Kanye Can Suck Our Kosher Dogs, 44 billion for micro-blogs, apple travelogues, Vitamin Water bog, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

October 21

just explained to my partner that pumpkin spice is not pumpkin flavor but the spice mix that goes into pumpkin pie; an autumnal mélange; white people masala
— anjali (@anjapatel) October 22, 2022

protect this woman at all costs!! pic.twitter.com/cLOjwgZgYk
— indigebaddie 🪶 (@BeatByBenally) October 21, 2022

how to make friends as an adult who is not in college and also works at home and also is not extroverted
— bug girl (@buggirl) October 21, 2022

Here's the video with sound of us offering Herschel Walker condoms at his rally yesterday. pic.twitter.com/ssua9NlwmJ
— The Good Liars (@TheGoodLiars) October 21, 2022

first born daughters who were "a pleasure to have in class," how we doin right now?
— BOM Flying Lady Doctor | ☭ | تقول الطبيبة | 🇮🇶 (@LadyDoctorSays) October 22, 2022

Once again thinking about the tombstone for Ed Harris's wife in The Rock that refers to her simply as "His wife." pic.twitter.com/kAAmtsrg7A
— Mike Beauvais (@MikeBeauvais) October 22, 2022

It sucks you can't google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
— pj (@pjayevans) October 22, 2022

me about my dog: my ride or die, number one, throw myself into the sun for them

my dog: i would run off with your murderer if they presented me with a cheez it cracker
— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) October 22, 2022

*at a job interview*
"Can you perform under pressure?"
Me: "I'm not sure I know all the lyrics but here goes nothing."
— Alison Burke (@TiredActor) October 21, 2022

If you have more than 1,080 hours in a video game, you've played it longer than Liz Truss was Prime Minister of the UK
— the prince with a thousand enemies ♂️ (@jaketropolis) October 21, 2022

me on my me when i'm
way to work at work pic.twitter.com/IlWJ8zl108
— Shafeeq (@Y2SHAF) October 21, 2022

pic.twitter.com/AEbeXZtIZL
— francis wolf (@francisxwolf) October 21, 2022

My son is sick so his voice is all congested-sounding and he asked me for crepes for breakfast. So I googled a crepe recipe, made a crepe even though I never have before. Put it down in front of him and he was like "these are grapes?" He just wanted some grapes.
— jon drake (@DrakeGatsby) October 21, 2022

I can see why people litter. So quick and easy
— Harrison (@harriweinreb) October 21, 2022

I can't escape pic.twitter.com/s5hEf87f4r
— Alison Burke (@TiredActor) October 21, 2022

"Tiktok star kisses sick emu, creating human variant of avian flu strain that decimates 60% of the population" sounds like the fitting end for America, frankly. Couldn't have written it better
— lil pom poko jerk (@rajandelman) October 21, 2022

 
October 22

There was an outbreak of armpit crabs at BYU. Sit with me for a moment, and think about how that happened. Have a good day y'all.
— Gumbo Crab 🦀 (@peymamas) October 22, 2022

I used to think it was Big of Me that I didn't Hold Grudges but then I realized I just have ADHD and simply, cannot remember what happened
— Maggie Mae Fish 🌈 (@MaggieMaeFish) October 22, 2022

I am starting a new party trend called Gandalfing. You show up, smoke a pipe, and talk to the shortest people there before disappearing into the night
— 7/11 Truther (@DaveMcNamee3000) October 22, 2022

I will never tire of this website. Someone will say "i love spending time with my husband" and the replies are all like "WOW that's great for you but I am ALLERGIC to BEES"
— Vinny Thomas (@vinn_ayy) October 23, 2022

Realized that I'll have to have a funeral some day. Really need to start being nicer/more available to people. Life's all about butts in seats at the end.
— Andrew Hood (@Andrew_N_Hood) October 23, 2022

Ending the date by asking her if she has anything to plug
— Diego Lopez (@thisdiegolopez) October 22, 2022

Ken Bone at the Doctor Strange premiere pic.twitter.com/xXDAbBadsb
— Why the buddy pregnant (@paynushaver) October 22, 2022

October 23

the thing where you enter people in your phone like "dave landlord" or "joe hookup" is modern culture reinventing bynames from yesteryear

eventually they will become new surnames
— Alex P 👹 (@SaddestRobots) October 24, 2022

You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING - grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas - in ONE LONG NOTE
— Jessica Ellis (@baddestmamajama) October 23, 2022

last week somebody suggested 9 am to me as a meeting time and i laughed out loud. this is not the NAVY bitch. 9 am is still snug as a bug in a rug hours. please be serious.
— caleb hearon (@calebsaysthings) October 24, 2022

