My wife left me, a ticket for wearing a bikini, thank u for the money, WKRP, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

November 18

i'll be home for quismoiss pic.twitter.com/VaZY36itJG
— AARON (@lidolmix) November 19, 2022

People are so entitled. Why is it MY responsibility to take YOU to Funkytown.
— Dan Pearce (mutuals DM me for Discord) (@GameDesignDan) November 19, 2022

On behalf of doctors and nurses everywhere - DONT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT! https://t.co/1m1hmvhR9b
— Dr Vancbromycin 🇺🇸🇺🇦 (@Vancbromycin) November 19, 2022

lmao cmon pic.twitter.com/EHOKyffnx2
— jay gordon 🦍 (@jaydestro) November 18, 2022

I would pay $1000 to watch Ben Shapiro weld https://t.co/75xQXtsjEL
— isi baehr-breen (its pronounced 'izzy') (@isaiah_bb) November 18, 2022

One of the tweet genres I'm gonna miss most is "trying to sound like Dr. Manhattan and ending up sounding like AJ Soprano"https://t.co/Oi2EqQ3nn0
— Zack Budryk (@BudrykZack) November 19, 2022

Brazilian prisoner spent 5 years digging a tunnel that ended up in the guard room. pic.twitter.com/qvukt8r4oq
— jim rose circus (@jimrosecircus1) November 18, 2022

i'm telling my fiancé "the cat says you never pet him. he's so sad he's crying" and my fiancé is getting mad and yelling across the house "that is NOT true! i pet him all the time!"
— cait (@punished_cait) November 19, 2022

This that shit they had SpongeBob delivering pizza in https://t.co/YsyRwcNWFb
— K A R R I N G T O N 🪐⭐️ (@K_Dawwwgg) November 18, 2022

turkey tastes like it never drank water while alive
— BILL NYE THO (parody) (@Bill_Nye_Tho) November 18, 2022

pic.twitter.com/9zlPLkmzjB
— the parody reddit (@GoodReddit) November 18, 2022

Do I want Twitter to reinstate the man who called my wife ugly? Hell YES I do! pic.twitter.com/cUmBo7grkS
— Jason Selvig (@jasonselvig) November 19, 2022

Literally everyone is posting replies like this pic.twitter.com/mmDMBbLtL6
— Kate Willett- TRIAD THEATER NOV 10 (@katewillett) November 18, 2022

November 19

The posts that are like "instead of fixing Twitter we should rebuild irl communities" are so funny. Like I'm going to walk into a community hall and say something like "need me a caked-up shawty with autism" and immediately walk out
— LxDx (@wokestbloke) November 20, 2022

I was fired from Twitter this morning because during a code review, I had a procedure called "upDo.g" and when Elon asked me "what's upDo.g?" I said "nothing much, what's up with you." He walked away and then my badge stopped working & security escorted me out of the building.
— 🏴‍☠️ Maddox 🏴‍☠️ (@maddoxrules) November 19, 2022

the bots have spoken pic.twitter.com/bEK40fKXEB
— ian bremmer (@ianbremmer) November 20, 2022

Power move pic.twitter.com/ZehRAoKn7s
— Fuck You I Quit (@fuckyouiquit) November 19, 2022

they don't have a single war where they need to be doing this https://t.co/RXoIkO2WzG
— Hurt CoPain (@SaeedDiCaprio) November 19, 2022

sir a second me just started telling u about 9/11 pic.twitter.com/Ugp760PLhP
— Jack Bensinger (@JackBensinger) November 19, 2022

I've never seen anyone talk about these Onion movie reviews but man do they kill me. pic.twitter.com/7fbIqzU2F0
— Shawn Jovi (@Simms2673) November 19, 2022

Disney's new movie 'Strange World' features their first-ever openly gay teenage character played by someone who impersonated the FBI pic.twitter.com/nY7P3HSPCe
— elise | laszlo's pr manager (@bisexualcrises) November 19, 2022

