Skeleton on a Peleton, six ibuprofen, founder of Michelin, this is Tywin, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

October 14

someone i taught how to play guitar IN THE PANDEMIC opened for my chemical romance tonight so when i say anyone can play music especially you just know i mean that shit
— greenville, sc tap water fan account (@absinthefather) October 15, 2022

Every time I think I have a new hobby it turns out I just like to buy stuff
— Amy (@lolennui) October 15, 2022

This is Tywin Lannister. https://t.co/Sav8v3aWLw
— Two Time Emmy Winner Ali B (@wtflanksteak) October 15, 2022

Shit got me cryin real tears bro Omg pic.twitter.com/0278Vg1KsB
— maybe: anonymous (@lowbehindglass) October 15, 2022

Don't piss me off… pic.twitter.com/nmU2HsLDwq
— Steeve Ho You Fat (@Notdojaaa) October 14, 2022

Got a cute new little bottle for my Diet Coke pic.twitter.com/yuYDKIFjxg
— Blix 🅱️ (@blix_bbb) October 14, 2022

I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren't in the same place
— Honey (@benegotherit) October 14, 2022

me: and you could have it all, my empire of dirt

my girlfriend [a worm]: oh fuck yes
— seasonal wife geist (@wife_geist) October 15, 2022

 
October 15

Having a boyfriend is great because you always have someone to gossip to and he won't tell anyone because he wasn't listening in the first place.
— max〽️ (@Maxthepapi) October 15, 2022

*hands you six ibuprofen* this is an old family recipe
— Casey Nowak (@IgnatzHaderach) October 16, 2022

landlords: we must raise rent

costco ceo: i would rather burn this place to the ground than charge more than $1.50 for a hotdog
— Adam (@adamgreattweet) October 15, 2022

biologists: "As temperatures continue to rise, more animals will be dying off."

climatologists: "Temperatures continue to rise."

news: "No one knows why animals are dying off."
— Gritty is the Way (@Gritty20202) October 15, 2022

These are the text I get from my sister, wtf lol pic.twitter.com/3suJi4vqWd
— The Noir Enigma but make it spooky (@TheNoirEnigma) October 15, 2022

Why is that? 🤬 pic.twitter.com/Kx0vFKCahk
— Mae Gutierrez (@maegutz) October 15, 2022

One of the most effective ads to air in TV history pic.twitter.com/Vm1HdqPUUn
— Historic Vids (@historyinmemes) October 15, 2022

Michael Myers walked so that Jamie Lee Curtis could run
— zach reinert (@zachreinert0) October 15, 2022

the only good customer is a customer who knows it's an inherently hateful thing to be a customer and is meek and subservient as a result
— rax 'leads with her crotch' king (@RaxKingIsDead) October 16, 2022

founder of michelin: [drunk as hell] we're going to make tires and also rate restaurants
— Hurt CoPain (@SaeedDiCaprio) October 15, 2022

20 year plan: become this guy pic.twitter.com/TulWVPHsJE
— colin (@cheeserburger) October 15, 2022

pic.twitter.com/RKFHJkwAnC
— good reddit great reddit and sometimes bad reddit (@GoodReddit) October 15, 2022

25??? pic.twitter.com/525fqkhwXu
— internet hall of fame (@InternetH0F) October 15, 2022

just found out most gay clubs used to be owned by mob bc they were the only people willing to open them when it was still illegal…the Woke Mob if you will pic.twitter.com/JWC9e0IIQi
— carey (@brokebackstan) October 16, 2022

October 16

Why would he resign over this? What is less gay than fleeing a 25 man orgy? The gay thing to do would be to run towards it pic.twitter.com/g7ufkIeVnY
— Listen to Online Boy on Spotify or else (threat) (@realonlineboy) October 16, 2022

This is easily one of the most chaotic videos of the decade pic.twitter.com/znrdByHFN1
— evil (@evilburrito23) October 17, 2022

Omg he actually said this pic.twitter.com/JUh0MCxI7K
— Jomboy Media (@JomboyMedia) October 17, 2022

the thing about learning the correct pronunciation of a word I've been saying wrong for 30 years is that instead of pronouncing it correctly moving forward i will simply never say it again. nothing is macabre or hyperbolic. segues are transitions. the river in london has no name
— Alix E. Harrow (@AlixEHarrow) October 16, 2022

Every single girl in a slutty Halloween costume at an apartment party 5 years ago was at a pumpkin patch with their baby this weekend.
— Jordana Abraham (@JordanaAbraham) October 17, 2022

I love when your phone gets old and it just starts acting haunted
— Luke Mones (@LukeMones) October 17, 2022

Ryan Murphy productions are always written like how I would make my Barbies talk to each other
— Jane Dashley (@JaneDashley) October 17, 2022

This is Michael Van Holst, an anti-vax city councilman in Canada canvassing.
I love this woman. pic.twitter.com/O3jdWM5P1K
— ALT-immigration (@ALT_uscis) October 17, 2022

someone said this is gonna be justin's new wallpaper 😭 https://t.co/VXlRqz0WEy
— imaan (@imskader) October 16, 2022

