New wave bands, baby owls can't stand, Leonardo DiCaprio jokes land, a cat shakes hands, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

August 26

The guy who invented soup pic.twitter.com/Gqtoe09vaJ
— high-quality tim2o (@HydrationChimp) August 27, 2022

I can't get over this cow giving directions 😂 pic.twitter.com/ZMMNoS1wTD
— Pubity (@PubityIG) August 26, 2022

If wrestling is "fake" then explain this pic.twitter.com/Jen2e0q3wY
— Abdelilah Skhir (@abskhir) August 27, 2022

I just learned how owls run and it might be my favorite thing right now. pic.twitter.com/fFRwe7TeeF
— Today Years Old (@todayyearsoldig) August 26, 2022

If I coulda do that I would never stop https://t.co/CSolNUr8cN
— Kaido's Ex Bae🇱🇨 JoyBoy's Gyal (@bohdoos) August 26, 2022

I just know Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis talk about this situation all the time pic.twitter.com/fwXBkIZQJM
— Aol.com (@lukasbattle) August 26, 2022

if I were a baby who had been bathed fed sung to read to and lovingly shielded from the suffering and cruelty of this world all day at great personal cost to my caretakers I would simply go to fucking sleep
— Hannah 🧃 (@hannahmsays) August 26, 2022

still think drugs are "cool" and "fun" ??? pic.twitter.com/TZesTkgELx
— Tweets of Cats (@TweetsOfCats) August 26, 2022

August 27

There is more to life than cookies, but cookies are still big part of it.
— Cookie Monster (@MeCookieMonster) August 27, 2022

a clearly divorced dad is flirting with me at the water park I'm at and I'm going along with it because he bought his son a funnel cake and I would also like a funnel cake
— cinnamon bun (@notsofiacoppola) August 27, 2022

rabioli https://t.co/6K30Ez8BFC
— ashley court of chicanery (@rabcyr_alt) August 27, 2022

a chill interaction pic.twitter.com/oSvYSlVCUE
— Tweets of Cats (@TweetsOfCats) August 27, 2022

This is my favourite tweet pic.twitter.com/NfDWJ83Cnz
— Haus of Decline (@hausofdecline) August 27, 2022

It is killing me that there is a Thai restaurant called this in Belfast pic.twitter.com/jbKIYQOA1y
— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) August 27, 2022

The Weird Al biopic being a Roku Original has such 30 Rock energy. This is definitely a film Jack Donaghy would have greenlit. "We've got Harry Potter playing Weird Al, Lemon"
— hannah strong (@thethirdhan) August 27, 2022

lifelong friendship is so funny. I once saw you drink four loko out of an ugg boot and now you have a son named Arnold
— Ruth Madievsky (@ruthmadievsky) August 27, 2022

Phenomenal map work from Al Jazeera pic.twitter.com/d5x1InYuGh
— Mia (@smackmiaround) August 28, 2022

Brilliant. pic.twitter.com/Sov0YK7F9H
— Harvey Freedenberg (@HarvF) August 28, 2022

August 28  

"hello, dr. oz campaign? i'd like THREE yard signs."

"wow ☺️ authentic grassroots support at last!" pic.twitter.com/DEgUy9xFrt
— Clare Cons (@macrotargeting) August 28, 2022

You've been speaking English your entire life

but did you know that the words you speak are all created from 26 individual letters?

Here are the 26 letters that you MUST know:
— Jack Raines (@Jack_Raines) August 28, 2022

bro wtf u said u were a "bad boy" so explain why i saw sensodyne in ur bathroom
— Isabel Steckel (@IsabelSteckel) August 29, 2022

If you're having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
— Sonya 💜 (@SimplyySonyaa) August 29, 2022

me: im so hungry
horse: *nervously* how hungry
— cabby (@cabby) August 28, 2022

pumpkin spice lattes are BACK pic.twitter.com/07S4FIZ4l6
— bolty (@AmbJohnBoIton) August 28, 2022

