Not knowing enough about "YMCA," happy Columbus Day, Scott Aukerman's new neighbour gives it away, Paul Rudd gives photographers a whole new play and much more from this week in funny tweets.
October 12

stop asking gay men "who's the woman in the relationship" !! it's carly rae jepsen
— danny devito with titties (@fakedannydevito) October 12, 2019

All 2 minutes are worth the watch pic.twitter.com/6f3Dbyae7O
— Kalpa Semasinghe (@kalpa11) October 12, 2019

My new neighbor either loves the Red Hot Chili Peppers or IS one of the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I'm not sure.
— Scott Aukerman (@ScottAukerman) October 13, 2019

Front-page NYT story, 1908 pic.twitter.com/RyoufFJAPo
— Tina Jordan (@TinaJordanNYT) October 12, 2019

October 13

when I send off a great tweet that gets 0 likes and 0 RTs pic.twitter.com/8BEGYhVQ61
— quoth the RAEven (@PAYOLETTER) October 13, 2019

I dont want to brag but thats my napkin and clutch on the table https://t.co/bnyMEmi8e8
— Chelsea Peretti (@chelseaperetti) October 13, 2019

I'm megan now but I started as a megetarian
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) October 13, 2019

No need to slam @toddbarry https://t.co/HV3XWHHrg9
— Colin Quinn (@iamcolinquinn) October 13, 2019

[phone call]
me: son, your mother's in hospital

son: is it because she works there as a doctor?

me: *long pause* yes

son: stop doing this
— john (@mrjohndarby) October 13, 2019

now that the joker panic is over I think we should do a riddler panic. everyone afraid that kids will start asking questions in confusing ways. what is happening to Society
— ski patrol lars (@KrangTNelson) October 13, 2019

HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
— Князь Мышкин (@MyshkinFool) October 13, 2019

#Grouch #SesameStreet #SNL pic.twitter.com/O5z4pnwwiz
— Marcelo Córdova (@marcelocordova) October 13, 2019

October 14

I'll *pay* $10000 to do it for a year https://t.co/ozUEereRkk
— Paul F. Tompkins (@PFTompkins) October 15, 2019

When moms text reporters. pic.twitter.com/ivrzo94ngw
— Ronan Farrow (@RonanFarrow) October 14, 2019

Happy Indigenous Peoples' Day. pic.twitter.com/FLo3Wwp4H2
— Steven Cotterill (@socialiststeve6) October 14, 2019

One of my favorite videos on the entire internet is of this guy smashing his own nuts by crossing his legs... pic.twitter.com/YKrXTczAWd
— Rex Chapman🏇🏼 (@RexChapman) October 14, 2019

I know it's not much but at least Trump and his supporters are constantly reminded that every artist they love can't fucking stand them https://t.co/siAqw6iwbI
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) October 14, 2019

Haunted House Idea: every room is a bathroom and they're all carpeted
— Goo and slime (@mbalazo) October 14, 2019

I don't struggle with depression I'm actually really fucking good at it
— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) October 14, 2019

October 15

WHAT BIDEN WANTED TO DO:

• Take a selfie

WHAT HE DID:

• Turned the person's phone fully upside down
• Opened their messages
• Locked their screen and had no idea how to get it unlocked again pic.twitter.com/pO3tFU9bcT
— Freddie Campion (@FreddieCampion) October 16, 2019

This gets more impressive every time i watch it pic.twitter.com/IQ7duIjxOy
— Theo Shantonas🕊 (@TShantonas) October 15, 2019

When someone asks
"How's it going?" pic.twitter.com/jFgpURCgA6
— Barry Harper (@barryjohnharper) October 15, 2019

I've waited my whole life for an openly gay presidential candidate and I've decided to wait four more years.
— Solomon Georgio (@solomongeorgio) October 16, 2019

"listen up fuckers" is gender-neutral and gets attention https://t.co/IKqTFDwz1T
— vicky mochama (@vmochama) October 15, 2019

Bernie noooooo pic.twitter.com/x2hATq9oUC
— pixelatedboat aka "mr tweets" (@pixelatedboat) October 16, 2019

So far today, Rand Paul, Ronna Romney McDaniel, Donald Trump Jr. and Meghan McCain have weighed in on how bad nepotism is.
— Justin Baragona (@justinbaragona) October 15, 2019

Guy Picciotto 🇮🇹 https://t.co/ugqXecNaB1
— The chud from C.H.U.D. (@maggieserota) October 15, 2019

