Beaker of the house, an ex and her ex's ex-spouse, Republicans grouse, what owning a safety vest allows, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

September 29

aw that's very sweet of you but just a normal death cab for me, thanks.
— zach silberberg supports SAG-AFTRA (@zachsilberberg) September 29, 2023

the internet is a wild place lol

Here is Friends, but instead of a laugh track, it's just Kawhi Leonard in the studio audience

(via Ruining Media / TT) pic.twitter.com/U6eUHDgmmi
— Tommy Beer (@TommyBeer) September 30, 2023

"You ain't got infinite wiggles" feels like a phrase that's going to pop up in my brain at a very serious turning point in my life one day https://t.co/51q98F2qMg
— Dan Devine (@YourManDevine) September 29, 2023

This is such a hilarious quote. Imagine giving birth and the doctor and nurses start booing your baby. https://t.co/X6KbyhBHIi
— Zito (@_Zeets) September 29, 2023

When asked about X's declining usage, Linda Yaccarino held up her phone, revealing X isn't even on her home screen. pic.twitter.com/4xpGagjrD1
— Keith Edwards (@keithedwards) September 29, 2023

There were still ONE MILLION paying customers for the DVD-to-home mail order service. But apparently the money from that is the wrong kind of money, just like too many ticket sales from theatrical releases is somehow the wrong kind of money. It makes NO SENSE to me. https://t.co/WBGmFimGIN
— Connor Ratliff 🎭 (@connorratliff) September 30, 2023

Just remembered one time I was seeing Steely Dan at the Greek and scored some good seats. I got up to dance to Peg and when I returned Juliette Lewis and her dad George were sitting in my seats. "excuse me those are my seats" and Juliette said "sorry we need these" and shrugged. https://t.co/vnH1Gk9iz1
— Chaki (@ChakiFunkWizard) September 29, 2023

Girl math is not taking pain meds when you have cramps to see how long you can take the pain for and if you take the meds it means you're weak
— Aalia Wajar (@aalia_wajar) September 29, 2023

Cats can always spot the non cat person pic.twitter.com/HRMEJL2NzF
— place where cat shouldn't be (@catshouldnt) September 29, 2023

He looks like a King of the Hill character that the other four guys keep avoiding pic.twitter.com/byKHVcuIjZ
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) September 30, 2023

My favorite genre of Musk posting is "Dril Tweet, but serious." pic.twitter.com/bWUOl7RKLd
— John-Michael Bond (@BondJohnBond) September 29, 2023

oh you have diarrhea? Must be nice. my roommates forbid me from having diarrhea
— wint (@dril) September 29, 2023

https://t.co/GleToPGhGe pic.twitter.com/TmVfXLkPqA
— Chapin (@Chapinc) September 29, 2023

Can't believe they finally arrested the guy who spent the last ten years ending every sentence he said with "you know, this reminds me of when I was in Las Vegas and murdered Tupac Shakur with a gun that I think I still have in my garage somewhere."
— Kaleb Horton (@kalebhorton) September 29, 2023

"You've died" pic.twitter.com/7uXgsLgbIT
— Jesse (@MuskTillDawn) September 29, 2023

diane deserved to die in a nursing home alone with her kids fighting over her property instead of at her desk where her aides wouldn't tell her how she voted
— beth (@bethbourdon) September 29, 2023

Fondly remembering my tenure as an unpaid intern in Dianne Feinstein's office, when we were all like uhhh look I'm not a doctor but this person doesn't seem like she's in super great shape? To be one of 100 U.S. senators? Anyway this was 2010
— Jay Willis (@jaywillis) September 29, 2023

Dianne Feinstein's staffers furiously googling: "was Weekend at Bernie's based on a true story"
— Kristi Yamaguccimane (@TheWapplehouse) September 29, 2023

Diane Feinstein died? I didn't even know she was sick! pic.twitter.com/djFRuj2tiP
— actually it's good (@yungchomsky) September 29, 2023

Dianne Feinstein's staff report that she has died but add that she is fine
— Quinn Sutherland (@ReelQuinn) September 29, 2023

