You're my only hope, Francesca Scorsese helps cinephiles cope, eating new foods is dope, Jim Jordan's told nope, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

October 13

I swear to God, VEEP is a documentary. https://t.co/LHSPlPvBBM pic.twitter.com/ufjlDotGMl
— Thomas Falcigno (@ThomasFalcigno) October 13, 2023

why would you do this with a baby that looks like it just learned to sit up yesterday https://t.co/sFvV7v4K0h
— ashley ray (@theashleyray) October 14, 2023

If you really think resistance fighters were carrying around a bunch of stapled word documents labelled 'TOP SECRET' like some TV villains then I have 10 bridges to sell you. Insane levels of deception here https://t.co/YIzOvY57To
— Jennine (@jennineak) October 14, 2023

"from direction of Israel" pic.twitter.com/pda40HC68O
— they/them might be giants ☭ (@babadookspinoza) October 14, 2023

'The Onion' Stands With Israel Because It Seems Like You Get In Less Trouble For That https://t.co/G2uPOiYe6s pic.twitter.com/lQwVhREO8s
— The Onion (@TheOnion) October 13, 2023

One of the most bizarre things I've ever seen in politics. Mast:
✖️is not a dual citizen
✖️is not Jewish
✖️never actually served in the IDF (he spent a month volunteering to support the IDF) https://t.co/cfTjrr2SCM
— Brandon Friedman (@BFriedmanDC) October 14, 2023

You're either pro or anti-genocide. If you're in the grey area you're pro-genocide. Hope that helps.
— Hend Amry (@LibyaLiberty) October 13, 2023

Rich celebrities in their million dollar mansions in the U.S: I'm scared for my life🥺

Palestinians in Gaza going through a genocide, 6000+ airstrikes, no food, no water, no electricity, no support of any kind: Don't worry about us. If we die, don't forget us. Always speak up.
— سماح (@samah_fadil) October 13, 2023

October 14

Imagine risking getting sick to be socially validated by people who don't actually care about you.
— SARS2 is a Biohazard (@mysteriousrona) October 15, 2023

I'm begging men to realize that "doing half the housework" only after your partner has told you what housework needs to be done, and when, and how, isn't actually doing half the housework
— Clare Blackwood (@clareblackwood) October 15, 2023

https://t.co/mwziP46Dlp pic.twitter.com/fByE3nBNG9
— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) October 15, 2023

we must invest in some diaries for this family ; will you help me https://t.co/g0m0o1WQyG
— ashley ray (@theashleyray) October 15, 2023

Kind of funny that Sofia Coppola has made two movies about a teenage girl trapped in a luxurious mansion (Marie-Antoinette, Priscilla), while her teenage daughter is most famous for making a TikTok about being bored and grounded in a multimillion-dollar townhouse.
— Michael Schulman (@MJSchulman) October 14, 2023

Imagine, for one second, if the only three Jewish broadcasters on a network were removed from the anchor's chair because of current events. What word would you use to describe that? https://t.co/DokS1tbBSN
— Katie Halper (@kthalps) October 15, 2023

1990s: no two states with McDonalds have ever fought a war

2020s: two rival McDonalds wage intra-corporate proxy war https://t.co/wv0qOlu53b
— Seva (@SevaUT) October 15, 2023

I love this. It's me. I grew up in lily white suburbs/almost-rural MN. The foods I only first had in my late teens/twenties blew me away. Ethiopian! Thai! Sushi! I had my first gyro at age 12 AT THE STATE FRIGGIN FAIR. Eating new foods is is so fun and should be celebrated! https://t.co/w4bVdBEwo8
— Ariel Dumas (@ArielDumas) October 15, 2023

This his how much things should cost:

Iced tea: $1
Sandwich: $6
Soup: $4
Shirt: $8
Pants: $15
Jacket: $25
Genuine leather jacket: $100
Car: $15,000
Truck: $22,000
House: $180,000
Doctors visit: $0
Imaging: $0
Specialist: $0
ER visit: $0
Surgery: $0
Long term hospital stay: $0
— Bizarre Lazar (@BizarreLazar) October 14, 2023

October 15

Every study ever done: Less cars, more reliable transit and safe active transportation options is a good thing.