Dude in a banana costume on 5am flight from Denver to St. Louis. 🤷‍♀️🍌 pic.twitter.com/OOqcbOBMNX
— Rebecca Zimmerman MSW (@Zim303Rebecca) August 28, 2022

people in nyc are so gross on the subway. 0 masks in sight and only one person in the entire photo is covering mouth and nose pic.twitter.com/nuPh7VbjY1
— Jeremy Kaplowitz (@jeremysmiles) August 28, 2022

doctor: have you been tested for adhd before?
me thinking about what my entrance song would be if I was a wrestler: you have a nice office
— brent (@murrman5) August 28, 2022

taylor swift album and harry styles movie out on october 21… huge day for annoying people
— jodie (@jodieegrace) August 29, 2022

I, like most working musicians I know, have struggled with depression. Still I've somehow managed through it all to have never send one dick pic to a fan
— corythanson (@corythanson) August 28, 2022

social media has really convinced y'all that 60 likes isn't a lot but if 60 people were to come up to you and compliment you, you'd probably be overwhelmed
— unathi, ithuna? (@realunathi_03) August 28, 2022

pic.twitter.com/UbKnzG4iwS
— mir.i.am (@jewbyboobie) August 29, 2022

bro are these celebrities "aging like fine wine" or do they have access to some of the most scientifically rigorous health and beauty products and practices in the world
— พี่ช้าช้า (@farmereva_) August 29, 2022

August 29

life finds a way pic.twitter.com/FLuf1uPQAG
— jarod (@jarodzsz) August 30, 2022

boss: you have to take a drug test

me: *knows all the drugs* no problem
— Adam Cerious (@Browtweaten) August 29, 2022

God gives her lowest salaries to her sexiest spenders 😔
— clifford carmichael (@former_gcup) August 29, 2022

https://t.co/zioOAZchZ1 pic.twitter.com/4nwsmbpPKh
— Andrew Evans (@FakeAndrewEvans) August 29, 2022

Well, well, well. Look who's come crawling back. If it isn't my one year old son I accidentally left at the park
— h b (@h3xenbrenner2) August 29, 2022

The absolute best stand-up comedy set on "Reverse Racism". pic.twitter.com/JlstFEvn56
— Walter Masterson (@waltermasterson) August 29, 2022

At the Toulouse airport, just watched a woman try to order oat milk in English for her coffee. Barista kept hearing "hot milk." Emotions escalated to the point where I had to intervene and explain what oat milk was, and this French man was absolutely pissed to learn it exists
— Laura Bassett (@LEBassett) August 29, 2022

every couple months a tech company will re-invent something we already have like a bus or a sailboat but more evil. congrats to these dopes for somehow doing that for the concept of Gorillaz https://t.co/n8t9QZgqR5
— mattie (@Lubchansky) August 29, 2022

some dude will comment "mid" on a beautiful woman's post and then you go to their profile and they look like a sim that was customized with harmful intent
— em 🍓 (@uhhmmily) August 30, 2022

One time a tinder match asked me if i wanted to go on a "dawn sunrise run" and she was so hot that i said yes. then i slept through the 5 AM alarm and she texted me huffpost thinkpieces on time management
— kristofer thomas (@kristoferthomas) August 30, 2022

how do people watch this pic.twitter.com/ozTgJTL9vj
— will (@fuckmarrywill) August 29, 2022

i be like "long story short" then still tell the entire story
— Porter ✰ (@ItsRetrop) August 29, 2022

Y'all don't realize we literally stopped everything to help them because we were concerned. pic.twitter.com/uOCxydeTWy
— Azie Dungey (@AzieDee) August 30, 2022

 
August 30

Well, it happened. I accidentally pressed my joke Amazon dash button that orders a Kia Sorento. pic.twitter.com/jZxw6xWAvd
— michael (@MULCH_EATER) August 31, 2022

STAND UP: How's everybody doing tonight!?