Ted Cruz getting a proper Yankee Stadium welcome tonight

H/t @jessemangelo pic.twitter.com/scKm3jnTXF
— Wu-Tang is for the Children (@WUTangKids) October 24, 2022

i'll admit, it's a funny bit that the current way to perform masculinity on the right is to brag about how afraid you are of normal cities
— Parker Higgins (@xor) October 23, 2022

just listened to Taylor swift's new album and I don't get the hype. It struck me as an odd decision to have a constant beeping backing the music, reminded me too much of a carbon monoxide alarm. Listening to the album took a lot out of me, I feel really tired and my head hurts
— FDR's Muscular, Awe-Inspiring Legs (@snelsonmandela2) October 23, 2022

October 24

In her 30s still making first breakup music. Go sell some drugs.
— Zito (@_Zeets) October 24, 2022

Honked at a car this morning that turned out to be my therapist while we were both on the way to her office. I'm sure we will be getting into one today.
— ellory smith (@ellorysmith) October 24, 2022

Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went "Bye everyone," and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
— Marilyn (@dietcokegirI) October 24, 2022

boomers want to eliminate work from home so they can start having affairs again
— styfe littéraire (@s7ablatchitchi) October 24, 2022

my boss accused me of "quiet quitting" and it's like, no i am not, i'm just genuinely bad at my job
— Robert Schultz (@_RobertSchultz) October 24, 2022

BREAKING: Rishi Sunak has resigned as England's Prime Minister
— Reuters Pitchbot (Satire) (@ReutersPitchbot) October 24, 2022

prime_minister_final_final_FINAL.docx
— Max Kashevsky (@MaxKashevsky) October 24, 2022

an early bird just fucking stole my girlfriend
— Brady (@pebbut) October 24, 2022

POV: you're a famous painting in a museum pic.twitter.com/70hQQm1cJJ
— ❒ (@RlCKYRAGE) October 24, 2022

"I can't believe twitter is free" it isn't, there is an inconceivable toll
— bobby wasabi (@bobbyteriyaki) October 24, 2022

FACT: Before Kanye West was "the face of Anti-Semitism," he was one of the hip-hop faces of misogynoir, anti-Blackness, Trumpism, and slavery-denial.

And y'all still gave him contracts, documentaries, endorsements, clothing deals, and millions that became billions.

Shame.
— Ernest Owens (@MrErnestOwens) October 25, 2022

Adidas's founders were nazis which is why I wear Nike. No nazi ties and they also provide children with jobs
— Andrea More (@amore_orless) October 24, 2022

October 25

Always nice to see my son's apple return home from it's daily school outing
— Mom Jeans (@momjeansplease) October 26, 2022

one time i was on an elevator and a guy dropped a bunch of loose grapes on the ground then was like "sorry i haven't eaten grapes in a while" & i think about him every day
— chase (@_chase_____) October 26, 2022

Being an adult is terrible but I thank God everyday that I don't have to randomly run a mile at noon against my will and then go on about my day like we did in school
— McErin☘️ (@colleen_eileen) October 25, 2022

respect this mother pic.twitter.com/iOpTCe0ICu
— BRAD ESPOSITO (@bradesposito) October 25, 2022

PLEASE wear cologne that matches your face! Got me turning around for foolishness
— kas🪬 (@urth2kas) October 26, 2022

no babe i think it's really sexy the way u engage in petty online discourse
— leigh-therface (@daughter_ion) October 26, 2022

Toronto dating is fucked last week a 25 year old man said to me "I got something to show you" and proceeded to show me an episode of loony tunes...and he was absolutely hooting and hollering
— sarahbennett.pdf (@barahsennett) October 26, 2022

asked this guy to come over and hang out bc i miss him and want to have sex and he said no because of "traffic" ????? men used to go to war
— jasminericegirl 🍚 (@jasminericegirl) October 26, 2022

Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let's hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT'S SPAGHETTI
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 25, 2022

A Brief History of People Have Lost Their Sense of Humour

🧵
— Paul Fairie (@paulisci) October 25, 2022

was just reminded of the staples logo reveal pic.twitter.com/dqnHPqdWqI
— em 🏳️‍⚧️🍂 (@cooIboobs) October 25, 2022

This fake trailer for The Shining almost single-handedly jump-started a "edit a grossly misrepresentational trailer for a popular movie" in the early days of YouTube, but I don't think a single one ever quite topped this. pic.twitter.com/TiXoW7p4Tj
— Jonathan (@jonathanmb32) October 26, 2022

