TV writer and producer Jordan Firstman is gearing up to release his comedy album Secrets on April 12, and the Exclaim! staff has already unironically chosen "I Wanna See My Friends Dicks" as our song of the summer. Now, Firstman has revealed the album's full tracklist after commissioning someone to tattoo the whole thing on their ass.
Earlier in the week, Firstman posted to his Instagram story that he would pay someone to get the list tattooed, and someone who goes by the handle @twink_rehab took him up on the offer. The very real tattoo features the album title as a tramp stamp, then has the first half of the tracklist on the left buttcheck, and the other half on the right.
The tattoo is also rife with typos, including the songs "I'm quitting my job tomorri" and "I cry when i masterbate." It also has two track sixes, bringing the song count down from 16 to 15.
The best part of this tat is the crazy features on the album, which include Rufus Wainwright, Julia Fox, Rachel Sennott, Suki Waterhouse, Jimmy Pop from Bloodhound Gang, LAUNDRY DAY and Firstman's mother. Check out the whole tracklist — as we try to figure out if the typos are the actual song names — and the tattoo below.
Secrets
1. Six minute interlude
2. I wanna see my friends dicks
3. Pennies in my pussy
4. I'm quitting my job tomorrow
5. My sisters tryin' to fuck and she needs to chill
6. Purposely relapsing fer attention (feat. Suki Waterhouse)
6. Poop is pee and pee is poop (feat. Rachel Sennott)
7. Mother's prayer (feat. Jordan's mother)
8. I'm hoarding cum
9. I cry when I masterbate
10. I'm ran through (feat. LAUNDRY DAY)
11. I held my mom's breast every moring before school til I was 12 (feat. Julia Fox)
12. Passed out drunk making mac and cheese and woke up to a fireman in my apartment (feat. Rufus Wainwright)
13. I prefer the ugly ones (feat. Jimmy Pop from Bloodhound Gang)
14. I can only cum with a loaded gun in my hand (live from the Biarritz Jazz Festival, 1970)
15. I'm a lesbian