This is how I found out: https://t.co/P6KR6alq6S
— Kilmartin: Cincy, Austin, Ft Collins (@anylaurie16) September 29, 2023

The grim reaper looking at Mitch McConnell today: pic.twitter.com/4iQfflBafj
— TheFerocity on BlueSky (@theferocity) September 29, 2023

Crazy that this was Dianne Feinstein's deathbed confession: https://t.co/nsXbfWN60g
— Frank Lesser (@sadmonsters) September 29, 2023

I'm telling my kids this is the Alberta Legislature. pic.twitter.com/RZ7pF4mfdi
— VisuallyBetter (@Isuckatpicking) September 29, 2023

Woke up to my city sinking underwater once again and the news that a 90-year-old millionaire senator who bullied children for asking her to take action on climate change has died.
— onagapnotsew (@westonpagano) September 29, 2023

BREAKING: Eric Adams has authorized the NYPD to shoot at the floodwaters if they refuse to disperse. pic.twitter.com/kgxsKS6rF3
— NYC Bike Lanes (@NYCBikeLanes) September 29, 2023

Why didn't the 5,000 cops on the subway stop this?? https://t.co/ubOn304AWY
— Stop Cop City (@JoshuaPHilll) September 29, 2023

They really were like "if we declare a State of Emergency at 6AM, people won't go to work" and then waited until 11AM to declare it. Now everybody is at work. And has to get back home.
— thomas 🛠 IATSE STRIKE! (@t_NYC) September 29, 2023

Not to be that guy but these floods probably wouldn't be happening if we still had our wetlands and if we didn't cover every square inch of the city with concrete
— plant mami ari 🌱 (@themermacorn) September 29, 2023

Feinstein dies, suspect arrested in Tupac's murder case, New York is underwater. God is doing a classic Friday newsdump
— Jack Herrera (@jherrerx) September 29, 2023

A wise person once said that you will experience climate change through a series of increasingly wild videos, until you are the one taking the video.pic.twitter.com/aagZg9g7yd
— Dr. Lucky Tran (@luckytran) September 29, 2023

September 30

We may have a winner. pic.twitter.com/CZy5ksVgKl
— tern (@1goodtern) September 30, 2023

"You need to prepare for climate change" okay do I buy a sword or
— Dan Sheehan (@ItsDanSheehan) September 30, 2023

I'm wheezing laughing pic.twitter.com/6CcCheycd6
— Ever Bless (@bannedyoangel) October 1, 2023

I love right-wing sites that show the "Golden Era" of Sweden but somehow forget to mention that in 1955 the left-wing Social Democrats had ruled Sweden for 19 straight years…and would continue to rule for another 21 straight years. https://t.co/x3ti0EpGLh
— Christian Christensen (@ChrChristensen) September 30, 2023

There is only 1 hospital in Brampton!!! https://t.co/jFkiKsgIre
— TDot Resident (@TDotResident) October 1, 2023

Selena: We are not going back to the cafe. We've gone there every day for the past two months. Why do you keep dragging me there?

Bruce: I have to do an incredibly mean thing to my surrogate father pic.twitter.com/dEljH1ICQI
— Colin "Donnie Darko was based on me" McLaughlin (@colinthecrabb) September 30, 2023

put britney spears in an action movie NOW pic.twitter.com/6CoG7kWACp
— devin ✩ (@devjenner) October 1, 2023

people don't flip waffles, so let's start there https://t.co/xxICaqNsp5
— maybe: diane (@dianelyssa) September 30, 2023

🫠🫠🫠🫠 https://t.co/e9gzZzkd8V pic.twitter.com/OorRy8oyCP
— Evy Kwong (@EVYSTADIUM) September 30, 2023

This is so good 😭 pic.twitter.com/l7IJMDkRjF
— S⚡️ (@WestSS_101) October 1, 2023

you can just email people and they'll probably reply especially if they're in academia. it rules lol. i'm emailing gorilla researchers and getting replies like "yep, the gorillas like bananas a lot"
— TOM (@tomwalkerisgood) October 1, 2023

