Going to all of garden, an old letter by Bin Laden, cooking James Harden, BC has no federal tax for carbon, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

November 10

Every woman I've ever talked to has been a bit embarrassed about who she dated when she was 19, like it was pretty much the lowest of her dating standards, so it's rly funny to see grown men be proud of dating 19 year olds
— michaela okland (@MichaelaOkla) November 11, 2023

Love that Bill Maher and his audience are just in collective denial that they've slid into being Republicans without so much as an ounce of self-awareness. Truly incredible stuff.
— Jared Yates Sexton (@JYSexton) November 11, 2023

I'm sorry, the guy who broke into Nancy Pelosi's house and bashed her husband's head in with a hammer, had WHAT with him at the time? pic.twitter.com/yhl8Fqp29o
— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) November 10, 2023

If you ever question your parenting skills, ask yourself this question: do you have courtroom sketches of yourself and of your children?

If the answer is no, you're doing just fine. Keep up the good work. pic.twitter.com/zQcX1jgncJ
— Resolute Square (@ResoluteSquare) November 11, 2023

My kid loved terminator 1 and 2. He asked me if there were any more and I told him no because I'm a good dad.
— Octopus/Caveman (@OctopusCaveman) November 10, 2023

OMFG I'm dying hahahahaha pic.twitter.com/yBFzVo18nT
— Bobby Fucking Weaver (@im7below) November 10, 2023

imagine you break in and hear "BOO-YACKA-SHA" followed by a punch to the head https://t.co/uELeC6yAy0
— Huey P. Neutron (@TheAlanShane) November 10, 2023

between The Wrestler, The Whale and now this, Aronofsky will finally complete his "movies about sad losers who's daughters refuse to talk to them" trilogy https://t.co/TS15qg1NMZ
— Drew Landry (@MrDrewLandry) November 10, 2023

Tim Robinson https://t.co/kfI6vly5HD
— Lolo (@LolOverruled) November 10, 2023

I don't think anyone has ever said "you have the penis of a 31 year old" as a compliment https://t.co/zDnXvL1j8J
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) November 10, 2023

"A Crew Member Fixes Conan's Eisenhower Mug". One of the stupidest things we ever did and that's saying something. #FlashbackFriday
https://t.co/xrL0xUK4hL via @YouTube
— Brian Stack (@BrianStack153) November 10, 2023

Reminder that Harvard allowed convicted child sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein on campus after he was convicted of child sex trafficking. https://t.co/XXTbGgKqTE
— 🦃 grimm 🦃 (@ExileGrimm) November 11, 2023

The last 3 years of James Harden's career summarized in 2 minutes

COOK HIM. pic.twitter.com/WiH2g0ZLDj
— omo mustard (@yungmustard23) November 11, 2023

You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him
— Robby Slowik (@RobbySlowik) November 10, 2023

I'm so embarrassed for her 😭 https://t.co/pjzlt6LGwd
— Jack E. Smith ⚖️ (@7Veritas4) November 10, 2023

November 11

One underdiscussed thing about Libs of TikTok is that Chaya does not seem to understand what a joke is https://t.co/aVq1pet1KB
— Ari Drennen (@AriDrennen) November 11, 2023

i don't know what just happened pic.twitter.com/b4rZ1ItsXC
— conrad (@bladeeluvr) November 11, 2023

This app is completely dead. I posted a tweet with a typo, and zero men corrected me.
— Ginny Hogan (@ginnyhogan_) November 11, 2023

This is the same guy that posts every other week about how people should have more kids pic.twitter.com/nQCsxN29f7
— Wild Geerters (@steinkobbe) November 11, 2023

real talk, the reason the vibes are so off as of late is that in the pandemic we realized that every single one of our institutions is unsound/untenable and, upon realizing that, we expected them to be fixed -- that didn't happen, so now we're all just waiting for the collapse
— Django Gold (@django) November 11, 2023

Interesting pic.twitter.com/ZC8cUEnmzg
— Jake Shields (@jakeshieldsajj) November 11, 2023

The absolute dumbest guy you know right now wants to explain to you that this is all because of religion
— Jake Flores (@feraljokes) November 11, 2023

