Cotton Eye Joe, dry Cheerios, legit though, touching words from DoFo, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

September 9

"Hiya Liz. Holy jumpin', I can't believe ya went and bit the big one. I've been crying my nads off since I heard you'd passed away from dying. I hope Heaven is a hoot and you can crack a couple wobbly pops up there. Go Leafs! Your eternal buddy,

Dofo" pic.twitter.com/JUF4jL6R6h
— Michael A. Balazo (@mbalazo) September 9, 2022

Somebody asked me how to download Black Twitter because they only have the regular one and I almost peed myself laughing.
— Jamarcus Turner (@MrMarcus260) September 9, 2022

Me at the theater for Little Mermaid pic.twitter.com/9bOr8Xx7Vp
— THIQUE (@ScottieBeam) September 10, 2022

babies are like oh fuck yes dry cheerios in a zip lock bag holy shit this rules
— ret (@rad_milk) September 9, 2022

they uploaded her soul to a kiosk and now she has to take burger orders for eternity https://t.co/pEWpmsYxhy
— fag daughter (@DiodeLass) September 9, 2022

when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
— aria aber (@AriaAber) September 10, 2022

if i was to make fun of a british person this is exactly what id tweet. no notes. pic.twitter.com/UMgjovbKZl
— Viceroy Kantian-Leninist (@josh_philosophy) September 9, 2022

At least once a month, I randomly remember that Dr Phil once invited the creator of the BumFights video series on his show to confront him about exploiting vulnerable people for financial gain—only for him to show up dressed up as Dr Phil & point out he does the same exact thing. pic.twitter.com/IdEfTQQFMT
— Kendall Brown (@kendallybrown) September 9, 2022

Got pulled aside at security because I had, and I quote, "an abnormal number of books".
— Morgan (@ajetsetgirl) September 10, 2022

1992: The humanities are useless. Study STEM.
2002: The humanities are useless. Study STEM.
2012: The humanities are useless. Study STEM.
2022: Why are nazis suddenly about to take over?
— Al Peṭṭerson (@eyelessgame) September 9, 2022

 
September 10

I believe this is an Oregon pic.twitter.com/PhEz70pIok
— stu (@rinbcage) September 11, 2022

Today's the day pic.twitter.com/CYSb2LmqR1
— cook county fair booster (@lefttheprairie) September 10, 2022

The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
— Sam Saulsbury (@SamuelSaulsbury) September 11, 2022

No way you guys are crying over Ariel being black and having dreads
"It's not realistic"

She's a fish?
— taurus girl (@jaxajueny) September 10, 2022

Buddy walked on the football field like Dr Strange just dropped him there pic.twitter.com/HrDHixtzmL
— Roy Wood Jr- Ex Jedi (@roywoodjr) September 11, 2022

haters will put a sheet over your cage to try to make you think it's bedtime
— fiona apple's cigarette (@fionascig) September 10, 2022

Nothing is scarier to someone above the age of 30 and having a relaxing drink than watching a DJ start setting up.
— Jared Freid (@jtrain56) September 10, 2022

ME: Dinosaur Jr is so awesome

DINOSAUR JR: We are not friends. It's like a business

ME: DON'T SAY THAT! SAY YOU ARE FRIENDS
— Chris Locke (@chrislockeworld) September 10, 2022

How it started. How it's going pic.twitter.com/TAJiFQ8YrT
— New York Times Pitchbot (@DougJBalloon) September 11, 2022

How tf Subway INSIDE Walmart out of lettuce🤨BTCH go get it
— AlexTheGreat🍊 (@Derekalexander_) September 10, 2022

At a wedding on 9/11 weekend and these are the shakers pic.twitter.com/Eb9iNQvUyE
— Anders J Lee (@andersleehere) September 10, 2022

September 11

the marketing team for 9/11 really nailed it i don't even know what day pearl harbor is
— lili michelle لیلی (@lilsmichelle) September 11, 2022

Incredible juxtaposition pic.twitter.com/L0e7s8vCpA
— Peter Sterne (@petersterne) September 12, 2022

pic.twitter.com/BI0q9EhATo
— badly-drawn bee 🐝 (@soapachu) September 11, 2022

reservations are so embarrassing like hi i'm here for my spaghetti appointment
— slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) September 12, 2022

