October used to be cold, when Steph Tolev takes hold, never get old, $10 worth of Twitter ads sold, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

October 6

I get it but like also…who is olivia wilde to say shit. I dont remember harry styles restoring the ozone when they were dating. https://t.co/cfVv6DuYyu
— jennifer (@trashurchin) October 6, 2023

remember last year when tom segura was yelling that everyone on Twitter was too sensitive. now he's crying over a checked bag pic.twitter.com/u2ucQPaP1c
— Alice Hamilton (@AliceRHamilton) October 6, 2023

Ontario's Premier pictured today starring in the Ontario government's new sitcom: Doug Visits Stuff pic.twitter.com/BOtfJJwsiF
— Barney Panofsky's Best Intentions (@mynamesnotgordy) October 6, 2023

So Lake wore a secret mic to record an airport conversation w her opponent, in which she relentlessly and awkwardly attacks him to get clickable content and he looks thoughtful and rational.

Great idea! https://t.co/zNUMSWSZ7P
— Chris Murphy 🟧 (@ChrisMurphyCT) October 6, 2023

She's basically just quoting her colleagues around the desk.

But she's damn good at what she does. https://t.co/FSA3chOzwO
— Mehdi Hasan (@mehdirhasan) October 7, 2023

Left: After 330,000 jobs are added under Biden
Right: After 178,000 jobs are added under Trump pic.twitter.com/RETnka8vWU
— Jeremy Slevin (@jeremyslevin) October 6, 2023

"God is pro-life" except that time in the Bible where he killed 42 children for calling someone bald. pic.twitter.com/sZ36zz4ipx
— The Good Liars (@TheGoodLiars) October 6, 2023

Since taking the vaccine, Travis Kelce has won the Super Bowl, been an all pro twice, and is currently dating the most famous woman on the planet

Since refusing to take the vaccine Rodgers started doing drugs in dark holes, got really into podcasts and tore his Achilles https://t.co/c9eU8K7T8R
— Evan Sowards (@EvanSowards) October 6, 2023

Imagine if they removed red lights from all intersections and said it was now people's "personal choice" whether to stop at one or not, and if ppl were so worried, they could simply practice "one-way stopping" or stay home.

Sounds ludicrous, right?

That's how it feels w/ COVID.
— Jenn Lerner (@JenniferLerner1) October 6, 2023

"Choosing" doing a lot of heavy lifting here pic.twitter.com/76JQ7QPnlJ
— Fuck You I Quit (@fuckyouiquit) October 6, 2023

Oh my god. When Linda Yaccarino said that Visa was a "returning advertiser" she meant the company spent $10 on Twitter ads in the last 12 weeks.

Not ten million. Not ten thousand.

Ten dollars. pic.twitter.com/FrqTctoA27
— Ben Collins (@oneunderscore__) October 6, 2023

making a billion dollar website worse everytime u get mad at ur baby momma is crazyy
— first-mate prance (@bocxtop) October 6, 2023

elon musk didn't want you to see this image pic.twitter.com/WIMxYUvhoy
— Punishedylon Bee (@ACABylonBee) October 6, 2023

If Elon wasn't actually a pedophile he would be secure enough not to suspend users who accuse him of such... there's no smoke without fire
— Punishedylon Bee (@ACABylonBee) October 6, 2023

Instead of suspending Juniper, Elon Musk should have engaged with the accusations that he is a pedophile. After all, he believes that more speech is the answer to hate speech.

I suggest a Twitter Space with Juniper to debate whether he's a pedophile.
— Elad Nehorai (@EladNehorai) October 6, 2023

Pedophile says what? pic.twitter.com/XxWzQyzvqO
— JustinTBrown (@JuuustinBrown) October 7, 2023

lol Musk banning Juniper for calling him a pedo after he literally had a law suit saying its free speech to call people pedos without proof, reality rules
— boo-grimm 👻 (@ExileGrimm) October 6, 2023

David S. Pumpkins happened a week before the 2016 election. The last piece of normalcy we had as a society was David S. Pumpkins.
— Sean O'Connor (@seanoconnz) October 7, 2023

If it eventually comes out that Donald Trump did all of this just so some grainy VHS videotape of some Ukrainian prostitute peeing on his face didn't come out, I mean holy shit
— Liam Nissan™ (@theliamnissan) October 6, 2023

Trump: We have the worst education almost in the large world, the world that people know about pic.twitter.com/oHtdIsBWsU
— Biden-Harris HQ (@BidenHQ) October 6, 2023

I have had ENOUGH of everybody w a white mama this week https://t.co/MoA7260xYf
— High Lady (@PinkYetiCup) October 7, 2023

So Drake has dissed Meg Thee Stallion, Rihanna, and Esperanza Spalding on his last two projects for ZERO REASONS.