I might've cried just a little bit pic.twitter.com/LMqVMk15tl
— Read Jackson Rising by @CooperationJXN (@JoshuaPotash) October 16, 2022

2 hours of cooking just to eat in 10 minutes and now I've gotta wash everything pic.twitter.com/XGbjCXHyvV
— name cannot be blank (@stfuayen) October 16, 2022

Starting a soup restaurant called Lentil Illness
— Dan Duvall (@lazerdoov) October 16, 2022

Not many people know that at the very top of Pennsylvania is a place called Eraservania.
— Dave Merritt (@GoldenSeals) October 17, 2022

You've heard of Elf on a Shelf but… pic.twitter.com/AwubVzJjKA
— Kaveh MD (@thehouseofpod) October 16, 2022

October 17

Canada is just five big banks, two grocery chains, and three telecom giants in a puffer down jacket.
— Wing Kar Li, PhD (@wingkarli) October 17, 2022

My annual posting of the dogs photoshopped out of the show. pic.twitter.com/i5E3GEk4ys
— Alex M. Kintner (@AlexKintner3) October 17, 2022

"There are many rivers that are feeding the sea of rodents in the city, and today we're damming one of them"
— Emma Court (@emmarcourt) October 17, 2022

We are all slacking. pic.twitter.com/Imp42JZX5m
— Zev Good (@therealzevgood) October 17, 2022

Taylor Swift fandom is Q-Anon for people who were a pleasure to have in class
— Colin Diersing (@cdiersing) October 17, 2022

everything in the sky is an unidentified flying object to me. i don't know what the hell is going on up there
— cory (@coolmathgame_) October 17, 2022

My wife makes us put $5 in the "find jar" every time we make her find something we can't locate in the house.

After 13 months of saving, today we are buying a Ford Explorer
— Michael James (@MikeJamesAuthor) October 17, 2022

153 deliveries in a month. With an 100% satisfaction rate. Hell yeah Kadeem talk that shit, big dog https://t.co/jProf7Gypr
— 🎃👻America Is Musty👻🎃 (@DragonflyJonez) October 17, 2022

Cloud https://t.co/frO9BWFJif
— isi baehr-breen (its pronounced 'izzy') (@isaiah_bb) October 17, 2022

Googling "Olivia Wilde salad dressing what happened" is, I think, the lowest point of my not not-long life
— Grant Ginder (@GrantGinder) October 18, 2022

"why does anyone even care about celebrity gossip?"

I just read a headline that said jason sudeikis laid down in front of Olivia wilde's car to stop her from bringing Harry styles a salad with special dressing. I'm just supposed to scroll past that and go on about my day???
— sarah ☕ (@sarahthetaurus) October 17, 2022

I need olivia wilde to drop her salad dressing recipe that bagged harry and had ted lasso throwing himself under her car
— Krista Tamares (@KristaTamares) October 17, 2022

Obsessed with these stories of James Corden being terrible pic.twitter.com/z5hiMY6pqO
— Sam Stryker (@sbstryker) October 17, 2022

i was an intern for james corden and as soon as he closed his office door he would drop the british accent then take off his fat suit and also his real name is jack the ripper
— Girl with no problems (@hotpriestt) October 18, 2022

October 18

Trying to imagine what it'd take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I'd probably still just be like "I'm sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else's bowl of rats."
— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) October 18, 2022

Got in a fender bender today pic.twitter.com/GktguV57fp
— Tyler 🌮 (@tytacobell) October 19, 2022

what should i wear to the mechanic so they don't do misogyny to me
— bibo (@biboofficial) October 18, 2022

sexting after spending the day replying to emails is exhausting. I don't know what to say. I hope this pussy finds you well???
— cinnamon bun (@notsofiacoppola) October 19, 2022

*staring at screens for approximately 12 hours a day*

Yeah I could probably live on a farm…the woods even…
— Mr. Chau's DRAGULA (@Srirachachau) October 18, 2022

last night on my flight home I saw a man watch Ratatouille and then Everything Everywhere All At Once back to back and I hope he was seeing the latter for the first time and accidentally constructed the best double feature for himself
— Katie Minard (@KatieMinard) October 18, 2022

If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 3 minutes.
— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) October 18, 2022

two incomes is better than one. make sure ur mans got two jobs, stay up queens!
— NE$$ (@highoffness) October 19, 2022

Is the "rich auntie" really rich, or does she just not have kids??
— Finest (@BigNeyogems) October 18, 2022

i get so starstruck when the dentist comes in after the dental hygienist
— Isabel Steckel (@IsabelSteckel) October 18, 2022

White people be like "the man, the myth, the legend" whole time it's just Josh
— 𖤐 𝙏𝙧𝙞𝙥𝙥𝙮𝙍𝙖𝙫𝙚𝙣 𖤐 (@TrippyRaven) October 18, 2022

why girl's named deborah always go by "deb" and never "bruh"
— $𝔩𝔞𝔭☃️ (@slvppy) October 18, 2022