October 16

Pete Buttigieg cooking up bold, new policy ideas that will help normal working people. pic.twitter.com/fzUh7KPGsJ
— Zach O'Lantern (@zachheltzel) October 16, 2019

My work here is done. https://t.co/OxlR08Re8u
— Seth Rogen (@Sethrogen) October 16, 2019

wait...you think...you think this makes HER look bad

that's what you think

okay https://t.co/Sj0qkgFTfo
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) October 17, 2019

Welcome to the Splash Zone, Italian Translator. pic.twitter.com/IDaBGd8LkM
— John Heilemann (@jheil) October 16, 2019

[guy who's about to invent croutons]

*eating salad* i wish this hurt
— Scary Terry F (@daemonic3) October 16, 2019

Omg did you just copy my mom's homework and tweet it? https://t.co/HmF4oiRCu8
— Christine Pelosi (@sfpelosi) October 17, 2019

almost 22 years ago 2 people had sex and now i have to go to work everyday
— bam its sam✨ (@saaamscottt6) October 16, 2019

Nothing feels more dystopian to me than people losing their shit for a bad selfie of some rich people doing absolutely nothing https://t.co/5LkoCxlDJS
— caitie thee delaney (@caitiedelaney) October 16, 2019

Honestly it's hard to construct a better metaphor for the Trump administration than the fact that the United States is now bombing its own military bases.
— Binyamin Appelbaum (@BCAppelbaum) October 17, 2019

October 17

LeBron. What on earth. pic.twitter.com/MN6Uwc4H8j
— Rob Perez (@WorldWideWob) October 17, 2019

Voldemort didn't try to kill Harry Potter until he was 55
Darth Vader was nearly 40 when he built the Death Star
Hannibal was 52 when he escaped from captivity
Thanos was over 65 when he collected the infinity gems
Annie Wilkes was 44 when she found Paul

It's never too late ❤️
— Dea Poirier (@deapoirierbooks) October 17, 2019

THE NICKI ONE IM CRYING pic.twitter.com/YkM0hKosIh
— joy (@sweetenerjoy) October 17, 2019

pete davidson and pete davidson in a wig have called it quits https://t.co/Ruez686Kd2
— im young and hot (@tayallard) October 18, 2019

cancel #elxn43, he's already won pic.twitter.com/T6s90JV6a0
— sasha (@sashakalra) October 17, 2019

Paul Rudd is taking the photo game to places it's never been. pic.twitter.com/VkAQHaqcqv
— Chris Walder (@WalderSports) October 17, 2019

Trump vs. Trump: Kurds Edition.

via @TheDailyShow pic.twitter.com/YdguDLIAIu
— CJ Werleman (@cjwerleman) October 17, 2019

DON'T CROSS ME OR I WILL START A BAND AND WE WILL PLAY YOUR LEAST FAVORITE TYPE OF MUSIC AND BECOME HUGE AND THE NAME OF THE BAND WILL BE YOUR CAR'S LICENSE PLATE NUMBER AND YOU WILL LOOK LIKE YOU GOT A VANITY PLATE WITH OUR BAND'S NAME ON IT OH MY GOD YOU WILL FEEL SO STUPID 😎
— Ted Travelstead (@trumpetcake) October 18, 2019

this song is about men fucking each other at the gym https://t.co/7sVmtK0WcR
— Anthony Oliveira (@meakoopa) October 18, 2019

so what he's saying is... https://t.co/hu6BBEldGk
— rob harvilla (@harvilla) October 17, 2019

October 18

Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?

McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don't need to put Mc in front of words

Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) October 18, 2019

I HAVENT CACKLED OUT LOUD AT SOMETHING IN SO LONG pic.twitter.com/wYNQ45jDqy
— ☆ʀᴇʏ☆ (@SCOOBlEDOOBIE2) October 18, 2019

very well-thought out protest here. great optics, folks. 10/10 https://t.co/OftbpCEUKS
— jordan (@JordanUhl) October 19, 2019

If you read the bible in reverse, it's about the world's population killing each other until there's only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
— Macaulay Culkin (@IncredibleCulk) October 18, 2019

wtf sport are they going to play https://t.co/a1mDrrcuJd
— Night(Blair, Jon) Elm Street (@okjonblair) October 18, 2019

Two women floating in space were forced to talk to a rapist. https://t.co/IAAXXUqpID
— Jon Daly (@jondaly) October 18, 2019

Sam Waterston was arrested today while protesting for climate action pic.twitter.com/h07YC4fVLg
— jordan (@JordanUhl) October 18, 2019

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: October 18, 2019

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