But still running from Pusha T…
— Randi White (@RandiWhite) October 7, 2023

October 7

Martin Scorcese's parents names are blue on Wikipedia but it's cuz they've been in his films… world's first nepo parents
— Matilda ♋︎ (@matildae22) October 7, 2023

My dad said the Bigfoot sightings website he used to like has gone totally commercial "of course"
— em!! (@realemilyattack) October 8, 2023

the timeless George Carlin: "Smug, greedy, well-fed white people have invented a language to conceal their sins. Israeli murderers are called commandos. Arab commandos are called terrorists." pic.twitter.com/M2RkiKluth
— ☀️👀 (@zei_squirrel) October 7, 2023

i am sure that the 🇺🇦 crowd will remain ideologically consistent & voice unalloyed support for palestinian self-determination. of this i am certain
— COSMIC SLOP (@afrocosmist) October 7, 2023

So…it turns out that many people's support for Ukraine isn't based on a belief in the universal right to resist occupation and annexation.
— Daniel Denvir (@DanielDenvir) October 7, 2023

October 8

Unfortunately this is very funny pic.twitter.com/dUuC3VwAKv
— Haunted Hannah 👻 (@HannahPosted) October 9, 2023

I'M BACK BITCHES pic.twitter.com/ZThTIQqpMM
— Mt. St. Helens (@MtStHelensWA) October 9, 2023

I miss these ladies, the vaccine-shaker ladies. Hard bit to keep up. A memento from a better time https://t.co/sXxOpNygbd
— timothy 💀 faust (@crulge) October 8, 2023

If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say "fettucine afraido" and "garlic dread" and "boocatini". I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
— Mark Primiano (@Doctor1Hundred) October 8, 2023

thanos if quentin tarantino directed infinity war https://t.co/L8yXrHekQN
— lula (@gendermarxism) October 8, 2023

Just staring at this tweet in disbelief pic.twitter.com/odY3B3HJdN
— Parker Molloy (@ParkerMolloy) October 9, 2023

instant hall of fame NBA tweet https://t.co/0sp3prOGIY
— the ben haunts the flores (@limitlessjest) October 8, 2023

Would State Farm insurance be more affordable if they didn't include every player in the NFL in their commercials?
— Andy Kindler (@AndyKindler) October 8, 2023

The gap in my resume? That's because I'm not proficient in Microsoft Word.
— Sridhar Ramesh (@RadishHarmers) October 8, 2023

I followed this story, this like changed his life, he spent 10 mo in jail,the judge/classmate was at his release along with his family and now he is a a manager at a pharmaceutical company https://t.co/ZO8aqGEKSH
— Avery (@ItsAvery) October 8, 2023

All seagulls are boys. A girl wouldn't do that
— lily zella jackson (@lilyzella) October 8, 2023

Ban public phone conversations.
— Dave Hill (@mrdavehill) October 8, 2023

Macaulay Culkin going to a cafe in Paris where the wifi password was "Macaulay Culkin" and a frenchman came out to say "I knew you would be here someday" pic.twitter.com/bNhMzhctic
— worms cited (@christapeterso) October 9, 2023

it's ok to not have an opinion on very important things that are happening on this earth ❤️ yes, your tax dollars go to the extermination of a group of people with no rights, but what matters most is that YOU feel ok being ignorant. make sure to drink some water ✊🏻
— sarah hagi (@KindaHagi) October 8, 2023

Because Nazis are bad. https://t.co/79eKF7j6hM
— Eyes on the Right (@EyesOnTheRight) October 8, 2023

If the holocaust was happening today Americans would be on the side of the Germans and there would be a swastika emoji and it would be in all their Twitter names and shit
— FREE PALESTINE FROM BATMAN (@feraljokes) October 9, 2023

Bro that turkey is burnt. https://t.co/zknkc9U3eG
— Kris Pangilinan (@KrisReports) October 8, 2023

October 9

Happy Indigenous Peoples' Day! pic.twitter.com/Sqvm5fGVpr
— Gritty is the Way (@Gritty20202) October 9, 2023

(two women who hate each other at work)
1: any chance we can get some context for this upcoming meeting? thanks!