Cities: Hmm I don't know, can we really trust every study ever done?
— Tom Flood (@tomflood1) October 15, 2023

sorry in advance for every work & life thing I'm behind on this week, it's just that none of it matters at all and I'm losing my fucking mind
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) October 16, 2023

Suburbia is the primary cause of America's explosion in mental illness https://t.co/CIfUZew1jX
— Nathaniel Horadam (@NW_Horadam) October 15, 2023

Sue Sylvester on her way to destroy the Glee club. https://t.co/udNzbX3Kkm
— Rohita Kadambi (@RohitaKadambi) October 16, 2023

a 3 hour movie feels 10000x shorter than a "hilarious" 2 minute YouTube video your co-worker shows you
— Drew Landry (@MrDrewLandry) October 15, 2023

It's crazy that in every single university there is a gaggle of "campus conservatives" whose single public complaint is that no one wants to be friends with them
— Liv (@Liv_Agar) October 15, 2023

October 16

Keyifli mutlu akşamlar 😅🎶 pic.twitter.com/vQ6iuEnRDr
— Erkan Çatak (@lalinehome) October 16, 2023

this is always the hardest, darkest time of year. six months since creme egg, six months until creme egg
— Carl Kinsella (@TVsCarlKinsella) October 16, 2023

If I was Marie Antoinette's friend and she ran "let them eat cake" by me I would've been like "that's perfect. yes. say that."
— Grace Freud (@GraceGFreud) October 16, 2023

first date idea i list and describe all of my friends in extreme detail
— chlobuchar (@me_im_chloe) October 16, 2023

before buying something online, ask yourself: do I want to get an email from this company for the rest of my life?
— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) October 16, 2023

we built it
they buy it
they break it https://t.co/bfft2Dk1ZQ
— Fucked Up (@FUCKEDUP) October 17, 2023

every single tech bro capitalist who rolls in telling you they "love music" pic.twitter.com/ugjDgQEre7
— Geoff Wilt (@geoffwilt) October 16, 2023

Aight everyone back to zines and cassettes and conversations with people
— Wendy Eisenberg (@eisenbergsounds) October 16, 2023

At some point, we should ask how this enhances our lives. pic.twitter.com/RuFMmYus1v
— David Ho (@_david_ho_) October 17, 2023

Remember the rules: you can judge The Left as a whole by referencing the craziest fringe shit you can find on Twitter or in some student group, but it is unsporting & uncivil to judge The Right as a whole by referencing what its most prominent elected leaders say.
— David Roberts (@drvolts) October 16, 2023

I hope this evil woman got explosive diarrhea from bad ballpark cheese. pic.twitter.com/ZU4HMnjyXO
— Warren (@swd2) October 16, 2023

Landlord Forced To Raise Rent Due To Thinking Of Bigger Number https://t.co/vrMqqA7mnW
— The Onion (@TheOnion) October 16, 2023

https://t.co/u8CAUJu0sv pic.twitter.com/gQ353ZfwsD
— please, mr. ghost man👻 (@AuntColony) October 16, 2023

The Onion, ladies and gentlemen. pic.twitter.com/acCr96a72P
— Sana Saeed (@SanaSaeed) October 17, 2023

October 17

Working In Office is soooo degrading why am I biking 3 miles in slacks at 8 am with a jar of beef stew in my backpack
— manic pixie cheese curd, MPH (@tildawhirl) October 17, 2023

So close!! That is a banana 💕 https://t.co/RPIEu5rh57
— limp brittzkit (@Brittymigs) October 17, 2023

Not to be a Halloween Scrooge but I don't like that everyone uses stencils to carve their pumpkins now. Jack-o-lanterns are supposed to be extremely unimpressive. You should have a vision in your head and then not be able to execute it. That's what Halloween is all about.
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) October 17, 2023

The inventor of synonyms is probably rotating in their grave
— Harrison Weinreb (@harriweinreb) October 17, 2023

after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge
— chase (@_chase_____) October 17, 2023

this is like tokyo putting out a shirt with godzilla on it https://t.co/RmUobCjSED
— ian karmel (@IanKarmel) October 18, 2023

the best basketball player in the world being a passionate horse girl who treats the NBA like a mandatory corporate job is my favorite storyline ever https://t.co/lHukoWNzY5
— Molly Morrison (@mollyhannahm) October 17, 2023

this plan is flawless. spam bots would never pay $1 a year to sign up a new account on twitter https://t.co/PkI68pqHGD pic.twitter.com/43RLAYGyAY
— leon (@leyawn) October 18, 2023