The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin's parents bought this house for like $250K. pic.twitter.com/oxSpTWxdZt
— Luke Barnett 👨🏻‍🍼 (@LukeBarnett) November 11, 2023

A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don't believe in God, I don't think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) November 11, 2023

when I say 👀 this is what I mean https://t.co/srYDdh8Kzr
— JP (@jpbrammer) November 11, 2023

I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It's staying in there
— Harrison Weinreb (@harriweinreb) November 11, 2023

Jim Jordan voted against the PACT Act, The Food Security for All Veterans Act, The Veteran Service Recognition Act and The VA Employee Fairness Act. pic.twitter.com/gfmXEPyLZd
— Jo (@JoJoFromJerz) November 11, 2023

Joe Biden walked back and forth at a memorial and that clip will be on a loop all day on Fox. Trump doesn't know who is President and nobody will discuss this on the right. https://t.co/w0nKgluH2o
— Mr. Newberger (@jeremynewberger) November 11, 2023

Trump is so senile he's gone from "Obama was never legitimately President" to "Obama is still President"
— Palmer Report (@PalmerReport) November 12, 2023

November 12

I got really scared watching this because I didn't know he could do that https://t.co/9p2Yidkvx8
— paul (@paulswhtn) November 12, 2023

To be clear: this is NOT partisan fearmongering. Everything Psaki says here is clearly outlined in Trump's Project 2025. There's a website and everything. He's saying it publicly.
Act accordingly. https://t.co/dEci4FL1cg
— Bob Cesca (@bobcesca_go) November 12, 2023

When the Publisher of the New York Times gets arrested, beaten and thrown into solitary confinement by Trump their headline will read:

'Trump Takes Journalism In A Very Different Direction'
— Grant Stern (@grantstern) November 12, 2023

Forbes again with the accurate headlines. https://t.co/peuHNIcO2m
— Mueller, She Wrote (@MuellerSheWrote) November 13, 2023

mind you they opened with a whole ass candlelit vigil when putin attacked ukraine https://t.co/cevqoGst8V
— helen (@helen) November 12, 2023

this whole government is an snl skit bro there is no way they thought this was believable enough to release https://t.co/t6OCWHuqmn
— Hurt CoPain (@SaeedDiCaprio) November 12, 2023

The famously uncontroversial bombing of Dresden, immortalised in Kurt Vonnegut's novel "That Was Good 5" https://t.co/zIpwX8XNBR
— fareed (@it_is_fareed) November 12, 2023

Draymond asked Ant what he was going to do about it.

Well, this: pic.twitter.com/VyMeq7aSM6
— Rob Perez (@WorldWideWob) November 13, 2023

Now we're talking pic.twitter.com/f6B93gGpLa
— Dripped Out Trade Unionists (@UnionDrip) November 12, 2023

November 13

I remember learning that Indeed hides jobs to fuel desperation and Tinder paid QA testers to make fake profiles that would even talk to you and GHOST you sometimes just to keep you on the app and Uber upcharges depending on how low your battery is I CAN'T KEEP LIVING LIKE THIS
— ˗ˏˋ 𝑤𝑟𝑒𝑛 ˊˎ˗ (@wrenneedsrest) November 13, 2023

car battery: i am the weight of 1000 AA batteries. the power of the sun runs through my veins

me: nice you can probably power a tiny lightbulb for one night no problem

car battery: that would fucking destroy me are you mad
— slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) November 13, 2023

CHRISTOPHER NOLAN WHAT NOW? https://t.co/swwoIRcXAb
— mia (@arrivalleneuve) November 13, 2023

bullshit. https://t.co/JNJHF6uoxp
— Hannibal Buress (@hannibalburess) November 13, 2023

One of the best edits I've ever seen. pic.twitter.com/rrgS0atXqT
— Brad Henderson (@BradFHenderson) November 13, 2023

heyyy so don't freak out. but apparently there's two fucking wolves inside of you
— eric curtin (@dubstep4dads) November 13, 2023