People who don't like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
— online friend (@likesmoth) September 12, 2022

Legit though pic.twitter.com/9E4Bi04wce
— Saim khan (@Saimism_) September 11, 2022

is it because he's good at grooming https://t.co/KSwN5kFxel
— sophia (@sophsa) September 11, 2022

I'm done with Self Care it's time for Others Harm
— katie (@foxalive555) September 11, 2022

it's so funny how what bed, bath, and beyond meant by "beyond" was just like. kitchen
— soul nate (@MNateShyamalan) September 12, 2022

my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
— Mike Solana (@micsolana) September 12, 2022

Someone on this flight from Toronto, Ontario to London, Ontario (I know, not my idea) thought he had bought a ticket to go to London, England.

The stuff of urban legend, live in front of my eyes.
— thefringthing (@thefringthing) September 11, 2022

just did a very undignified public snort-laugh at this pic.twitter.com/06IJyH46zz
— Steven Perkins (@stevenperkins) September 11, 2022

September 12

absolutely not. I refuse to believe this pic.twitter.com/Ss9JidO1bd
— Adam Cerious (@Browtweaten) September 12, 2022

Wow the Germans hate her as much as the Irish apparently pic.twitter.com/gPZWoACQiZ
— Glengarry Glenn Danzig (@motleycruedetat) September 13, 2022

Twitter is giving me regular updates on the location of the Queen's coffin like I personally ordered it on Amazon
— Janel Comeau (@VeryBadLlama) September 12, 2022

UK florists since thursday pic.twitter.com/lk6oKzxFF5
— Scott (@scottwilks) September 12, 2022

Michael and John Bolton mashup pic.twitter.com/b3CAzNChmH
— Shannon (@shay3322) September 12, 2022

Leonardo da Vinci's The Last Subpoena pic.twitter.com/Nhw5K4HzMq
— Mr. Newberger (@jeremynewberger) September 12, 2022

ur period should come w a free bowl of garlic mashed potatoes or something like all this suffering and for what
— 𝕤𝕦𝕟𝕗𝕝𝕠𝕨𝕖𝕣 (@spinubzilla) September 13, 2022

Bill Hader is the only celebrity wearing a mask in a room full of high powered peer pressure.

Let this example help you next time you feel like the weirdo. Weird is good. pic.twitter.com/c1vGmdBYtY
— Dogs4Object Permanence🐶 (@BernieDogs4) September 13, 2022

told my therapist that i've lost a few friends since i started setting firm personal boundaries and she said,"it's amazing how many people no longer find you useful when you're harder to control" !!!!!!!!!!
— avery (@bigsiha) September 12, 2022

Imagine you and ur wife dedicate your bodies to science and this is how they do y'all pic.twitter.com/GxkrsKCJr1
— Based Brando (@legit_scumbag) September 12, 2022

If you can't hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident pic.twitter.com/5vKda2kmZw
— jonathan slater☮️ (@jonslater37) September 12, 2022

you got a 3 person beef limit before I start to think you the problem.
— PINK 🛼 (@astrog1rll) September 12, 2022

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
— Blue Berrymore (@BerrymoreBlue) September 13, 2022

 
September 13

pic.twitter.com/8SWSHjG7jc
— Shoegaze Dad 🇵🇭 (@yeoldedad) September 13, 2022

I have watched this TikTok so many times tonight. pic.twitter.com/kTeJnyjvzM
— Jason Gore (@mrjasongore) September 13, 2022

TikTok is honestly the funniest app man. By far pic.twitter.com/dFLGTb8j5W
— Polo (@MrPolo_) September 13, 2022

Hilarious😂 pic.twitter.com/kyueC6kDXc
— Tansu YEĞEN (@TansuYegen) September 13, 2022

Only in NYC 🤣 (via beautifulsoulsinnyc/IG) pic.twitter.com/Go6Ft4mWiz
— Overtime (@overtime) September 13, 2022

you're saying there are tiers for fears? pic.twitter.com/qz7OSaRXUk
— cullen 'swamp trash' crawford (@HelloCullen) September 13, 2022