2: here's a screenshot of the meeting invite where i had already added an agenda. thanks!!!!
— rob (@OkButStill) October 9, 2023

my favorite part of this is that the first woman didn't even offer to be with him she just exists pic.twitter.com/iaUbem3MQ5
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) October 9, 2023

I had to make sure. pic.twitter.com/m6D5357s1B
— Sean. (@Melanism) October 9, 2023

ah yes the star of Get Out pic.twitter.com/PmdqzuIvI2
— Kilmartin: Cincy, Austin, Ft Collins (@anylaurie16) October 9, 2023

This really makes it sound like they were waiting for her to have Covid to let her back in the building https://t.co/qYh8WsXCRr
— Emily Heller (@MrEmilyHeller) October 9, 2023

WHO: "Airborne Doesn't Actually Mean Airborne, It Means Something Else That Doesn't Mean Airborne." pic.twitter.com/IxLPA5B7eu
— The Vertlartnic (@TheVertlartnic) October 9, 2023

What happens when a heckler can't handle the heat #moveon pic.twitter.com/B1XzceApv8
— Step Toilet (@StephTolev) October 9, 2023

could i get th e opposite of this please pic.twitter.com/6wg3dh7I6b
— wint (@dril) October 10, 2023

just obsessed w how trump has 91 felony charges which amount to a combined 712.5 years in prison and biden has a brother on grindr https://t.co/oaHi27XJJg
— matt (@mattxiv) October 9, 2023

RFK Jr's campaign is off to a great start

*cue Curb music* pic.twitter.com/JMyKF3pvNA
— Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) October 9, 2023

nothing unites liberals & conservatives more than repeatedly bombing an open-air prison where 40% of the population is under 15
— COSMIC SLOP (@afrocosmist) October 9, 2023

The Iraqi guy i follow on IG who does funny nature videos in broken English just posted a more compassionate and well written statement then like 90% of activists and journalists I've seen. pic.twitter.com/z9S4GmW30C
— Danny Gold (@DGisSERIOUS) October 9, 2023

October 10

WRONG https://t.co/nzK2MjY9d2 pic.twitter.com/TD3650xcFT
— rebecca🫗 (@ithrewtheglass) October 10, 2023

What stands out most here is the delusion that anyone is calling it X. pic.twitter.com/PCySro0boP
— Noah Garfinkel (@NoahGarfinkel) October 11, 2023

She didn't even have a friend or coworker or family member or passerby or open Wikipedia tab available to tell her that in Hawthorne's book the A stands for ADULTERER? https://t.co/RfWCm4B9yI
— Seth Abramson (@SethAbramson) October 10, 2023

So she's….an adulterer?

I'm begging people to like…read the books they base their stunts on https://t.co/wOV00BeBF8
— celia (@_celia_bedelia_) October 10, 2023

I only just realized in "SexyBack" (2006) by Justin Timberlake, when Timbaland shouts "take it to the bridge!" they actually take it to the prechorus. I'm gonna be sick
— Robert Komaniecki (@Komaniecki_R) October 10, 2023

As a millennial, I have about 1-2 more "unprecedented times" in me before I move into a pineapple under the sea
— Keeks 🦋 (@DietCoke_Esq) October 10, 2023

There's a 99% chance it's a superbowl commerical https://t.co/fpBl94xl1e
— Jason Pargin, author of John Dies at the End, etc (@JasonKPargin) October 10, 2023

Thank you @SachaBaronCohen (and #Borat) for feeding @sagaftra members on strike today at WB! Generous with both the food and the laughs (zoom in on the menu)!#SagAftraStrong pic.twitter.com/N3O4VaEOvR
— Paul Provenza (@PaulProvenza) October 10, 2023

"Bury me loose" was one of the funniest things I seen on here https://t.co/miknkpbiiY
— gigi (@le_debut) October 11, 2023

'New York Times' Issues Apology For Reporting Palestinian Deaths https://t.co/ejIJW2TcHi
— The Onion (@TheOnion) October 10, 2023