Not trying to be rude but if there was a scenario where the devil was real and took a modern day human form you have to assume he'd become a YouTube prankster energy drink mogul named "Mr. Beast"
— Zach Dunn (@zachbdunn) September 30, 2023

i used to play drums for a church and they knew i was agnostic and every time i would play a good set the worship leader would say "you think that wasn't the holy spirit moving you to play that way?" like no dude i'm just cracked as fuck
— gooch gobbler™ (@gnarlywolf_) October 1, 2023

October 1

Yeah I've been to a show at The Sphere pic.twitter.com/AqLCri9zDb
— Gabriella Paiella (@GMPaiella) October 1, 2023

I don't even have to check his scouting report. I bet he is 6'9 and his shot needs work. https://t.co/RlGHiFJzSj
— Raptors YYC (@RaptorsYYC) October 1, 2023

Can't believe they found out who killed Tupac before Metrolinx finished the Eglington LRT
— ash (@_ashleeyash) October 1, 2023

A lot of you locked in your idea of "a lot of money" in ~1995 so when you hear about workers asking for $100k+ in expensive cities, you get really mad and I'm here to tell you that you are old and the world will continue to find new ways to scare you until one day it is all gone
— Dan Sheehan (@ItsDanSheehan) October 1, 2023

saw someone say "if you pay fast food workers a livable wage, they'll stay in those jobs forever" ok, so? if someone loves working at waffle house why shouldn't they get paid enough to make that their career?
— ashley ray (@theashleyray) October 1, 2023

I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I'm as confused here as you are.
We're both learning what I'm about to say at the exact same time.
— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) October 1, 2023

OMIGOD who could've predicted this pic.twitter.com/AfHJoGU44S
— Laura Bassett (@LEBassett) October 1, 2023

"COVID IS OVER! STOP LIVING IN FEAR!" - the people afraid that seeing a rainbow will turn their kids gay
— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) October 1, 2023

Unfortunate injury, but this fit goes ridiculously hard https://t.co/uzGAuEnxER
— Smitty Werbenjagermanjenson (@ChiddenxNuddet) October 1, 2023

so a touchdown is kind of like a joint slay
— Jill Gutowitz (@jillboard) October 2, 2023

I'm so obsessed with the fact that Taylor just fully adopted her ex boyfriend's ex wife https://t.co/EC0Y92E0Bq
— Kelly Keegs (@kellykeegs) October 2, 2023

It is the most Kendall move of all time to try to compete with Taylor Swift https://t.co/38sbx9MUcr
— Mallory Rubin (@MalloryRubin) October 2, 2023

Hey, NBC, enough already with all the shots of the attention-seeking diva who doesn't even play football.

No more Aaron Rodgers. Show us Taylor Swift.
— Mike Finger (@mikefinger) October 2, 2023

it's not fair how funny he is https://t.co/a4pfomNEvS
— Edward Ongweso Jr (@bigblackjacobin) October 2, 2023

Matt Gaetz now says he'll seek to remove Kevin McCarthy next week.

Kevin McCarthy says he'll seek to remove Matt Gaetz next week.

I'll be over here making popcorn all week.
— Palmer Report (@PalmerReport) October 1, 2023

McCARTHY: I wasn't sure it was gonna pass. You know why? Because the Democrats tried to do everything they can not to let it pass.

BRENNAN: Democrats were the ones who voted for this! pic.twitter.com/kCLKW9WSJK
— Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) October 1, 2023

wife is mad at me because she caught me auditioning for a tv show called "Would You Leave Your Wife For $1000000"
— wint (@dril) October 1, 2023

The way I am sitting here completely speechless 😮 pic.twitter.com/AmI93tKHxJ
— chris evans (@notcapnamerica) October 2, 2023

October 2

DAHMER JOKE from my special 'SLOW & STEADY' premiering this Friday Oct 6th at 8pm on my @youtube: https://t.co/JOwuUROPp3 pic.twitter.com/pXlIM6od4H
— Joe Pera (@JosephPera) October 2, 2023

because it'll give the plane a UTI https://t.co/YlwhYpFC1g
— latke (@latkedelrey) October 3, 2023

The Voice has had 900 seasons and hasn't produced a single famous person
— B.W. Carlin (@BaileyCarlin) October 3, 2023