If you hold a pigeon up to your ear you can hear what it sounds like to be attacked by a pigeon.
— Ꮍᴀᴇʟ (@elle91) September 14, 2022

Project Grizzly
1996 / Canada / Peter Lynch

Canadian inventor Troy Hurtubise tests his armored grizzly bear protection suit pic.twitter.com/OUTx4CfOy1
— psychotronica (@psychotronica_) September 14, 2022

"The worst script is the one never written" he said to himself as he wrote the second worst script.
— David Wales (@DavidWalesNM) September 13, 2022

British people are so good at colonization that people speak in a British accent in fantasy worlds that don't exist.
— Mateen Stewart (@MateenStewart) September 13, 2022

"Too many white people like it" is absolutely an important metric you need to consider when looking for ethnic food on yelp. https://t.co/3JYHZCddGt
— Francis Manancis of Rinky Dink Records (@_NurseRatchet) September 13, 2022

I enjoy that the Internet bullied Leonardo DiCaprio enough that he compromised and dated a 27 year old https://t.co/DVgU1oS3UJ
— Registered Voter (@SortaBad) September 13, 2022

I'm sorry please don't unfollow me pic.twitter.com/2uuQhn6Nb6
— Frances *Deadly SoverAuntie* Danger (@FrancesMFDanger) September 14, 2022

 
September 14

The Kelly Rowland/Excel mystery has finally been resolved pic.twitter.com/YYM4rE4mvf
— beardy boy (@joshua_j123) September 14, 2022

a lot of yall... pic.twitter.com/L5D9OKUIEc
— audrea (@audsrea) September 14, 2022

my brother called me out of the blue which he only does when there's an emergency. and then pic.twitter.com/bx3QmIAy9G
— rachel bell (@rachelbelllll) September 14, 2022

Not sure who to talk to about this but I would love to speak briefly at Charles' coronation.
— Mark Little (@markmarklittle) September 14, 2022

i think everyday people should have to post breakup statements on their instagram like celebrities do
— Rachel (@femaleredhead) September 14, 2022

i am not a religious man but i said a quick prayer for my guy pic.twitter.com/ZlDFpG9iSG
— SᴡᴇᴇᴘTʜᴇLᴇɢ (@CobraKeiser) September 14, 2022

is no one concerned that babies have an appetite for airplanes
— slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) September 15, 2022

My son when I tell him to smile vs when I yell out "poop!" pic.twitter.com/ui6TuPOaC5
— Adam Perry (@misterperry) September 14, 2022

The spelling of aisle is unnecessary.
— Unnecessary spellings (@u_spellings) September 14, 2022

beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
— Kevin Burke (@Ke7inBurke) September 15, 2022

when I press the scary button to reset the outlet and it works pic.twitter.com/D6QuZevgay
— 🐝 (@sleepynbitchy) September 14, 2022

Hearing someone describing BBC News coverage as Mourn Hub has made my day.
— chrisbates (@christhemarxist) September 14, 2022

 
September 15

England rn pic.twitter.com/siYYsmKbL1
— Cameron Williams (@MrCamW) September 15, 2022

i have not stopped laughing omg 😭 pic.twitter.com/WXryp6pl1y
— that girl. (@heirjordynn) September 15, 2022

My interactions with a QAnon-believing candidate for Congress. pic.twitter.com/GQZH7hHmbh
— Jason Selvig (@jasonselvig) September 15, 2022

I need the person who made this to come forward pic.twitter.com/pneKN4XHV0
— Dylan Park-Pettiford (@dyllyp) September 15, 2022

I've been having ankle pain and my doctor said I should switch from running to swimming.
I said I dont have a pool where do I swim.
then she pointed over her shoulder towards west LA and it's the first time a doctor prescribed me THE OCEAN
— Matt O'Brien (@matt_obrien) September 15, 2022

Did she literally just tweet out the video of her kicking me? https://t.co/b6blmrskRF
— Marianna Pecora (@MariannaPecora) September 15, 2022

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: September 16, 2022

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