RIP cowboy holding a stick of dynamite pic.twitter.com/v3AqPdMboQ
— Jamison Webb (@jamisonwebb) November 13, 2023

you guys we could all do the funniest fucking thing by seeing this movie opening weekend and breaking box office records just to spite WB https://t.co/b51C2Pk1MO
— Stephen Ford (@StephenSeanFord) November 13, 2023

What the fuck, how did nobody tell me this https://t.co/GlHuMh8dX7 pic.twitter.com/BlbkTbIxic
— RETRVNylon Bee (@ACABylonBee) November 13, 2023

this is fucking incredible pic.twitter.com/xWMt8c70YL
— jenny_tightpants🪑 (@halomancer1) November 14, 2023

She deleted it because the translation of the text is literally the days of the week. It's a calendar. pic.twitter.com/SXmroAWM3w
— Hebh Jamal (@hebh_jamal) November 13, 2023

DISGUSTING!! What sort of person walks BAREFOOT down a plane aisle — in first class, no less. Even worse, it was on his way to the toilet! 🤮

RFK Jr is a really strange dude. pic.twitter.com/tQXdYUtGfz
— Jon Cooper (@joncoopertweets) November 13, 2023

I guarantee you can't guess how this video ends 😮pic.twitter.com/Jd4d959C0v
— chris evans (@notcapnamerica) November 14, 2023

November 14

I'm afraid that when I die, people will say "he mostly just sat around worrying that this would happen".
— Alex Baze (@bazecraze) November 15, 2023

I'm nervous that Green Day will turn the CFL totally punk.
— Michael A. Balazo (@mbalazo) November 14, 2023

I am having a terrible day but this Twitter exchange made me laugh like a goon. pic.twitter.com/CDHEd2umDP
— Matthew Essary (@WheelsCritic) November 14, 2023

I learned more about how movies are made and why certain creative choices are made from the LORD OF THE RINGS: EXTENDED EDITION appendixes special features than I did from many years of film classes. The fact these kinds of features are rare now is a cultural loss. https://t.co/K36b2nharY
— Brendan Hodges (@metaplexmovies) November 14, 2023

I genuinely thought this was a funny fake bit until the very last shot and now I can't stop laughing https://t.co/o3XFWN6vqM
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) November 14, 2023

King pic.twitter.com/0rwyGdSRZv
— Nickrob (@Nickrob) November 15, 2023

One of the greatest video titles of all time. pic.twitter.com/4i3p640ohr
— Sorrow Residual 🚌 (@sethposting) November 14, 2023

Nimrata Randhawa wants me to use my real name https://t.co/4vjD7mDERY
— Bennett's Phylactery (@extradeadjcb) November 15, 2023

Remember when Trump was president & he wouldn't actually start working until noon & he wouldn't read briefings & he would watch Fox most of every day & he spent half his time playing golf? You might have forgotten b/c the media hasn't made it a goal to remind you every day.
— David Roberts (@drvolts) November 14, 2023

Normal stuff, normal country! https://t.co/53iUJKNB49
— Ben Collins (@oneunderscore__) November 14, 2023

Lol pic.twitter.com/SaFgr7YRUt
— Acyn (@Acyn) November 14, 2023

Greene: My colleague who is 80 years old just said we're on the verge of a shutdown. She probably just forgot she voted for the CR,we are not on the verge of a shutdown.

DeLauro: What the gentlelady doesn't know is there is another body attached to the Congress called the Senate pic.twitter.com/CU2GRA2NrW
— Acyn (@Acyn) November 15, 2023

Tonight a couple I served said the mashed potatoes were "too mashy," showed her boobs to my manager, her boyfriend ate all the shrimp on his dish and then claimed the dish went out with no shrimp, and then invited the aforementioned manager to a sex party, 10000/10 table no notes
— Clare Blackwood (@clareblackwood) November 15, 2023

sorry but "my wife left me for a vaccinated man" is hilarious pic.twitter.com/LgCklrUHfG
— Wagatwe Wanjuki 🇰🇪 🇧🇸 (@wagatwe) November 14, 2023

Totally normal policy to need to implement https://t.co/IcTg8zheMD
— josie duffy rice (@jduffyrice) November 15, 2023