I flipped the Saw X poster for my Christmas card. pic.twitter.com/U4P2BmnUk8
— Mike Reiss (@MikeReissWriter) October 2, 2023

One very underrated pick-me-up is deliberately mispronouncing things. Commit to saying "arples" or "bananners" and you'll see results in days. Only ever pronouncing Moby as "mobby" has been an absolute game changer for my mental health and I'd recommend it to anyone.
— The author, Séamas O'Reilly (@shockproofbeats) October 2, 2023

This is like a dying mall in 2003 bringing in a Zellers pic.twitter.com/CWNZEf9x3m
— Bruce Arthur (@bruce_arthur) October 2, 2023

All-time idiot pileup happening here. pic.twitter.com/pTeKWPicU5
— Mark Harris (@MarkHarrisNYC) October 3, 2023

wow! here we are! https://t.co/z6t0BxjsSP pic.twitter.com/AWftJ9hEBQ
— CBC Pitchbot (Satire) (@CBCPitchbot) October 2, 2023

This is a McDonald's in Texas where the minimum wage has been $7.25 since 2009.

In Denmark, McDonald's workers have made over $22/hour for years, get 6 weeks paid vacation & a pension.

And a Big Mac costs 17 cents less in Denmark than America.

Welcome to corporate greed, boss https://t.co/pD25AOEL0g
— Warren Gunnels (@GunnelsWarren) October 3, 2023

ur not lazy u just need to rest ur small beautiful little head most hours of the day bc ur soooo tiny and small and life is so big and hard and it's ok
— chrissy chlapecka (@chrissychlapp) October 2, 2023

I don't understand how COVID is spiking once again after we've tried everything from pretending it's over to pretending it never happened
— Zack Bornstein (@ZackBornstein) October 3, 2023

cersei's son was literally foaming at the mouth while taking his last breaths and cersei still had a time to push margaery to aside when she wasn't even in cersei's way 😭 their beef is the funniest fr pic.twitter.com/ofDEoyRngj https://t.co/m3ci0ojuTO
— olivia's manager (@livcookeist) October 2, 2023

"Never Surrender" at the Trump rally in Iowa. pic.twitter.com/UjtAFiWEdS
— The Good Liars (@TheGoodLiars) October 2, 2023

"I think it's very unfair I don't have a jury" -- Trump, who doesn't have a jury because his lawyers elected not to have one pic.twitter.com/N2K5FHMOQk
— Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) October 2, 2023

Jessica: It also seems that he doesn't have a top notch legal team with him. It seems like Habba forgot to check the box saying that they wanted a jury trial… pic.twitter.com/sDEFHjlQZf
— Acyn (@Acyn) October 2, 2023

Loving the new Donald Trump Show👇 pic.twitter.com/SQkhbzaMOj
— Rob Israel (@robisraelart) October 2, 2023

When you realize that the attractive lawyer who flattered you on TV is horrified bc she passed on a jury trial...

...and the lawyer who made you pay his full fee up front can't stop smiling.#MondayMood pic.twitter.com/K5S9K6Ok7T
— John Fugelsang (@JohnFugelsang) October 2, 2023

Even notice that Alina Habba's hair has the highlights he told Cassidy Hutchinson to get? https://t.co/pE9F5RaUz2
— Schooley (@Rschooley) October 2, 2023

That boy walked in with that haven't you ppl ever heard of closing the gotdamn door no on his head https://t.co/0WaEZI5PCC
— 🎃✨America Is Musty✨🎃 (@DragonflyJonez) October 2, 2023

Bam Adebayo: "The whole lip ring is annoying."

Jimmy Butler: "Look, I gotta stay in character."

Bam: "Sh*t. You get a haircut for Media Day."