NAHHHH THEY CLAPPING BACK NOW 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 pic.twitter.com/MshBHY3Bxb
— Ichigo Niggasake (@SomaKazima) October 26, 2022

Chicago has officially dropped Kanye as a spokesperson pic.twitter.com/9Dx4OfmZZD
— The Wieners Circle (@TheWienerCircle) October 25, 2022

 
October 26

vitamin water is hilarious. they really were like umm this liquid sugar is actually sooooo good for you and college me was like perfect thank u pass me the hot pink one I feel a cold coming on
— danielle weisberg (@danielleweisber) October 26, 2022

finding out Elton John lives in atlanta is so hilarious cus i thought he lived in a castle in england
— Your OG 🐩 (@LRNROSE) October 26, 2022

"no you don't have to pause the movie while i use the bathroom" okay so you don't care about what we're watching together? so you hate me and want me to die?
— just some guy 🏂 (@realaccountyeah) October 26, 2022

I love that no amount of money will ever give this man the one thing he wants - being funny https://t.co/WN1SoNtqDw
— Mohanad Elshieky (@MohanadElshieky) October 27, 2022

Okay everybody it's Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye. pic.twitter.com/NyHceWvoDl
— Ben Collins (@oneunderscore__) October 27, 2022

Reminder for when this site dies that this was the best tweet of all time. pic.twitter.com/LjsU9HKDlH
— Carlos Foglia (@LACarlos) October 27, 2022

pic.twitter.com/05c6O0wpYa
— old people online (@oldpplonline) October 27, 2022

The people piling on Fetterman for speech delivery issues (following a stroke) still want to put this guy back in the White House:pic.twitter.com/irOul47HCF
— Andrew Wortman 🏳️‍🌈🇺🇸 (@AmoneyResists) October 26, 2022

keanu reeves opening internet explorer to check his email only to discover that chandler from friends is publicly calling for his death
— kathleen (@fordhoIden) October 26, 2022

Michael Myers' original mask is famously a William Shatner mask, and I like to think that internally, Michael believes he IS William Shatner and is enacting what he sees as William Shatner's purpose
— DC Pierson (@DCpierson) October 26, 2022

what if michael meyers finally spoke and his first words were "my knife" in a borat voice
— Kai (@kaicomedy) October 26, 2022

Men will ruin your whole life then come back and like your picture
— Nッ (@Noorthevirgo) October 27, 2022

I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
— erin 🐴 (@beanrubio) October 27, 2022

Hilarious and conceivable that Cate Blanchett may have done Hot Ones and The Criterion Closet in the very same day/outfit pic.twitter.com/niavKXivAV
— Sophy Romvari (@SophyRomvari) October 27, 2022

October 27

dreamt that henry kissinger died in the middle of taping an episode of hot ones
— jamie loftus 🌭 (@jamieloftusHELP) October 27, 2022

Everyone realizes the GOP *wants* you to leave Twitter, right? It's one of our most effective messaging platforms.
— Angry Staffer 🌻 (@Angry_Staffer) October 28, 2022

Sure, Dr. Oz campaigned in front of Hitler's car, killed and tortured puppies, is a lifelong grifter, and will make abortion a decision involving local politicians, but John Fetterman needed closed captioning at the debate. Both sides, am I right?
— Alejandra Caraballo (@Esqueer_) October 27, 2022

having a rough day, was just laid off from my job as parkour instructor at the Donda Academy. i dont feel sorry for myself, i feel sorry for those children, running around there with half an education. nothing is more dangerous than someone who knows A Little about parkour
— friendl yman (@prettyXricky) October 27, 2022

STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty - dress slutty every day
— toxic king (@777jorgeivan) October 27, 2022

pumpkin patches get really desperate during the last week of October pic.twitter.com/HNJtz0h8Iq
— Matt O'Brien (@matt_obrien) October 27, 2022

The sluttiest costume imaginable pic.twitter.com/GgVfXPCOpg
— Sopranos Vibes (@sopranos_vibes) October 27, 2022

Same, yo. And you can't possibly understand unless you've been in our shoes. pic.twitter.com/u0zbmH2PyH
— George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) October 27, 2022

Elon after buying Twitter for 44 billion dollars pic.twitter.com/6VL5Djf9EB
— Jesse Hawken (@jessehawken) October 27, 2022

Big Black- Songs About Fucking (1987) pic.twitter.com/riQiT516Tc
— Simpsons Albums (@SimpsonsAlbums) October 27, 2022

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: October 28, 2022

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