I think the ultimate American experience is growing up in a place without chick fil a, hearing constantly about how their politics are evil "but their food is so good" and then eating it and the food isnt very good at all.
— Alex 𓄄 Degen 𓄂(real crime guy 2023) (@atothe_d) November 19, 2022

b4 moving into my appt i asked my landlord "is the water running like do the toilet & shower work?", he says (in his heavy quebecois accent) "yes. there is a funny toilet seat", me: "what do u mean by..funny?", landlord: "no you have to see. i know you will like it"

this was it pic.twitter.com/9GZD3WFcmA
— the transsexual walter benjamin (@dmt4dmt) November 19, 2022

I wish i could sing into penises like they were microphones and the sound of my voice would come out of the balls
— Tam Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) November 19, 2022

I love how music can take you to another place. This pub is playing Ed Sheeran, so I'm going to another pub.
— No Context Brits (@NoContextBrits) November 19, 2022

Anxiety isn't real You literallg did something terrible and we're all talking about it
— April Clark (@autogynefiles) November 20, 2022

🎶It's the most wonderful time of the yearrrr🎶 pic.twitter.com/tiBLmrz04x
— row well and live (@thinkingbayonet) November 19, 2022

 
November 20

When i'm at a friend's house i say "can you show me where you keep all the cards i've given you"
— Will niedmann (@willniedmann) November 21, 2022

what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you're like glad i missed out on that shit
— bobby payne (@hoopgoth) November 20, 2022

"I'm hungover"
- Lame
- Big deal
- Get off the couch

"The gods have punished me for my indulgences"
- Oh damn
- That sounds serious
- Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
— jon drake (@DrakeGatsby) November 20, 2022

A police officer issuing a woman a ticket for wearing a bikini on an Italian beach, 1957. At the time the bikini was banned from beaches and public places on the French Atlantic coastline, Spain, Italy and Portugal. pic.twitter.com/s6l5pZ3ksb
— Historic Vids (@historyinmemes) November 20, 2022

pretty insane that people say "can we please not politicize this tragedy" about a tragedy that happened because of politics
— matt (@mattxiv) November 20, 2022

https://t.co/fQlZz48R7R pic.twitter.com/YqJupmr0pU
— David Mack (@davidmackau) November 20, 2022

Old twitter villains appearing out of a portal like spiderman no way home https://t.co/4EdZnOCrsF
— Hungu (@hungu1995) November 20, 2022

Bob Iger just sent a company wide email telling all employees to print out their ten best pages of scripts and bring them to the 15th floor of Disney HQ by 1am for review
— Jacob Rubashkin (@JacobRubashkin) November 21, 2022

thank u for the money @elonmusk pic.twitter.com/RMsLiFOThr
— Hurt CoPain (@SaeedDiCaprio) November 20, 2022

Did you see this, @elonmusk? pic.twitter.com/nG2HrBuEA9
— George Hahn (@georgehahn) November 20, 2022

November 21

Trump's Twitter being reinstated — after its hapless, unintentional acquisition by a billionaire now desperate for revenue — only for Trump to refuse is in retrospect the funniest way this could've played out
— Ken Klippenstein (@kenklippenstein) November 21, 2022

"I was born in 1994"

- boring
- heard it before
- tells you nothing

"I was born in the year of Cotton Eye Joe"

- arouses curiosity
- who was Cotton Eye Joe
- where did he come from?
- where did he go?
- Cotton Eye Joe
— snart (@rulesobeyer) November 21, 2022

Cats are so good. There's just a little guy in my house! We hug! We don't speak the same language! We're best friends! He bites me! I make up little songs about him! He doesn't know my name! We fall asleep next to each other!
— Arkady (@ArkadyKoshka) November 21, 2022

i wish i could quit my job so i can focus on my true passion which is sleeping
— IG: closedapp (@ih8rts) November 21, 2022