Elon Musk just really, really wants your credit card number.
— Schooley (@Rschooley) October 18, 2023

It is journalistic malpractice to keep interviewing this woman https://t.co/WGbPDxecOk
— Zack Bornstein (@ZackBornstein) October 18, 2023

Maybe it's just me, but posting the personal address of Attorney General Letitia James in retaliation for being exposed as a fraud should've resulted in immediate arrest.
— Ricky Davila (@TheRickyDavila) October 18, 2023

What is this, the Mafia? https://t.co/B1syVWkpDP
— Richard W. Painter (@RWPUSA) October 18, 2023

Kasich just went on MSBC and said it was the Democrats' job to help Republicans pick their leader:

ZERO Republicans voted for Nancy Pelosi for Speaker of the House in 2007.
ZERO Republicans voted for her in 2021.

It would be extremely helpful if the media remembered this. 🙄
— Mary L Trump (@MaryLTrump) October 17, 2023

In the race for Speaker, there's one obvious choice.

Jim Jordan: Not as Bad as a Pedophile pic.twitter.com/cHc9dmRKSJ
— The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) October 17, 2023

A friend who, because of his job, can't say these things, just made an excellent point to me about the extreme, toxic radicalism of the House Republicans. He said: 1/5
— Robert Mann (@RTMannJr) October 17, 2023

"We muss condemm haw moss and haw maw sis hay knee us en terrer a tax."

https://t.co/2kU1tNHNvS
— TDot Resident (@TDotResident) October 18, 2023

A second thing is going on. Coincidence? pic.twitter.com/JDFrHkXbyl
— Cody Johnston (@drmistercody) October 17, 2023

i actually don't find it that hard to tell what's real or fake on twitter but i'm also not stupid as hell so i guess i have to take that into consideration
— sarah hagi (@KindaHagi) October 18, 2023

FOR THOSE TOO YOUNG TO REMEMBER 9/11- YES WE FUCKING DID SAY THAT!!!!! losing my goddamn mind https://t.co/xmFWH95rMH
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) October 17, 2023

this might be the best use of satire I've ever seen be displayed. Bassem Youssef made a fool of both Piers Morgan, and the entirety of western media. pic.twitter.com/BiBdbCQvPZ
— hayat • حياة (@hayxtt) October 17, 2023

A mystery for the ages: either the country that has been carpet bombing gaza for a week blew up a hospital or Hamas suddenly developed the most powerful rocket in their arsenal, previously unknown to the world, and then dropped it on themselves.
— Joe Kassabian (@JoeKassabian) October 17, 2023

Anderson Cooper corrected himself "it seems to be a huge loss of civilian li…uhh a huge loss of life"

The dehumanization is real.
— Imraan Siddiqi (@imraansiddiqi) October 17, 2023

It's all very confusing I agree but my best guess as to who bombed the hospital in Gaza would be that it might be the people who have been bombing Gaza
— Aaron Bady (@zunguzungu) October 17, 2023

October 18

Israel Military Reports It Was You, The Reader, Who Blew Up Hospital https://t.co/Co58jbTnPx
— The Onion (@TheOnion) October 18, 2023

I daily see how Brexit happened. pic.twitter.com/XMoVi5jRSu
— Brendan May (@bmay) October 18, 2023

WHEN YOU VOTE FOR THE PARTY THAT DOESN'T WANT GOVERNMENT TO WORK... GOVERNMENT DOESN'T WORK
— Elie Mystal (@ElieNYC) October 18, 2023

How comically inept are these House Republicans? They've allowed House Democrat Hakeem Jeffries to finish in first place in the Speaker of the House vote sixteen different times so far this year
— Palmer Report (@PalmerReport) October 18, 2023

Gender affirming care https://t.co/4eMwqECkgN
— Jack Cocchiarella (@JDCocchiarella) October 19, 2023

This video took a turn that I couldn't have guessed in a million years, but I'm glad it did. 😆😆😆😆😆😆 pic.twitter.com/TWrGiCEKaQ
— Sassington, M.D. (@MissSassbox) October 19, 2023

Francesca Scorsese has done so much for the cinephile community pic.twitter.com/FkgKQcoZf4
— mia 🎃 (@arrivalleneuve) October 19, 2023

Deni, I got some news for ya, bro….