The same reason black people loot but white people find https://t.co/HagpNeQcn9
— سماح (@samah_fadil) October 10, 2023

these tweets are 1 day apart 😭 pic.twitter.com/nviPbYRuBD
— Hurt CoPain (@SaeedDiCaprio) October 10, 2023

NHL fan singing national anthem, honouring soldier with standing ovation thinks Pride Nights are too political https://t.co/gUoFcLqE5l
— The Beaverton (@TheBeaverton) October 10, 2023

hello mr 85 year old government doctor. would you like to come on my podcast to get yelled at by a guy who did so much peyote that he forgot how to play football and the kennedy grandchild who's mom won "drunkest pregnant lady" at the harwichport regatta? this would be unpaid btw https://t.co/s9FQJyhAOA
— america's lounge singer (@KrangTNelson) October 10, 2023

wow and they blurred his face to hide his identity, that was nice of them https://t.co/p25ssGZ4l0
— Vinny Thomas (@vinn_ayy) October 10, 2023

Get this: republicans can't expel an indicted felon because they ousted their Speaker, and no one has enough votes to win except maybe the guy who failed to report sexual assault that was endorsed by a different rapist with 91 felony counts.
— Mueller, She Wrote 🇺🇦 🇮🇱 (@MuellerSheWrote) October 11, 2023

Why is it so hard to believe Donald would provide damaging secret intel to a bad foreign actor?

He showed maps of North Korea to Kid Rock. https://t.co/ksO1kmVBvP
— Mary L Trump (@MaryLTrump) October 10, 2023

Because we're not a member, Brian. This is a grouping of countries with nuclear weapons. We don't have any. https://t.co/Uif6tNaY2i
— Max Fawcett 🇨🇦 (@maxfawcett) October 10, 2023

are there a lot of wars where one side can turn off their enemy's water and electricity and close their borders?
— ashley ray (@theashleyray) October 11, 2023

October 11

Not to get too political but it would be kinda cool if things could stop getting worse in literally every way.
— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) October 11, 2023

Lmao my God pic.twitter.com/YzWnjhCTsO
— Cohlchez La Ghost (@RuckCohlchez) October 12, 2023

women imagining the worst man: he's a serial rapist/murderer

redpill Twitter men imagining the worst woman: she's a 35 year old scientist
— Cartoons Hate Her! (@CartoonsHateHer) October 11, 2023

Amtrak guy scanned my ticket and I said "how are you" and his response was "only 23 years until retirement"
— rachel (@rachelmillman) October 11, 2023

this is like the treaty of versailles for stan twitter https://t.co/3iAtkt09fi
— yasmin (@ycsm1n) October 12, 2023

like a month ago i referred to one of the 2yo's books as "the one where elsa and anna meet a baby moose" and she died laughing and was like no it's a baby reindeer and now literally every day she goes "remember you made a mistake and said baby moose" like can i live
— Mary Ellen (@alissacaliente) October 11, 2023

Like how can you even say "2%" and "too much" with a straight face. That is the number 2 my dog. That is the second number that exists https://t.co/rLiqqsPoPI
— caitie delaney (@caitiedelaney) October 12, 2023

u know you mentally dominated a white dude if u can get him to say "fair enough"
— lil arab (@sweatyhairy) October 12, 2023

they should make new fred flintstones as often as they make new jokers
— wint (@dril) October 11, 2023

Not everything that ever happened needs to be a documentary. pic.twitter.com/SkJC0v3IS8
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) October 11, 2023

The reason we keep telling lies is because our political base would punish us for telling the truth… https://t.co/GpSmUALkJp
— Brian Klaas (@brianklaas) October 11, 2023

Trump wanted shutdowns in May and September. Didn't happen.

Trump wanted an impeachment vote. Didn't happen.

Trump endorsed Jim Jordan as Speaker. Scalise got the nomination instead.

Trump has an ironclad grip over this Republican House, the media tells us. But that's a lie.
— Palmer Report (@PalmerReport) October 11, 2023

Sound up for Tommy Tumbleville pic.twitter.com/UNgX3rz5AU
— MeidasTouch (@MeidasTouch) October 11, 2023

Tommy Tuberville on Biden's Europe trip: "I'm afraid he's going to fall down every time I turn on television."