But I don't want to give up on this website pic.twitter.com/Lu7QTJXrFP
— 𝚂𝚑𝚘𝚌𝚔 𝙹𝚊𝚌𝚚𝚞𝚎𝚜 𝙳𝚎𝚖𝚢 (@EmmaTolkin) November 21, 2022

bro did you seriously just shiver my timbers
— eli the average guy (@jazz_inmypants) November 21, 2022

someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying "hey grandpa, it's your grandson, i'm stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000" and my grandpa was just like "…robert would never be in europe"
— Robert Schultz (@_RobertSchultz) November 22, 2022

trent "nine inch nails" reznor pic.twitter.com/d0ZgPNWtVb
— Cody Johnston (@drmistercody) November 22, 2022

Elon Musk could never write 'March of the Pigs' but Trent Reznor could produce a car that sucks and blows up
— Jesse (𝕲𝖔𝖇𝖇𝖑𝖎𝖓' 𝖒𝖔𝖉𝖊) 🦃 (@RequiemArm) November 21, 2022

Kellogg's CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go 'coocoo for cocoa puffs' or take severance
— Young Parik (@YoungParikPatel) November 21, 2022

PatriotLord54: id like it if mickey mouse was more physically aggressive toward goofy
Bob Iger: working on that now
— Ed Zitron (@edzitron) November 21, 2022

 
November 22

the trial period for this software has ended. the tribulation period will now begin
— furby hancock (@furby_hancock) November 23, 2022

When I was 8 I listened to hip hop for the first time and called my grandfather a sucka mc and he smashed my Xbox
— h b 🇧🇷🇫🇷🇳🇱🇪🇸🇵🇹 (@h3xenbrenner2) November 22, 2022

Kids be like I'm sick I need to stay home from school but still have the energy of a bunny on cocaine.
— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) November 22, 2022

Am i going crazy why isn't she wearing pants https://t.co/LW1A9cQQSB
— dj fuck (@eggshellfriend) November 22, 2022

My male version of Hooters is called Penises. All of the servers have huge penises and we serve fried penises. The atmosphere is tense.
— Andrés du Bouchet (@amdubouchet) November 23, 2022

12:32pm: Follow me on Blempus. This looks like it's going to be the one folks. We're going to Blempus
12:34pm: It appears that Blempus uses your phone app to dial 911 if you attempt to upload a profile photo
— drewtoothpaste (@drewtoothpaste) November 22, 2022

babe are you okay? you've barely touched your five social media platforms you panic joined this week
— ilana kaplan (@lanikaps) November 22, 2022

My dear friend, Fortunato, there is a delicious new Twitter alternative in the basement, if you will just follow me
— Caoimhe Montgomery (@EmpressOfKashyr) November 22, 2022

The Menu (2022) pic.twitter.com/gIcTxHDsSc
— On Cinema at the Cinema (@OCATCOfficial) November 22, 2022

a weird thing abt the current era of film marketing is that I can never remember if movies actually came out. did the barbie movie happen? what abt space jam 2? have they released that timothee chalamet willy wonka thing ppl were making fun of last year? nobody knows
— america's lounge singer (@KrangTNelson) November 22, 2022

I literally panicked... my soul almost left my body 😭😭 pic.twitter.com/QmwAD2Ijlr
— 𝟲𝗶𝘅𓅓 (@six_papi) November 22, 2022

move over hemingway pic.twitter.com/1QbMorjwuv
— killian (@ficklefamiliar) November 22, 2022

Heading into my third trimester as an Artist...😊 pic.twitter.com/9faZQpcRFu
— Kirk R Thatcher - Monsters, Muppets, Tiki 🧟🐸🍹😂 (@KirkThatcher) November 22, 2022

At the bookstore and the hot cashier asked me if I wanted a bag

I said "yes am I a bad person"

He said "kind of"

I said "don't worry I'll use it to strangle a swan"

He said "cant hear you"

I said "I'm going to kill a swan."