That man looked off Steph Curry. He is most likely not passing to you https://t.co/DfuxUmNjUO
— Tony Jones (@Tjonesonthenba) October 19, 2023

would like to remind everyone that the rangers didn't have a pride night because it's too political https://t.co/dpD5dbSLTZ
— David (@2022WSCHAMPIONS) October 19, 2023

will never understand hearing about a world event all day every day and being satisfied not knowing more bc "it's really complicated" so you are ok with someone thinking you're a dumb idiot who can't comprehend? you are ok with that goo goo ga ga mindset?
— sarah hagi (@KindaHagi) October 19, 2023

I always dreamed about getting this tweet but I thought it would be about a starting quarterback controversy. https://t.co/j03LrYk9lJ
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) October 18, 2023

We grew up so poor we could only do track OR field.
— George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) October 18, 2023

This prolly feels good asf as a house https://t.co/IQBvVx9UJe
— Pilgrim (@VLONEPREDATOR) October 18, 2023

Wow, what a coincidence. Saudi Arabia, Russia and China all have a floor in Trump's Tower? https://t.co/VlszGABDJb
— John Oberlin (@OMGno2trump) October 18, 2023

after rewatching wolf of wall street i once again leave with the conclusion that it is not marty's fault that men idolize jordan belfort at all. he literally shows him punching his wife in the gut and then crashing a car with his daughter in it while high…
— julia (@eathedocument) October 19, 2023

please for the love of god just fund the sequel yourselves i am begging you https://t.co/2DVFKg0qrI
— Diego Crespo (@thediegocrespo) October 18, 2023

RIP Burt Young. There is no greater character in American fiction than Paulie from the Rocky movies, who began as a violent borderline psychopath; entered a romantic relationship with a robot; personally blew Rocky's entire fortune (?); and ended his life as a kindly old man.
— Will Sloan (@WillSloanEsq) October 19, 2023

Help me Only One Pierogi, you're my only hope https://t.co/PNdWavvYaX
— Slothmom (@CaseyExplosion) October 19, 2023

October 19

pic.twitter.com/XutyxBnbE7
— Detty (@0ddette) October 19, 2023

Love the phrasing of "We dug our own grave" when it's been reported that everyone at Tesla thought it was a terrible idea and even designed an alternative for him, but he made them do the stupid one anyway. There's only one set of fingerprints on that shovel, Elon. pic.twitter.com/Ili14YIlOb
— Cody Johnston (@drmistercody) October 19, 2023

Must be hard for Jim Jordan to beg for help and be ignored after he did that same thing to the wrestlers he coached https://t.co/3eOxqBB9PY
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) October 19, 2023

Your house is not haunted, there's a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
— Oklahoma Department of Wildlife Conservation (@OKWildlifeDept) October 19, 2023

it's… it's breathtaking https://t.co/ZPVVOT1JNt
— Imani Gandy (Orca's Version) ⚓️ (@AngryBlackLady) October 19, 2023

if i was rich, i would have Air Canada's award-winning in-flight entertainment system installed throughout my home
— jos (@josiahhughes) October 19, 2023

their propaganda team is scrambling so hard for any pr points it's actually insane https://t.co/xRGBtBNXTy
— Hurt CoPain (@SaeedDiCaprio) October 19, 2023

As someone who is proudly pro-genocide , I am worried to even step outside my house right now. The level of hatred towards my genocidal brothers and sisters is at all time high right now. Everyone stay safe out there 🙏
— Rajat Suresh (@rajat_suresh) October 19, 2023

Biden Urges Americans Not To Let Dangerous Online Rhetoric Humanize Palestinians https://t.co/vn1QzmxbXJ
— The Onion (@TheOnion) October 19, 2023

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: October 20, 2023

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