Jimmy: "This is my halloween." 😂

(via jimmybutler/IG)pic.twitter.com/CvSIyN50fx
— ClutchPoints (@ClutchPoints) October 2, 2023

https://t.co/nQNifM3Kgw pic.twitter.com/onZSFfVmMP
— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) October 2, 2023

October 3

Posting "wow super problematic" under everybody's Halloween costume and then responding "I will not do the labor of educating you" when they ask for an explanation.
— jr (@jamesearl23) October 4, 2023

"Drake creates tax nightmare for total stranger" https://t.co/tccxciFiyi
— BUM CHILLUPS AKA SPENCER HALL (@edsbs) October 3, 2023

found out that facebook messenger has ai generated stickers now and I don't think anyone involved has thought anything through pic.twitter.com/co987cRhyu
— defend trans rights🏳️‍⚧️ - podesbiens.bsky.social (@Pioldes) October 3, 2023

I dunno. I'm glad my parents drew the line at shouting. https://t.co/eXBgO5ZwUq
— Sam Morril (@sammorril) October 3, 2023

pirating is reportedly free and will remain free https://t.co/OeLGH4Agxy
— Hurt CoPain (@SaeedDiCaprio) October 3, 2023

Literally just dropped one of the most evil conference speeches in recent history then went outside and stood on a guide dog https://t.co/zjLvhY6lsU
— James Felton (@JimMFelton) October 3, 2023

This guy is fucked up. This guy would rather stand in the rain than under an umbrella. This guy is seriously messed up in the head https://t.co/jg0QUM8Xnu
— Cock Pornis (@QuantumSeppuku) October 3, 2023

no fucking way man https://t.co/ADBhLvoZ9U pic.twitter.com/lDP3PnclRx
— pudding person (@JUNlPER) October 3, 2023

That's because you finished telling those stories. One of the things that this whole techdouche/IP mania gets wrong is this notion that every successful story is endlessly elastic. They are not. Things end and that is good. https://t.co/IuXbcOm3to
— DrewMcScreamy (@DrewMcWeeny) October 3, 2023

Lmfaooo ayo man pic.twitter.com/4SPYjRQJU9
— Arby's Stan Account (@shu_b0x) October 3, 2023

Nikola Jokic on if this was the most fun he's ever had in a summer:

"Nah, I think it's actually opposite… We played 2 and 1/2 extra months." 😂

(via @9NEWSSports)pic.twitter.com/UVMcKpaEwd
— ClutchPoints (@ClutchPoints) October 3, 2023

"Would you like your receipt printed or emailed?" I would like to feel joy again
— jon drake (@DrakeGatsby) October 4, 2023

You know how Gatsby used to throw extravagant parties in the hopes Daisy might see from across the lake? https://t.co/SbqUujeLPe
— emanuel (@poppychampu) October 3, 2023

Republicans are incensed that Democrats didn't stop Republicans from attacking Republicans
— Tom Nichols (@RadioFreeTom) October 3, 2023

Hear me out: Beeker of the House pic.twitter.com/t9cfcRtEr5
— Paranormal Warren G. Harding Activity (@PopeAwesomeXIII) October 4, 2023

better check wirecutter pic.twitter.com/U2lJgz9r54
— Pat Dennis (@patdennis) October 3, 2023

AOC explains just how badly Kevin McCarthy screwed himself

1: Congress was supposed to be on recess this week. He called them back for unclear reasons.

2: If a motion to vacate the chair is launched, the Speaker has 48 hours to shore up his support before the vote. He waived… pic.twitter.com/ObmDGq1OTA
— Armand Domalewski (@ArmandDoma) October 4, 2023

republican 1: I'm going to take down the speaker!

speaker: no you're not, bitch

republicans 2-8: yes we are

dems: do you want to talk about how we could save you

speaker: no you fucking commie slut idiot

*LATER THAT DAY*

conservatives: how dare the democrats do this
— Ben Dreyfuss (@bendreyfuss) October 3, 2023

i refuse to get mad at a man still in mourning for pee wee herman. https://t.co/Ze9VtOxOxE
— ben schwartz (@benschwartz_) October 3, 2023

Republicans should be forced to carry Kevin McCarthy to term, even if it endangers the life of the party.
— Andrea Junker (@Strandjunker) October 3, 2023

Kevin McCarthy simply had to go. He disgraced the high standards set by the serial adulterer, the sloppy drunk, and the pedophile who previously held the exalted position of Republican Speaker of the House.
— Frank Conniff (@FrankConniff) October 3, 2023

Speaker Boebert?