To my followers: do better pic.twitter.com/WA6a8HRJXJ
— Lisa Gilroy (@TheLisaGilroy) October 18, 2022

Received this at my grandmas funeral. What an icon. pic.twitter.com/EhxhzHJfoZ
— gracie perryman (@qrracie) October 18, 2022

Ghost costume 😂 pic.twitter.com/lO0qWWbAES
— SPOOKY SZN QENNY (@AKBrews) October 19, 2022

 
October 19

the fact that we can even have a lesbian emu farmer influencer who is also a god fearing conservative racist shows the failure of identity based representation politics
— jes tom 🔪 LESS LONELY @ NYCF 11/9 (@jestom) October 19, 2022

Me: uh oh
Wife: what
Me: they're trying to milkshake duck the lesbian emu influencer
Wife: are you having a stroke
— TriumphantLettuceHat (@Popehat) October 20, 2022

Indie bands naming themselves 2002-2008: pic.twitter.com/McBrEj3NMB
— Toby Db (@tobyfrombath) October 19, 2022

In 1962, an Italian magazine published a story previewing what the world could look like in 2022 pic.twitter.com/hEqY6v9kBH
— Historic Vids (@historyinmemes) October 19, 2022

the cranberries are so good i wish ireland was real
— Isabella Gomez Sarmiento (@isabellamariags) October 19, 2022

My favourite aspect of Halloween is the playlists, where people clearly add songs like Zombie by the Cranberries on name alone, so at parties it goes Monster Mash, Rocky Horror, Beautiful Elegy About Intergenerational Trauma of English Violence Against Ireland, then Thriller
— Jack Bernhardt (@jackbern23) October 19, 2022

KIDS: Trick or treat!
JORDEM PETERSON: What does "trick" mean? What is "or?" Define "treat."
— Michael A. Balazo (@mbalazo) October 19, 2022

Waking up every morning at 5am and shooting my handgun 9 times out the window to keep rent prices down
— Lukas (computer) (@SCHIZO_FREQ) October 19, 2022

Uber CEO: How do we turn a profit?

Intern: Imagine Uber but no car... pic.twitter.com/ysoMbxBsLR
— John Pompliano (@JohnPompliano) October 19, 2022

This man with a lint roller is a legend 😂 pic.twitter.com/hqqLpzkZuh
— Clown World ™ 🤡 (@ClownWorld_) October 20, 2022

nobody:

my eyes in pictures pic.twitter.com/f9gBpoWAiv
— IG: closedapp (@ih8rts) October 19, 2022

in a c section today the dad made a joke about us giving his wife a 'husband stitch' and the surgeon goes "we don't do that here, but i can recommend you for a penis enlargement consultation if you're that concerned about wanting to satisfy your wife at your current size"💀
— hailey (@PastaPrimcess) October 19, 2022

The fact that Westeros had no black people in "Game of Thrones" but had plenty during its prequel "House of the Dragon" means something real real bad happened in between
— Todd in the Shadows (@ShadowTodd) October 19, 2022

some of these costumes are TOO SCARY pic.twitter.com/69YWurp3oB
— Jonty Usborne (@JontyUsborne) October 20, 2022

My son has lived through four chancellors, three home secretaries, two prime ministers and two monarchs.

He's four months old.
— Alan McGuinness (@Alan_McGuinness) October 19, 2022

October 20

Retire young using this one weird trick pic.twitter.com/FyKRGN7aiQ
— Read Jackson Rising by @CooperationJXN (@JoshuaPotash) October 20, 2022

Here's the full clip of how Channel 4 News ended this evening. "I've got a blank space baby, and I'll write your name." pic.twitter.com/GDjzoZtmoX
— Stuart's (@feelinglistless) October 20, 2022

German TV news on what is happening in British politics is amazing. No need to understand German, watch to the end pic.twitter.com/RFPnD1iOFF
— Ben Phillips (@benphillips76) October 20, 2022

Truss is officially the UK's shortest serving prime minister. She got in, killed the monarchy, pound, and conservative party and left.

Thank you comrade Truss ⚒️ fine work
— Mia Mulder (@Potatopolitics) October 20, 2022

I can't believe the answer is literally no pic.twitter.com/vhASnU5VF4
— Washington Post TikTok Guy 🎃 (@davejorgenson) October 20, 2022

british people. not sure what's going on over there. but are you telling me you've been hiding a guy named bonar law from us this whole time https://t.co/WnYabKaUQX
— nate of the living dead (@MNateShyamalan) October 20, 2022

The Mr. Show diaspora is so weird. Odenkirk is an award-winning dramatic actor, Cross is a beloved performer in kids' movies, Karen Kilgariff is a controversial true-crime podcaster, and Jay Johnston is a fugitive from justice after attending the Jan. 6 insurrection
— Abraham Josephine Riesman (אבי ריסמן) (@abrahamjoseph) October 20, 2022

We tried to give Herschel Walker condoms today (for obvious reasons) pic.twitter.com/kOw0VK0NxD
— The Good Liars (@TheGoodLiars) October 20, 2022

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: October 21, 2022

Latest Coverage