Media promise to start covering Pierre Poilievre's transphobic comments as soon as they finish 50th story on how Liberals are unpopular https://t.co/3D3gWR9Z6m pic.twitter.com/8YRvgAfeQU
— The Beaverton (@TheBeaverton) November 14, 2023

L to the EO https://t.co/BeOqqG30k2
— jay (@kendallhosseini) November 14, 2023

way too big https://t.co/csaEvC985t
— jos (@josiahhughes) November 14, 2023

taylor swift in 2011: from when your brooklyn broke my skin and bones i'm a soldier who's returning half her weight, and did the twin flame bruise paint you blue? just between us, did the love affair maim you too?

travis kelce in 2011: i just gave a squirle a peice of bread pic.twitter.com/VSqRoG2TcY
— veronica 19/11 (@folklorexcvi) November 15, 2023

i understand taylor swift now. it's every girl's biggest dream to be able to text their dog. and that's sort of the vibe travis kelce is bringing to the table
— bald ann dowd (@ali_sivi) November 15, 2023

Me waiting for a problematic tweet from killatrav to resurface but they are all just like this pic.twitter.com/1Io7usdNx2
— maya 🪩 (@allmychampagne) November 15, 2023

November 15

Travis Kelce's favorite book pic.twitter.com/gy6xADu50d
— Emily Bernstein (@emilybern) November 16, 2023

travis kelce: pic.twitter.com/J2jkWogopa
— Amy A (@lolennui) November 16, 2023

Twitter is BACK https://t.co/9TWArEA3xt
— Katie Notopoulos (@katienotopoulos) November 15, 2023

every Travis Kelce tweet is like dam! dinner tastes awsome when your hurngy! but it makes u so full
— the turkey keeps the gravy (@limitlessjest) November 16, 2023

S/o Travis Kelce man, most times we go through an athlete's old tweets it's mad racist or homophobic in there, but he was really just chilling 😭
— Oluwajomiloju (@JomiAdeniran) November 15, 2023

when my bf won't let me bite him as hard as i can for no reason

pic.twitter.com/UiGoknkhpm
— Invis🧜‍♀️ (@invis4yo) November 15, 2023

TOP 5 WORST FILM WORKOUTS:

5. Lats Tango in Paris
4. A Farewell to Chest/Arms/Legs
3. Intervals With the Vampire
2. Abs of Malice
1. Pilates of the Caribbean
— Dave Merritt (@GoldenSeals) November 16, 2023

*walks on stage with football helmet* "Just wearing this in case Will Smith arrives"

"We all saw Oppenheimer, only film with a bigger bomb than Indiana Jones"

"Leo gave a great performance this year, kissed a girl over 21 and everything" https://t.co/W5laJJ0VQz
— Austinheimer (@awoodustin) November 16, 2023

The cat who sang the blues, a duet between this guitarist and his cat

📹Badu The Singing Catpic.twitter.com/gB349FimPJ
— Science girl (@gunsnrosesgirl3) November 15, 2023

my cats trying to open my cabinets: pic.twitter.com/Z8XVtCEohS
— Molly Morrison (@mollyhannahm) November 15, 2023

The Black Eyed Peas in 2003: https://t.co/U30e7huNBK
— Bradley Stern (@MuuMuse) November 16, 2023

Me on LinkedIn vs me on Twitter pic.twitter.com/YsedDjhWYH
— Daman Rangoola (@damanr) November 15, 2023

Draymond Green got suspended a total of 6 games for knocking out Jordan Poole, choking Rudy Gobert and stomping on Sabonis chest. Bro the first black man with white privilege
— The Hood Therapist (@OhhMar24) November 16, 2023

Biden kicking off WW3 by banging Xi Jinping's wife pic.twitter.com/zHKJ9Sovaw
— Armand Domalewski (@ArmandDoma) November 16, 2023

Doctors have high hopes that Ron DeSantis will smile normally one day pic.twitter.com/RMlKX7zn7N
— The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) November 15, 2023

Did not realize that the Senate hearing throwdown was over this tweet mocking Mullin for standing on a platform to feel taller during a debate 😂 https://t.co/ZjjQDx8DNC
— Tim Miller (@Timodc) November 15, 2023

