooking the lake
— Chris Locke (@chrislockeworld) November 8, 2022

November 9

I understand everyone is having fun making fun of Twitter right now and I don't want to tone police but PLEASE remember to also make fun of the crypto crash happening right now as well.
— 🎃 Dave Scheidt 🎃 (@DaveScheidt) November 9, 2022

What did he think was gonna happen pic.twitter.com/vtBuboWXDs
— Screamer Jim (@HeheWaitWhut) November 9, 2022

I take it all back. this new verification scheme is flawless pic.twitter.com/2cP1BjtTNw
— Read Jackson Rising by @CooperationJXN (@JoshuaPHilll) November 10, 2022

A customer told me they were never coming back…. pic.twitter.com/sAHON1hZfX
— Richard Mateo (@teo_rixh) November 10, 2022

thinking about when i worked at a vet clinic for like 6 months and developed a mystery illness that was making me vomit every morning like clockwork for weeks and i went to the doctor and she ran a bunch of tests and then told me i just hated my job so much it was making me puke
— cait (@punished_cait) November 9, 2022

no such thing as wasting your 20s your 20s are for recovering from whatever the fuck happened to you as a kid so that youre ready to get weird with it in your 30s
— 444 (@guttergirl444) November 9, 2022

There are probably some things that memory foam would like to forget.
— Jason, Evil (@benedictsred) November 10, 2022

Damn how much daylight they trying to save?! It's dark as fuck.
— November 25th 💛 (@Jameca2011) November 10, 2022

Has anyone explained to Herschel Walker that "run-off" doesn't mean what he did to his kids?
— George Takei (@GeorgeTakei) November 9, 2022

this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully's parents and the bully. the bully's mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid "i'll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child." 😭😭😭
— Jasmine K. (@glacier_heart) November 9, 2022

 
November 10

The fact that this tweet is THREE days old and already needs an update. https://t.co/zZx5v2nBEC
— Titan (@TheTitanBaddie) November 10, 2022

why does fetterman, the largest senator, not simply eat the other 99 pic.twitter.com/Q0RUigVqu2
— alex (@alex_abads) November 10, 2022

Our enemies are ducks? pic.twitter.com/SirWhcwsmQ
— Ron Filipkowski 🇺🇦 (@RonFilipkowski) November 10, 2022

Okay twitter blue has been such a success I need to do a thread. Feel free to add to the 🧵on the great launch of this product pic.twitter.com/cx1bEFp9Yn
— Read Jackson Rising by @CooperationJXN (@JoshuaPHilll) November 10, 2022

what a sentence pic.twitter.com/AHeoseVX63
— ian bremmer (@ianbremmer) November 10, 2022

if i were elon, i would treat twitter like one of my kids and abandon it for the employees to raise
— beth (@bethbourdon) November 10, 2022

Why would you leave twitter now when your chances of being the beneficiary of a class action lawsuit are increasing by the second
— transfer to monadic & logoic planes at clark/lake (@alopex_ii) November 10, 2022

Uh... you did what now? pic.twitter.com/CeFXbS9m34
— Ben Collins (@oneunderscore__) November 11, 2022

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: November 11, 2022

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