Another successful flirting interaction
— Mug McCup (@megmackaycomedy) November 23, 2022

Pre-Thanksgiving reminder that the kids' table is actually the best. No one at the adult table has ever asked how fast I can run or what the best lizard is
— jordan (@jordan_stratton) November 22, 2022

 
November 23

It should be illegal for boyfriends to be asleep when you want to chit chat
— dj fuck (@eggshellfriend) November 24, 2022

My girlfriend's dad is PUMPED pic.twitter.com/OWJKyLMRK2
— gianmarco (@GianmarcoSoresi) November 23, 2022

My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, "She's not meant to be good. She's meant to look beautiful."
— Ali (@eIfcup) November 23, 2022

This @dril interview belongs in the MOMA https://t.co/Ndgzw9iJ02 pic.twitter.com/EaE6FEYlkD
— Tyler Smith (@heytysm) November 23, 2022

Comedy is legal on twitter! pic.twitter.com/m6hFJcNBYn
— witch king of a three block radius in avondale (@samalcarez) November 24, 2022

marvel discourse is like if every restaurant got turned into a McDonalds and people got mad at anyone who noticed
— nite mother 🌓 (@instain_mother) November 23, 2022

Tim Pool doesn't know what a restaurant reservation is 😂 pic.twitter.com/HQrbzUpLkj
— Right Wing Cope (@RightWingCope) November 23, 2022

Sorry I didn't make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) November 23, 2022

45 years ago, dozens of turkeys met their unfortunate demise in a Cincinnati parking lot.

pic.twitter.com/9VM7SjY8m6
— Danny Deraney (@DannyDeraney) November 23, 2022

My favorite Thanksgiving discourse is when a woman tweets, "Teach your sons to help in the kitchen on Thanksgiving!" and a bunch of dudes reply, "Do you change your own oil in your car?"

Let's see. We eat 3 times a day, and need an oil change every 5,000 to 7,500 miles 🤷‍♀️
— Shaindel Beers 🍻 (@shaindelr) November 23, 2022

[thanksgiving]

ME: so basically Pete Davidson having a big dick is just PR and women going through a divorce who need a branding change have been "dating" him to rehab their image. See: Kim Kardashian, EmRata, etc

MY GRANDPA: i was in a war
— SPOOKY 1984's George Whorewell (@EwdatsGROSS) November 23, 2022

Happy Thanksgiving Eve! pic.twitter.com/6at4sSVCCR
— US Consumer Product Safety Commission (@USCPSC) November 23, 2022

November 24

Celebrate your annual THE LAST WALTZ watch by honoring the greatest clap back of all time pic.twitter.com/r7E2DdTa0V
— Andrew Woods 🥈 (@JimJarmuschHair) November 24, 2022

(Gordon ramsay chewing out a restaurant owner over his old expired ingredients) And where the fuck does this door lead? If I see a- (inside is a vast chamber. The cavern ceiling is collapsed, a stream of water drips down as moonlight illuminates an ancient tree) oh for fucks sake
— lizardmancer (@lizardmancer) November 24, 2022

i swear to god. if one of you doesn't go get fishtopher…https://t.co/fpr71yOUL2 pic.twitter.com/k6lLRoquCg
— Molly Clarke (@mollyaclarke) November 24, 2022

Everything my cousins know about me is based on info from when I was like 8. "So are you still super into Thomas the Tank Engine?" Bro I'm a full ass adult. I have a job, I pay bills. Are you serious? But yeah I still am pretty into Thomas.
— Ron Iver (@ronnui_) November 24, 2022

"Please send all the child porn here, thank you" - Elon Musk, the smartest man alive pic.twitter.com/dXEG6rNCbg
— Scott Nover (@ScottNover) November 24, 2022

absolutely not pic.twitter.com/dsHUSgmVQp
— slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) November 25, 2022

Whoa! pic.twitter.com/IXgJAeiJE1
— Michael A. Balazo (@mbalazo) November 24, 2022

it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube pic.twitter.com/0XodcSpenb
— soul nate (@MNateShyamalan) November 24, 2022

Happy Thanksgiving America (left) from your good friend Canada (right). pic.twitter.com/8krBddynYD
— Jonathan Torrens (@TorrensJonathan) November 24, 2022

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: November 25, 2022

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