After Kevin McCarthy's aloof style of leadership, some Republicans may be ready for the Congresswoman's hands-on approach.
— New York Times Pitchbot (@DougJBalloon) October 4, 2023

Imagine being voted out of office by someone who was just kicked out of beetle juice the musical for vaping and jacking off her date
— Jules Suzdaltsev (@jules_su) October 3, 2023

No one has ever said "loser" funnier than this. Or is it "more funnily?" Whatever. A1. https://t.co/w5bYGNojrp
— Dave Merritt (@GoldenSeals) October 3, 2023

Here's my favorite part.

McCarthy's big crime according to Gaetz: passing a bill with Democratic votes.

Gaetz ouster of McCarthy: passed with 100% Democratic support.

I'm sorry but that is fucking funny.
— David Avallone (@DAvallone) October 3, 2023

The average person in their 20s has seen:
-the first successful ouster vote of a Speaker ever
-3 of the 4 presidential impeachments
-2 of the 4 popular vote-electoral college splits
-the first-ever presidential indictments
-a coup attempt
— Steve Morris (@stevemorris__) October 3, 2023

They are quick on their feet over at the Colbert show. pic.twitter.com/4XKjB12BjX
— Helen Kennedy (@HelenKennedy) October 4, 2023

[watches Canadian conservatives talk about abolishing the CRTC and defunding the CBC and pulling out of CPP, or using the notwithstanding clause to avoid the Charter, or letting health care rot, but being big on tax cuts]

huh, weird, doesn't sound familiar at all https://t.co/1aezUD5B70
— Bruce Arthur (@bruce_arthur) October 3, 2023

Imagine working for the University of Pennsylvania's marketing department:

"Penn: We gave diplomas to Donald Trump and Elon Musk but denied tenure for a woman who won the Nobel Prize in Medicine"
— Will Bunch (@Will_Bunch) October 3, 2023

Wow, honoured to have received the Nobel Prize in writing stuff on the whiteboard that no one can read!
— Brian Fauteux (@brianfauteux) October 3, 2023

As I sit here reading news of the bed bug infestation in Paris, I couldn't help but wonder, when will there be a man in bed for me to bug? pic.twitter.com/daXfBP8jsz
— Southern Homo (@SouthernHomo) October 4, 2023

October 4

Would be funny if Talking Heads reformed and released a very bad album.
— Michael A. Balazo (@mbalazo) October 5, 2023

Irish people, a thousand years ago, carving faces in turnips to ward off the fairies at Samhain. Irish immigrants arrive to America, cant find any turnips so they carve faces in pumpkins. And now this https://t.co/XrPfLZN1bW
— The Blindboy Podcast (@Rubberbandits) October 4, 2023

(Werewolves of London voice) https://t.co/TLDEZhdcrA
— duluth's famous kaylee (@kayleefabulous) October 5, 2023

Classic talk show photoshop rule, if you're going to combine two people to make fun of them make sure the result doesn't look almost exactly like you. pic.twitter.com/oSoDhfebMy
— Chris Stephens (@ChrisStephensMD) October 4, 2023

'After a much needed hand washing break over the summer, hand hygiene is once again mandatory in most hospitals in Canada.'

LOL can you imagine? This is exactly what we're doing with masks and air hygiene though. It's ridiculous. We're being ridiculous.
— Dr. Lisa Iannattone (@lisa_iannattone) October 4, 2023

It is sort of genius though 😬 the hypocrisy laid bare in how we romanticise historical protesters & revolutions that have got us to where we are today - even the very violent ones - but hate anything that inconveniences us now https://t.co/95afDmWXFW
— Sian E Green (@sian_eleanor) October 4, 2023

i actually love Just Stop Oil. what are the Les Mis fans gonna do? complain about civil disobedience for a noble cause? ok Inspector Javert... https://t.co/33QudJMhBd
— eleanor (@eleanordotcomm) October 4, 2023

This is the only climate change conspiracy theory that I support https://t.co/H30DHuThaG
— Emily Atkin (@emorwee) October 4, 2023