Here's Tommy …. pic.twitter.com/QKLhlK0NUy
— Hoodlum 🇺🇸 (@NotHoodlum) October 11, 2023

Why
Why
Why
Why
Why
Why
Did Ontario elect this buffoon not once but twice?? https://t.co/Mer8e3lP2V
— Lori (@LoriInWhitby) October 12, 2023

I like when an annoying little character trait appears on both seinfeld and curb your enthusiasm bc it means larry david has been pissed off abt that kind of person for 3-4 decades
— america's lounge singer (@KrangTNelson) October 12, 2023

justin bieber posting "praying for israel" using a picture of a destroyed gaza is actually insane pic.twitter.com/GNcEyhNk6V
— Hurt CoPain (@SaeedDiCaprio) October 11, 2023

What's truly insane is that the root cause of this is the British
— G. L. (@gldivittorio) October 12, 2023

really tough decision regarding israel, should i trust freedom fighters like nelson mandela, malcolm x, angela davis, and muhammad ali and their support of palestine, or an actor from a netflix show
— bethany (@kimwexlcrs) October 11, 2023

This should make a dent https://t.co/6RS09lkj7Q
— Sam Morril (@sammorril) October 12, 2023

"Hamas has done and here's a picture to prove it"

Community notes:
"Actually this is a picture of Israelis doing this exact thing 5 years ago"
— Wife Lover (@Tekken3Enjoyer) October 11, 2023

The pilot wore Palestinian colours and denounced Israel. That's all it takes to lose a job in this country. Hopefully he's picked up by another carrier soon. https://t.co/5PfESksktM
— Nora Loreto (@NoLore) October 11, 2023

pic.twitter.com/HB1Gx2I2gT
— Comrade Sisko 🖖🏾✊🏿 (@Pinko69420) October 11, 2023

Mace: There are Democrats who trust Jordan

Tapper: Jim Jordan?

Mace: Yes

Tapper: From Ohio?

Mace: Yes

Tapper: Name one pic.twitter.com/22QdZLARx2
— Acyn (@Acyn) October 11, 2023

October 12

Mace's former communications director 👇 https://t.co/kSXjyGlsvY
— John Harwood (@JohnJHarwood) October 12, 2023

I am watching the generation of comedians that were brave enough to be the first to oppose the Iraq war get on here and cheerlead an ethnic cleansing of brown people in Palestine by referring to them as terrorists. Never get old, folks.
— FREE PALESTINE FROM BATMAN (@feraljokes) October 12, 2023

I think the insane Nazi website run by a dipshit pedophile is the best place to have war crime discourse
— very tall bart (@TallBart) October 12, 2023

Its stunning watching people argue which dead babies to care about.
— Marcella Arguello (@marcellacomedy) October 12, 2023

hey guys, is it antisemitic to fight for your life?
— tara (@taraxrh) October 12, 2023

Well, we gave it a try, but it looks like a handful of notes app screenshots on social media didn't solve the current global crisis! We will try again next time!!!
— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) October 13, 2023

48 OYSTERS??? Walrus behavior https://t.co/muqPkSst3z
— Vinny Thomas (@vinn_ayy) October 12, 2023

that's right baby sound it out!! https://t.co/stq2TYuXQo
— mrs. glock (@mylovedes2) October 12, 2023

"Took her to the seafood spot, shit was straight, then she started murdering oysters, first 48" pic.twitter.com/88CqohqY7W
— Ski Mask Shawty (@haveyouheardofg) October 12, 2023

Trump's mental state is rapidly deteriorating. He is severely unwell. He doesn't seem to know where he is or what he is talking about. He is angry and lashing out at our allies and attacking the USA. His family should step in and get him the help he needs. https://t.co/0wv3jltZTW
— MeidasTouch (@MeidasTouch) October 12, 2023

It seems like it should be bigger news that the leader of the Republican Party has spent the week criticizing Israel because he's vindictively unhappy that Israeli leaders have praised Biden.
— Matt McDermott (@mattmfm) October 12, 2023

having SUCH intense anxiety for the last few days and I'm like ok is this just a reasonable response to the war & climate change & midlife existential crisis & juggling parenting with too many jobs & financial insecurity & pandemic fatigue???? or do I just need to up my Zoloft
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) October 12, 2023

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: October 13, 2023

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