AUDIENCE: Lecture us! Ha ha ha! We came here to have fun but please lecture us and teach us about what is right and what is wrong! Ha ha ha!
— Chris Locke (@chrislockeworld) August 30, 2022

recently learned that my dad has been paying AOL a $20 monthly fee for no reason since the 90s and I'm trying to not have a panic attack about it
— ✨V✨ (@coolauntV) August 30, 2022

but that's my emotional support LOL at the end of every sentence
— youngmi mayer (@ymmayer) August 30, 2022

I love when someone asks "can I be mean for a second" because the answer is always yes, and if it's not.... check my pulse
— belle (@kachowgirl) August 30, 2022

pic.twitter.com/Jt2wjytUzG
— BECK (@bathroomass) August 31, 2022

A story in 3 parts pic.twitter.com/9iJAcgC9oK
— Nick Maggiulli (@dollarsanddata) August 30, 2022

Welp, that's the new best tagline of all time. pic.twitter.com/dwMGST8A6y
— Will Goss (@williambgoss) August 30, 2022

DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they're yellow?

ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.

DON: And the boy?

ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
— toyotathon the other hand (@thomcrowley) August 30, 2022

The four types of 80s new wave bands: pic.twitter.com/3Y5ES7wZo0
— Ian Curtis Is Hungry (@hungryiancurtis) August 30, 2022

 
August 31

Fuck sake 😂 https://t.co/53wGzX0wSr
— Sir Rod Stewart (@rodstewart) August 31, 2022

Damn, she's good pic.twitter.com/4kKqoSxnyu
— Astroboy💫 (@Astroblast65) September 1, 2022

Listen… funny is funny, and the amount of upset in these girls faces has me rolling. pic.twitter.com/oan53miR6G
— I'm named after El Debarge (@hydrothemc) August 31, 2022

I just discovered that baby owls sleep on their stomachs cause their heads are too heavy and I can't stop laughing pic.twitter.com/lgLvwiM0xN
— Today Years Old (@todayyearsoldig) August 31, 2022

In case you still refuse to feel old - Bruce Springsteen now looks like Woody Allen. pic.twitter.com/zDt6lHv9Dj
— Mike Rosenkrantz (@MikeRos59) August 31, 2022

anytime you feel the urge to look at ur phone while driving, pick up a book instead.
— paddle (@ipaddlearound) August 31, 2022

no bra sundress season has been fun but i'm ready to move into no bra sweater season, the queen of all no bra seasons
— ellie schnitt (@holy_schnitt) September 1, 2022

Hear me out. A parent trap remake where one twin grew up in the USA and one grew up in the UK. pic.twitter.com/sJ7O0J8pvt
— Pete Stegemeyer (@itspeterj) August 31, 2022

Idk what's more embarrassing, your employer finding your social media and seeing posts like "my client was serving cunt, your honor" or your friends finding your linkedin and seeing you self describe as a "data driven professional"
— alexa (@mariokartdwi) September 1, 2022

Today is the 25th anniversary of the greatest apology in the history of journalism. pic.twitter.com/oR7OFInYqM
— John Angus Spencer-Barnes 🇺🇦🏳️‍🌈 (@JohnBarnesUK) August 31, 2022

titanic turns 25 this year at which point i assume leonardo dicaprio will no longer want to be in it
— Tom Neenan (@TNeenan) August 31, 2022

If Leonardo DiCaprio keeps dating women in their early 20s, they'll now be so young that they fully missed his teen heartthrob era. They'll be texting their friends like: "So I've been going out with the dirty guy from The Revenant. Weird, right?"
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) August 31, 2022

anyone know where I could read about 75k separate but identical tweets about leonardo dicaprio
— pierre menard (@PierreMenard) August 31, 2022

 
September 1

Everyone is making the same jokes about Leo. It's getting old. Dump the jokes. Find some new ones. Better ones. Younger ones.
— JULIA HLADKOWICZ (@juliacomedy) September 1, 2022

bartender: this scotch is my favorite, it's aged twenty fi----

leonardo dicaprio: [spits it out]
— kai™ (@kaicomedy) September 1, 2022

Not wearing glasses anymore. I've seen enough
— pain (@vibinpain) August 31, 2022

It happened! A reviewer suggested that I familiarise myself with the work of Pownall et al (2019, 2020) to understand the field better 🤪
— Dr Madeleine Pownall (@maddi_pow) September 1, 2022

oh wow pic.twitter.com/sxtlAWCEvg
— Greg (@waltisfrozen) September 1, 2022

obsessed with "you know the incels?" "No." pic.twitter.com/Z5LpJaq3U7
— Julie Greiner (@JulieAbridged) September 1, 2022

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: September 2, 2022

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