I wish Taylor Swift was in love with a climate scientist
— Katja Herbers (@katjaherbers) October 5, 2023

I called my ex and he answered the phone, "No I do not know who's selling the crab legs I know that's why you're calling me Vanessa" 😭 pic.twitter.com/rKcIDRCgoV
— Vanessa Veasley (@VanessaVeasley) October 4, 2023

Bravo to the MCU for recapturing the magic I felt as a kid upon realizing the superhero stories I'd loved for years had become so convoluted that keeping up became more of a slog than a pleasure and I abandoned them altogether, freeing me to discover other delights elsewhere.
— Raphael Bob-Waksberg (@RaphaelBW) October 4, 2023

I think canceling a show after a cliffhanger should carry some light jail time.
— Vinny Thomas (@vinn_ayy) October 4, 2023

My closest encounter with the mafia is I went to a starkly empty pizza place in Rhode Island once, they seemed utterly confused that I wanted a pizza, it took 45 minutes to make, they gave it to me for free, and it was the best pizza I'd ever had.
— Jessica Ellis (@baddestmamajama) October 4, 2023

If there's one thing we've learned over the last 3 years it's that the govt can pay for stuff if it wants. https://t.co/minDjjtTXs
— public goods stan account (@0debtzone) October 4, 2023

Absolutely incredible to say about what's possibly the single joke that's aged finer than any other in the show's history https://t.co/sS6CaohuML
— Dan (@FateSailor) October 4, 2023

Yes, I imagine it would:

"McCarthy mocked Biden's age and mental acuity in public, while privately telling allies that he found the president sharp and substantive in their conversations — a contradiction that left a deep impression on the White House."https://t.co/jx6mjMNiqy
— Jon Favreau (@jonfavs) October 4, 2023

Yes, because strengthening someone who voted to overturn the election, held the entire US economy hostage, launched a baseless impeachment inquiry without a vote, and refuses to honor his word is what is in the best interest of this country.

Do some of you hear yourselves? https://t.co/EnmF2TkbTG
— Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (@AOC) October 4, 2023

BREAKING: Donald has dropped off the Forbes 400 richest people.

This is what happens when most of your wealth is fictional. pic.twitter.com/cWEdJsZYJk
— Mary L Trump (@MaryLTrump) October 4, 2023

I'm just a simple country copy editor *hikes overalls straps* *spits into cuspidor* but isn't this what we call tax evasion? https://t.co/j6r3pCXAGN
— Benjamin Dreyer (@BCDreyer) October 4, 2023

Trump Supporter: "How come everyone who goes to college is a Biden supporter?" pic.twitter.com/iOLTv9PQkX
— Adam Mockler (amock) (@adammocklerr) October 4, 2023

Where my virus at Gina https://t.co/2TX08KC8Yw
— Ben Collins (@oneunderscore__) October 4, 2023

I find this stuff enthralling because it's such a great example of how modern people are not, in fact, smarter than medieval people. https://t.co/6H8UjUPBYV
— Dr Eleanor Janega (@GoingMedieval) October 4, 2023

Trump turning down a jury trial and then having a tantrum because he didn't get it is a familiar progression to anybody raising a toddler.
— Schooley (@Rschooley) October 5, 2023

Look, we all know that if the roles were reversed and it had been Speaker Nancy Pelosi facing a rebellion within her own caucus, the House Republicans would have selflessly crossed the aisle and wait, please, stop laughing, I'm almost done
— Kevin M. Kruse (@KevinMKruse) October 4, 2023

Trump's most astute political insight is that base Republican voters don't give a shit about debt, deficit, state's rights, law enforcement, defense, or small government except as code words for 'make sure people not like me are poorer and more unhappy than me.' https://t.co/XkHHggkh3Z
— zeddy (@Zeddary) October 4, 2023

This is also gender-affirming care, btw. pic.twitter.com/5Lg1ryhYmQ
— Patrick S. Tomlinson (@stealthygeek) October 4, 2023