White supremacy is when Sen. Mullin can comfortably post threats brandishing guns, but Rep. Tlaib is censured for demanding a ceasefire. https://t.co/ZaKQSeUQZn
— Rev. Dr. Jacqui Lewis (@RevJacquiLewis) November 15, 2023

Markwayne Mullin inherited his daddy's plumbing company just like Marjorie Taylor Greene inherited her daddy's construction company just like Donald Trump inherited every fucking dollar he squandered over the last 50 years. Do you see a pattern yet, America?
— Liam Nissan™ (@theliamnissan) November 15, 2023

If you watch anything today, make it this! AMAZING! pic.twitter.com/VGAzqEZV4K
— Blue Resisters In Red States (@ResistanceInRed) November 15, 2023

Shouldn't they be… you know… arresting you? https://t.co/GVWDEtLUay
— TDot Resident (@TDotResident) November 15, 2023

REMINDER: BC has no federal carbon tax.

The level of stupid is beyond comprehension. https://t.co/RqPNU31dN0
— David Brown (@OrbitStudios) November 15, 2023

We have literally elected the Comments Section of YouTube to the most powerful offices in the world and we regularly subject serious people who spend their days trying to keep everyone safe to answering their idiotic questions. https://t.co/ZbS9zrX49B
— Brian Klaas (@brianklaas) November 15, 2023

unfollowing him now, i just thought he did 9/11, didn't know he was a Guardian columnist https://t.co/T9fhXQYqZc
— in the pocket of Big Tenant (@AllezLesBoulez) November 16, 2023

Trump has said roughly 7 times in the last few months that Barack Obama is the current president of the United States. He's also suggested that Jeb Bush got us involved in the Middle East and that WW2 hasn't happened yet. https://t.co/JRpEh9wToc
— Brian Tyler Cohen (@briantylercohen) November 16, 2023

November 16

O'Brien: First, he said we're consenting adults, which was bizarre. Sounds like he wanted to date me. Then he asked to fight me. I'm hearing now he wanted the bite me. Make up your mind, you wanna date me, fight me, bite me… pic.twitter.com/6w8ruCPBN6
— Acyn (@Acyn) November 16, 2023

This held up. https://t.co/c3fUVZ2JC7
— Ben Collins (@oneunderscore__) November 16, 2023

pic.twitter.com/8CwZNqgSrA
— New York Times Pitchbot (@DougJBalloon) November 16, 2023

Report: Taylor Swift's Parents Dating Travis Kelce's Parents https://t.co/ceqPmk2dvf
— The Onion (@TheOnion) November 16, 2023

Jar jar binks after I eat the last canoli https://t.co/DGd7nArv3m
— m-at-thew (@TweetPotato314) November 16, 2023

Bin Laden after finishing his Letter to America pic.twitter.com/XpbURkXpqw
— Senator Milton Young (@SenMiltonYoung) November 16, 2023

After Bin Laden was killed, a teacher told us they buried his remains at sea and another kid just nodded and said "Like Megatron"
— Ben Crew (@BenjaminCrew1) November 16, 2023

Comically bad propaganda from the IDF here, chucking around clearly empty cardboard boxes with "medical supplies" written in huge letters in English on them.

(This is taken from an official IDF video). pic.twitter.com/hNKrjpuOOe
— Alan MacLeod (@AlanRMacLeod) November 16, 2023

One of the first things you learn doing props in film school is to put weights in boxes so it doesn't look like this when you move them lmao https://t.co/f8MRqz9e7W
— Christi Olson (@christiolson) November 16, 2023

oh so now it's illegal to serve?? https://t.co/Sae7Hzavz8
— Vinny Thomas (@vinn_ayy) November 16, 2023

Retiring to spend more time with his crimes. https://t.co/ZQq8YUnTpw
— Matthew Gertz (@MattGertz) November 16, 2023

Scorsese going to his daughter's room to make a Tik Tok https://t.co/NNDfhPeZVU pic.twitter.com/n6ZkWx49dc
— Tom Reagan's Hat (@RufusTSuperfly) November 16, 2023

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: November 17, 2023

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