Jordan Peterson is such a broken and fake man. He lives near me, enjoys our neighbourhood's cute little progressive and multicultural shops and grocery stores and parks.. then goes online and pretends he hates them. Such a loser. https://t.co/puL1bO62FN
— Morgan Cameron Ross (@Morgan_C_Ross) October 4, 2023

lol the last year of twitter is essentially just an experiment in taking a website that revolves around news/information and making it as hostile as possible to the people and organizations that do news gathering https://t.co/pQXPLIavDe
— Charlie Warzel (@cwarzel) October 4, 2023

Since you can't see the headline, Elon Musk was arrested after being found in the street in a ketamine induced fugue state. https://t.co/Ex90mXSTit
— Alejandra Caraballo (@Esqueer_) October 5, 2023

lol pic.twitter.com/0GB1DsKJgQ
— BenDavid "Halloween Name" Grabinski (@bdgrabinski) October 5, 2023

lol so it doesnt show headlines anymore, nice https://t.co/9XSjhAm9R3
— Jules Suzdaltsev (@jules_su) October 5, 2023

NEW SCOOP: evidence showing elon musk is a pedophile mounting quickly https://t.co/P7AKBENriY
— pudding person (@JUNlPER) October 5, 2023

When you're writing the BBC News liveblog and someone interrupts to take your breakfast order pic.twitter.com/n2X91lvOWL
— Scott Innes (@Flying_Inside) October 4, 2023

October 5

Hey girl are you the North of England, because I want to promise you the greatest rail you've ever had and then immediately disappoint you.
— Differently Dave (@GoldenVision90) October 5, 2023

Elon Musk endorses Joe Biden for re-election https://t.co/lWk2nmAlPl
— Armand Domalewski (@ArmandDoma) October 5, 2023

Elon Musk, 52, found dead in "tragic" auto-erotic asphyxiation accident https://t.co/j9YNiH8KwX
— soul nate (@MNateShyamalan) October 5, 2023

He's a genius! A genius! https://t.co/jw4bp0Sulo
— Mehdi Hasan (@mehdirhasan) October 5, 2023

Elon Musk's purchase of Twitter is a The Producers. He has enormous tax liabilities from something else and needs to take as large of a loss as possible to offset his tax obligation, so just keeps trying to Springtime for Hitler this website. https://t.co/975vXrJnhK
— Guy Branum (@guybranum) October 5, 2023

Lara Trump sings her new original single "Won't Back Down" (which totally wasn't stollen from Tom Petty) live on air… it goes about as well as you'd expect 😳 pic.twitter.com/z40qrLoOe7
— LeGate 𝕏 (@williamlegate) October 5, 2023

Talked to this gun advocate who says you can't fight fire with water. pic.twitter.com/3fE9ESXoH9
— The Good Liars (@TheGoodLiars) October 5, 2023

Wtf??? pic.twitter.com/RlUnMQVD27
— Michael A. Balazo (@mbalazo) October 5, 2023

Trolling Moms for Liberty at a Central Bucks School Board meeting. #klannedkarenhood pic.twitter.com/gh18fVwyFi
— Walter Masterson (@waltermasterson) October 5, 2023

It's that magical time of year where you can eat 2-3 good apples a day, just go absolutely pony mode
— Dan Sheehan (@ItsDanSheehan) October 5, 2023

BREAKING: Rep. Jared Moskowitz (D-Florida) has formally asked Palm Beach County to tax Mar-a-Lago at rate Trump claims it's worth

Trump's public claims are that Mar-a-Lago is worth 100x what the assessed tax value is. Such an adjustment would increase his annual tax bill by $50m pic.twitter.com/NHwDWyKH2j
— LeGate 𝕏 (@williamlegate) October 6, 2023

X user: i personally dislike this change to the platform and am basing my opinion on what i see with my own two eyes

Elon Musk: wow, just believing the media smdh pic.twitter.com/vdcvU1arA0
— Matt Binder (@MattBinder) October 5, 2023

i actually love how you aren't allowed to have a personality in internet writing anymore and how there are 0 fun websites ... it makes being on the computer all day to acquire increasingly small sums of money such a joy
— Kelly Conaboy (@kellyconaboy) October 5, 2023

I know who not playing MLK https://t.co/tIVvhbGzq4
— niles (@NILES100) October 5, 2023

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: October 6, 2023

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